Considering Leaving Lazy Hypochondriac Wife

[Ron103]

Many of you probably already read my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/491359-moocher-good-housewife where I described what's going on in my marriage.

 

I think I've finally come to the point where I want to separate, which is interesting because she has been pretty chill and affectionate the past 2 days. It's just the accumulation of everything since we got married, and before, and our fight this past weekend. I know it will happen again.

 

Anyway, so I'm looking for is advice on getting prepared. This past weekend she wouldn't let me have the phone or the keys for a while and even swung punches at me. She apologized later, but I know that things like this will happen when I break the news from her. We have 2 sets of keys, so I'm good there. We only have one phone and we are currently borrowing a car from someone at church while they are gone for the next 2 weeks. I need to figure out about the car, but I'm planning on going to the AT&T store to add a line so that we both have phones since it's only $15 extra a month, but I'll have to try to find a cheap phone. I got all the phone numbers off our phone and have them saved online. I know that I need to get my birth certificate and any other important documents out of her locked box.

 

I'm trying to think of what else I need to do, what precautions I need to take.

[Blunana81]

Definitely get the essentials in your possession without her knowing about it. Send her out for ice cream if you have to! SS Card, birth certificate, open YOUR OWN checking or savings account without her name on it and do NOT tell her about it. You might want a secondary place to stay, just in case things get ugly. Got a friend you can stay with ? additionally, staying in the same house whist divorcing her will just set you up for more opportunities for her to either fight with you or try and convince you to have a change of heart. I would not recommend moving out over a period of time, rather, grab what you really want /need and go. This might be the best opportunity to "de-clutter" your life, her included. I'm sorry you're going through this, thank God you two don't have kids.

[CarrieT]

This past weekend she wouldn't let me have the phone or the keys for a while and even swung punches at me.

Okay, Ron - this is now getting scary.

 

I would heartily recommend you acquire a Voice-Activated Recorder and (I am sorry to say this) secretly record your interactions with her in this regard.

 

There may come to a point where you will need documentation to confirm the fact that she is becoming violent. This is nothing you could use legally, but you might need it to share with her friends and family to back-up any arguments you will face from them on why you have come to this decision. Starting keeping a log of the problems; dates or days when she becomes violent or when there are fights. Document EVERYTHING, even if it seems pointless. Start a diary...

 

As far as your household contents are concerned, please keep in mind that it is just "stuff." Your sanity and well-being is far more important than tangible items. Take this from someone who had to walk away from a relationship with practically nothing. Because you have been struggling financially, it may seem important now, but in the grand scheme of things, furniture and kitchen items or clothes are just things.

 

Opening another bank account is a good idea. She might have a joint account frozen. What Blunana81 said about your legal documents: Get your birth certificate, marriage license, SS card, etc. in a secure place as soon as possible. Can you get those things and mail them to your parents or something? Same with any childhood mementos that are important...

 

Do you have some close friends? Get them lined up for potential couches to crash on, if needed. And know that we are here for you.

[bathtub-row]

First of all, while it's always sad to see a marriage end, I'm very glad to know you have made this decision. It is the right thing to do. If you stay with this woman, you'll have a lifetime of misery. Count your lucky stars that you don't have any kids with her and you can break free completely.

 

You should get your phone on a separate account that's in your name only. Don't tie anything to her from this point on. The other post about opening a separate checking account was a great idea too. You can open most of them with only $25. Depending on the laws in your state, she could still be legally entitled to half that money, but the point is, she won't have access to that account and won't be able to create complete havoc on your life. The day you decide to announce you're leaving, if you guys have a joint account, you might want to withdraw half the funds from it, deposit it into your personal account, and then tell her. If you get a debit card or checks with your new account, make sure she doesn't find these. If you have an office, leave all that stuff there in a file.

 

Start talking to attorneys. Most of them offer a free consultation. They can give you good advice as to how to move forward. Just be sure to remove her from anything that you don't want her to have control over. Change all your passwords and create something brand new that she'd never guess.

 

You do know that once you tell her it's over, you'll need to have a place to go to. You're not going to be able to stay where you are. She will either be completely nuts or she'll try to seduce you in order to get pregnant. Or she'll do both. Hopefully there's somewhere you can go, or maybe you can get your own place.

 

Best wishes. You're doing the right thing. Keep us posted.

[Ron103]

I opened another bank account. So, that part is done.

