I can't take anymore

[tippydog90]

I am in the middle of a divorce, and have a daughter who is almost three. My husband has been emotionally abusive since early on, only I didn't recognize the signs at first. He has also attempted (and likely has) cheated on me in the past. He signed up for dating sites while we were married, wrote to women on Craigslist, and did a search on the computer for where to find prostitutes in the town we lived in. I am a successful woman with a great job and our daughter is absolutely amazing. Smart, happy, sweet, beautiful and well-adjusted.

 

My husband travels for work and is gone for weeks at a time. He and I have both agreed I will have custody and he will have visitation as he can. Mind you he doesn't even have a place to live other than a basement room, without cooking facilities. So in my petition for divorce, my attorney put in the standard phrase that "the plaintiff is a fit and proper person to have custody, control, and care of the minor child". Second clause stated that the plaintiff and defendent would have joint legal and physical custody of the minor child with the plaintiff having primary physical custody and defendent reasonable visitation".

 

His attorney responded yesterday and "denied" both of those claims. Essentially stating I was not a fit and proper person to have custody of my daughter. I saw this email at work and completely melted down. I just broke down sobbing and was shaking so bad I could barely walk. I left work immediately and called my stbx and he said he had no idea his attorney sent that and didn't know why. By this point, I was absolutely out of my mind with anger and pain and I started screaming at him on the phone to have his attorney rescind this document asked him why are you doing this to me. Demanded he fire his attorney because he filed this response without consultation. Asked him if he knew how in it made me feel to be called an "unfit" mother. I admit, I completely lost it emotionally. I was absolutely devastated. My attorney called me an hour later and told me that response was "standard" to protect my stbx's rights and that it meant nothing. So it is standard practice to state someone is not a fit parent to protect the other parent's rights? Can this really be true? Mind you, I am a loving, devoted mother to a wonderful little girl. There is no one in their right mind that could ever even begin to claim I am not a fit mother. She adores me and I adore her. I don't understand. I just feel sick, empty, devastated and emotionally broken. I sobbed all night long, slept all of one hour. My eyes are swollen this morning and I have to go to work. I just cannot take anymore, this is too much to bear and I don't know what to do. All this on the one year anniversary of my mom's death. My stbx has no ability to feel empathy or compassion and he was even laughing when I was having my meltdown on the phone. How did he expect me to feel being hit with something like that? I just don't know what to do, where to turn, or how to go on. I feel like my heart and soul have been ripped out of me.

[Turtles]

I am in the middle of a divorce, and have a daughter who is almost three. My husband has been emotionally abusive since early on, only I didn't recognize the signs at first. He has also attempted (and likely has) cheated on me in the past. He signed up for dating sites while we were married, wrote to women on Craigslist, and did a search on the computer for where to find prostitutes in the town we lived in. I am a successful woman with a great job and our daughter is absolutely amazing. Smart, happy, sweet, beautiful and well-adjusted.

 

My husband travels for work and is gone for weeks at a time. He and I have both agreed I will have custody and he will have visitation as he can. Mind you he doesn't even have a place to live other than a basement room, without cooking facilities. So in my petition for divorce, my attorney put in the standard phrase that "the plaintiff is a fit and proper person to have custody, control, and care of the minor child". Second clause stated that the plaintiff and defendent would have joint legal and physical custody of the minor child with the plaintiff having primary physical custody and defendent reasonable visitation".

