confused3480 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I've been married for a year and a half now. I know things now that I didn't know before we were married. We waited until we married to have sex. He seemed very good at waiting, never tried to have sex, not even once. Now since we have been married we have had sex 9 times in a year and 7 months. I have been in intimate relationships before and had sex....never had this problem with a guy. My husband doesn't even look at me when I'm naked, no guy has ever been like this...I'm no model but I'm cute/hotish my bfs in the past have said. I thought maybe he was so into porn he has no desire for me, but it is next to impossible for me to catch him looking at porn, never have. Or I was thinking he is gay, no idea, starting to think he may be! We do have a lot of stress in our marriage so this does affect our sex life. But I have told him over and over that I need more sexually, I soooo badly want/need to feel desired. My other issue with him is he is irresponsible. He is sekf employed in realty and there are reciepts that need to be kept and mileage that HAS to be recorded in case of an Audit. Well he knows what he needs to do and says he will but he never does, it is up to me to nag him daily for gas reciepts and mileage records. He doesn't touch his finances except to spend them. I have to always always be on him making sure he doesn't go spending money (we are very very broke). I do all of his taxes (found out after we got married that he didn't do 4 yrs of taxes!) So I had to do them. I make sure anything and everything is paid and taken care of...he doesn't plan, or think of anything to do with daily responsibilities. He has a son and does not discipline him at all, his son is 12 now. His son is watching disturbing anime porn and drawing evil pictures and stealing. I just have lost some respect for him due to his la Lack of guidance for his son. We got a dog a few months ago, when I am away my husband doesn't let him out to pee and our dog pee's all over the house...how gross!!. I have a new car (although a 4cylinder dinky car) and still owe thousands on it. Basically weare stuck with this car for a long time (selling it would still owe thousands)...anyways the problem is he drives like an idiot and won't change. Not only does he get speeding tickets we can't afford, he drives that little car so hard it smells like smokey like he's frying it. I keep telling him not to drive so crazy but he doesn't stop. It is very upsetting because my mom was the cosigner on the car and ya...we just need that car in one piece. I just don't know how I can live like this the re st of my life. I run/look after HIS business and all financial aspects. I am not desired at all sexually by him. And he does things like let the poor dog pee everywhere and risks wrecking our newer car...also destroyed the interior of it already. I just need encouragement, and points of view, what would you do, keeping in mind we have had many talks about all problems. ancials including constantly hounding him. I am not desired by him at all. He isjust llain Please don't bash me, it may not sound serious but it is to me Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Goodness, why did you marry this guy? You sound totally incompatible. Yes I would divorce him and find someone who satisfies all your needs, physically, emotionally, financially, responsibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused3480 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Hi thanks for your advice. I feel that way for sure. I guess my biggest issue is my faith . I feel God doesn't like divorce, but this can't be how it's meant to be... Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 If God had anything against divorce, and it was considered a total religious no-no, then 50% of marriages wouldn't end, would they? Ask yourself whether God would like you to remain in this punishing, dreadful, soul-destroying (I use the term advisedly) pseudo-relationship and suffer sadness, hardship and difficulty for the remainder of your life, or whether he would like you, as a faithful follower, to find happiness, fulfilment and serenity by following what your heart and mind feel you need to do? Wouldn't God prefer a happy single follower, than a wretchedly unhappy married one? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I've been married for a year and a half now. I know things now that I didn't know before we were married. We waited until we married to have sex. He seemed very good at waiting, never tried to have sex, not even once. Was it also your idea to wait? Not sure how you determine you're compatible by doing so. I can't find one positive thing in your entire post about him. What attracted you to him in the first place? And what made you decide "He's the one" to marry ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I guess my biggest issue is my faith . I feel God doesn't like divorce, but this can't be how it's meant to be... That's a question only you can answer. Well I'm divorced and haven't been struck by lightning yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Hi thanks for your advice. I feel that way for sure. I guess my biggest issue is my faith . I feel God doesn't like divorce, but this can't be how it's meant to be... God doesn't like people who abuse others... He encourages us to stand up for ourselves/ others and do what is "right"... No one with half a brain will judge you for getting divorced. Many followers of religions are divorced. The question you need to ask is has their been joy in my life and have I brought joy to others... That is a far better religious question to ask. I am not divorced but know many who are and have not been disavowed or excluded... Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I don't know your faith...and certainly the rules of divorce vary greatly. If a Christian than I can understand your position (divorce is not an option except in the case of infidelity). In addition to the obvious (pray for guidance/God's will) reach out maybe to leaders in your religious community for guidance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused3480 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Well it's good to know that I do have reason for feeling this way. Ya in the Bible it says divorce only is alright if there is sexual adultry. It actually does say neither should withhold sex and that is a sin. What attracted me is he is my best friend...I can be 100% myself around him and that had never happened to me before. He is kind and gentle. Also I had no idea about his horrible avoidance of dealing with money, like leaving 4 years of taxes so like 35,000 owing! Ya I didn't live with him so I didn't know how he handles or doesn't handle his papeework. I didn't know he wouldn't have sex with me cus we waited. I never waited before in a relationship...but God wants us to because if is special and binds two hearts as one. I am glad I waited as I feel happy not taking the chance of giving myself and getting hurt, but I guess I did get hurt in the end. Thanks again for your advice. It is insanely hard to leave when parents just spent 205,000 on our wedding/honeymoon. And of course I will be a failure. and our poor dog will be devastated to not see his dad again. This is so hard Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 It always is, for everyone, no matter what their religious persuasion, or indeed, whether they believe in God or not. Thank your lucky stars you aren't pregnant or a mother already. Talk to a lawyer, and file. You owe him nothing, thankfully, but you owe yourself the opportunity to not be taken as a sucker, and be the one to pick up the pieces of his complete irresponsibility.