Why didnt I open my eyes.

[JSD]

This is going to be long and I apologize in advance.

 

My wife, mother of my children and girl for 10 years told me she wanted a separation and was not in love with me anymore several months back. First and foremost I know what I did wrong and looking back now can’t believe I was so blind,ignorant,lazy and flatout un- attentive to her needs and feelings. What’s even more shocking is I had no idea this was coming ,and loved and still do love her the whole time I was treating her this way. We met over ten years back at. I knew right away I had to get this girl alone with me (I was in my early 20’s at the time and a bit promiscuous) She’s beautiful! Dark hair (weakness of mine) with a smile that still makes me ogle to this day ,and the sweetest little voice to go with her kindheart, she really is kinder than people should be. I was young and unexperienced with how to really show my emotions as I’ve never been a sensitive guy until recently that is, nor have I really had good looks ( She truly is out of my league), but I did at one time have ample amount of confidence towards woman and how I carried myself. Anyways I teased and kind of was a jerk to her (High School mentality I know) but she started hanging out with me then coming over, eventually she started sleeping in my bed with me, but there was no sexual touching just cuddling and talking for the longest time. I tried hard to get with her to, but it was obvious she was special and not a one night stand. Finally I confronted her on what she wanted and where our thing was and she gave me the Option. Ditch the other girls and be with her. It was a no brainer for me, so started our journey. It didn’t take long for me to realize I loved her and to tell her so. We moved in together and in my memories the first few years were without a hitch. We went everywhere together except the one important place… her parents. See I think in all honesty and I’ve had time to think about it, I always and still do believe I am not good enough for her and I have always been shy around new people. Now I’m not making excuses, I should have just sucked it up and gone places with her, I’m just giving reason as to why I believe I did it. I have no other explanation because I truly was and still am head over heels for this girl. I plan on seeing a doctor when I get home from work to try and deal with my anxiety. We use to go everywhere together besides that, but unfortunately I messed that up too.

 

I am in the oil and gas industry and never home and when I am I’m emotionally detached. She remains my everything and put in the time to show it, however I didnt follow suit She is always happy to see me when I get home she cooks, cleans and listens to me bitch about my job, but in return all I did is sit around on the couch play video games, drank and began putting weight on. I always turned down her offers to go out with her and I mean anywhere ,dates, her parents,friends,walks. Looking back on this again,had I realized I was destroying her heart, I would of done the most unpleasurable things for me because she enjoyed them. I mean that’s what she did for me. She put up with me working all over the world sometimes not being able to make contact with her for days. She put up with me partying for two days with my friends excluding her the rare times I did go out, again I have always been socially shy exept for a close few friends. She pretended to enjoy things I know she didn’t care for, for me. I just simply did not return the favour. Why? I honestly don’t know I guess I just fell into a routine thinking this was normal. I’ve been destroying my true loves heart for years and didn’t even clue in.

 

So here we are a couple years later and she has given birth to my daughter. Things are shaky as they should be with the way I have behaved.I love my family and would kill for them without hesitation, but in my mind work and fancy things were all we needed for them to be happy. I dedicated all my time to it, thinking making all this money and providing for my family was all that mattered, but was still neglecting the biggest provision in not spending quality time with them or showing them the affection and attention they needed.That’s right it’s with my deepest regret I have to acknowledge and admit I was a ****ty father too. Again I thought I was doing everything right. I was working one of the hardest most underappreciated jobs, in some of the worst conditions possible to be able to provide for my family. What I didn’t realize is money doesn’t buy love. I had put on even more weight and became even lazier on my days off. This I believe is when the pivotal point of our relationship happened

 

