Officially started the process of finding a D attorney

[YelloJane]

I am in the process of going through the divorce, my husband cut me off from the bank completely, he says he will wire me money but i don't believe him. I just want this to be over with. We have sent each other emails back and forth and am scared he might use it against me, i didn't insult him or anything but there was 1 email were i told him i will be on the effing street if he doesn't at least give me money to pay rent somewhere anywhere and i need money for food. I have no money, no car(he kept it), no anything, i am trying to look for a job but you know that does not happen overnight.

 

My husband is military and i am worried about getting him in trouble when they asked me about my living conditions and i told them he kicked me out of base housing which is the truth! But then i begin to realize he doesn't care if am living on the street or what horrible conditions i am in.

 

I just want the damn divorce to never ever ever see his face again in my life. He has hit me before, he hurt my dog, he has dragged me by the floor throwing me out of base housing, i have had a nervous break down so bad once from his abuse that i couldn't control my upper limbs from shaking it was so scary. Was it wrong for me to say he kicked me out and when they asked me about a joint account that he blocked me and took me out?

 

He doesn't care about ruining my life he only cares about himself, numerous times he said on the emails your going to get me in trouble at work when i asked him i need money for food and rent because i will end up in the street what does one thing have to do with another i never took out or emptied the bank account i would never do that he assumed i would so he constantly threatened me with your going to affect my job because he has to pay rent wtf what about me i am on the street pretty much. I don't have i swear not even 50 cents in my pocket! I don't have clothes either because he made me pack my things in 1 day so it takes at least 3 months to receive it at a family's house. I don't know what to do.

 

Am i wrong for saying this to the attorney's office? That he kicked me out and took me out of the joint bank account? I fear his superiors will cover for him he is a horrible person and i just want to be freed from him my situation can not get worse. Will telling the military attorney that kicked me out affect him i am scared in a way because i don't want trouble for him but they asked me my conditions and i told them what it was because i was so nervous and crying because i don't know what will happen to me it was not intentionally to hurt him, should i even care he doesn't care about my current sittuation.

Will he get in trouble or was i right in doing this? He left base housing rented a huge house out of base and is getting all the benefits of been married and in the mean time i am on the street. He didn't want to get divorced because he makes more money and he doesn't know am going through with the divorce. I don't care if i don't get anything from this divorce i just want to have no connection with this monster.

 

should i tell the attorney when they call me for the interview about how he kicked me out and how he made me pack everything in one day? I don't know how this works i am trully scared i fear it will be worse for me since his coworkers and superiors will protect him because they don't know what went on just his civil sweet professional face at work with good reputation. They just met him i have known him since i was 16.

 

please help what things do i need to have in consideration or should i say to the attorney when they call to have the appointment with me am scared i don't know how this works.

[Minnie09]

What are you scared of? You're out of the house. He cannot harm you any longer. You tell the attorney everything that happened. You do not protect your ex. That's not your job. You tell them the facts, and they will come up with something. If you don't have income, you'll get spousal support while the D is pending, and possibly once the D is final. Depending on how long you have been married, and based on income difference.

 

His superiors cannot protect him from anything at this point, especially not from a family judge. Judges decide based on the law, and that's it. There are formulas. Support is calulated, assets are divided. Done. You don't need to talk to your abusive douche of an ex ever again.

 

Try to get on your own feet. I understand you have no kids? Good - more time to go job hunting and building a life. And no contact necessary with the ex. Perfect.

[YelloJane]

If you don't have income, you'll get spousal support while the D is pending, and possibly once the D is final. Depending on how long you have been married, and based on income difference.

 

His superiors cannot protect him from anything at this point, especially not from a family judge. Judges decide based on the law, and that's it. There are formulas. Support is calulated, assets are divided. Done. You don't need to talk to your abusive douche of an ex ever again.

 

Try to get on your own feet. I understand you have no kids? Good - more time to go job hunting and building a life. And no contact necessary with the ex. Perfect.

 

That's correct no kids, just the dog he bought which i took him with me since he won't take care of him and i dont even have money to take care of the dog either but i wasn't going to leave the puppy with him. We don't have any assets other than my car which i payed myself while i worked before i got married but he kept that since i had a day to leave. We are going to be two years in a month married only. Will that still help anything? I am really broke im staying at family but they have already started asking that they need help financially because they themselves are in a tough financial situation, lost jobs etc..i can't leech off them either. He asked me to send him my old bank account information so that he will wire me the money because i am unstable and i will get him in trouble at work and that he isnt taking any chances. He acts so civil and responsible in these emails but in real life he wastes 80+ 90+ dollars on alcohol going out to restaurants paying for his coworkers tab when they go out drinking etc, and in the meantime i can't even buy an apple because i cant afford it.

