billy baru Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) Been a while since I posted my story, link is below for those who wish to read the whole sordid tale.. lol http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/480152-total-life-abandonment-ws My E ( eventually) TBXW and I have not been in any sort of contact with each other since early May, and things have been eerily calm. My 16 year old has a great chance of graduating early next year, and the 19 yo just got accepted into an honor society at his college. For all the crap that their mom threw at them earlier this spring, they're doing extraordinarily well. My daughter ran into her mom last night ( after not seeling her for 2 months, and having limited contact by text) and got this update: The WW and her AP are still living together, but her girlfriend moved out about a week ago to be with HER new boyfriend, deserting her dependent 19 year old daughter ( slightly handicapped) behind. WW and AP can't pay the bills on their own, so AP's (pregnant) sister, brother in law ( just got fired from his job), & toddler have moved into the trailer as well. WW's drinking has evidently continued as the daughter smelled alcohol on her last night. Now, the "weird" part of everything. WW has been in contact with an "old friend" from high school on Facebook recently, and he is paying for her to come out to CA and "visit him" for 4 days sometime in the next few weeks. He is also married with 2 little girls. According to WW, her AP and the "old friends" wife are "just fine" with all of this. When my daughter asked why the "old friend" was willing to pay for her vacation out there to see him, the reply was " well, he's ALWAYS been in love with me". Daughter looked her straight in the eye and said " so you're going to go desttoy another family, mom?" And walked away. So, why the title "eye of the hurricane"? Because, that's what I think my kids and I are in right now. The intense hurt and drama of the spring are over, & we're healing, but if the soap opera described above plays out the way I think it will, the other part of the storm will descend. I'm going to do my level best to shield my kids from as much of the crap as I can. Papers are drawn up for the D, and at lawyer's office ready to be served. The family trust stuff for the house that we're living in has been filed, and WW has been cut out of her inheritance, it all goes straight to my kids. WW is unaware of this as she hasn't spoken with her mom since early May. I need to make a choice on when to have her served. My lawyer is telling me to wait until daughter graduates ( next May), as he believes that WW would then try for custody, try to get "her" house back, and generally raise a huge stink. He's advising a "wait and see" approach. Not quite sure to take his advice, or just file and face the rest of the storm... Edited September 7, 2014 by billy baru added link Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 File - that gets YOU moving in a direction to be finished with her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 No matter what anyone says, your atty knows the laws for your locality, so please listen to your him or her. Opinions always help us with thought processes or confidences, but our attys are the ones who know how to steer us from accidentally making mis-steps that put our families or happiness in jeopardy. That said, I would be tempted to file (if everything was equal) but then, I'm waiting on mine myself since it's gotten complicated. It's tempting to make a hasty move, in our efforts to get away from unhealthy situations. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Inform yourself about the custody stuff. A woman reeking of alcohol and screwing married men across the continent can't possibly have a chance of getting custody?! Or perhaps try to get the judge to talk to your daughters who then have the option of telling him "no way, ever" themselves... Nonetheless, I'm afraid I'm no expert. Your attorney is however, and has your interests/goals in mind. ... I really hope the Californian idiot gets caught cheating though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author billy baru Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 My lawyer went through a pretty nasty divorce himself about 6 years ago, all the crap with custody, house, etc. He's feeling that since my ETBXW isn't remotely interested in being a parent, and she's no longer on the trust, just to let things "play out" for the time being. His thinking is if we file now, it might stir up a storm. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Been a while since I posted my story, link is below for those who wish to read the whole sordid tale.. lol http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/480152-total-life-abandonment-ws Read through your full story, tough one to take. I probably feel your pain a little more then others as I had some similar experiences earlier this year with my soon to be ex-wife. I'm younger and our relationship was shorter with no kids but there are a hell of a lot of parallels with the circumstances of the break up. Ex went full off the wall nuts similar to yours 5 months ago- I'm now finalizing the divorce so I do really come at this from a similar angle. I noticed someone recommended you read a book by Michelle Langley in the original thread. I found that book before joining the forum, and can I just say I strongly recommend you take the time to read it. You sound like you are a pretty well adjusted guy who has handled the situation well given the circumstances but I would still recommend you give it a read. It really helped me with understanding why my ex went so completely off the rails crazy and seemed to be behaving a completely illogical manner. Also really helped me with moving on. I'm sure it will help you if you haven't already read it. As for when you should file for divorce, as I feel like I have a bit of an idea whats going on with your wife and I am going through the same thing - its a tough one for me to answer. See women going through this process are not exactly rational - believe me I know. The thing is the "crazy" she is experiencing now does eventually wear off (read the book). It would not surprise me in the slightest if within the next 6 months she is back to normal and possibly even begging for you to take her back. But assuming you would still want to go ahead with the divorce even if she did come crawling back, you have to decide - Which is the better time to file for divorce ? Now when she is acting crazy and illogical or later when she is once again thinking rationally about things like money, house and custody of children ? In my case I found while my ex was stuck in "crazy land" I could get her to agree to pretty much anything I wanted with the divorce. I have been fair in the break up of assets and we didn't have children which made it easier .... but I'm pretty sure if I had waited till she snapped out of it - which she appears to be starting to doing now - she would not have been as accommodating. While they are "madly in love" with their new fling they are not concerned with things like money or as you have observed even their own children. Seem to just completely forget about the things they previously thought were important. Thus based on my own experience my initial leaning is to file as soon as possible. But I would say maybe your should feel her out on the divorce first. Find out what her reaction is and then make a decision. You may find she wants to just push it through ASAP so "she can be with her lover" and won't fight you on a lot of the things you assume she would. That was the case for me. Either way good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Listen to your lawyer; that's what you're paying him for and it sounds like he's thinking tactically which is exactly what you want. I'm a lawyer, though Thank God I don't do "family" law, and my policy is to throw monkey wrenches into situations that need to be shook up, and otherwise let my enemies destroy themselves or each other as long as they're not in my hair. Let your STBXW continue on her path of self-inflicted mayhem without any distractions from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author billy baru Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 Read through your full story, tough one to take. I probably feel your pain a little more then others as I had some similar experiences earlier this year with my soon to be ex-wife. I'm younger and our relationship was shorter with no kids but there are a hell of a lot of parallels with the circumstances of the break up. Ex went full off the wall nuts similar to yours 5 months ago- I'm now finalizing the divorce so I do really come at this from a similar angle. I'm sorry for what you're going through, man. With kids or not, it sucks. Sounds like you're moving forward! It would not surprise me in the slightest if within the next 6 months she is back to normal and possibly even begging for you to take her back. But assuming you would still want to go ahead with the divorce even if she did come crawling back... You assume correctly. First off, my ETBXW is too stubborn and too proud to come "crawling back". If she ever attempted to reconcile, her approach would be " OK, I made mistakes, but so did you, now let's go to counseling and try to work on things". She had her chance to save our marriage before she made the decision to abandon us. Now, the only choice for me is D. I'm really not sure that I want to "understand" why she went bat **** crazy. I'm a pretty black and white guy, you either cheat or you don't. She did, we're done. Hang in there, just. I know things will be much better after we are rid of the cheating spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author billy baru Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 Listen to your lawyer; that's what you're paying him for and it sounds like he's thinking tactically which is exactly what you want. Let your STBXW continue on her path of self-inflicted mayhem without any distractions from you. My lawyer used that exact term .."tactically", Gorilla. He said that time and patience are our allies right now. I appreciate you weighing in on this, Counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
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