She became very agitated always nagging at me for everything and I didn’t understand it at the time. How could I not see this coming…….. I don’t know. She was clearly unhappy and I know now that I did this to her and she had every right to be mad, but I just again figured it’s the stress of my job and the new baby it will pass. I mean I’m a good husband,I love and take care of my family……….I was so stupid. She finally stated I’m not happy and I want you to go to a counselor with me. Let me tell you if I could turn back time, I would of crawled miles in broken glass to be there.That is of course not what I did, Instead I went on the defense (We don’t need that we can work it out ourselves……..wrong again). I have never told her this but during this shaky time I felt she underappreciated me and everything I did for the family. In fact I myself thought about splitting for a long while because I was so ignorant that I didn’t see I caused this problem by just simply no tshowing her the love I actually did feel for her. Ultimately I stayed because I love her and my daughter and believed it’s just a phase she will calm down. Here’s where I truly believe her heart started to harden, because it did pass we got back to laughing and loving and all the normal things two people inlove do…….at least I believed it was good and I carried on with my same neglectingways.

 

Now here we are almost ten years later and to me everything is fine and normal, but to her she’s died inside long ago and is just going along. We have two beautiful children whom are my world as is she, but I carry on the same routine none the less. I myself have gotten very unhealthy I’ve gained an access of about 75 pounds I drink too much and I lay around just drained by life. I don’t like to talk feelings and that has been one of the biggest problems in my marriage. I hate how I look and feel, I’m convinced I’m always dying, when in actual fact my life style has just put my health in the dumps….I’m rock bottom and have even considered suicide a couple times. Due to this my sexdrive is gone, which she takes as I am cheating on her but that’s not the case at all. I should of gone to a doctor or told her how I felt but im stubborn and dont do emotion well, Nor do I want her thinking im crazy or weak. I am super moody and stressed out and lash out at her sometimes. Accusing her of not wanting to work or spending too much money. When the truth is I always spent more than her and make enough for her to stay home with the kids, which really is one of the hardest jobs in the world and she’s a perfect mother, who needs to be with the kids as I’m gone more than half the year and not really involved when I’m home. I’ve now solidified the fact to her that she’s a single mother with a 31 year old douchebag roommate. I’ll never forgive myself for this even if she does

 

Another thing we fought about throughout our relationship is I wanted to move back home to where I was born. In my eyes it was less expensive;we could turn a profit on our house and maybe sink some money into rentals. I could possibly get out of the field and be home more. Now looking back I realize this would be so unfair to her to be more less a single mother with no friends, living away from her family with a man who she wasn’t sure she could trust or take care of her anymore. You see I always felt that my job was the whole problem when clearly it was very little issue to her. Now this is one of the few defenses I have for myself. I take full responsibility and regret for what I did to her heart, and I could have changed it had I not been so blind, butt this job took away a lot , My motivation, health and youth along the way. A good friend and coworker told me the other day when I finally broke down and had to talk to someone about this. He said…… You know you put so much into your career and work so hard a at it , yet you couldn’t do the same with your marriage what were you thinking. This comes from a guy whose wife and he are good friends with us. He continued to lecture me because he knows that my family is my world, and I have had extensive conversations over the years with him how much I love my wife and kids. The sad thing is I’m baffled to this day how I didn’tsee this and how I let it get to this.

 

So here we are several months ago and were in an argument about moving again when she finally says I want a separation……………BOOM my eyes are wide open. All the signs,the complaints over a decade and I clue in now…..why? why not until now. I immediately leave the job I’m on which was almost career suicide to sort this out. I can’t get her to answer texts calls nothing. I finally get her to talk to me but I can see she’s not the same inside. We had already had a vacation planned prior to this so I convince her to go and we will talk. Now I see the whole picture and I’m promising her everything I should have been doing in the firstplace, and I mean every word of it. You have no idea how badly I want to walk the dog with her, go to her parents, visit her friends, and just in general be active with my wife and kids right now. I ask her to go to counselling and she agrees but is stern in she feels it may not help. She talks to me about her issues whic hat this point I could see clearly looking back at what I had done. She tells me on vacation, because I asked her ,that she does still love me and is attracted to me but is scared everything is not going to be okay and that she feels dead inside……..One of the worst feelings I’ve ever had is when she told me this. How could I do this to the one I love so much? I never meant for this to happen to her, I feel I have destroyed one of the happiest caring souls there could be. So I spend the whole vacation spending quality family time which I should have always been doing anyways and plan on it going forward. It goes well and we even ended up sleeping together near the end of vacation which she seemed to enjoy.