 

He makes me sound like i am crazy or something i dont know if he does it on purpose and makes himself sound so civil in the emails. I didn't even respond to that email, i shouldn't right i should just let the divorce do the talking from now on even though i am super broke should i give him my bank information here so that he will wire me money? I dont know what to do though he took me out of the joint account that enough makes me not trust him at all.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Take a deep breath, and realize the truth will set you free. A good DA will work you through the process. Just explain the details and be confident, and if you get trouble from him, you can have him contact your attorney directly, and if he is near by for some reason, a restraining order will come in handy.

 

It is best to make sure your car is in an area that is safe. I personally seen what a ex situation can be like. You don't need him following you or damaging your property.

 

Wish the best of luck, glad to see you make progress.

[YelloJane]

Take a deep breath, and realize the truth will set you free. A good DA will work you through the process. Just explain the details and be confident, and if you get trouble from him, you can have him contact your attorney directly, and if he is near by for some reason, a restraining order will come in handy.

 

It is best to make sure your car is in an area that is safe. I personally seen what a ex situation can be like. You don't need him following you or damaging your property.

 

Wish the best of luck, glad to see you make progress.

 

Unfortunately, we live worlds apart there is nothing i can do to stop him from damaging my property since he has the car. I just fear and part of me still worries about what he thinks and how he will react upon finding out that i did in fact say he kicked me out. I just don't want this divorce to be nasty and war-like, i want it to be over with and i was nervous when they asked me and i said he kicked me out which he did i only had one day to pack what i could of my belongings. Was i wrong?

[jakrbbt]

You know you were not wrong. You told your own attorney-- who needs to know everything relevant, or else his hands are tied and you're wasting your time and money-- the truth about something very relevant that happened. If that causes divorce to be war-like, then nothing-- nothing-- was going to stop it from being warlike. But before you get all nervous about what I just said, know that I don't see any way that this divorce can be even one tenth as war-like as living with the guy. Especially with no children in the picture, there is very little he can do to you now that you are divorcing. Sure, he can try to avoid giving you spousal support, keep your half of the stuff, even ruin your stuff. It doesn't feel like it now because you are unemployed, but you can get new stuff. You can. I'd give all my wordly belongings away in a heartbeat if it meant extracating myself from an abuser. You have no reason to feel nervous about what you are doing. Your job is to tell your lawyer the pertinent facts, make sure it's the truth, and get a job, and be free from harmful abusive man for good. Eyes on the prize: Your long-term future. Good luck, stay strong, you can do this. You were not wrong, at all.

[YelloJane]

You know you were not wrong. You told your own attorney-- who needs to know everything relevant, or else his hands are tied and you're wasting your time and money-- the truth about something very relevant that happened. If that causes divorce to be war-like, then nothing-- nothing-- was going to stop it from being warlike. But before you get all nervous about what I just said, know that I don't see any way that this divorce can be even one tenth as war-like as living with the guy. Especially with no children in the picture, there is very little he can do to you now that you are divorcing. Sure, he can try to avoid giving you spousal support, keep your half of the stuff, even ruin your stuff. It doesn't feel like it now because you are unemployed, but you can get new stuff. You can. I'd give all my wordly belongings away in a heartbeat if it meant extracating myself from an abuser. You have no reason to feel nervous about what you are doing. Your job is to tell your lawyer the pertinent facts, make sure it's the truth, and get a job, and be free from harmful abusive man for good. Eyes on the prize: Your long-term future. Good luck, stay strong, you can do this. You were not wrong, at all.

 

Thank you jakrbbt, the thing is the attorney i am seeing is a military attorney which i still hold benefits so it is free of charge to me so i am taking advantage of that at least to get the divorce, i worry this will be worse for me in case the attorney communicates with his superiors etc and i am just so nervous, but your right worst it can not get, i already dont have a dime at this point i don't care if i don't get a dime from him either i dont want anything just my car back for which i fully paid for on my own before marriage and am in dire need of transportation since i cant move around to look for a job. Thank you this is a very nerve wrecking experience and i am scared and do not know what to expect and it scares me i am very worried, my husband has no clue am doing all this divorce process, i shouldn't tell him either right? He would be furious and try to act on his behalf to ruin me even more by covering his acts.

[d0nnivain]

What you say to the attorney is protected by the attorney client privilege. Tell that person the absolute truth then talk about what will & won't be publically disclosed.

