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Completely separated but can’t decide if it is for good or not?


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I had married my highschool sweetheart at a very young age. We were both 21. After 7 years of marriage we had our first child. Before this our relationship was good, we did not have serious problems or anything. After having our first child, problems started to surface.

 

My wife was a stay at home mother, looking after our daughter. Originally we had planned that once our daughter was 6 months old, she would go back to work as we couldn’t really afford for her to stay off work indefinitely. 6 months came and went, and there were plenty of excuses or reasons from my wife not to go back to work. Despite my differing views, I accepted this and did not put too much pressure on her. I thought maybe motherhood was her calling in life. But as our daughter grew older, my wife began to get lazy, generally would sit our daughter in front of the TV all day, not raise her properly, and just laze around the house. Never would cook meals or do housework or any of these things one would expect from a mother/wife that chose not to work. While I was working long hours and things were quite unfair. I raised this as a serious issue in our relationship many many times but nothing ever changed…we fought about this continually. Things would improve for a week or two then slip back into the same old.

 

I accepted this and basically started working longer hours, climbing the career ladder myself, as I realised my income was going to need to be substantial for us all to survive on it long-term. This then backfired on me because I was ‘never around the house or there for my daughter’ according to her, despite me being extremely hands-on-dad when I was at home. I must admit due to our strained home relationship, I felt like I had a purpose at work and felt good about myself doing this. We fought about this, a LOT.

 

Fast forward another year, we ended up having a second baby. This time after the birth of our second daughter, our relationship got even worse. My wife had depression, but would not acknowledge or do anything about it. This went on for 9 months. I continually encouraged her, nagged her even, to see doctors and counsellors, basically dragging her along to these appointments, to try and help her. She was on medication but refused to take it regularly. This gave her moodswings and made her behave irrationally when she would not take it. Suicidal even. She admitted that she knew she had depression to me, but never would help herself or work to fix it. Aside from this going on, I also know during this time she was chatting to other guys on Facebook and locking up her phone and so forth...I’m not going to paint myself as a victim as I too, was flirting with girls in the office and would rather be there than at home fighting with my wife so I guess we were both probably as bad as each other there.

 

Our relationship in the end was strained for about the last 1-2 years. I had worked really hard trying to address issues and fix them for a long period of time with her, when she wasn’t interested in fixing things or working properly to resolve them, getting us to see a counsellor or trying to work on improving our situation. We had multiple serious issues which we basically just had to 'agree to disagree’, as neither of us could agree with the others point of view or different opinion. In the end, after living in a household full of stress, fighting and conflict I made the decision and packed my bags and left our two beautiful young daughters behind and moved out of home.

 

I moved out about 4 months ago now. My wife has made several attempts since then to try and get us to reconcile now, contacting me saying she has changed and knows now how bad she wants to work on our marriage and fix things. Every time she has said this I tell her that anyone can say things like that, but what I will truly notice is if she actually took action to deal with these things…see a professional to get her own mental state back on track, try to beat her depression, focussed on improving herself. She basically does nothing along those lines to show me she has changed, instead just ‘talks’ instead of ‘doing’. I told her I would go to see a counsellor with her but she would have to organise the whole thing, and nothing happened.

 

Since I left I have watched her life go downhill. I sort of shake my head at this that she is letting this happen. Should I judge her for being completely disorganised in her life after me moving out in comparison to me setting myself up and continuing my life without her? Like not dropping everything to work on winning me back and instead going out dating other guys and continuing to be lazy and frivolous with money and so forth? Or should I be cutting her some concessions and not judging her behavior as going through a time like this might lead to irrational actions?

 

How can I know if she really does love me and is going to fight for us? How do I know she isn’t just afraid of being single and a single mother or fending for herself out in the big real world. How do I know if I still have any love for her? I feel like something is wrong with me for taking this whole separation so well. Sure, I have bad moments where I get upset, but generally speaking I have basically just gone on with my own life and not thought a huge deal about what I have ‘lost’. I don't know if I am suppressing my emotions or if I just have none. Surely after so many years I do still have love for her somewhere, or is it completely gone?

