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I'm afraid it's too late


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Hello.

I'm currently separated from my wife. We have a wonderful relationship, but we had fallen on difficult times. It put me in a depression, and I tended to bring her down with me. She asked me to go to therapy with her, and I did, grudgingly. I stopped after 3 times due to my fear of it and what it meant. We have been arguing for some time and she had enough. I never saw this coming and it devastated me. I was just in denial about our problems. One morning she said it was over and I went for a walk; when I came back, she had gone to a friends house. She sent me a email and told me to leave and the only place I could go was my parents, 1400 miles away. Like I said, I was devastated and immediately started working towards healing myself and our marriage. I've met with a therapist to work out my own issues and admitted things to myself I have never admitted. I've read many books and online discussions on relationships. I truly love my wife, I just have been failing her by being unsupportive, controlling, and by the "little hurts" that happen when a marriage is stressed.

 

She says she wants a divorce, that she needs to do this for herself and can't live her life making me happy. There has been no cheating, violence, or shouting arguments. In fact, we just turned away from one another. If one reached out the other would lash out. She has admitted she still loves and cares for me in unguarded moments, but she has kept up a wall of unemotional detachment. I have written several letters to her explaining how much I want this to work, the work I've done, and how I am ready to give it everything I've got. I have committed myself to being a better husband and improving myself.

 

Truthfully, I am actually glad that she asked me to leave, it allowed me the ability to see what has happened to myself and our relationship. Things that I have been in denial about for a long time. It has changed me forever, in a positive way, but I just don't want our relationship to end over this. I see it as an opportunity to make our marriage better.

 

It has been a month and a half now, and I am going back to our place to pack up to move out. It will be the first time we will be face to face (she has agreed to pick me up at the train) and I hope to ask her to go to just one session with me, one that I actually want to be at. I don't want to ambush her and scare her away, but I am afraid that if I ask her before I get there she will have someone else pick me up to avoid it. It seems she has been running away from dealing with this and just wants me to go away.

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I know no contact is often repeated as the way to go, but I'm the one that screwed up by being a jerk and no contact would just show her that I really don't care. But I do! I just needed to get me head on straight.

 

I often made comments, semi-joking, that settling down was the end of fun for us. Now I know that she took those comments pretty seriously and thinks that the two of us don't share the same dreams. But we still do, but I don't know if she will believe me. But it's something that I'm going to have to try. I feel that my marriage is teetering on the edge of a cliff. I hope she'll reach out just one more time so we can catch one another. I'm hoping for just one more session of marriage counseling with the therapist we saw together. She's tried many times to help us but I always resisted or thought we didn't need it. I've been pretty foolish, stubborn, and thick-headed. Typical guy stuff, trying to be stoic and tough. Turns out that doesn't work in real life too much.

 

We both worked at jobs we loved. She applied for a job that was what she had always worked for in her career. She got it and we moved to a tiny little town a long ways away. We were very excited and made plans to buy a home, start a family, picket fence, etc. Well, the job was not quite as advertised, our living situation was a unbelievable nightmare, the charming town we were sold on is quite a bit more iffy than we thought, and I was unable to find work in my field as well. We realized that the dreams we had coming here may not pan out and there was some resentment about it. I got moody and depressed and was just a general pain in the butt. Very negative. I couldn't find the motivation to do anything about it either. I can see what was happening now, but in the midst of it, forget it. When you're in the bottom of the well you can't see much blue sky. I've worked on that with a therapist here and have turned that around; I'm feeling pretty good these days, pretty positive about myself.

 

Anyway, the hard times I would say were us just getting irritated with one another and turned our backs on the others feelings. Even of one of us reached out, the other one would lash out. It was so sad. But so hard to stop. I had a problem supporting her and did some things that she interpreted as controlling. I can see how she thought that, but it wasn't my intention. But I didn't work to change her mind either. I've also been more irritable and angry, and that affected her deeply, she's a very gentle person.

 

Basically, the past year was tough on us, but I caused the hard times between us due to being depressed and not handling it very well. Not handling it at all actually. I was wrong, I needed help, she tried to help me but I didn't want it.

 

I just feel that not telling her of all the self improvement work I've been doing just show her that I really don't care.

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evanescentworld

Telling her will do nothing to convince her.

You need to show her, through your actions, that you have made changes, you have made them to benefit you - and you alone - and that you can keep it up and make it permanent.

If she has declared she wants a divorce, not even a seismic earthquake and a confirmed end-of-the-world prediction will change that.