 

His attorney responded yesterday and "denied" both of those claims. Essentially stating I was not a fit and proper person to have custody of my daughter. I saw this email at work and completely melted down. I just broke down sobbing and was shaking so bad I could barely walk. I left work immediately and called my stbx and he said he had no idea his attorney sent that and didn't know why. By this point, I was absolutely out of my mind with anger and pain and I started screaming at him on the phone to have his attorney rescind this document asked him why are you doing this to me. Demanded he fire his attorney because he filed this response without consultation. Asked him if he knew how in it made me feel to be called an "unfit" mother. I admit, I completely lost it emotionally. I was absolutely devastated. My attorney called me an hour later and told me that response was "standard" to protect my stbx's rights and that it meant nothing. So it is standard practice to state someone is not a fit parent to protect the other parent's rights? Can this really be true? Mind you, I am a loving, devoted mother to a wonderful little girl. There is no one in their right mind that could ever even begin to claim I am not a fit mother. She adores me and I adore her. I don't understand. I just feel sick, empty, devastated and emotionally broken. I sobbed all night long, slept all of one hour. My eyes are swollen this morning and I have to go to work. I just cannot take anymore, this is too much to bear and I don't know what to do. All this on the one year anniversary of my mom's death. My stbx has no ability to feel empathy or compassion and he was even laughing when I was having my meltdown on the phone. How did he expect me to feel being hit with something like that? I just don't know what to do, where to turn, or how to go on. I feel like my heart and soul have been ripped out of me.

 

Remember:

 

* your h's attorney does not know you or your parenting abilities

* you are divorcing your husband so his opinion about you and your parenting abilities does not amount to anything either

* if your attorney say this is a standard response I would trust him on that

 

On my ex-wife's petition she stated that I had abused and threatened her. It pissed me off to no end because I never raised a hand against her - she on the other end hit me, spit at me and aimed a gun at me. But I asked my attorney and he said it didn't mean anything so I just ignored it and added it to the list of reasons I had to divorce her.

 

So keep calm and remember none of these people mean anything to you. The only thing that matters is the end goal - getting a good, safe environment for your daughter and for you.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Find strength to see past all the $^ he has done, and doing.

 

If you have a good friend who can be there for you all the better.

 

Since you have a child, use your womanly fight to protect your daughter by focusing on you. After all if you give up, difficulty in providing proper love and support that she needs will make her grow up faster than you think.

 

I can relate, not only living through such things, but seeing first hand what it does to children.

 

Getting away from the emotional abuse, is a start. But you must pull yourself up buy letting your rage and hurt be released in some way that is productive and shows that you are strong for yourself and your daughter.

 

You will have a lot of things thrown at you by the fact that he will be around for his daughter. The mind games he will do in manipulation, whether it be subtle or direct. You may feel this is going to be a never ending battle, but if anything your daughter will provide for all the love you will ever need to feel you have done right in providing for her in every way.

 

So don't go feeling that you lost anything, as the only good thing your EX has given you is your daughter. As long your heart still beats, he can never take her away. Again be strong and direct your love away from all the hurt, and let yer daughter know you are still strong for the both of you.

 

Peeps get worried when it comes to trusting a child to make decisions about who they love. All the negative words just push the child away from who says them. Keeping a buttoned lip on judgement and allowing the child to see for themselves will be your most powerful tool in having a loving relationship with your daughter. In an simple term, do not restrain her or make decisions for her. Be supportive and allow her to see your love for her as pure without limitations. Even if you think her dad is pulling her away. There will be a time when she will be her own person. A lot sooner than you think by the way.

 

Everything that has hurt you, will show you the way in seeing what you really need in a man. You may not feel comfortable for the 1st year being alone. But don't let the weakness of being alone cloud your judgement. Remember, your daughter will learn from your mistakes, so making another will hurt you both. You can learn that your biggest asset is yourself through living through tough times in bad relationships. Or you can believe in yourself now, and have a fresh start in life allowing for only the best, because you and your daughter deserve the best.

Edited September 18, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[Yasuandio]

Your attorney can explain this best, because I am not an attorney.

 

Divorce is adversarial in nature. That is a standard statement byy a "defensive" Defendant. The opposite party (you stbxh) has left the door open with that statement, in the event discovery may show that, indeed, you are unfit. During a divorce, you never know what might happen.

