My Wife just left.

[wtc83]

I am not one to usually use chat forums but I can see from reading through other stories there is a lot of support out there. With that here is my painful situation. I was texting with my Wife 2 days ago and something seemed to be off. We have been planning a trip to Disney World next month since last Feb to celebrate our anniversary(we are both big Disney fans). She seemed very uninterested in what I was saying about the trip and I thought it strange as she has put countless hours into the planning of this trip and was so excited about it. She is a nursing student and is currently not working so I am the sole income but I make decent money and we don't really struggle we just have to watch what we spend. We have been together for 12 years and married for almost 7. Well I came home that same night after work to find her sitting on the couch with her jacket and shoes on and a backpack packed. I asked her what was up and she said she was leaving and that she wasn't happy and didn't think she loved me like she used to. I went into complete shock as I was completely blindsided by all of this as things were seeming to be going really good. I asked her if the marriage was over and she said she thinks so. We had a rough patch right after we first got married as she has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and there were times I was ready to call it quits but I knew I needed to be there for her. We seemed to work through that and she has improved dramatically. She has always been there to support me and I have done everything I can for her in terms of support. She is currently staying at friends of ours and said she would return Saturday to talk about what will happen going forward. The last 2 days have been complete hell as I feel so helpless and am an emotional wreck. I haven't been able to eat since she left and sleeping has been very limited. I am just at a loss for this as she seemed to be doing very well with her mental health and I feel we are closer now than we ever were. I asked her about this and she said she hasn't been happy for a while and was pretending to be happy but I know my wife and when she is not happy I can usually sense it. Our sex life is the best it has been since we first started dating and I am pretty sure she isn't cheating as we are always home together at night and she studies and doesn't leave the house much during the day other than to go to the store to grab food or go to school. She is also a very affectionate person and we cuddle and hold each other all the time. I just have a hard time seeing life without her in it as everything I do I do for us. It has been an emotionally tough few months as we had to put our 16 year old dog down two months ago(he was a rescue dog we adopted and had for 11 years). I also found out 2 weeks after that that the company I was working at was closing but have since taken up a managerial position at a large company with a bright future there. She was so happy and excited for me when I got that job and our future looked so bright. About a month after we lost our dog she started talking about having a baby and I just suggested we wait until she finishes school next year so we don't interfere with her studies. She agreed that would be the best idea also. I know she feels like a let down and hates that she has to rely on me for money. She has tried different schooling over the years but nothing seemed to work out but now with her nursing she is doing amazing in school and I have told her how proud I am of her. She told me as she left that I can do better than her and I deserve to be with someone better. I sent her a text just saying I miss you but got no response and maybe it was a mistake to try to contact her right now but I do just miss her so much. I just don't know what to say to her tomorrow when we get together to talk about all of this but I am just so sad right now I just want her in my arms.

Edited September 19, 2014 by wtc83

[HouseHusband66]

I am sorry this is happening man, hopefully you can learn what the underlying issue is of why she is not happy . It could be a depression relapse and I have clinical depression to and you do stuff that is off the wall. Her meds may not be effective no longer too. But try not to pressure her when you meet to talk about the future as you do not want more distance between you . Ask about seeing a marriage counselor and if she does not want to go ask her if she would consider counseling for her alone. Whatever happens do not argue or get angry with her. It is not over yet .

 

Concerned

[Justanaverageguy]

I am pretty sure she isn't cheating as we are always home together at night and she studies and doesn't leave the house much during the day other than to go to the store to grab food or go to school.

 

Hard to really say whats going on based on the information you have given - also the fact she has had some mental health issues in the past also makes this hard to judge.

 

I don't want to make things worse for you or freak you out ..... but under normal circumstances, based on what you have said and the suddenness and the lack of an explanation on her part I personally would suspect a third party to be involved. No guy likes to hear that and I have no hard facts from you which prove that - so can ignore it if you wish. But from my experience with women - they normally only act like this when cheating.

 

Someone who is unhappy in a relationship will let their partner know about it. They are prepared to sit down, explain their feelings and usually work on the relationship. Go to counseling etc etc. They will have a list of reasons why they are unhappy a list of reasons why they no longer want to be in the relationship. Its a big deal to end a long term relationship - the loss of security both financial and emotional when leaving a marriage is huge. People don't just thrown that away overnight - people will put effort into saving it ..... unless of course if there is already someone else. Then the rules for the breakup process completely change.