But if you can demonstrate to her that you can change your attiotude, behaviour and direction, it will doubtless go in your favour.

 

I said earlier, the change has to be for you and you alone.

That's true.

If she never returns, the change you make must benefit YOU and continue to do so, no matter what may happen.

If you become an all-round 'better person' it will be of long-term advantage to you, whatever you do, wherever you may be, with whomever you'll get together.

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Thank you for being so kind. You are right, I've been doing a lot of thinking and realize this must be for me.

 

My wife never would have made this decision lightly; it must have been incredibly difficult with a great deal of thought behind it. I think the best thing I can do Thursday is to just let her go. I think I am going to head over there, tell her I understand why this happened, and then just say goodbye. All the work I've been doing I need to think of as work that I've done for myself as it's too late now for our marriage. Through my words and actions I've convinced her that we are incompatible. I hid my true feelings for a long time. Right now she isn't looking to be convinced of my changes, it probably just rings false anyway.

 

Reconciliation just isn't in the picture right now for her. I need to work to better myself and unfortunately it took my wife leaving me to make me see that. It's heartbreaking, but she did the right thing.

 

I am heading to our home on Thursday to pack up my things. She has offered to pick me up at the train station to take me home to pack. It will be our first face to face since she told me to leave. I'm hoping to apologize and then say our goodbyes.

 

 

Thank you to your reply and to all of the people who have written before on this forum. Reading your experiences has been an unbelievable pillar of support and advice.

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It will be the first time we will be face to face (she has agreed to pick me up at the train) and I hope to ask her to go to just one session with me, one that I actually want to be at. I don't want to ambush her and scare her away, but I am afraid that if I ask her before I get there she will have someone else pick me up to avoid it.

I'd ask her in person when she picks you up, don't think you have anything to lose. And while I can't guess at your chances, certainly hope for the best. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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What about therapy / counseling were you afraid of & what did you think it meant?

 

Staying in therapy with her was a concrete step she wanted to save your marriage. You rejected it, her & your marriage. How do you think she felt when you refused to fight for her & your marriage?

 

Talking is cheap. If you have any hope of fixing this, get back into therapy alone AND with her now. If you are not willing to do that, she had no incentive to do anything other than move forward with the divorce.

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What about therapy / counseling were you afraid of & what did you think it meant?

 

I was terrified of it. I thought of it as a sign I was a failure, I feared opening up to a complete stranger. I am a very private person and to be suddenly thrust into that was paralyzing. I just wasn't prepared for that experience. I felt attacked; our counselor was somewhat confrontational and I felt backed into a corner. I couldn't put together a sentence from all of the pressure and felt that I would be perceived as stupid or a liar, which just builds upon itself.

 

Staying in therapy with her was a concrete step she wanted to save your marriage. You rejected it, her & your marriage. How do you think she felt when you refused to fight for her & your marriage?

 

She felt like I didn't care, I know that. It's been painful even thinking about it. I had been working up to it by practicing opening up to a friend, but I wasn't fast enough.

 

Talking is cheap. If you have any hope of fixing this, get back into therapy alone AND with her now. If you are not willing to do that, she had no incentive to do anything other than move forward with the divorce.

 

I'm putting my money where my mouth is! As soon as this happened I got my butt into therapy to get used to opening up and have been going ever since. I'm much, MUCH more comfortable with it now, in fact, I have been enjoying it quite a bit; I've been learning so much about myself and our relationship. Counseling, reading, studying, and discussion; those have been my passion for the past 6 weeks.

 

10 characters

Edited by signalmtn
quote wrong place, that's all
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I'd ask her in person when she picks you up, don't think you have anything to lose. And while I can't guess at your chances, certainly hope for the best. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you, I am going to ask her. You're right, I have nothing to lose. If I don't ask her I will regret it forever. Heartbreak heals, regret is forever.

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The answers yo u have provided in post #7 regarding therapy/MC are very enlightening, even from a reseach point of view. I've not seen a man explain his point of view towards the MC encounter so articulately.

 

I wonder how this couldd be conveyed to yoour wife and/or the therapist? This is a cristical issue important for your wife to comprehend, especially now that you recognize it and are past the issue. How would it possible for her to learn these things, LS Members? Is it possible to understand, finially, the "inner workings" of this man, (now that the steal doors to his heart are open), and perhaps cause a paradigm shift in his wife's deliberations?

 

Mr. Lucky commented you have nothing to lose. But I would not see her -- instead, consider, with the assistance of the forum, this approach through the back door. No one is perfect hon.