 

We get home and I continue to be about family and her, but it’s clear that she’s still very hurt. She is pushing me away when I try to show affection, she does not want to sleep with me or touch me and is rather cold at times, but still my sweet girl at others times? We couldn’t get into the therapist before I left for work because of time but we plan on going when Iget home in a couple weeks. I almost feel she has already made up her mind and a therapist won’t be able to help us though this. I mean yes I did this and I understand everything she is going through, but a lot of her worst problems,I’m working on but it seems its annoying her more. She has also surrounded herself with a friend, her best friend for support. Which I get, but this said friend hates my guts. She actually tried to have me beat up and told my wife she saw me leave the bar with another woman once. This is not true I have always been faithful. This happened long before we even had marital problems. In fact I have never even done anything I can recall to provoke this lady. She also had her uncle call me and threaten to and I quote” Make me dig by own grave before he buried me”. It has always bugged me that my wife remained to be friends with her after this. If one of my friends did that to her I would probably still be in jail. I let it go and play nice as they are best friends from childhood,but she takes her advice over our issues and that hurts me a great deal. I mean she more less admitted her friend is all for the divorce. In fact when I got to the Middle East the first few days were normal we talked at night and what not, and it was civil. Day three I call and she’s very cold. I tell her I miss her….. no reply. She even said…. don’t you have to go to bed? The next day ……what do you want anything important? Then I find out her friend is over. This is the second time she has done this when her friend is there. She also won’t return or answer my calls when she’s out with her friend. Now I’m not putting blame on her friend she didn’t dot his to us, I did but I just wish she would confide in someone who’s going to step back and look at the whole picture without being biased. Also she wouldn’tanswer my calls when this first happened and she was out for her birthday. Her friend got two 20 year olds, her 30 year old friend for some reason knew, to drive them back to my house as they were drunk and had no ride. Now I know nothing happened as a couple other of her friends were there, including her brothers girlfriend who is a very nice girl.long story short 1000 dollars of ours went missing. These two guys are known criminals. This was during the phase of her not calling me, and me crying myself to sleep for a week. Well when she finally called crying and told me this I was very hurt. Not because of the money but because there were two strangers in my house while I was gone and she wouldn’t even pick up the phone for me. I forgave her as I do know it was innocent but none the less I was hurt. It was also a good sign that she obviously still cared some what for my feelings. Now a few weeks later and I am not proud of it, I snooped on her texts and fb messages. In my defense she does this to me all the time. I was truly hurt to see a message from her friend asking if she told me about the money. Her reply was…. yeah but he is mostly just happy I am talking to him. I had to go pretend to take a shower so she wouldn’t see me cry. I haven’t told her about it for fear of the fight it may cause, but she does know I looked at her messages.

 

So here we are present day

 

I have had a lot of time to think at work and I know now, just how bad I messed up and understand and sympathize with her feelings. I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself for putting her through this, but mostly I now realize how she felt for all these years, as I feel she does not love me anymore too. I am only concerned about her healing at this stage now. I would never of done this pain to her had I known I was causing it. If that means I have to leave so she can repair herself and be happy,then that ultimately is what I want, even if it hurts me like hell. She has agreed to go to counselling still when I get home but has since told me she’s not attracted to me but still loves me and sometimes has feelings for me. though she doesn’t think she can get happy feelings back and is dead inside. I did ask her if she wanted me to move out when I get home. It took her a couple minutes but she said no. That she still does love me and is willing to try but feels she may just never be happy. I just hope counselling can help us but ultimately I just want her to feel happy again. I love her and always will. I know I hurt the very person I care for the most in the world and just want her to be happy again even if that means sacrificing my feelings. I am a very good fixer but I don’t know how to fix a broken heart. I have never fell out of love with her or anyone, as she truly is my first and only real love