[jakrbbt]

Donnivain is right. And ask your attorney about confidentiality. Just ask whether everything you tell him is confidential and whether he could ask you before disclosing things to the other side. It sounds like even some things that may help your case, are things you fear your husband finding out that you disclosed them to a lawyer. Normally a lawyer would go ahead and disclose facts that would help a client's case. So, talk to the lawyer about that. If something you say to him is a secret that you feel would harm you personally, even if it would help you in the divorce case, then tell him that. Though I do wonder whether you have been cowed by your bully husband into overly fearing his wrath. But you know him better than I do, so if you believe he would harm you or retaliate based on something you are disclosing to lawyer, tell that to the lawyer. Be very clear about it. Lawyers cannot disclose "secrets" their client told them unless very limited circumstances apply (such as the secret is about a crime that the person is going to commit and harm someone). but sometimes, the lawyer would not know that you consider a piece of information a "secret." Instead, they might see it as something good that they are supposed to use in order to help your case. So tell him when your information is actually something you'd like secret, and talk to him about whether to disclose it.

[YelloJane]

Donnivain is right. And ask your attorney about confidentiality. so if you believe he would harm you or retaliate based on something you are disclosing to lawyer, tell that to the lawyer. Be very clear about it. Lawyers cannot disclose "secrets" their client told them unless very limited circumstances apply (such as the secret is about a crime that the person is going to commit and harm someone). but sometimes, the lawyer would not know that you consider a piece of information a "secret." Instead, they might see it as something good that they are supposed to use in order to help your case. So tell him when your information is actually something you'd like secret, and talk to him about whether to disclose it.

 

Glad you cleared this out for me as I did not know about this, i pretty much don't know anything about a divorce other than it can be a nasty warlike experience. I don't want to say something about my situation and him finding out and then in return say lies about me and make this more difficult than it has to be and so it begins. When i meet with the attorney i will explain very clear the situation as well as i do not want to hurt his career either or affect his job i just want out i just want the divorce. He asked me for my old account information to wire me money again but i didnt respond he already took me out of the bank account and i just hate begging but i fear he will use this against me that he offered to help me financially it is all a show he is so horrible and plays good guy in front of others yet tossed me around like a ragged doll behind closed doors that is why i don't want to make things worse if they disclose that he kicked me out he would be furious and make lies to retaliate that is what i am afraid off and make things worse. Sometimes loosing you win, and i rather go down quietly i thought i hit rock bottom but i am officially on the bottom, i have absolutely nothing but i don't want to ask for financial support because i honestly do not want him to talk crap about how i am after his money which i am not i just can't even buy food i am literaly asking family and i feel horrible they dont even have a dime to support me.

Edited September 7, 2014 by YelloJane

[TheBladeRunner]

Glad you cleared this out for me as I did not know about this, i pretty much don't know anything about a divorce other than it can be a nasty warlike experience. I don't want to say something about my situation and him finding out and then in return say lies about me and make this more difficult than it has to be and so it begins. When i meet with the attorney i will explain very clear the situation as well as i do not want to hurt his career either or affect his job i just want out i just want the divorce. He asked me for my old account information to wire me money again but i didnt respond he already took me out of the bank account and i just hate begging but i fear he will use this against me that he offered to help me financially it is all a show he is so horrible and plays good guy in front of others yet tossed me around like a ragged doll behind closed doors that is why i don't want to make things worse if they disclose that he kicked me out he would be furious and make lies to retaliate that is what i am afraid off and make things worse. Sometimes loosing you win, and i rather go down quietly i thought i hit rock bottom but i am officially on the bottom, i have absolutely nothing but i don't want to ask for financial support because i honestly do not want him to talk crap about how i am after his money which i am not i just can't even buy food i am literaly asking family and i feel horrible they dont even have a dime to support me.

 

It doesn't have to be, but in so many cases it is. My divorce was fairly amicable, but I have friends that are STILL at each others throats 4 years after the "nasty" D. I hope things work out well for you, it may not seem like ti now, but you are going to be OK! As far as the money goes, please take my advice and get what you are entitled too. Who cares if he talks crap.

[YelloJane]

I hope things work out well for you, it may not seem like ti now, but you are going to be OK! As far as the money goes, please take my advice and get what you are entitled too. Who cares if he talks crap.