 

Your papers clearly state something you want. He may be perfectly agreeable to that, but, actually, on paper (as I see it), it's now a psychological bargaining chip. See how angry you are? Perhaps "out of control," many ways possible to spin your response and reactions. Just stay cool, whatever you do.

 

It could mean absolutely NOTHING.

 

Don't believe anything your husband says at this time. NC. He is the enemy now. Get that in your head. He could be tape recording you at any time. Any VM you leave could be played for the Court.

 

You have no right to tell him what representation to have or have not, girl. Keep your lip zipped. It sort of sounds like a Counter-Claim - but I don't know what it is, I just don't know. But you need to fully understand. Get yourself educated. Ask your attorney if he is counter-suing you for custody. Do not talk to him, at all. Go silent.

 

Do not leave VM! Yas

[Be_Strong]

Your attorney was absolutely correct. It was a completely routine matter to deny those allegations in the petition and in no way was your husband or his attorney making the claim that you are an unfit mother. Your reaction was completely unjustified (though the confusion was understandable considering your ignorance of the legal process).

[tippydog90]

Sorry, I don't think it is unjustified to be absolutely heartbroken, angry and horrified at the fact that I read a document that states I am not fit and proper parent. What is wrong with a legal system that has to brutalize a parent that has already been through enough.

[Turtles]

Tippy, it's true, but now is not the time to fight the legal system. Keep your head cool and your eyes on the finish line. Vent on LS if you must but making threatening or angry phone calls to your husband could really hurt you in the long run. Even better would be do NOT communicate with him at all other than through your lawyer.

 

Funny anecdote. I asked a lawyer a few weeks ago if I had grounds to call my child's mother "unfit" based on how neglectful she is (she really is terrible, btw). He told me NEVER bring up the words "unfit mother" unless you have solid proof of a major screw up to back them up. It would always trigger too much emotional response and judges are not likely to take it seriously anyway. I see now how right he was!

 

Hugs and good luck with your divorce. In a few months you will be on your own with your daughter and this stuff will be nothing but a bad memory.

[tippydog90]

I have just never felt more devastated in my life. Seeing those words yesterday just broke my heart and soul. I am a loving, doting, mother to my little girl. She is happy, sweet, well-adjusted and the light of my life. I still see those words in my mind, and it absolutely breaks my heart in two, even though I know nothing could be farther from the truth. I don't care what the legal system states is proper or not, to completely rip someone's heart in two to "protect" an abusive man is appalling. I had hopes that we had agreed on a settlement that was fair to both of us and I asked for so little. So very little in comparison to what I could have asked for. Almost nothing. I have a feeling he is meeting with his attorney today to discuss how they can continue to go for my jugular and further send my world crashing down around me. I feel so much despair right now, I cannot even describe it. My stbx has no empathy, no compassion and has no idea what love is. He never loved me, he used me for his own selfish purposes and is continuing to do so. I am trying to remain focused and strong, but right now it is so very hard. I have a feeling this is really heading south and I just don't know where I am going to find the strength to continue on.

[GoBlue]

I am very sorry for your heartache and pain. Everyone who read your post understands why you feel hurt, but you are continuing to make statements like, "I don't know how I can go on", and "I have a feeling this is going to head south and I don't know where I am going to find the strength", etc. You will find the strength to go on because of that beautiful three year old daughter who adores you and whom you adore with all your heart. There is a reason you and your husband are getting a divorce, and now it is time to focus on the health of your daughter.

 

Many of us who have endured the pain of divorce have had to go through tremendous emotional distress because of the choices others have made. The only person who doesn't have a choice in this mess is your daughter. You will find your strength one-day-at-a-time as you look into her eyes and stop worrying about what other people think or say about you. The legal system is the legal system and fretting about the "injustice" of it is not going to help you one bit. Finding a loving support group will help immensely, however. So, focusing your attention there will reap meaningful and practical help.

