Should I or Shouldn't I ?

[HouseHusband66]

Hello my story starts in 1984 . My wife and I had gone out several times starting in 1981 but finally connected for good in 84. My wife graduated in 87 and I in 84 so we were both kids. Our son was born in 86 and we were married in 87. Since then we have had 3 children and now 2 grandchildren. My wife had a affair off and on since 2012 with a coworker. It started when I ignored her needs due to my illness. No excuse I failed her as her husband. I had got out the funk and we seen our pastor for counseling. We tried and in Sept 2013 I found she is still having a affair with him. She continually lied to me about who she would text and where she would be . I was controlling and I tried so hard to trust her and not be suspicious all the time but I was and that apparently is what caused her to stray away from me to the other guy. I did not give her the love she needed so she got it from him. We tried counseling and went 2 times. I had told her that I would stop being controlling and I did . It stopped that instant. This had really woke me up. Things were great ! We were happy and doing things together . More intimacy as well . With my trust issues i checked the phone records because i am so insecure I seen she was still calling him and texting him and this was in December. We then went to counseling for a regular times and it helped. Tracey realized that she needs to be with me in the marriage and with someone else would just bring unhappiness. So we start again fresh in 2014 only to find out in July she was still talking to him. She told me she does not want anything to do with him but he is just a friend. He is the only friend that calls her as her high school friends don't anymore. I told her she couldn't talk to him. This last Wednesday I wanted a piece of gum so I didn't want to go to my desk to get some and wake my granddaughter up i looked for some in my wife's purse and came across a track phone card and she confessed to still talking to him. I asked her to pack her clothes and leave. The hurt is too much to continually go through this again and again. Now I stay home and I clean the house while she goes to work, I do all the laundry and make sure she has clean work clothes everyday , I do the grocery shopping and I buy her flowers every other week ( a few carnations) and I tell her she is beautiful everyday and I love you a 100 times a day, I take good care of her. Our sex life is good . I do not understand why she would keep talking to the other guy. It has been hard this last couple days . But I think being apart she can find out what she wants . She has come over to work on a wedding dress for someone and we shared a pizza last night . We had talked a little being very supportive and nice. And we have been crying and hurting. We both love each other . She came over to pick up our daughter for work as they both work at the same place so I seen her again . Is this good to be seeing her and not pressuring each other ? Or should we try not to see each other ? I do want to get back together but only if changes are made. Not sure what to do?

[evanescentworld]

Politeness prevents me from being unkind, but I hate to say it - she has made a most wonderful doormat out of you, and wipes her feet on you quite happily, and will continue to do so, for the rest of your lives together.

 

if this is not what you look forward to, I would suggest you drastically change what you do, speak to a counsellor about your dreadful self-image, and throw her out for good, permanently and let her stand on her own two feet.

File for divorce, and end this.

[Be_Strong]

Everything you have been doing is counterproductive. Everything. Blaming yourself for her affair is the root of your problems.

[Be_Strong]

To answer your specific questions at the end of your post, limit contact to the bare, necessary minimum.

[HouseHusband66]

I do blame myself alot , I had put her through hell early in marriage with my drinking . I was not a good husband and gone alot at night. We fought alot because of it. She remained faithful to me until 2012 . Now that I have changed to be her caretaker and loving husband things go south. I am learning this is not my fault. I have changed and forgiven more than most. I know I have been a fool but I love her. I am not going to let her walk over me again. If she wants to come back she will leave her job with no complaints. I will keep my distance.

[beach]

I do blame myself alot , I had put her through hell early in marriage with my drinking . I was not a good husband and gone alot at night. We fought alot because of it. She remained faithful to me until 2012 . Now that I have changed to be her caretaker and loving husband things go south. I am learning this is not my fault. I have changed and forgiven more than most. I know I have been a fool but I love her. I am not going to let her walk over me again. If she wants to come back she will leave her job with no complaints. I will keep my distance.

 

She's cheated! You can't make her be a decent person.

 

She won't stop - so you have two choices:

 

Stay with her and forfeit ALL of your dignity and self respect.

 

Or divorce her knowing she will continue to treat you like crap.

 

Stop doing anything for her! You act like a doormat!

 

You didn't cause it - SHE is the only one responsible for her actions!

 

IF she had been decent - she could have divorced you first. Then dated other men!

 

I doubt this is her first affair - just the first time you found out.

 

I'm left wondering if the kids are yours - don't assume they are.

[HouseHusband66]

She's cheated! You can't make her be a decent person.

 

She won't stop - so you have two choices:

 

Stay with her and forfeit ALL of your dignity and self respect.

 

Or divorce her knowing she will continue to treat you like crap.

 

Stop doing anything for her! You act like a doormat!

 

You didn't cause it - SHE is the only one responsible for her actions!

 

IF she had been decent - she could have divorced you first. Then dated other men!

 

I doubt this is her first affair - just the first time you found out.