Thank you bladerunner, honestly i was thinking about what you said about to get what i am entitled and you are right i at least want my car back to move around and i do need financial support, i was thinking and he can not talk crap because he knows very well my financial situation is his fault because i had a job and school and a future and i had to leave it all. The least he can do is help me out until i find a job and i rather have attorney involved rather then rely on his word for it, i want the divorce to hopefully mean business instead of when he feels like it or IF he feels like it. I need to get on my own two feet again because i lost everything because of him. It is so strange it has only been a few weeks since i left and i feel free, happy in a strange way its as though even though the divorce is not easy i feel like now i can start over as though a huge rock was lifted off my back and now i can choose a better life better options and be just more selfish about what i want out of life. I feel like i can do anything now be whatever instead of faking it at stupid squadron events with stupid fake people who talk crap about everyone behind their back.

 

For the first time i am excited about getting this divorce over with because I guess its finally going to free me from my husband and his toxic family for life since we have no kids etc. and i accept it and embrace it. Its been 9 years too long, i have been dealing with him since i was 16 and i am ready to move on because no matter how painful it is and how much it hurts i am okay with all of this because even though am dirt poor and on the floor i still won by not having him in my life because i am working on picking myself up and when i do i will be okay we all always are eventually it just takes time.

I gave him everything literally everything my whole life did as he wanted always and that kills me that i was so damn stupid. I have my ups and downs and at times some days are harder than others and it just hurts how he treated me, he treated me worse than a person who cheats and their husband holds no remorse, i didn't deserve any of it. But i take it as life experience and it opened my eyes to never accept disrespect from any relationship.

 

I feel this way thanks to the great advice on here, honestly i wouldnt be half this strong if it wasn't for the advice on LS.

[DKT3]

So you cheated on your husband the entire marriage and now you want him to pay your way after he threw you out?

[Tayken]

So you cheated on your husband the entire marriage and now you want him to pay your way after he threw you out?

 

More common than you know. A female friend told me last month that two of colleagues who are married currently have BFs they see twice a week after work for a little rump and date before they go home to their husbands

 

There are many people like this stuck in dead relationships, and just continue to portray a false facade' to their friends and family, by staying together because of financial risks, the kids etc

 

I won't advice anybody to do this, but instead end it as soon as you don't feel it anymore.

[DKT3]

More common than you know. A female friend told me last month that two of colleagues who are married currently have BFs they see twice a week after work for a little rump and date before they go home to their husbands

 

There are many people like this stuck in dead relationships, and just continue to portray a false facade' to their friends and family, by staying together because of financial risks, the kids etc

 

I won't advice anybody to do this, but instead end it as soon as you don't feel it anymore.

 

Sadly in this situation, I bet she really believe she gave her husband "everything". Everything except staying faithful and being honest. Gosh what man wants that? I mean he puts his life on the line for his country while she runs a round with another guy, now she comes here and wants us to feel sorry for her.

 

OP just move on with your OM, stop begging to be taken care of, you made the mess so put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

[Tayla]

Have the lawyer deal with the communication side.

Sign the divorce papers.

Support yourself.

Be friends, make friends.

Be independent.

Dating needs to be put on hold. You aren't near ready for it.

[DKT3]

More common than you know. A female friend told me last month that two of colleagues who are married currently have BFs they see twice a week after work for a little rump and date before they go home to their husbands

 

There are many people like this stuck in dead relationships, and just continue to portray a false facade' to their friends and family, by staying together because of financial risks, the kids etc

 

I won't advice anybody to do this, but instead end it as soon as you don't feel it anymore.

 

Have the lawyer deal with the communication side.

Sign the divorce papers.

Support yourself.

Be friends, make friends.

Be independent.

Dating needs to be put on hold. You aren't near ready for it.

 

I agree, except she has been dating her entire marriage so she is pretty good there already.

[YelloJane]

So you cheated on your husband the entire marriage and now you want him to pay your way after he threw you out?

 

I never ever ever cheated on my husband, there was no cheating involved on either side, where did you even get this from, i said he TREATED me WORSE than someone who WOULD cheat!

 

I was always faithful to my husband more than 1000% of the time, never once cheated never would. Please read properly before posting accusations without knowing. There was never ever cheating involved.

[YelloJane]

More common than you know. A female friend told me last month that two of colleagues who are married currently have BFs they see twice a week after work for a little rump and date before they go home to their husbands

 

There are many people like this stuck in dead relationships, and just continue to portray a false facade' to their friends and family, by staying together because of financial risks, the kids etc

 

I won't advice anybody to do this, but instead end it as soon as you don't feel it anymore.

 

There was never cheating involved what are you guys talking about!

[YelloJane]

Sadly in this situation, I bet she really believe she gave her husband "everything". Everything except staying faithful and being honest. Gosh what man wants that? I mean he puts his life on the line for his country while she runs a round with another guy, now she comes here and wants us to feel sorry for her.