 

Women who just pack a bag and leave with no real explanation - are normally women who are cheating and have fallen for someone else. Let me tell you women when they "fall in love" can go a bit nuts. It's like they are high on crack. They do not act in a logical manner. They leave abruptly so they can be with their new love interest and often struggle to provide a valid reason to their old partner .... because the real reason is not one they wish to disclose.

 

I would do some more digging if I was you to find out what is going on. I would also question her directly when you speak with her and see what her reaction is.

[wtc83]

I have more answers now, we have had a good talk and I now there isn't anyone else in the picture as I asked her about this and she wanted to make certain that I know she has no feelings for anyone else. She feels terrible for the way she left the other day and knows it was the wrong way to go about it. The main issue she has is that she just doesn't feel the same love she once had. We both don't know what the future for us holds. She thinks maybe with all the mental health problems she went through that she doesn't love herself anymore and in that case can't properly love anyone else right now. She said she wishes she still loved me the way I love her as we are best friends and she still enjoys spending time with me. She has never questioned my love for her and feels if she can't love me the way I deserve that it's not fair to me. She came home today and we had a good talk about everything with many tears. She herself hasn't slept in days feeling so guilty about what she did. I know she cares for me, I just need her to love me. I asked her straight up about a divorce and she isn't interested in that at all, she even said that if she can't make it work with me and the way I care for her that she has no interest in getting married again and if things don't work out with us it will be up to me if I want to get one to move forward. She has agreed to try to work on us mind you she will be staying at her mother's for a while. I have some of my own issues I want to work on as I am a quiet person ad have always tried to keep my problems from her ad to myself as I didn't want to cause her more stress. She wants me to be much more open with her as well. She wants us both to talk to someone about all this individually before we can go forward talking to someone together. The future is still quite uncertain but I told her I am not ready to give up hope on us. Neither of us hates the other and we both agreed that's what makes this so hard. She has assured me I have been a great husband and she still wants to see me just not on an intimate level right now. I did ask her about our upcoming trip and she said she will think about it but if she decides to go don't expect it to be an automatic relationship saver but maybe a start to something. She is still home with me right now and I don't know if I should have let her stay but she is finally sleeping and I want to let her rest. I am happy to finally get some answers but still sad that our life together is still up in the air. We will take it one day at a time to see if we can save us.

Edited September 20, 2014 by wtc83

[ja123]

It's very positive to go to individual counseling as well as joint counseling.

 

 

Wishing you good luck!

[ja123]

Here's some links that might be helpful:

 

 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

 

 

What to Do with a Depressed Spouse

[2sunny]

Seems like cheating may be happening.

 

Start checking! Look at her phone bill.

 

And cut off all her money sources. If she wants to abandon you and the marriage she better get earning her own money!

 

I hate to present it that way - but seriously, she just expects to walk away after all those years and expects to still have access to all the money you've earned? IF she wants out it's for a reason! That reason is usually because someone else interests her.

 

So since she intends to abandon you - she can be the one to figure out how SHE is going to live by earning her own money.

 

Start making her have consequences for her choice.

 

It won't be long before it's revealed which new guy she manipulates into paying her way next! Just don't let it be you any longer.

[Justanaverageguy]

She has never questioned my love for her and feels if she can't love me the way I deserve that it's not fair to me.

 

She has agreed to try to work on us mind you she will be staying at her mother's for a while.

 

All still sounding alarm bells for me. She has given you the dreaded - I love you but I am not "in love" with you and then essentially asked for a separation. None of these are good signs.

 

My recommendation is read the sticky thread at the top of this forum "Critical readings for separation and divorce". Do it ASAP as it has a lot of really good information about how you should act through this process if you really wish to save the marriage. Pay particular attention to the 180 section.

 

Most mens default reaction, when their wives move out or ask for a separation, is the wrong one. They give into her request and begin trying harder to save the marriage and show their partner how much they care - they cry, beg, declare then undying love. Etc, etc. When she is having second thoughts about the relationship this can make you come off as desperate and unattractive.