 

If I were to deliver this message, I would decline seeing her face to face at the train station, because that, I believe is (a) a curious and selfish idea on her part that can lead you on and ultimately hurt you; and (b) you're obvious motive is desparation to see her in a needy way which is natural, but extremely unattractive and a huge turn-off. Plus, we want to give her time to miss you and think about you.

 

So, in picking up you stuff, I would request, respectfully, that you do this in privacy. I would employ 180 until we figure ou method to deliver information of critical nature to her. And then drop it. I do believe it is FAIR that her and the therapist understand how you perceived the therapy. It is possible this therapist was not right for you.

 

Possibly a formal letter to the both of them that states how you felt (show that you copied it to both parties). No apologies - simply explain exactly how you were feeling during the sessions like you did above.

 

this letter is ONLY about your side of sessions that were about you and methods that caused you discomfort or really "how you felt."

 

End letter on a positive note, exoressing the positive things you learned in therapy, without getting gooshy. Strategies of opening up, communication, blah, blah ---- but give a GENERIC example for each one in parentheses.

 

Now that I think about it - write the letter to the therapist and copy it to you wife.

 

at the end, you might say you regret that the sessions did not work out, but you do appreciate the theripist's efforts. Or, whatever the case is, maybe your wife no longer wishes to attend, or your wife has determined that the sessions are no longer needed, or you have been asked to move from the premises and will be living xxxx miles away, only facts. Hope these ideas are helpful. Dont do anything without some consensus from the forum. I keep eye on you. Yas

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It sounds like you had a bad counselor. Can you find one you like better & offer to see that person with your wife?

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Your wife is going to be (justifiably) afraid that you are simply making a desperate attempt now to avoid a divorce and if she takes you back you will simply fall back into your same routine.

 

Do not beg or plead or act clingy to her when you suggest marital counseling. Tell her matter of factly that you value her and the marriage and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to change and better yourself. All you are asking from her is a short delay. What harm will a marriage counseling session do? Tell her if she doesn't see any improvement then the divorce option will still be there for her. If she does see some change, then maybe take baby steps back towards the marriage direction and see where that goes. Tell her there's no need for her to make any commitment to you right now.

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Your wife is going to be (justifiably) afraid that you are simply making a desperate attempt now to avoid a divorce and if she takes you back you will simply fall back into your same routine.

 

Do not beg or plead or act clingy to her when you suggest marital counseling. Tell her matter of factly that you value her and the marriage and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to change and better yourself. All you are asking from her is a short delay. What harm will a marriage counseling session do? Tell her if she doesn't see any improvement then the divorce option will still be there for her. If she does see some change, then maybe take baby steps back towards the marriage direction and see where that goes. Tell her there's no need for her to make any commitment to you right now.

 

 

This is pretty much spot on what my attitude towards this meeting will be. I'm going to start with the facts of my journey, ie. what I've been discovering about myself and how I have been working to change my interpersonal relations. Then I'm hoping to articulate my failures at our previous counseling sessions and state how I have been deeply involved in overcoming that. Then, I wish to apologize, sincerely, to her for the pain she has experienced because of my words and actions. Because I understand why she left me, I just couldn't admit what was happening to our relationship. I'm hoping to suggest a final session, just to have a moderated discussion about what I have just said. But at no time am I going to ask to come back or beg her for forgiveness, I don't want to push her to an immediate decision. These are deep topics and need some thought from both parties.

 

I know many people on here are proponents of the 180, however I feel it's not always so black and white. IF it comes down to us not giving this another chance, then I will probably go down that road, but hope isn't always a bad thing.

 

Thank you to all of the above posters, I appreciate all of the comments. It's very helpful and heartwarming.

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Accept it, your marriage is dead. Your wife didn't suddenly make this drastic decision!

 

Your wife is not in the same "quick change" mode as you are - she has been thinking about this a long, emphasis long, time. Her decision to ask you to leave was not impulsive, not a reaction (like you are going through).

 

YES! Your eyes are open, only because of a stimuli that got a reaction from you. Any changes you promise (no matter how heartfelt) are suspect - as if just to your way - as usual.

 

There will never again, at least perminently (in all liklihood, be a "as usual" again. If you are to be together, you will begin a new relationship, period. That means putting the past behind.

 

Gonna take awhile, Sir, if you do it right. Do not beg and plead. Follow the 180's, agree 100% with what your wife asks for. Her eish is your command. Think carefully about. You will give her ANYTHING SHE DESIRES (including you absense, or a divorce within reason according to your attorney - if she asks for that). You want her to be happy becausse you love her, this is the you are operating from.