 

Today I feel sick about it all. She has been very nice since Sunday, and this isn't an uncommon pattern. She acts crazy for a few days, we get into a fight, she goes ballistic, then a few days later she is really sweet. I see that she is actually trying though. She went down to my University and went to the Career Center and asked them about spring enrollment, minimum GPA required, and everything she needs to apply for Spring Semester. The undergrad program here is really easy to get in to, so I wouldn't doubt if she got accepted even after flunking her last 2 semesters, since she did quite well her first 2 semesters of tech-school/community college. She said, "I know what you are thinking, but I already talked to them about GPA and they think that I should be ok." Actually, I wasn't thinking about that at all, I was thinking about the cost. I just bought my books and we literally have no money in the bank. I have a job lined up on Sunday that I can make about $300 on, which may have to hold us over for the rest of the month. It may not be enough to get another phone. If we continue to be in this situation I have no idea how we'd pay for school. I don't know if she has applied anywhere other than Starbucks still, but she did go in and talk to their manager and he said that they are probably having 1 more spot open up and that he may call her in for an interview by the end of the week. Even if she's working part time college is expensive, even here which is probably the cheapest state in the US to go to school in. I told her that I couldn't fault her in wanting to complete her education and that it was a good thing, but I just didn't think we'd have the money. She said that she believes that God will provide.

 

This is when I told her that I wasn't sure that I believed the Bible was 100% accurate anymore. I provided the examples of prophecies against Tyre and Damascus that they would be raised to the ground and no one would ever live there, and that those cities are still there. Or the example of the King who was told he'd die peacefully but then in another book of the Bible you see that he has his sons murdered before his eyes, his eyes plucked out, and then he dies in prison in Assyria or Babylon or wherever. I also mentioned how Paul says that "we who are still alive" will see Christ's return and yet Paul died. Then she asked me what I thought the whole point of life was, which I thought was irrelevant. I told her that it would still be to serve God, since after all I'm not an atheist and I'm not even an agnostic technically. She followed up with talking about Jesus said that whoever divorces his wife commits adultery. I saw that she was catching on to me at this point. I told her that the Old Testament allowed for divorce and that the new testament disagrees over whether or not being married is a good thing or if it's better to be single. She said that she was mine, and then she said Mrs and my name, no matter what and that even if I cheated on her a thousand times she'd still be mine.

 

I just feel like complete ****. I didn't say that we were separating, but I am starting to take the necessary steps. I'm talking with the on campus counselor again on Tuesday. I have to admit that I'm a little bit afraid. Marriage has sucked from the beginning, but she has actually gotten better from last year. The violence thing is about every other month, it may have been more often last summer. Not to say that I think she is perfectly sane, but there is something somewhere deep within me that thinks maybe I love her like that, and that she's mine, and all those things you hope and dream, but then I think honestly it was fake from the beginning. I'm also afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of doing something stupid like having anonymous sex or hooking up with an old friend if we separate just because I'm hundreds of miles from home and just sick of being poor and alone. It takes strength to balance work and school and still good straight As and take care of home life. I'm good at that. I don't know if I'm so good at being alone, which is probably one reason why I got married despite most of our good experiences being over the phone/long distance and not in person while dating.

[denise_xo]

She said that she believes that God will provide

 

I think this just proves that she still is completely out of touch with reality. Taking on more education (i.e. expenses) is, from what I can work out from your other thread, the last thing you need right now. If she had applied for ten jobs instead, perhaps her 'change' would be worth more. But I don't really see any substantial difference from prior to your recent argument. I don't think she has really taken in what the issues are in your marriage.

 

I'm also afraid of being alone.

 

Everyone is afraid of that, especially after having been in a relationship for a long time. But you adapt. Yes, there will probably be times when you feel lonely or down, but you will find ways of dealing with it, and it will pass. You will find ways of socialising and maybe also, somewhere down the line, meet a new partner. Staying in a defunct marriage due to that sort of fear isn't healthy for you, or for your marriage.

Edited September 5, 2014 by denise_xo

[Toodaloo]

Ron - being alone is nothing to be afraid of.

 

Its actually rather liberating. You get to find yourself again and do all the things that you forgot you enjoyed so much.

 

Being single/ on your own after being in an unhappy relationship of any sort is like having the cage door thrown open. You just have to be brave enough to step through.

[scatterd]

Honestly I think people give up to easy now days when it comes to marriage. Marriage is not always smooth and it takes work. Bitterness is something that can be over come but it takes understanding and forgiveness. Both of you need counseling and if you give up the first time so early in marriage it can be even easier the next marriage. Your wife may be acting out due to her own hurt feelings as she can be frustrated due to money also. I would really think this out and let her know how you are feeling. Being secretive is not a good thing if you want out you really should let her know. You are not giving her the knowledge to know how serious you are about this. If you told her she may try to make an effort to change. Getting through the rough times together is what makes a marriage grow. You both are still getting use to each other if you could make it through this you may be glad you did. Divorce should be the last option not the first. I hope you find happiness in what ever you decide Good Luck.