 

I'm left wondering if the kids are yours - don't assume they are.

 

Wow that is pretty harsh. I know the kids are mine, they look exactly like me.

[beach]

Wow that is pretty harsh. I know the kids are mine, they look exactly like me.

 

What's pretty harsh is that you stay when she keeps cheating on you.

 

At this point it is your fault - because you keep staying. You've ALLOWED it!

 

And then you buy her flowers and tell her you love her and that she's beautiful?

 

You have an odd idea of beauty and love.

 

 

Nothing about how she's acted is beautiful or loving.

 

Get help to process reality for yourself. You're very tangled up in some twisted fog.

[Justanaverageguy]

Wow that is pretty harsh. I know the kids are mine, they look exactly like me.

 

I'm not going to be as harsh as Beach ..... but in a way I think you need to hear some of the things he said. Bring you back to the real reality of the situation. Seriously go back and read what you wrote here. Try and take your own emotions out of the equation and imagine someone else wrote this. One of your buddies who came to you for advice asking for what to do.

 

You know what you would tell them. That she is a bad news, a cheat and a liar. That there is only one thing to do here - leave her. If you don't - as Beach said you have given her permission to continue cheating. You have essentially given her a free pass which she will continue to use.

 

People are blinded by love and I don't think really understand the "attachment" side of the emotions they feel for a person properly. When you are with some one for as long as you have been with your wife - you become "addicted" to them. Seriously that's what it is - an addiction. That's why now, even though you know you have to leave her .... even though you know she is bad for you, even though you know she is treating you like garbage and cheating on you - repeatedly - you refuse to let go of her.

 

Why ? Because you "love" her. But what is love ? Why on earth would you love someone who treats you like that. Someone who shows you no value. You need to remember your own sense of self worth and demand to be treated the way you deserve to be. Break the addiction to her - go no contact and file for divorce. If you don't you will only be putting yourself through more pain.

[HouseHusband66]

You are right Just . It is the hardest thing I have been through in my life. If we had not been together since we were kids maybe it would not be as hard, I don't know maybe it would. I am addicted to her because I love her so much . I did tell her to pack her clothes and leave the instant i found out she was talking to this guy.

 

That is all she has been doing as of lately is talking to him . She is either at work or home. She works in a grocery store with my daughter and my buddy is her manager so I know she is there, I do not doubt it . But she says it is the only friend she can talk to. I told her this is the last time. I cannot be treated like this and told her to leave. I have forgiven her many times becuase I love her and because I have been forgiven by Christ. But I can only take so much.

 

I told her if I did let her come back it would have to be a decison of hers to quit her job. And many counseling sessions and still would not be set in stone I will stay married to her. There are times I feel stronger and I am already reading books on Rebuilding my life after divorce. Than other times i am weak and I cry. It's very hard , But I am to the point where I will not allow being used like that.

[texas143]

She broke you down so bad, that you started believing you had fault.

She has repeated too many times. It is HARD, but you have to let it go. Kill her in your heart.

[Justanaverageguy]

You are right Just . It is the hardest thing I have been through in my life. If we had not been together since we were kids maybe it would not be as hard, I don't know maybe it would. I am addicted to her because I love her so much . I did tell her to pack her clothes and leave the instant i found out she was talking to this guy.

 

I told her if I did let her come back it would have to be a decison of hers to quit her job. And many counseling sessions and still would not be set in stone I will stay married to her. There are times I feel stronger and I am already reading books on Rebuilding my life after divorce. Than other times i am weak and I cry. It's very hard , But I am to the point where I will not allow being used like that.

 

You are already giving her conditions under which you will take her back. You need to move on from providing conditions under which you will forgive her and simply move on and accept that your time together is over and you need to live your own life without her.

 

You say you love her ..... but do you really ? Honestly after what she has done to you ? Why did you initially fall in love with your wife ? It was because you thought she was a good person, she made you feel good. You shared hopes, dreams and values. You both wanted to share your life together. She made your life BETTER.

 

That is no longer true .... she is now a toxic substance for you. Just as cigarettes are toxic for a smoker or heroin is toxic for a junkie. She is doing you harm - not making your life better.

 

There is no "love" left in your relationship with her now. Not real healthy love .... not the love you started with. All that is left at this point is the attachment feelings (addiction) you have for her. THAT ALONE IS NOT LOVE!!! - though people think it is. The only way to break that is like a junkie and like a smoker gives up their vice .... go cold turkey and give up the toxic substance that is ruining your life and your happiness.

 

Go no contact - delete her number, file for divorce. The hardest part is the beginning just like giving up any addiction. You will feel an uncontrollable urge to call her and see her - consider that feeling the same as the craving a smoker gets when they give up .... and don't give into it. If you can make a week - you can make a month - if you can make a month you can make 6. Each day will feel better then the last and eventually you will look back on this time and go what the hell was I thinking. Only then you will be able to find real love again.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Justanaverageguy