 

What I can take from this is lessons……..and man have I learned. I have become a much better person and husband because of this but most importantly a better father. My wife may never love me again and that’s devastating,yet understandable, but my kids still do and it’s given me a second chance at being a involved father

 

I’m sorry for the short novel, but here at work I have no one to talk to and have been scouring the net looking for reads on being a better husband and person. I then came across this site. Please feel free to share your thoughts andcomments from whatever side of the spectrum you are on

Edited September 24, 2014 by JSD

[jw09]

Can't really advise but definitely recognise the situation and I too am stunned at how I didn't expect it

[JSD]

Sorry to hear is it getting better?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, JSD.

You have gained some amazing insights! I know that they may have come too late...but don't give up hope right yet. Your wife is still willing to go to counseling and that is a VERY GOOD THING. if you're not sure about that, please rest assured. On top of the fact that she does not want you to move out yet, these ought be enough to encourage you to keep 'fighting the good fight', so to speak, at least until your wife tells you otherwise.

 

Instead of just waiting to get to therapy, you may wish to browse the 'emotional needs' and 'love busters' at marriage builders. For my own (former) marriage, I came across those things too late...but was still really helpful for me to understand and put words to some of my feelings and confusion.

In your case, hopefully it will help you be able to have conversations with your wife that will help her see that you really do get it...and are actually willing to learn how to become a more emotionally-engaged partner and active participant in your marriage.

 

I don't know if I need to suggest that you also start seeing and treating her as you did when you were still dating/courting...or if you've already figured out that such could not hurt, in your case.

 

Also. Start a blog, please. There are SO MANY of you perfectly nice husbands who end up ruining your marriages on account of exactly what you did. Your blog would hope to educate them BEFORE they become all complacent and emotionally lazy, selfish, neglectful, absent, and taking for granted their wife.

It's so heartbreaking.

 

I do wish you and your wife the best outcomes through your counseling efforts.

[angel.eyes]

I feel for you! One of the challenges you face right now though, is too little too late.

 

I think you're wrong to see her friend as unfairly biased. She's witnessed your wife suffer through a decade plus of neglect and mistreatment. Her attitude towards you is simply a "rawer," more honest version of how your wife probably feels. Your eleventh hour Hail Mary when you realized you were losing everything and you went into crisis mode doesn't impress her friend. What's to say you won't be back to your old habits the minute you feel complacent again...a year or two from now? That's your second challenge. Why should your wife trust you when you say things will be different the second time around?

 

Your wife has probably wrestled with the idea of separating for a very long time. My guess is she's further along in her resolve than you realize. A nice vacation and a month of being attentive won't magically erase 10 years of dissatisfaction and unhappiness. But you do have to start somewhere, and you have. Consistent effort will be important.

 

Other positives on your side, you acknowledge your role in where you've landed and seem very sincere at the moment about wanting to change. You are communicating, and it sounds as if your interactions remain amicable. You've also both agreed to counseling. I think a neutral third party will be very helpful as you sort things through.

 

Best of luck! You're in a tough spot. I hope it all works out.

[JSD]

Thx guys. Angel eyes I know her friend is trying to protect her,but if you read my post again her friend did these heinous things before there was trouble in our retaliationship. I understand her protecting her protecting my wife,but she was telling my wife to leave me before this relationship got off its feet. Most people that know her all say she's not a good person. All I want is a friend she confide in who's mind hasn't been made up from day one. A fair chance per say. It's not helping our problems when I'm gone for a month at a time and her friend is reassuring her she's doing the right thing not talking to her. This girl brought drug dealers in my house. I was robbed and they now know where I live and that there could be money laying around my house again. The house my children live in. I'm well aware I caused problems and am willing to work on everything, but I will not bend my opinion on this "lady"