[Ron103]

Honestly I think people give up to easy now days when it comes to marriage. Marriage is not always smooth and it takes work. Bitterness is something that can be over come but it takes understanding and forgiveness. Both of you need counseling and if you give up the first time so early in marriage it can be even easier the next marriage. Your wife may be acting out due to her own hurt feelings as she can be frustrated due to money also. I would really think this out and let her know how you are feeling. Being secretive is not a good thing if you want out you really should let her know. You are not giving her the knowledge to know how serious you are about this. If you told her she may try to make an effort to change. Getting through the rough times together is what makes a marriage grow. You both are still getting use to each other if you could make it through this you may be glad you did. Divorce should be the last option not the first. I hope you find happiness in what ever you decide Good Luck.

 

I told her how serious it was. She has been out applying to multiple jobs. That doesn't mean I will stay. I am giving it some time, and I explained that if she didn't have a plan and a way to actually pay for going back to school next semester that we won't do it. Of course, I may not be around at that point, she knows. As for this being the first choice. No, I have regretted being married most of the past 17 months and we went to counseling last year. It's not really the first choice.

 

She said that she says extreme things she doesn't mean because her mom wasn't there emotionally and her dad just wasn't there growing up, and it was the only way to get attention around the house. This may be true, but you have to grow up at some point, and I told her that. She's trying to be really nice, but I did explain that I was oh so close to telling her goodbye last weekend and that it could come to that again if things don't change.

 

At this point it's easy to cuddle, not so easy to have sex. Being married has shown me that desire is not all about how pretty someone is or being in a relationship, it's a lot more complex and deep than that. I think desire, and this can also create deeper feelings of affection, a lot of times has to do with how much you admire a person, or how lucky you feel to be with them. In past relationships things like work ethic and intelligence really turned me on, even if they weren't as pretty as my wife. In this case when she acts like a child and throws a temper tantrum it's a huge turn off, even if she's open to having sex 7 days a week (in the past it was probably like 7x a week, but after the most recent fighting it's probably about 5). I know some of you are thinking "damn, lucky!" but I could be saying the same about those of you in relationships where your partner puts forth effort. The kind of sexual angst that I have is almost adolescent in nature, where you are angry and you do want sex, but you aren't fulfilled. So, I do want sex as much as my wife, I would love sex every single day, but I just really don't want to kiss her or do things to her most of the time honestly because I think I see her as a child or as an emotional wreck. I'm sure most of you figured this out about sex a long time ago, but it's interesting to me how complex this is. When we were dating I thought wow, she's really pretty, and she says she wants to have sex every day when she's married, that's a huge plus; and it is, but if chemistry is wack or if you are a little kinky and she's overboard vanilla you need work, and if there's no underlying respect or admiration (I know she does truly admire me but it's not reciprocated) you really need work. We still have sex like 5x a week, but a lot of the time I'm not thinking of her or I'm just doing it because I want sex or I want to feel close or I want to feel something. I can think of maybe 4x in our marriage that we've had sex because I've truly desired my wife, and that's pretty ****ed up.

[Mirages]

and this isn't an uncommon pattern. She acts crazy for a few days, we get into a fight, she goes ballistic, then a few days later she is really sweet.

 

Mine certainly had this pattern, go nuts just enough to get me to leave, then back it when if "The reactor," = me, was beginning to look like Chernobyl. And she is bringing God in to the conversation to potentially bully you.

 

I did it, it turned out for the better, might seem uncertain for a while, if you feel that way read the Exodus, they didn't exactly have confidence either...

 

I will be brief on the biblical references, as we could debate extensively, but... Deuteronomy 24 speaks of divorce in the OT, clear, no problem. In the NT it seems that it is allowed only for the Greek word "porneia." Now define that word, hmm. glancing at any pleasant lady at the deli, yes... Matt 5:28 establishes this. Everyone (most) is guilty of porneia, which is often rendered as "Adultery." Therefore according to Matt 19:9, (virtually) everybody is theoretically divorceable. I am comfortable defining my (and your) divorce as a sinful, forgiveable calamity. But if we want to play lawyer with the Greek, we can also consider the perspective I just offered above.