 

The 180 is the complete opposite - it is you actively pulling back and giving her space. Turning the tables and taking the power back in the situation. It is FAR FAR FAR more effective way of getting your partner to see you as a strong, healthy attractive person and want to stay in the relationship. Go ahead and read it here -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Just a quick example of something I would do. Do not ask her to come on the holiday you were planning that she is saying maybe on. Instead tell her you have decided you want to do the trip on your own. That you need some time to yourself to process what she has told you and have decided to ask a friend to come on the trip instead. Tell her it will be good for you to get out and clear your head with a buddy and have some fun.

 

Watch her reaction when she starts demanding you allow her to come on the trip. Turn the tables.

[oldshirt]

Assuming you are not abusive, addicted to any substances, chronically unemployed and not trying to find work and assuming you have not completely ignored or neglected her for a prolonged period of time, it is very rare for a woman to just pack up and leave without a 3rd party in the picture somehow.

 

 

Generally speaking any time a woman says, "I love you but not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) it means she has lost her sexual attraction for you and someone else has caught her eye and her attraction for him and the hormone rush that she has gotten from that makes her feel as if she has fallen out of love with you. they typically will also go on to rewrite history in such a way that they are convinced they never really loved you and that marrying you was a mistake.

 

 

Now those are the "typical" cases of wife abandoning the marriage and giving the ILYBNILWY. Given your wife's history of mental illness, she may just be frick'n nuts.

 

 

You have the responsibility to do a sincere and good faith investigation into if there is someone else that is behind this. As was mentioned earlier start going through phone and text records, crack into her emails and Facebook, go through her phone, talk to close friends and family (who may be covering up for her) leave no stone unturned. This is very odd to have this happen so suddenly and out of the blue. Unless there is something you aren't telling us and you are beating her or cheating yourself or just an ass, this is highly atypical behavior unless she has someone else waiting in the wings and then it is completely typical.

 

 

IT DOES NOT COUNT TO JUST ASK HER IF THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE! She will just say no and will deny it until the ink is dry on the divorce decree and then the next thing you know, she is moving in with some dude that supposedly she was "just friends" with until the divorce was final.

 

 

Stop asking and Do some serious digging yourself (or hire a PI) . You are going to uncover a smoking gun.

 

 

More to follow......

[oldshirt]

......cont'd -

 

 

 

 

in the mean time get to a lawyer ASAP and start circling your wagons and preparing for divorce. You need to protect your home, income, retirement accounts, assets, property, bank accounts, everything.

 

 

Justanaverageguy is spot on, the things most guys do in this situation such as beg, plead, negotiate, promise the sun and moon, buy gifts etc etc actually drives the wives further away.

 

 

You need to look up "The 180" and follow it to the letter. In a nutshell you need to do the opposite of what your instincts are telling you to do right now and you need to cut her off from everything and start moving on with your life without her FOR REAL.

 

 

Many people confuse the 180 as a method of getting someone back. it is not. The 180 is a self-survival strategy to insure that you continue to take care of yourself and look out for your own best interests so that she does not manipulate you and does not turn you into some kind of spineless, sniveling dancing monkey dancing around trying to appease her and coddle her into staying.

 

 

The 180 is to keep you as strong as can be in the face of a big upheaval in your life and to make sure that you get through this in as good a shape as possible.

 

 

Here is the irony though. there are times when people do the 180 and are moving on with their life and doing well without their partner, their partner does regain some respect and attraction for them and realizes that they are not going to have a safety net to fall back on, and they realize that this new person they think is a bigger, better deal really isn't and some times they do come back.

 

 

You have to assume and plan on that she is never going to come back and you need to act accordingly and cut off her cash-flow and cut off her support and comfort and security.

 

 

Without her cash flow and without her safety net and creature comforts, she is going to quickly see that this other guy is most likely just using her for a pump-and-dump and she is going to quickly realize that living with her mom is no walk in the park either.

 

 

As long as you funding her little romantic getaways and as long as you are giving her access to the house and the cars and are there telling her how much you love her and promising how good of a guy you are and pleading with her to come back, she will feel safe and secure while she is test-driving this other guy while she is on her little vacation from reality.

 

 

But if you cut all that sht off yesterday and let her flounder on own, things will get real for her real fast.