 

With the exception of the letter to therapist, no contact. If she wants you, she will have to write a letter or come to your door. I dont recall if there aee kids (my nee device is complicated if I move the page I might loose the text). In that ccase we can give variation to this design.

 

I strongly disagree with the others in asking your wife for anything since she has asked you to leave you home, that was a very drastic move that calls for a new approach (call your alterate 180 apprach "Tough Love"). It makes no difference, she either wants you or she doesn't. You must be willing to walk away, especially when you' ve been thrown out.

 

it takes two to break up a marriage, Sir. She is not perfect by far.

 

I'm not siding with either one of you, because I know from experiece the truth lies in the middle of both your stories and both of your egos.

 

I saay DO NOT ask any questions that you surely know the answer to. It's gonna be a BIG NO, or it is gonna put you on eggshells for a long time while you perform CPR on a dead horse.

 

Look on pinned site fot Homer McDonald, and in a few months, perhaps you might start dating you wife again, occasionally. The bottom line, any relationship with her is going to have to be a completely NEW relationship. You have to let go, and properly grieve the problematic one first.

 

I hope for you the old relationship works out. But you know can see the secondary option introduced here. Yas

 

PS Ask her kindly, by email to pack your belongings and put in garage or alternate area for pick-up. Arrange time when she will not be there. I'm telling you now, you don't need to see her or talk to her in your condition, and visa-versa.

Edited by Yasuandio
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Mr. Lucky commented you have nothing to lose. But I would not see her -- instead, consider, with the assistance of the forum, this approach through the back door. No one is perfect hon.

 

If I were to deliver this message, I would decline seeing her face to face at the train station, because that, I believe is (a) a curious and selfish idea on her part that can lead you on and ultimately hurt you; and (b) you're obvious motive is desparation to see her in a needy way which is natural, but extremely unattractive and a huge turn-off. Plus, we want to give her time to miss you and think about you.

 

So, in picking up you stuff, I would request, respectfully, that you do this in privacy. I would employ 180 until we figure ou method to deliver information of critical nature to her. And then drop it. I do believe it is FAIR that her and the therapist understand how you perceived the therapy. It is possible this therapist was not right for you.

 

Possibly a formal letter to the both of them that states how you felt (show that you copied it to both parties). No apologies - simply explain exactly how you were feeling during the sessions like you did above.

 

this letter is ONLY about your side of sessions that were about you and methods that caused you discomfort or really "how you felt."

 

End letter on a positive note, exoressing the positive things you learned in therapy, without getting gooshy. Strategies of opening up, communication, blah, blah ---- but give a GENERIC example for each one in parentheses.

 

Now that I think about it - write the letter to the therapist and copy it to you wife.

 

at the end, you might say you regret that the sessions did not work out, but you do appreciate the theripist's efforts. Or, whatever the case is, maybe your wife no longer wishes to attend, or your wife has determined that the sessions are no longer needed, or you have been asked to move from the premises and will be living xxxx miles away, only facts. Hope these ideas are helpful. Dont do anything without some consensus from the forum. I keep eye on you. Yas

Certainly a good idea. Let us know what you decide and how it works out...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I will add that women are not mechanical robots who all respond and act identically. The 180 may be exactly what is needed in your situation, but I can't say for sure. I'm not as big a proponent of the 180 in your type of scenario as I am when one spouse is engaged in an affair.

 

Consider that perhaps your wife is pulling the divorce card to achieve exactly the response that she has gotten out of you. Her going that route has opened your eyes. Maybe it was her last ditch attempt to get you to change. A wife in that mindset will view the 180 as further proof that you don't care and will solidify the divorce decision in their mind.

 

That's why I advised that you test the waters a bit here to see what kind of reaction you get from your wife. If she stonewalls you after you show some effort, them the 180 will still be there for you to use.

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I will add that women are not mechanical robots who all respond and act identically. The 180 may be exactly what is needed in your situation, but I can't say for sure. I'm not as big a proponent of the 180 in your type of scenario as I am when one spouse is engaged in an affair.

 

Consider that perhaps your wife is pulling the divorce card to achieve exactly the response that she has gotten out of you. Her going that route has opened your eyes. Maybe it was her last ditch attempt to get you to change. A wife in that mindset will view the 180 as further proof that you don't care and will solidify the divorce decision in their mind.

 

That's why I advised that you test the waters a bit here to see what kind of reaction you get from your wife. If she stonewalls you after you show some effort, them the 180 will still be there for you to use.