 

I hope that helps. The debate might be better handled in your head, not with her. One piece of advice, anything you say, do, claim to believe, can be recorded and used against you. Carefully select words and presentation, and you will be better off. Carefully speak with friends who are yours; certain mutual friends did turn on me when they became upset in believing I was creating an intellectual thunderstorm for the wife (making decisions based on complex logic rather than feelings), actually ended up as court witnesses for her for who knows what reason. My friends from work, who were MINE, maintained respect.

[Ron103]

I started a blog to help me out and I'm meeting with the counselor again on Tuesday. I also made another set of keys.

 

Last night she told me that we were one in God's eyes and that divorce was not an option. I told her that I thought it was ironic that she threw the word around so casually before but now wants to take a stand against it just as I've warmed up to the idea. She gave me a lecture about all various sorts of things regarding commitment and how could I divorce her for being uneducated but also said that she would work to do everything she could to be better for me.

 

I'm utterly exhausted. She completely changes her tune about things now that I'm actually serious about possibly separating. It's not that I want to part due to her education, or lack thereof, but I'm tired of her hypochondria, lack of work ethic, and fighting all the time. But we are also on two completely different worlds when it comes to education. She asked for an example and I asked her which party was liberal, the democrats or republicans. She had no idea. Recently she's asked questions like, "why do doctors get paid so much?" to which I answered that when there's a short supply of something, such as doctors, and a high demand for something, like good health, people are willing to pay a lot of money for it. This didn't make any sense to her and she said that she just thought they were being greedy.

 

I have mixed emotions because I feel guilty for accepting her offer to change. I told her that someone else may be a better fit for her and that we just fight all the time because we are different. We also discussed my questions of faith, which she had no answers to. This morning she asked if I'd be willing to go to someone's house to talk about it on Friday. For some reason it made me mad and although I didn't yell I said that I didn't want to go to anyone's house like I was going to an intervention.

 

I feel caught in limbo. Just when I was ready to let go she wants to try, and I guess I can't just say no, so I'm giving her a chance, but I wonder if the damage hasn't been done already and if we're not just too different to make this work.

[bathtub-row]

Her lack of education aside, it seems that she isn't even capable of grasping basic concepts - like supply and demand, the value of higher education, etc. This would be maddening to me. I was once married to someone who wasn't very bright and it drove me nuts. I eventually left him and years later reconnected with him on Facebook and we met for drinks at some point. I had known him most of my life so I still think of him as a friend. But having a drink with him just brought it all back for me, reminding me of the dumbest things he'd say based on absolutely no facts at all, and how truly shallow he was.

 

My son said it very well once. He brought home this girl who was just absolutely gorgeous but the relationship fell apart very quickly. When I asked him what happened, he said that she rarely spoke and when she did, nothing intelligent came out. "Mom," he said, "I have to have someone I can talk to." He's studying to be an engineer. His last gf was quite beautiful and studying to be a lawyer. His current gf is also gorgeous and she has been putting herself through college. I'm glad he figured out what was important to him early in the game.

 

You're not ever going to stop arguing with this person and she'll just keep playing head games with you because that's the only thing she's any good at. At the risk of being a bore, I'll repeat myself - be very careful about having sex with her at this point. She will do everything she can to get pregnant so that she can trap you. If she does end up pregnant, leave her anyway.

[Ron103]

If you don't mind, could you talk some more about what happened with you and your ex? I tried to pm you about it, but I didn't see if there was an option.

 

My dad sent me an email this morning about our transportation situation and said I should call him. He made it sound like he and my mom want to buy us a car. Prior to the email he said that when he gets a raise in January he would match whatever I save up to that point and we could get a car. I was open to that idea. As much as I'm thankful for my parents I don't want them to outright buy me a car. If something horrible had happened and I was on my own I would be willing to accept perhaps, but in this situation I feel as if it's our own fault that we are this poor, and whether right or not, I blame her for a lot of it. I haven't called him because my wife has the phone while I'm at school.

 

I saw some of her applications the other day, she lists herself as unavailable to work on the weekend. When she worked at the smoothie place she asked to have the weekends off because she had full availability during the week. This created a problem with her boss and ultimately was a big reason why she left. Her thought process was that the college students should be working the weekends since they have classes during the week, and since she was married she should have weekends off with me. While I was happy that she wanted to spend the time with me I felt that in our situation she was in no place to make demands like that, like her perspective and view were completely wack.