[darocksin2]

Hey there bro! I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you're going through in your marriage. But, reading through your message, it's clear that you do LOVE your wife and your kids to the CORE!! So, I encourage you not to give up so easily, and to work earnestly on strengthening your family relationships. My prayers are with you, bro! :-)

[JSD]

Thanks for the kind words. I haven't given up and rolled over. I'm gonna fight for my life. I just fear she has stopped. I talked to her last night and basically wrote this again and show exit to her. She told me she felt even worse after reading it that we didn't get this out on the table long ago. She says she's depressed and back and forth on what she wants to do. She said it may just be easier living with it than separating. I assured her that's not what I want, but if she truly loves me and she said she does, she needs to give me time and it's not a overnight thing. I just want her to be happy and told her if she feels it's best I leave I will do so. I sure hope her pain starts to go away and we get stronger from this.

[angel.eyes]

Thanks for clarifying, JSD. I know this is really tough for you. I do agree that her friend isn't helping your cause. Still, focus your efforts on rebuilding your relationship with your wife, not on this friend of hers. It sounds as if your wife gets that you've had an epiphany and sincerely want to change. That's a major positive!

 

I really do hope things work out!

[JSD]

Thanks

 

Angel eyes

 

I'm going out on a limb here and guessing you're a female (couldn't find out via your profile) and I may be wrong but guessing you've had a marital problem as well. Being a woman maybe you could give me some insight on her status through what I have explained. I mean I am well aware that I have a lot of ground to make up and very willing to do so,but the vibes she's giving off such as I'm just not sure I'm up and down about it, I want to work on it but feel it's just gonna be harder in the end and other things I have mentioned she said. Is it to far gone and she is already decided and just being nice or is their room to reconcile when I show her how committed I am to being a good husband?

[angel.eyes]

Yes, I am a woman. No I'm not married, but I'm in a LTR with a guy who is incredibly thoughtful and considerate. I've just witnessed your story numerous times.

 

From your questions, I think you're missing the point. The issue isn't whether you'll change. Of course you will. You're scared to have your life change, and you'll do anything at this point to get her to stay and keep the status quo. The issue is whether your improved behavior will be sustained. Five years from now will she be dealing with the same overly-entitled, ill-tempered, dismissive hypochondriac who ignores her, mistreats her, and doesn't value her contributions to the marriage? (I'm not trying to bash you or make you feel bad, but frankly that's one of the core challenges here.) Unfortunately, people rarely change even when they commit to do so. And even when they do, they often revert back to their baseline. You do have a long, consistent track record to overcome. Can you really behave differently on a permanent basis?

 

You aren't going to get any guarantees that your efforts will be successful. I don't think your wife would mislead you. She's probably still a little unsure. You're simply going to have to change your behavior and hope for the best. Either way, you need to learn to be a better, more thoughtful, respectful partner. Shoot for permanent change.

 

You're going to feel very discouraged at times as you go through this. Expect ups and downs in your journey. This site is very supportive. People here will be your cheerleaders to get you through this.

 

Again, best of luck!

Edited September 25, 2014 by angel.eyes

[JSD]

I was just trying to get a woman's insight. They are much different creatures than men. I don't take offence and I appreciate your reply but in all fairness you don't know me either. When I say something I mean it, when I commit to something I don't do it half assed. I'm gonna keep your reply as a reminder thank you very much.

[angel.eyes]

I was just trying to get a woman's insight. They are much different creatures than men. I don't take offence and I appreciate your reply but in all fairness you don't know me either. When I say something I mean it, when I commit to something I don't do it half assed. I'm gonna keep your reply as a reminder thank you very much.

You do sound a little offended, but I understand how hard this is for you. I didn't say you do anything "half assed." No doubt you'll be the perfect husband while you try to win her back. That's the textbook response as the last drops swirl down the drain. What I did point out was the challenge you face. You have a long track record of certain behaviors. Ingrained habits and patterns of behavior are hard to break long-term...especially once you become complacent again. Why should she trust that she won't be facing the same mess five/ten years from now? What are you going to do differently to prevent this from happening again?

