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Separated at 39 weeks pregnant.


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As some of you know my husband and I have been struggling with our relationship. He's got serious emotional/mental issues and is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I've left him before for two months and was deceived by him into coming "home". Instead I came home to find out he'd lied about the therapy he was getting, and that he had an affair (claims it was only online/text but I am still unsure). And STILL, I worked on rebuilding the marriage from the foundation up.

 

About 7 weeks ago he blew up at me in a huge way and I was ready to leave again. I gave him an ultimatum after we spent a few days apart: It was either he get into a program for abusive men and stay in it for at least a year, or I was done. Soon after he got a psych eval and they recommended an in-patient program for his PTSD, bipolar disorder, and depression. He has no health insurance so we looked into that first, and he ended up enlisting in an anger management program.

 

During this time we moved into our new home and things were really good. At first it was hard for me to trust him, but he was the man I fell in love with again, so it came naturally and honestly, I was so relieved to have him back I didn't question things. As it turned out, during the time we were separated only for a few days he was trolling craigslist for sex. I found the email addresses in his smartphone's contact list, but mysteriously all the emails were gone... He denied it of course, and I foolishly "let it slide" knowing that the majority of those personal ads are fake and he most likely didn't meet up and have sex with anyone.

 

Well, Monday and Tuesday night he gave himself permission to abuse me again. He smashed the bedroom door down as I was closing it to lock it, and smashed my phone after I took a photo of the door when I thought he'd left. He called my bluff by saying he wanted a divorce and had someone "ready to replace me" as soon as I left. Oh yes, and he demanded I leave HIS home. So, I did.

 

At 39 weeks pregnant and due any day I left. I am so heartbroken and angry!!! Who could do this to someone, let alone their very pregnant wife??? I never wanted this for my baby, or myself, or even for him.

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I'm sorry you're going through this :(

 

All you need to do right now is focus on yourself and the baby.

 

Who knows why people are the way they are. People can be irrational and have very skewed and illogical beliefs as remnants from their skewed childhoods and thought disorders. So many things don't make sense, especially if the person is mentally ill in some way.

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I'm sorry you're going through this :(

 

All you need to do right now is focus on yourself and the baby.

 

Who knows why people are the way they are. People can be irrational and have very skewed and illogical beliefs as remnants from their skewed childhoods and thought disorders. So many things don't make sense, especially if the person is mentally ill in some way.

Yeah, after the books I read on verbally/emotionally abusive men, this is the common theme.

 

My husband was severely abused as a very young child by his mother, then the father continued the abuse. I don't really care about the *why* though. Trying to understand why just made me sympathize with him in a very unhealthy way and just made me lose myself even further.

 

I was abused, yet I do not abuse. I will not continue that cycle with my innocent unborn child. **** that.

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One thing that helps me when going through a rough time is the idea of complete acceptance. I try not to fight what I'm going through, and spend time wishing it weren't that way. I try to accept that this is where I am and what is happening. Maybe it won't change anytime soon or ever, and I have to just march forward and deal with it. I think suffering can be the result of tormenting oneself by wishing things were different than they are.

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He is a cruel man, not just for abusing you (even when pregnant, hello??) and forcing you to be on your own in your condition, but also for letting you grow attached and in love with him in spite of all this. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be for you now. But try and see this as a chance to shine on your own, because what's ahead for you will be very difficult but you'll be all the more awesome and feel that way about yourself once you manage the challenge.

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Lernaean_Hydra
One thing that helps me when going through a rough time is the idea of complete acceptance. I try not to fight what I'm going through, and spend time wishing it weren't that way. I try to accept that this is where I am and what is happening. Maybe it won't change anytime soon or ever, and I have to just march forward and deal with it. I think suffering can be the result of tormenting oneself by wishing things were different than they are.

 

This is one of the most important things I have ever learned to do. Especially when it comes to things so far beyond our control that no amount of thought, worry or consideration can ever change or fix. It's not always easy to do because it seems so contrary to our nature which tells us to go over things and analyze until they start to make sense or a solution appears. To do otherwise can feel a lot like just rolling over but it isn't. It's ready acceptance of that which you cannot change so that you may focus all your enegry on that which you can.

 

I am so, so sorry you're going through this, not in the least because you're one of the people here on LS I have always admired but also because you're about to give birth...WTF kind of BS game is the universe playing when this is what you have to deal with when you're moments away from labor!?

 

No way in hell do you (or your unborn child) deserve to be saddled with a man this abusive and emotionally unstable; and as you know, it only gets worse from here. Still, that doesn't change the fact that you've been dealt a very s*t hand just now. I'm sending you hugs, good thoughts and every other form of positive energy I can think of. <3

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Hey candypants........i am almost lost for words.....doesnt happen all that often...its where i want to find exactly the right thing to say to make you feel better.....because what has happened to you ....speaks to my heart......

 

 

when I was pregnant with my first girl.......my partner didnt want her he was heavily into drugs at that time aroudn really bad people....who hated me.........he actually just didn't want me to have her.....and so when i told him i was pregnant......i got hit with abuse......pretty badly.......eh threatened me with a knife and that he would cut her out ...he was crazed....after just coming back from a hate on deb session with his mates......i looked at him.....and i said "do it then".....dont expect me to just sit here and let you do it.....he looked stunned for a minute....and it was like all the steam went out of him..i reckon he knew that if he tried i would kill him...i had lost a baby a few moths earlier...no one was taking my baby from me again........and then i said....you dont have to worry i am moving out i am going far away ....you dont have to have anything to do with me or my baby, ill never ask you for a cent......he started crying......he apologised, he wanted to come with me.....and get away from these mates of his.......and i agreed to try with a fresh start.........and we did really well..away from bad influences .......i went on to have two more girls...but the thing is with influence, it is every where....cant run from it..........

