Hope4thefuture Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 After the divorce I have been thinking a lot about the past, my mistakes, his mistakes. Mistakes such as miscommunication, fighting, and life getting in the way of our marriage. I would like to start getting past this and moving forward. How do you let go of the resentment and move on and forgive? And ultimately how do I forgive myself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thekid36 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 After the divorce I have been thinking a lot about the past, my mistakes, his mistakes. Mistakes such as miscommunication, fighting, and life getting in the way of our marriage. I would like to start getting past this and moving forward. How do you let go of the resentment and move on and forgive? And ultimately how do I forgive myself? Time is always a terrific healer. We cannot possibly change the past. Even though we may want to. Sounds simple but it is important to consider even still. The best way to move forward may be to take all of that as a positive. Not necessarily as a negative. It will make you much more observant now. Self-reflection is an important thing. Do not beat yourself up so much for your mistakes. Life is always an ongoing lesson. Any thoughts you give to him are only doomed to set you back. He is no longer your concern at all. Moving on means taking care of your own self. Cannot do this if you are stuck in the past. It does not necessarily excuse his mistakes. Just means that you choose to forgive them. It is what may be best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Accepting good or bad is a start. Once you realize your mistakes and understand what caused each one, whether or not it was part of your past, you can work on that for yourself. Having input good or bad from your ex, will allow you to see what you may have missed. Funny thing, is now that your ex's, communication seems easier. Like WTF, why couldn't we talk this way before. Well that may be later on, as things are too soon for the dust to settle. Some peeps hold on to the drama, and makes things too difficult to allow for reconciliation. Guys are difficult to poke through and get deep with. Many don't find opening up so easy. Only when they hurt enough and see no other way, then you'll hear them. No matter if it is a man or woman, if they feel they are not heard, anger will be the only means for communication. Maybe allowing for a cooling off period will be your first option. Since there is a lot going on, finding a calm point in your life will be your best medicine. Doing things that allow you to relieve stress helps. Sometimes opening up to a close friend (Same sex) to allow you to let some thoughts go, instead of lingering bubbling away. There is no quick and easy fix. Some find complete cut off and start with a clean slate to allow growth and healing. Others can redefine their relationship by friendship. One thing is clear the both of you have comfort in knowing what you both are like in a relationship. In a way your feelings are clinging on to the past. It will linger until you find that you can be strong and find inner peace. In time you will find happiness again. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 After the divorce I have been thinking a lot about the past, my mistakes, his mistakes. Mistakes such as miscommunication, fighting, and life getting in the way of our marriage. I would like to start getting past this and moving forward. How do you let go of the resentment and move on and forgive? And ultimately how do I forgive myself? Time. It will heal you and the upset, guilt will disappear as you gain perspective and understand the dynamic between the two of you more rationally. Time. Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 This is a great question. While my divorce isn't final I still find myself of quiet nights wondering what I did wrong in this 15 year marriage and it drives me nuts. I just keep telling myself I can't control what he does I can only control me. Easier said than done though. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 After the divorce I have been thinking a lot about the past, my mistakes, his mistakes. Mistakes such as miscommunication, fighting, and life getting in the way of our marriage. I would like to start getting past this and moving forward. How do you let go of the resentment and move on and forgive? And ultimately how do I forgive myself? Are you dating? You need to get back on the horse and re-engage with the opposite sex, if for no other reason than the opportunity to see yourself in a new light. Right now you're defined by an unsuccessful relationship with your ex. Different interactions - nothing heavy or serious needed - allow you to see the potential of a new you and I'll bet you'll conclude you're a good person with lots to offer the right person. Get out of the dark, stop looking back and start thinking "next" rather than "last". Keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 After the divorce I have been thinking a lot about the past, my mistakes, his mistakes. Mistakes such as miscommunication, fighting, and life getting in the way of our marriage. I would like to start getting past this and moving forward. How do you let go of the resentment and move on and forgive? And ultimately how do I forgive myself? Some advice from someone who was cheated on, went through a breakup, divorce and is moving on. I held a lot of anger at first but have learned to let it go. These steps helped for me hopefully they will for you My own personal opinion is you will only really forgive your ex and yourself .... when you are no longer in love with them, no longer thinking about them and no longer fixated on them. Once your emotional ties to them are gone - your mind and your heart will allow you to forgive and forget. You won't feel as betrayed ... because you no longer love them. So to forgive you cannot simply say it and make it be - you need to actually move on first. In terms of actions you can take to do this: Concentrate on yourself, set some personal goals for yourself, get fit, travel, learn something new, meet new people. Go on dates - seriously even if they are really bad this will help. Join a dating site or whatever just get out there again. It's amazing how if you get back that excited butterflys feeling about someone newit really helps erase the feelings your holding onto for your ex .... even if it doesn't work out and even if it doesn't last more then a few weeks. But I think the most important thing is your thinking: You need to understand that it is a choice to be sad - a choice to look back instead of forward. For some people that does not compute - they think those emotions are out of their control - but they are really not. Glass half full or half empty ? You need to consciously and deliberately switch your thinking