 

Look, you made vows to her when you got married. I'm guessing in there were promises about how you would treat her? I'm sure you meant every word of those, right? Yet look at how you ultimately began to treat her. Was that reflective of those words once you became complacent? Some people behave poorly when they're complacent. Others don't. It's just not in their nature.

 

Get a little upset with me. That's okay. The elephant will still be in the room. I recognize this is a very difficult time for you. But you're going to have to address some tough questions if you actually want things to work out.

 

Again, all the best. I'm rooting for you!

[angel.eyes]

By the way, I get the impression both you and your wife are really good people. Unfortunately, you got caught in a rut and are now trying to remedy a difficult situation.

[JSD]

I'm truly not upset. I asked you as I thought maybe you had been there and had a woman's perspective.

I realize that this can not be a expiring effort,nor do I want it to be. If this is even fixable I do imagine it's gonna take a lot of time to repair the years of damage and even more time to perfect it. Unfortunately I was already in my selfish neglecting ways when we married as we were already together 6 years, it's not like I didn't love her then either, I was just already in a terrible routine. Had this happened before then , we would already possibly had this conversation. I know all to well what I did wrong just didn't realize it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I realize that this can not be a expiring effort,nor do I want it to be. If this is even fixable I do imagine it's gonna take a lot of time to repair the years of damage and even more time to perfect it. Unfortunately I was already in my selfish neglecting ways when we married as we were already together 6 years, it's not like I didn't love her then either, I was just already in a terrible routine. Had this happened before then , we would already possibly had this conversation. I know all to well what I did wrong just didn't realize it.

You've got to realize you're trying to undo 15+ years of damage, not going to happen overnight. Look at it this way - had your wife cheated on you for the last 10 years, how long would it take you to trust her ?

 

Best example you can set is to work on yourself and your issues. Are you losing weight? She may need to see a new man to recommit...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JSD]

I have been dieting and working out yes. I 100% agree with you I it's gonna be a long hard road but if it makes her feel happy again I'm more than happy to walk it.

[2sunny]

I have been dieting and working out yes. I 100% agree with you I it's gonna be a long hard road but if it makes her feel happy again I'm more than happy to walk it.

 

Did you quit drinking too?

[Yasuandio]

Did you quit drinking too?

 

Of course, it id not an easy road. But if you cut off the booz, you will aautomatically start lossing weight. Alcohol is FULL of empty calories. When I stopped the wine, I dropped 40 pounds of excess weight, just like that - without any effort. I thought there might be something phisically wrong with me it was so weird.

 

Listen to Sunny, that will give you a head start right off the bat in your EVOLUTION! Plus, you may have an alcoholic issue that may need to be addressed. It is easy to turn to substance in difficult and depressing times - so do not sabotage yourself. Yas

[JSD]

Going forward yes I plan on putting the bottle down and also talking to the therapist about it. I haven't had a drink in weeks but I am in Saudi a alcohol free country. Also I never do mix work and booze and the real issue is the drinking at home which I am committed to stop.

[JSD]

She asked for space tonight and doesn't believe we have a future. I think she may back out of the counsler too. Not really sure what do. I think she's just shut down and can't love me anymore.

[darocksin2]

Hey JSD, I just dropped in to know how things are going on between you. :-)

 

Rb

[cozycottagelg]

I am in the same position as your wife.

 

Gently, because I know you're hurting. It is a huge slap in the face that a husband doesn't make any sort of effort until a woman has all but given up.

 

Please google walkaway wife syndrome.

[JSD]

Im sorry to hear, do you feel there is any reconcilation if he shows action to fix this?

[JSD]

I backed off and she called about 4 days later she called and let me talk to the kids a few times. Then she started calling me by herself. In fact she talked to me one morning and I couldnt get off the phone with her even when I tried.