 

OP just move on with your OM, stop begging to be taken care of, you made the mess so put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

 

There is no OM there never was! Accusing someone of cheating is a horrible thing to say I never did that what are you talking about did you even read my posts at all, he doesn't put his life on the line he sits in front of a desk monday to friday from 9 to 5 please inform yourself. There are thousands of different jobs in the military not everyone is up front in a battlefield with a machine gun. HE FKNG BEATS ME THATS WHY I AM DIVORCING HIS A**** he threw me out after i told him is over!! Yet he does not want to divorce because he gets a nice big check for been married! But i dont care i want OUT, even if i dont get anything i said i just want my car, i dont want crap from him only my car which i paid for while i was working. Did you even read that i only been with one man and only dated on man since i was 16 and he ended up been my now husband? I never once mentioned cheating.

 

did you even read my posts obviously not.

Edited September 8, 2014 by YelloJane

[YelloJane]

I agree, except she has been dating her entire marriage so she is pretty good there already.

 

that's a horrible and a very rude thing to say where did you even get this idea from? Please read properly before posting.

[DKT3]

Cheating goes beyond having sex, in your other thread here you speak of several other men you've become involved with emotionally and even some hand holding and kissing.

 

You've spoke of not being able to shake the feeling of wanting other men to love you. All of this is taking away from the relationship with your husband and thus cheating.

[DKT3]

Not having said those things in this thread doesn't make them go away.

 

Your here playing the role of victim, when within your own words here you have been far less then an ideal wife.

 

Nothing about your situation is your husbands fault, your an adult who makes her own decisions. You could have had a job.

 

Take care of yourself, you have no kids so he has no need to give you money. You are an equal partner so go be equal.

[YelloJane]

Not having said those things in this thread doesn't make them go away.

 

Your here playing the role of victim, when within your own words here you have been far less then an ideal wife.

 

Nothing about your situation is your husbands fault, your an adult who makes her own decisions. You could have had a job.

 

Take care of yourself, you have no kids so he has no need to give you money. You are an equal partner so go be equal.

 

 

First off i am not playing victim i am stating the facts that i had to leave my job because of him i have no problem working been doing it since i was 15, second of i dont want his money i want my car, third off i only mentioned one person BEFORE i ever was with my husband and how we didnt even kiss or hold hands and how he was kind to me unlike my husband, second after me and my husband separated and are divorcing i wrote about how i met someone in a non relationship and in no way was i trying to be with him, just as a friend since i have no one and since i didnt even kiss him or do anything with him communication stopped.

 

I am no victim, i married my husband at my own will.

[TheBladeRunner]

Thank you bladerunner, honestly i was thinking about what you said about to get what i am entitled and you are right i at least want my car back to move around and i do need financial support, i was thinking and he can not talk crap because he knows very well my financial situation is his fault because i had a job and school and a future and i had to leave it all. The least he can do is help me out until i find a job and i rather have attorney involved rather then rely on his word for it, i want the divorce to hopefully mean business instead of when he feels like it or IF he feels like it. I need to get on my own two feet again because i lost everything because of him. It is so strange it has only been a few weeks since i left and i feel free, happy in a strange way its as though even though the divorce is not easy i feel like now i can start over as though a huge rock was lifted off my back and now i can choose a better life better options and be just more selfish about what i want out of life. I feel like i can do anything now be whatever instead of faking it at stupid squadron events with stupid fake people who talk crap about everyone behind their back.

 

For the first time i am excited about getting this divorce over with because I guess its finally going to free me from my husband and his toxic family for life since we have no kids etc. and i accept it and embrace it. Its been 9 years too long, i have been dealing with him since i was 16 and i am ready to move on because no matter how painful it is and how much it hurts i am okay with all of this because even though am dirt poor and on the floor i still won by not having him in my life because i am working on picking myself up and when i do i will be okay we all always are eventually it just takes time.

I gave him everything literally everything my whole life did as he wanted always and that kills me that i was so damn stupid. I have my ups and downs and at times some days are harder than others and it just hurts how he treated me, he treated me worse than a person who cheats and their husband holds no remorse, i didn't deserve any of it. But i take it as life experience and it opened my eyes to never accept disrespect from any relationship.

 

I feel this way thanks to the great advice on here, honestly i wouldnt be half this strong if it wasn't for the advice on LS.

 

Good deal Jane! The biggest mistake I made in my first D was I let her keep everything....it was so stupid. Like I said, my last marriage ended amicably but I was not walking away empty handed as we had a child and well.....it's expensive.