 

 

one thing i knew to do ....was to pray......and to follow my heart.....and i have always done that and in every way ..if i had left him that night...i wouldnt have two more girls that are mine.......i make it through rougher patches than that..it is not ever easy to go it alone candypants.......but he has to want to change and you have done right by you and your bub to be safe......

 

follow your heart candypants....pray ....and if you dont like to pray because you dont believe in that higher power.......ill pray for you to have a wonderful birth and a happy bub and to find happiness alone or back together.....hopefully if it is the latter he gets the help first that he needs to treat you right and himself..... because i do believe ill pray for you.....and positive thoughts ...i am vibing them to you...no matter where you are or what you do........i wish you well candy..my thoughts are with you..deb

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i am sorry that this happened to u,candy , i believe your families and friends will there for you ,at this tough moment..heyy, at least you got that cool , pregnant lady glow...

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You tried, you were there to help him. Because you love him. He threw it back. You have your daughter to put first. He needs to realize that soon there will be 3 and it cannot be all about him ever again. I hope he can see this because he stands to lose so much. Keep fighting Candy P.

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Someone who doesn't deserve a baby, obviously.

At least you tried. Feeling a bit sorry for the other woma/en, they have no idea what they're getting into.

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I am really sorry you are going through this at this very late stage of the pregnancy when the only thing you should have is peace and happy feelings..

U must just focus on this baby now and try to stay positive for him/her.

I wish you all the best Candy P you are about to become a mother and this is just wonderful :)

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Who could do this to someone, let alone their very pregnant wife???

There are words for him but they would incur much wrath from the moderators.

 

CP you need to look out for your baby now. Get the hell away from this guy and STAY away forever. Divorce, restraining order, support, the whole shebang.

 

SHOCK AND AWE

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Candy Pants I'm so sorry you have to deal with an abusive husband, especially when you're about to have your baby. Do you have a safe place you can go to of a friend or family member's?

 

Stay strong Candy Pants. Focus on your baby and yourself. You have friends here too. Remember that.

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Oh candy pants......from what I gather from your posts, you are a smart and strong ass ****ing woman and you'll do what's best for you and your baby.

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Candy,

 

I am so terribly sorry that you are dealing with this at what should be such a happy time in your life.

 

I hope very much you have a loving, and supportive family to help you get through this.

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Thanks everyone. There is no "hope" for reconciliation. Three strikes and he's out.

 

I am not dealing with anyone who is "normal" or "sane". He's a person who believes that women, as a whole, are lesser than men and only here to serve them. At first he hid that with chivalry and romance. He was very good at hiding his true self and only anchored his "dream woman" inside of me when I was fully in his grasp (I moved in, became pregnant, and we got married).

 

And as much as I wish things were different right now, I am trying to be realistic about things. This isn't a person who truly loves me. Maybe he doesn't know what love is, maybe he's simply incapable. Whatever the case, he's not someone I want in my life romantically.

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Thanks everyone. There is no "hope" for reconciliation. Three strikes and he's out.

 

I am not dealing with anyone who is "normal" or "sane". He's a person who believes that women, as a whole, are lesser than men and only here to serve them. At first he hid that with chivalry and romance. He was very good at hiding his true self and only anchored his "dream woman" inside of me when I was fully in his grasp (I moved in, became pregnant, and we got married).

 

And as much as I wish things were different right now, I am trying to be realistic about things. This isn't a person who truly loves me. Maybe he doesn't know what love is, maybe he's simply incapable. Whatever the case, he's not someone I want in my life romantically.

 

This is beyond sucky, C.

I'm glad to hear you're being realistic though.

Are you steeling yourself for the inevitable attempt to reel you back in?

If you need additional support, reach out to abuse support groups.

Having people who have "been there" makes all the difference.

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This is beyond sucky, C.

I'm glad to hear you're being realistic though.

Are you steeling yourself for the inevitable attempt to reel you back in?

If you need additional support, reach out to abuse support groups.

Having people who have "been there" makes all the difference.

Yeah I am trying to prepare myself for that moment. It doesn't "feel" like I need to though. The fact that he's done this to me when I am so close to giving birth made me lose all respect for him. While I do still love him, I don't like him as a person.

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he's not someone I want in my life romantically.

He's not someone you want in your life in any capacity. He's not someone your child wants in his/her life. If I were you I'd see a lawyer and find out what you can do to make sure he never gets access to the kid, especially unsupervised access. Most lawyers will do a free initial consultation so you lose nothing by finding out where you stand legally.

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He's not someone you want in your life in any capacity. He's not someone your child wants in his/her life. If I were you I'd see a lawyer and find out what you can do to make sure he never gets access to the kid, especially unsupervised access. Most lawyers will do a free initial consultation so you lose nothing by finding out where you stand legally.

I appreciate your opinion, but the last thing I (or anyone else in my position needs) is yet another person telling me what I should do. I will not take the baby completely away from her father.

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It's your decision of course but the father is a clear and present danger to the life and limb of your baby. He is violent and aggressive. He smashed the bedroom door and your phone. A baby's head is not so easily replaced.

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It's your decision of course but the father is a clear and present danger to the life and limb of your baby. He is violent and aggressive. He smashed the bedroom door and your phone. A baby's head is not so easily replaced.

Look, everything I say to defend my choice is only going to be "defending" him, which I am not interested in. I know what is best for myself, and my child. I will change things as need be.

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While I do still love him, I don't like him as a person.

 

Having read many of your previous posts, no one could accuse you of not trying or giving it your all. Keep your head up, you're obviously a strong person. Hoping for a smooth delivery and much friends and family support for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It's really terrible what you are going through Candy_Pants.

 

 

All I'm going to say is please ask yourself if you really want him to be involved in your child's life.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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