 

I truly am sorry for the devastation that you felt. I remember my wife telling me that she was divorcing me and that I would be served papers in the morning. I had peace and felt like everything would be ok and somehow we would still make it. Then I was served, and as I stood there reading those words in black and white, I completely fell apart. Believe me - I understand! Please know that you will get through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry, I don't think it is unjustified to be absolutely heartbroken, angry and horrified at the fact that I read a document that states I am not fit and proper parent. What is wrong with a legal system that has to brutalize a parent that has already been through enough.

You're going to have to look at the legal side of this as a contest, sort of an elaborate tennis game. Asking "why is he doing this" would be like questioning why your opponent is serving so hard - it's to his (perceived) advantage to do so. He wants to win, even though he may not know why it's important for him to do so.

 

Fortunately, you're playing doubles with a legal partner on your side. Assuming you've chosen well, let him return the nasty shots. Your role is to take care of your child, live your life and hit that perfect textbook volley on match point for the win.

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Legal terms of art can sound exactly like everyday language, mean something different. I don't do family law. But my take is that no one called you what we normally think of as an "unfit parent." Instead, the attorney was likely using language available to him/her to tell the court: "This is not the parent that "fits" all the court's considerations best, if you are given a forced-choice between her and my client. Instead, my client is more 'fitting.'" Well, unfit parent in everyday talk means that any kind and sane stranger would be better off with your kid than you. I doubt that is what the document meant to convey.

 

And if it was, what a dumb blustering by the attorney-- not likely to be taken seriously by the judge. Way to go, Bigmouth Lawyerpants-- hope you enjoyed your five seconds of credibility with the court. Aw, but some lawyers just fight like bulldogs to impress their clients (and get recommendations for more).

 

The reason you are so freaked out about it is that you ARE a good parent, and you have been conscientious about that. The words stung because being a good mother is important to you. Take your freaking-out as a good sign, and let yourself relax about it because you can afford to: You are a good mother, and you have a lawyer.

 

Your H may be playing some passive-aggressive game or he may be simply doing something to gain some financial advantage in the case or his attorney may be trying to "win" every battle here. But it won't do you much good to figure out the "why"s of his behavior.

 

Get up every morning and look in the mirror and say, "I, Tippydog, am not a victim. I am a good mother." You will feel stronger. No one is going to take your kid from you.

Edited September 21, 2014 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

Ps. I think you mentioned once that your husband planned to pay child support--could this simply be a boiler plate attempt by the lawyer at increasing parenting time enough to eliminate his spousal support?

[tippydog90]

Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I cannot convey enough how devastating reading those words were, regardless of the "legal" reasons behind them. I was completely unprepared for that and my attorney frankly dropped the ball when she sent the response to me without an explanation of why they were "denying" I was a fit and proper parent. Even after she explained it to me, it was still just devastating and I cried all night long non-stop. Slept one hour that whole night and cried the next day as well. It just hurt to the core because I cherish my daughter. My husband knew nothing about the response, his attorney filed it in response to my petition without telling him what it said, or what it meant.

 

Jakrbt - nothing was set up to increase visitation, decrease support, etc. At least as far as I know, I have not seen their response to our draft settlement yet. But I do know my husband is NOT in a position to increase visitation. He is on the road all the time and can barely see her as it is. I still do not understand why we have to deny that a parent is a fit and proper parent to "protect" the other parent. This whole process is heartbreaking enough without the legal system further tearing someone apart. My opinion.... There should be nothing wrong with acknowledging both parents are fit and proper if that is the case. I do know I would never have allowed a document to be filed stating my husband was not a fit parent. I just wouldn't have done that.

 

All I know is that I am just reeling from everything right now. I am so depressed and I just don't see a light at the end of this dark tunnel right now. After all he has done to me, I still care about him and wish he would have cared enough to get the help he needed, and we needed, to put our family back together. I wish just once he would show some feeling, act like he even cares, apologize for what he has done to our family, show some emotion. It is just like he is dead inside. I wish so much I didn't have to see him for a while, but I do. And it hurts so deeply.