 

 

95% chance this other guy isn't really in love with her but is just after some quick and easy poontang. Once he sees she's actually going to be on her own and actually wanting more from him, he's going to fade away like a fart in the wind.

 

 

The reason you need to be as squared away as possible and in as good of a position on your own as possible, is because when she does show up on your doorstep one day and has his jiz dripping down her leg, you need to be in a position where you can make a true decision on whether you are going to take her back now or go ahead and move on with your life without her now that she has done all of this.

 

 

The 180 can make it so that you aren't just taking her back out of some desparate knee-jerk reaction because you are so shocked and scared to be on your own.

[2sunny]

I don't think you have the full extent of why her feelings suddenly changed.

 

Check her phone log. Check her email.

 

And now it looks like you are being so nice, so understand while your wife is trying to blow your world apart.

 

Start taking charge of the situation. Stop being her doormat.

 

She doesn't love you anymore because she doesn't respect you.

 

 

If she isn't in love with you anymore then she should get out there and find her own place by paying her on way. She can experience how difficult things will be when she has everything to figure out on her own. And don't ease her pain - she should experience some severe consequences for blowing up your life.

 

She's selfish and self centered. Stop thinking you need to worry about her - she's just stabbed a knife in your back...fight back by protecting yourself!

 

Guard your money too - she will take off with what's available if you don't move assets into your name only!

 

Get busy! Don't believe her lies - she's seeing someone that's caused her feelings to change. You're being too trusting and too naive.

 

 

You have NO answers - stop thinking you do.

Edited September 21, 2014 by 2sunny

[lolablue17]

I think you did well until now. Yet it's time to change attitude.

 

Your first step was to assure her that you love her and it's all up to her from now on, that's good to help her feel calm and unstressed, so she wouldn't make sudden panic moves. You've achieved your goal. Now it's time for your new move.

 

You should make her think that she starts losing you. Do it in a gentle modest way, not ostentatiously. But she must see a deadline (not a verbal explicit deadline).

 

your behavior must give her the understanding that she is putting your R at risk. Start going to parties, events, meet people, start increasing your social life. This good for many reasons.

 

1. It signals her that "baby, if you continue to seat on the fence you might lose it all".

 

2. preparing youself to your new life without her, but not as an abandoned poor miserable spouse, but as a strong man, confident and independent.

 

3. Women turn to like strong confident independent men who has a value. Go know... Your wife might like the new independent strong guy who isn't "begging her to stay" like a doormat.

 

4. If this will push her away from you - It means it meant to be anyway. You will just know it earlier.

[2sunny]

She said you could do better. That's another indicator of a cheater.

 

Get your head out of the sand - and stop paying her way.

 

Since she wants to be on her on - let her figure out how to pay her own way.

[jakrbbt]

I'd like to point out that if my husband posted on here, everyone would say I was cheating-- and I most definitely am not. I know I'm only one person, but for a point of view.

 

When I tell him I'd like a divorce, he'll think it is sudden. (Though it is not.) I keep my phone locked now. I keep my computer secret. I have lost my attraction for him.

 

Oldshirt is probably correct that it is rare for a spouse to up and leave without some other love-interest where there isn't any abuse, neglect, chronic unemployment et c. The problem is, sometimes a husband doesn't even know that he's been doing abuse, neglect, chronic unemployment or any of that. Only you know OP, or can find out. But I can say that my h (for instance) would probably swear and does in fact swear that there isn't any chronic unemployment or neglect, even though the facts are squarely opposite his point of view. He tells another story, to save his pride maybe, just like so many of us do. And he has not heard me when I tell him my concerns, so it will be a surprise to him when I ask for a divorce, unfortunately. That is not super uncommon.

 

So first take a look at whether that is a possibility. Neglect, lack of compatibility, and unmet expectations can really make someone bolt. An immature person can get married for the wrong reasons, like it seemed like a good idea, and then foster cold feet for some time before bolting.

 

Of course, I am not sure what you can do with that. From your description of your guys's "talk," it sounds like she wants to avoid argument and conflict with you and is just grasping at reasons to explain the break up to you and make it her fault-- so you can't change it. So be it. That means that you cannot change it and you may never get peace, except with some hard-core taking-care-of-yourself and lots of time, doing its thing, that magical thing that heals almost all wounds, time. Take care of yourself.