from looking back at the things you cannot change and seeing this as a failure - to looking forward at the things you can change and seeing this as a new opportunity. I'm personally an optimist so maybe that comes naturally to me. I always have been and never really knew why - but through this process I think I came to understand. I’m an optimist because I know from my own past experiences that no matter how bad something is, no matter how devastating, I will find a way to go on. I will find a way to be happy again and I will learn and grow from the experience. It will make me a better person. I will become stronger from it. I am relatively lucky in that I have only had a small number of truly horrible things happen to me in my life - but looking back at those hard times now - I would not change any of them for the world. It's in the hard times that we really learn and grow the most. And in the end that to me is the essence of living. Growing from your experiences both the good or bad. While the things that happen to us in life are often completely out of our control. The way we let them shape us - the way we grow from them - is not. You get to choose every morning when you get out of bed whether to be bitter, sad, depressed and angry at yourself or your ex for what happened or you can chose to own your own mistakes, learn from them and then saddle back up and be better next time. No matter how bad you feel now I guarantee in 5 years if you take the later route to move forward you will look back at your break up and accept that it had to happen for you to get where you needed to be. You will forgive your ex - but no longer think about them. Most importantly you will be happy again. No matter how bad something is .... good will come from it if you chose to let it. Keep looking forward and let time work its magic 5 Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Wow that was some great advice Just! While I am far from over in this divorce I beat myself up too and you give some very good words of wisdom. I appreciate you sharing because I have a feeling I am going to read this over and over for awhile. I know I have a lot to learn from all of this but seeing what that is can be hard. Thanks again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thank you!! Some really great advice that definitely made me think. I tell myself over and over again that I will find happiness again. But I actually need to do something about it. Just hoping that I will move on isn't going to work. I began by trying to take care of myself. Eat right, exercise, stay busy, see friends, etc. However, I am having a hard time sticking to a goal. Then I get down on myself for not following though. I tend to have negative thoughts. Ever since I was young I think. But you are right, I choose how I want my day to be. I choose to make it a good day or a bad day. I will reread these comments often because they gave me hope tonight. I am responsible for how my life turns out. I will learn from the good and the bad experiences in my life, and I will be a better person because of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 (edited) You are both welcome – hope it helps. That is just a little bit of my own personal philosophy I try to live by. It applies to much more than just relationships. Also I have one more practical thing I can recommend you could try if you find you have trouble blocking out negative thoughts. I don't know how old you are and if you exercise or work out - but if you don't - you need to start. Nothing will get rid of feeling down quicker then exercise. Best depression cure hands down. When I have gone through some really tough times with a break up or just something else I'm struggling with - I will have a song that helps me move on or get past it. A happy song if you will. That sounds completely stupid but it works for me. I know when you first end a relationship you like to listen to those sad mopey songs so you can wallow in your own self pity - forget that now. I find one song that really just hits me and gets me in a positive mood. It’s normally something with a really good up tempo beat that just naturally puts you in a good space. Then I use that song to run or workout to. When I get to the point that I feel really good in my run or workout, I switch over to that song and then kick it up a gear. Just go as hard as I can and let the endorphin's start rushing. You start to associate the song with that uplifting feeling you get when you work out and are really pushing yourself. Then when you are having one of those bad days, feeling down, you get that song – just put it on repeat for however long you need. That feeling you get in the workout comes rushing back. You have literally trained your brain to just associate that song with feeling good. For me I hear it and just want to start running. Really good kill switch to reset your brain if you feel it wandering in dark places and you can use it at work, you can use it in the car, you can use it cooking dinner. When ever you need. This time the one I used was Coldplay – Every tear drop is a waterfall. The title sounds really sad but if you listen closely to the lyrics I think it mirrors a lot of what I said above. About finding the good from a bad situation. “Every tear drop is a waterfall”, “Every siren is a symphony”, “From underneath the rubble sing a rebel song “,"I'd rather be a comma then a full stop". And my favorite part “So You can hurt, hurt me bad …… but still I'll raise the flag”. You’re welcome to steal it and try it if you like. I just put it on so now I need to go for a run Edited September 18, 2014 by Justanaverageguy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I just joined a gym so I have been going every chance I get. When it's my weekends with my son I sometimes only can get there one night a week but I might ask family to watch my son so I can go more. I have really been listening to music and your right, it's all the sappy stuff. When I am at the gym though I do listen to the 80's I love that era! Thanks again Just... Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I just joined a gym so I have been going every chance I get. When it's my weekends with my son I sometimes only can get there one night a week but I might ask family to watch my son so I can go more. I have really been listening to music and your right, it's all the sappy stuff. When I am at the gym though I do listen to the 80's I love that era! Thanks again Just... Haha well just find something that you love that puts you in a good mood. Sure you will have no trouble finding something from the 80's. A nice power ballad should do the trick! Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Get spiritual about it. Get inspired. Read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Link to post Share on other sites
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