 

Fair enough, I agree. However, I thought you already went through the begging and desparation stage. Perhaps a reflective request to attempt reconcilation couldn't really matter at this stage. But, please accept, without question, the answer you recieve. Just nod, and say "ok," and proceed to move. Nothing you SAY will change anything. Possibly, your silence during packing, and the final ride to the taxi will give her a good painful memory of her own doing. Whatever you do - don't engage in convo to try to change her mind - that willonly push her farther away.

 

This one is a big crap shoot, anyway. If she is "gun-ho" on getting you out toot-sweet, Im gonna think there is another party involved - sorry to sat. We will know more when we hear hoe it goes, or, her reaction if it doesn't go as originally planned (per my suggestion).

 

My idea rests on the principles that emphasize that the D word shouuld not be so flagrently thrown from the mouth of spouse; nor should a spouse be so flagrently thrown out the door of his home. Either puts the kabash on future trust - that, in my opinion, is quashed for good (other than looking over your sholder or walking on eggshells).

 

By no means do I suggest they cannot be a couple again. But the old relationship must be laid to rest, and properly grieved. It is then when the two of them will value one another and begin a new relationship - if, that is in the cards. Thats my take. Read the 3 sentence method by Homer - or listen to the tapes, over and over again. Maybe 10 times till you really get it. See pinned thread. Yas

 

PS If u do write a letter to thrrapist, let us see it first, please, happy to read it over for you.

Edited by Yasuandio
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I will add that women are not mechanical robots who all respond and act identically. The 180 may be exactly what is needed in your situation, but I can't say for sure. I'm not as big a proponent of the 180 in your type of scenario as I am when one spouse is engaged in an affair.

 

Consider that perhaps your wife is pulling the divorce card to achieve exactly the response that she has gotten out of you. Her going that route has opened your eyes. Maybe it was her last ditch attempt to get you to change. A wife in that mindset will view the 180 as further proof that you don't care and will solidify the divorce decision in their mind.

 

That's why I advised that you test the waters a bit here to see what kind of reaction you get from your wife. If she stonewalls you after you show some effort, them the 180 will still be there for you to use.

 

I couldn't have said that better myself. If a wife has nothing to feel "guilty" for, the 180 is crap and just showing her exactly the behavior she has come to know.

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I couldn't have said that better myself. If a wife has nothing to feel "guilty" for, the 180 is crap and just showing her exactly the behavior she has come to know.

 

I'll go with Trippi, and Bestrong. You can try my thing, or variation thereof, anytime afterwards. Good luck! Yas

 

PS What would really be great is if you could open up and tell, or read those notes you shared on how you perceived the therapy during a session with you wife. That might be a real eye-openener for everyone! I certainly was taken aback.

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Yes, thank you everyone. I am going into this with all of your thoughts and comments in mind.

 

Be Strong, Trippi, I am totally in agreeance with you on the 180. If there isn't that guilt factor, than the 180 is just further proof of not caring about the relationship. It would just be seen as the continuance of the turning away from each other we each did. I don't want to turn away anymore! And doing so now would just be a disservice to both of us. Thank you, Be Strong and Trippi.

 

Yasuandio, I also appreciate your comments as well. There is a lot of valuable information for me coming from you as well. I especially like your comment that the old marriage be laid to rest. I was thinking of that same exact thing myself. I want us to "divorce" our old relationship and build a new one on our improved communication and marital skills. My plan all along for this meeting is to be reflective. And I am prepared to say "ok" and move along. Thank you so much.

 

I'm heading out early tomorrow and will be away for a while; it's a long drive. But for everyone's edification, I will let you all know what happened. Thank you for being here for me, all of you. The kindness of strangers means so much to me.

 

Wish me luck.

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Yes, thank you everyone. I am going into this with all of your thoughts and comments in mind.

 

Be Strong, Trippi, I am totally in agreeance with you on the 180. If there isn't that guilt factor, than the 180 is just further proof of not caring about the relationship. It would just be seen as the continuance of the turning away from each other we each did. I don't want to turn away anymore! And doing so now would just be a disservice to both of us. Thank you, Be Strong and Trippi.

 

Yasuandio, I also appreciate your comments as well. There is a lot of valuable information for me coming from you as well. I especially like your comment that the old marriage be laid to rest. I was thinking of that same exact thing myself. I want us to "divorce" our old relationship and build a new one on our improved communication and marital skills. My plan all along for this meeting is to be reflective. And I am prepared to say "ok" and move along. Thank you so much.