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 It's hard for me to imagine a wife having to beg her husband for sex. When you do have sex together, is it any good? Does he seem into it or just going through the motions? Does he ever flirt with you? Did he ever flirt with you when you were first dating? Is he affectionate with you? Does he ever initiate sex or is it always you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused3480 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Thank you evanescentworld. I guess it isn't easy for anyone Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused3480 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Apparently many men do leave their wives unsatisfied for a lot of different reasons. Of course it is more so the other way around. When dating it was me initiating kissing etc...he dodged a kiss twice but I thought it was because I had bad breath...tell me to get a mint geezz if that was why. Sex has onl been goe, od the last 2 times and by good I mean he satisfied . He has only done forplay twice and you could see written on his face and his effort, really wierd. I have begged and he still doesn't do it. I don't beg in a particular moment, just in general for the future. I initiated on the night of our wedding, lets just say that...he layed down on the hotel bed, after waiting a year...I was in such a pretty dress too. After that I have initiated like 1 other time. But it needs to be him becausr man if I actually get shot down it will hurt. It's hard to initiate when he doesn't even look at me "that way". And he doesn't say "things" to me like any other guy would. Believe me it is hard for me to believe too! He 100% is just going through the motions. He does however give me endless hugs and cuddles and grandma pecks (kisses). He is very sweet, but very not sexual. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 i am going to go against the grain......you are only one year and seven months into your marriage....and times are a bit rough fro you at the moment.....from what i have read you havent sought counselling yet.....any form of either spiritual or marriage counselling...do not give up on your marriage so fast .....why did you marry him...remember why .....then seek professional counselling before taking advice to get divorced on people who dont know your full situation or the other side of the story....sex is important...but so is counsellingn when you hit spots where you are considering divorce......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused3480 Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 Thanks todream. I know it seems crazy to think this way after only such a short period...marriage does take work. I just never expected this kind of work. I expected arguements over money at times or a difference of opinions but not to this degree. I do thank you for the encouragement vch. We have been seeing a pastor but we really need to see a certified counsellor who will tell us we need to change, well tell him. The pastor won't give that time of advice, he sticks to the spiritual side of it, which is also missing from our relationship odly enough. I am thinking maybe just move out for awhile to give us space and hopefully show him how serious this is because he really doesn't seem to get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 .... I am thinking maybe just move out for awhile to give us space and hopefully show him how serious this is because he really doesn't seem to get it. This is not a good idea. Because that implies you will be back. His behaviour will improve, and you will be impressed enough to believe it permanent. Then, having lulled you into a false sense of security, he will slip back into his old ways. Sorry, but it happens all the time. And you will be played like a yoyo. You have pleaded to his better side many times. He has been uncooperative to say the least. By the sound of your post, he's incorrigible. I don't believe any half-measures would ever work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused3480 Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 You are most likely right, they always do go back to their old ways. I have to say it feels SO so good to talk to people other than my mom...she is great to talk to but it is of course stressful for her to hear. Thanks everyone for your imput and help even from behind a screen. I appreciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Ok, good.... *Poking you in the chest:* So you've heard our 'words' and we've heard yours: What ACTION are you actually going to take, now? (Actions speak louder, as you well know.... ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Good grief! You're not his mother nor his accountant! I'm not digging at you...just his lack of taking responsibility. Relationships 'do' take work but it shouldn't be this much work for you. ((hugs)) xx Get out of this and get out now. This isn't going to improve. I'm cool with working as a team. Me and my ex LTR did, we supported each other when we had to. he supported me when I was made redundant and looking for work at one point and I supported him when he was made redundant and then helped him set up his own business...but he put a tonne into that himself too! Your guy seems to think you will fix everything. Where is his input? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused3480 Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 Yup that's what I feel like his accountant and Mother. Feeling like a Mother to your husband is not a romantic thing! Yuck! Ya a certain degree of help is ok. Like I am good with preparing his taxes and recording in a nice log book his klms, but I expect him to document them in a note book first, it may be messy but that is the least he should do. He can drive "my" car all he wants but he can't drive it into the ground. And so on.... Thanks for your opinion! It may take me awhile to actually act on this but it feels good to hear this feedback! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts