need ideas for settling with SAHH

[negirl]

Ive asked my husband for a divorce. I'm 30 he's 35. Married 10 years. We have two kids, one is in first grade at school all day, the youngest will start half day kindergarten next fall. He's been at home with them after getting out of the military (7 years now). We lived with his family for a few years and are finally in our own place but its paycheck to paycheck and sometimes credit cards have to cover some costs. We live in a high cost area and I dont make a "breadwinner's" salary.

 

I've asked him to work part time or work on finishing his degree with GI Bill. He's refused saying it would take away from what he does for the kids and would get to it when they were both in school. I still do alot of the cooking and cleaning and as soon as I get home from work it's my 'shift' while he does whatever... I love the time in the evening with the kids but feel like I'm on my own. Our marriage was a youthful impulse, some mild emotional abuse at the beginning, so not that strong to begin with and this has broken us. Counseling wasnt successful. Thats the background. So now the thing is, since I've asked for divorce he's gotten into night school and says if I dont agree to live together until he finishes and has a job (2-3 years) he'll move in with his family again and ask for alimony.

 

His ideal is to live together, he gets his degree and a job with a salary that lets him take the house (I really dont care about that) and I'll live nearby and we do 50/50 with the kids ( for child support we figured a monthly budget for kids and will contribute to a joint account based on income % which right now is 100% from me). My ideal is he gets a job now and he gets whatever place he can afford nearby and we do 50/50. If I have to give him alimony and I cant afford the house on my own we'll sell and split the profits but at least keep the kids in the area they're now familiar with. His family is almost an hour away.

 

If he moves there, I'll move too so we can do 50/50. But it's uprooting the kids. And he'd want to move back to this area again after he gets a job and leaves his family's place! I feel so trapped. I have serious doubts about him finishing school and getting the work he wants. The longer we stay married the longer he's dependent on me and becomes more and more eligible for lifetime alimony. Can we get a divorce and still live together? (It makes the most financial sense but is emotionally expensive. Would a judge approve that? I cant afford a lawyer. We are civil in front of the kids but they've seen a couple arguments.

 

Should I just suck it up longer until both kids are in school all day (one less cost)? How can I force him to get a job? We both really want to stay in the area, its a great community, great school, etc. but the only way for that to happen is for him to get a job now which he cant/wont do or in however many years..... I just want time limit, some sense of shaping the future, moving on with our lives. I'm open to ideas and support...

Edited September 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want time limit, some sense of shaping the future, moving on with our lives. I'm open to ideas and support...

 

Many lawyers have a free initial consultation, that's where you want to start. We can give you thoughts, ideas and feedback but an attorney can give you facts specific to your state's jurisdiction. Stop wondering and start making informed decisions.

 

I'd think that a judge would look somewhat askance at your husband's reluctance (7 years :confused:???) to provide for his family. Make an appointment today, you'll rest better knowing your options...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

How's it going Negirl? Mr. Lucky is right. You can do free consultations with more than one lawyer, even. They like to do that in order to see whether you are a good fit, whether you even have a case that a lawyer can represent you in, et c. so it helps them to to let people come in a first time for free.

 

At the very least, don't go off what your husband says. He seems to lack credibility-- and that is an understatement.

 

Leaving as soon as you get home, having you pull a second shift-- in my eyes that constitutes a failure to support your career. Now, alimony can be based on different things in different jurisdictions. (My state has 3 types of alimony.) But one of those things is often the idea that the SAH gave up a career to support the other spouse's career-- not just to watch the kids. Courts do not by and large place a judgment on a parent's choice to stay home versus have the kids in day care. So if he was merely watching your kids while you were away, then (as I see it anyway) he was simply fulfilling his RESPONSIBILITY as their PARENT to either care for them, or contribute financially so that they may go to day care. He was not doing a favor that you must compensate him for. It is admirable to stay home with your children, but that doesn't mean it is some vile chore that someone forced on him, because no one forced him to have kids or to stay home with them. Now actually sticking around to do some of the other chores and things as well, so that the other parent can advance in the career rather than be saddled with them, those are actions that can look more like supporting the other spouse's career by not working. I am not saying that watching the kids while you are at work counts for nothing for him, but I doubt it automatically gets him alimony and you will want to check that.

 

I actually hope that he goes to see a lawyer, because that may help you just as much when he realizes just what he can and cannot ask for.

 

That does not mean that you should cut him off and take him for all he is worth. You will want to do what you feel is best for your family, within your abilities given the law and your logistics. I am just giving you some things to run by the lawyer.

 

Again, his perspective is way skewed and he is not that likely to continue making the same threats that he is now.

 

Keep us informed if you will.

Edited September 25, 2014 by jakrbbt

[negirl]

Hi again,

 

I didnt login but saw the replies on the site. Thank you for the responses and advice which I took. I met with an attorney and after a brief phone consult have an appt with another next week. The first attorney basically tried talking me out of 50/50, saying my husband had a shot at full custody and alimony if he wanted it, I had the impression he wanted me to pay him for a fight; though it was informative from a legal standpoint. The facts are whether I liked it or not, I didnt change the reality that my husband was home with the kids which shows concurrence. They can only go by what the reality has been and will want to keep things as similar as possible for the kids. I guess I should have put my kids in daycare without my husbands consent and suffered even more financially. Maybe I should do that now. The other lawyer said he could get limited spousal support for a rehabilitative term of a few years to get job training but took a more outside the box mediators approach so I'm hoping he can come up with some ideas. I thought we could come up with an agreement ourselves. It doesnt look that way, but I would prefer not to use lawyers. My husband doesnt even know what to ask for, he hasnt been able to contribute any ideas or compromises or even demands other than letting him live here through school or he moves. He's agreed to meet with a mediator. It still all points to either having to move, then possibly move again, or stay living together for a while, divorced or not. I feel guilty for wanting to move on with our lives. He'll blame me for not waiting out a tense living situation (tense for me, who wants to live with their ex??? he seems fine with it.) and I'll blame him for not getting a job to stay in the area. He'd rather move in with his mom than get a job that is 'beneath him'. In this economy, what if it takes him 15 years to find the right job. I know its an exaggeration but the point is 3 years from now, I dont want to be in the exact same situation. Meanwhile, he and I may understand our relationship but to the kids though we're not affectionate we're still together by all outward appearances. Its never easy but I think the longer we wait the harder it will be for them to adjust and the more firmly we reinforce setting what the image of marriage is. The choices and actions are falling to me and its hard finding the courage to change things so drastically for them. Divorce is an exhausting process.

[Enema]

If I was in your position I would not allow living together until he completes study and gets a job. Not your problem and there's no guarantees it would even happen.

 

As every day drags on and you're still in the same situation your resentment would grow. You would probably both be a poor role models to the kids while living together as a separated couple.

 

It'll be difficult and costly but for your and your kids long term sanity, you end it all now.

[2sunny]

If file and get the ball(time) rolling along. Ask for everything you want in your papers you file.

 

You can wait to "finalize it" when you think the time is right.

 

But at least you're moving toward it getting finished if/when you file.

[jakrbbt]

I just don't understand how giving your husband full custody would keep the children's situation "as similar as possible" to what it is now. How is it that your husband will continue to be a SAHD after you divorce? The lawyer is thinking that you'll just pay him a full salary he can live off of while he does no work except to watch the kids? Not realistic. That is why my jurisdiction-- even while recognizing that stability is good for children-- leans heavily toward 50/50.

 

You are very smart to get a second opinion. Plenty of lawyers do try to talk their clients into paying for an unnecessary fight-- either by telling them they can "win" when they cannot, or telling them the opposite. I mean, maybe that attorney was right and your jurisdiction just makes no sense. But find out from other attorneys as well. And ask them WHY. What is the statute/law the judge must use? What does it say? Is there no law and it is up to the judge's discretion? Are there guidelines the judge must use? Not just what is likely to happen but what legal rule makes it happen.

 

Good luck. My guess is it won't be as horrible as you think.

[Striver]

With the kids ages 5-12, starting school full time, 50-50 is best if both parents are competent and live in close proximity. Role modeling is key for the kids at that age and they need a good, substansive relationship with both parents.

 

The roles will change, but there is going to be plenty of change for the kids anyway. Your kids are young enough and they will adapt well if the new system is consistent.

[Btrade]

Im in the NE. When i came close to filing the lawyer consult... Basically in many places judges are not overly sympathetic to staying at home once kids are school aged.

 

Basically everything will be about supprting the kids. The judge will say, "i see x with two jobs working 65 hours. I see y with 0 hours then impute income onto the stay at home spouse.

 

 

Iirc. Ca is the only state perma alimony at 10 years.