 

Do I come to the conclusion that I married too young, that we grew to be two completely different people with differing views/goals in life? That a marriage can’t work if both people aren’t willing to put the work in to fix it, and if one person won’t fight to fix their mental issues?

 

I already got through the big decision of moving out of home, leaving my daughters behind, I still see them every week and get to be an active father in their lives, I set my life up alone with new cars, accommodation and bank accounts. But I seem to doubt myself about my decision when she tells me she wants me back and I feel guilty for not fighting for us to remain together now.

 

Please help me decide with this decision once and for all whether to consider a reconciliation…or a wait and see approach…or cut my losses and start the healing/recovery process myself..

 

The last thing I want is to get back together and go through all this again in a year or two's time.

 

Hope to hear from someone out there that can give me some advice. :) Peace.

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But I seem to doubt myself about my decision when she tells me she wants me back and I feel guilty for not fighting for us to remain together now.

 

Please help me decide with this decision once and for all whether to consider a reconciliation…or a wait and see approach…or cut my losses and start the healing/recovery process myself..

Have the two of you been to MC together? With young children involved, I'd want to try every option to fix things before giving up. Counseling may at least help you jointly identify the problems, helpful whether or not you stay together.

 

Having said that, there are truly somethings broken in relationships that one person alone can't fix. Absent her active and honest participation, you'd be wasting time...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Have the two of you been to MC together? With young children involved, I'd want to try every option to fix things before giving up. Counseling may at least help you jointly identify the problems, helpful whether or not you stay together.

 

Having said that, there are truly somethings broken in relationships that one person alone can't fix. Absent her active and honest participation, you'd be wasting time...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for replying. No, we haven't done MC. I told her I was willing to go and do MC, but I wanted her to be the one to organise booking an appointment, finding a good one and lining it up, so that would demonstrate to me she was serious and genuine about making an effort to do that. But that was a month ago and she hasn't organised anything..

 

If she is dating other guys then she has moved on. Why would you reconcile with someone who has moved on?

 

 

I too was dating someone after we 'separated'. But I have since ended that. I queried my ex wife about why she was going to see other people if she wanted to get back together and she basically said it was because she was lonely and that's not what she really wants.

 

 

I know all this doesn't sound promising at all for any potential successful reconciliation. I guess I'm just torn between whether I should be the one to keep moving on in my life, without her, and knowing that I'll have to rest with my decision in the future if I ever look back on things as it's me who decided not to pursue a reconciliation. I think this is essentially what she is doing herself...basically trying to point it to me so in the future she can blame me for "leaving her" in her own mind to ease any blame or responsibility she should have for her own actions.

 

I guess after so many years though it is such a big decision, and my head keeps telling me I shouldn't be going back to her when I look at all the signs, because any effort by her in fixing things seems like it is not 110% effort, but I can't help but wonder if I owe it to my kids and myself, whether this is the future I really want for myself (being alone / not having someone to go on holidays with / missing out on being a proper "family" and so on)...

 

I know I have a fine chance in the future of meeting a new partner, but will it be better than my current (ex) wife, given there will be added complications of my kids and so forth.

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I guess after so many years though it is such a big decision, and my head keeps telling me I shouldn't be going back to her when I look at all the signs, because any effort by her in fixing things seems like it is not 110% effort, but I can't help but wonder if I owe it to my kids and myself, whether this is the future I really want for myself (being alone / not having someone to go on holidays with / missing out on being a proper "family" and so on)...

You have a holiday companion and the trappings of a proper family now. I'd assume your posting here means, at least in your eyes, it's not enough.

 

But that was a month ago and she hasn't organised anything..

 

The you have your answer as to what she's willing to do. Have you told her that, unless this is addressed, you're leaving?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Well because I've already moved out months ago...I guess I have already officially 'left'. But yes I have told her clearly several times that if there was any hope for us to work on our problems I expect her to address a few certain things, and also I expect her to book us in to a good MC. She was the one pushing to reconcile and bringing up saying she wanted to work on things, but I just don't understand why she won't do those few things when it seems to easy to me to at least do what I asked of her?

 

I guess that just highlights that her heart and mind really aren't in the place of genuinely wanting to get back together or work on things right...?

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