 

I'm heading out early tomorrow and will be away for a while; it's a long drive. But for everyone's edification, I will let you all know what happened. Thank you for being here for me, all of you. The kindness of strangers means so much to me.

 

Wish me luck.

 

signalmtn - good luck....if I could leave you with this bit of advice, on this long drive, don't imagine the scenarios....when we have scenarios and play them out in our mind, it's because we have expectations. None of us control the outcome, so expectations can become short lived or bitter.

 

What I see is someone who has learned a lot about himself, on your drive, remember that you have the best of intentions, and no matter the outcome, you will be fine as well. Truly understanding each other is being able to see each other's perspective, it's not about control, it's about respect. You will both have to tow that line as well....and I think she will once you have both reconciled what you see now.

 

Our freedom to ourselves is knowing that we control nothing but ourselves.

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You have such great advice here already. I will just add that many, many spouses would give everything to see this kind of awakening and change in the other. It is very possible that your wife is not set on separating IF you two can have a successful relationship together without the depression, meanness, and unhealthy stuff. And I might add, you making a huge effort to show her what you can do about it, will be gallant and heart-meltingly winning, if she has any trust left in you. Hard to resist that! If you indeed had a good relationship before, I applaud your effort to show her your changes now. I hate to put it this way because I know you want to reconcile (and yes I think it is possible that you can)-- but even if you two divorce, your changes will benefit you hugely. Bravo. As our (very excellent) marriage counselor told us, he often sees the same person return to his office after divorce, with a new partner but the same old problems. You can't go wrong working on your end.

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Well, she picked me up. Mostly silent drive to our home. I asked for a conversation, she guardedly asked me "depends on what". i told her all I have mentioned before and more, kept it calm and civil, just my efforts to improve myself. Turns out this was over long before I knew, she was nearly emotionless the whole talk. I'm packing up now, it's a horrible feeling. Worst day of my life. She still couldn't tell me why we're getting divorced and why it wasn't worth a try, but no answer. I guess it doesn't matter now.

sigh

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evanescentworld

Well, now at least you know where you stand. I personally didn't feel talking would be of benefit, and it gives me absolutely no pleasure whatsoever to find I was correct. Sad.

I'm really sorry you had the experience, but try to be philosophical, and use it as a learning curve. I hope you can glean some advantage or benefit from the outcome, even if at present, it seems to hold nothing of the sort....

 

Take care of yourself. Try to not let it bring you down, I know that's hard; But breathe, start again, and know that while you can see a source of your sadness, she may be suffering for she knows not what. Nothing worse than feeling wretched, and believing it's normal, ok everything will be fine because of course it's someone else's fault....

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Im very sorry, but too, not surprised. I know what it is like to have the door slammed shuts in your face when you are humbled to the max, especially when the door was shut in to begin with. I want you to think about that point very carefully (not that it will lighten the blow, but perhaps this thought will turn up the gas to you may have brighter light).

 

I find her responsse to your requese to be flippent, especially with the kind but confusing offer to pick you up at the train station, that, in retrospect, would make me want to gag. See term "gaslighting" in critical readings thread if you wish - that is how I define her bravado-tude, "it depends what it is...." Hmmmmm. Code for third party, that is what "it is."

 

I would again refer you to Homer McDonald's readings with one caviet, cut all contact totally and completely for one year (if you can be magnanomous enough to pull this off, you might have a good chance of success - this is the ONLY chance there is). You must let her go, etc., etc., etc., said over and over again on this and every other site. But here is a tip to help you in your EVOLUTION - start investigating the "kick loves azz (sp)." This will give you support - a year is nothing compared to the life of a marriage - or in your case, if it is in the cards, (and she evolves in your absence), the rebirth of a new relationship.

 

Back to Homer - I have talked to this man - he is one salty dude. I know what he would likely tell you, if she is the gonner I think she is, he would tell you to let the divorce go though and do nothing. I hope hope you do at least realize you must do 180 and NC to heal at this time. Those are my suggestions. You are a decent man - and I think while you are at it - I would go ahead and get that letter on record - then disappear. Make sure to provide balance in praise as well as the valuable feedback you shared with us. After that letter to therapist - there is no going back after her cold rejection. There will be a serious concequence for that. You must keep your dignity. One year you will be feeling better and will be doing what Homer says hopefully. See doctor also - this is one of the hardest things we must go thru in life. Do not back down - you have now effectively become her option not her priority - and for now, the time being, or forever for that matter - she has trashed you. Thats it. Yas

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