 

Supply and demand weren't the only things she has failed to comprehend. Last week we were taking a walk and she asked why "they" (developers I'm assuming) don't leave trees for poor people but rich people get all the trees. I told her that I didn't think that developers thought like that, they probably just bulldozed entire lots since the lots were smaller and it would be easier to do it that way, where as with larger more expensive lots they had the time and the room to clear a place for the house and driveway while leaving room for trees in the yard. This didn't make any sense to her and she said that she thought they should leave poor people trees. Also, last summer she got upset that the smoothie place didn't have a calculator by the cash register. When it went down she didn't know how much change to give people. Apparently when she worked at McDonalds she would literally hand change out the window to people and let them count it themselves. I was completely shocked and told her that as an employee in that type of business she should know how to add and subtract with decimals and that she should make change herself. That led to a big fight, and I think ultimately, when she went over it she did know how to add and subtract decimals, but she had so much anxiety over it and doubted herself that she just wouldn't do it in front of people. She also said she didn't know how to read analogue clocks (the ones with the hands, not that she would know what the word analogue means). Months ago we reviewed multiplication and division which makes it awkward at Bible study when a lot of the students are talking about their calculus or physics homework and she just really has no clue what's going on and feels left out.

 

Last night when we were in bed and the lights were out she randomly started singing two songs she had written which I guess were about God never giving up on her and how I doubted but God is bigger than that. I guess I should have been flattered but quite frankly it was freaky. It was also the first time I have ever heard my wife sing. Once when we were dating I said she should sing something and I pressured her a bit too much and since then (3+ years) she has never sang around me, or at least audibly where I could hear her, even at church.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Ron103

[Mirages]

So sorry to hear.

 

I was once married to someone who wasn't very bright and it drove me nuts. I eventually left

 

Me too! It is a major problem to have disparate intelligence levels. God does love and use the dim and the bright, I am not "Diagnosing," a lack of brilliance, but I am convinced by what you write that that is a significant issue. I would also not tell her this, or spread it much. Any decision to leave should be stated as due to other factors. I did bring up intelligence with mine, and it hurt her, it is a topic that cannot be presented even lovingly.

 

One perspective you may want to solidify is that you do not need to justify to her or others why you are doing this before God. I have a clear rationalization, and I also accept that you/I are sinners, if this is our sin, so be it, if we claim to have no sin, we become liars... Sound familiar? She will probably guilt trip you even with music it seems! I'd PM with you too, but my PM is not active, curious how to activate that feature?

 

Hang in there,

 

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for a few good men to do nothing"

[bathtub-row]

If you don't mind, could you talk some more about what happened with you and your ex? I tried to pm you about it, but I didn't see if there was an option.

 

I'm apparently too dumb to figure out how to let people PM me. I looked into it the other day when someone else brought it up but couldn't figure it out.

 

Actually, my situation with my ex may have a lot in common with yours. We were in a cultish religion and when I got into my 20s, I wanted out. The religion, however, was the reason I married young. Because you don't have sex outside marriage, right? It's also the reason I didn't go to college until later in life. They don't encourage higher education (probably because they don't want people thinking for themselves). But I questioned them constantly and their answers didn't really do it for me. This religion basically creates naive people who stumble awkwardly into adulthood, and who are incapable of being even minimally successful in the world. What a great combination, huh? The only place any of them feel successful is their little cult world. If one thought that through, one might suspect that set-up was intentional...

 

It has been a long time since I was married to my not-so-bright ex so it's hard to recall a lot of things. I do know that he could never anticipate problems and reacted extremely badly to them because of that. Many things were obvious to me but not to him.

 

There is an incident that I now recall. Once he was dumping lighter fluid onto the fire in the fireplace (inside the house). I was sitting on the sofa reading a book. At some point, he must've sucked up fire into the lighter fluid bottle because when I looked up, he was running around the living room trying to figure out what to do. The bottle was on fire and was dropping little fire bombs onto the carpet. I just watched him for a few moments and he asked, "What should I do?? What should I do??" He was literally within 5 feet of the front door so I said, "Why don't you just go outside and throw it onto the driveway? That might be better than blowing up the living room." As he ran outside, I put out the little fire droppings in the carpet.

 

There was another time -- and this is really horrible; I actually cringe when I think about it -- when there was an ad in the newspaper about the local symphony playing some classical music that I liked (don't get me wrong, I don't especially like classical music as a rule). He saw the ad and exclaimed, "Look! Tchaikovsky is coming in concert!" It really made me feel bad because he was just trying to be nice. Anyway, I didn't make a big deal about it but it was really a dumb thing to say. Even if you don't know beans about classical music, most people know that Beethoven, and the likes, are no longer living and breathing. Sheesh.

 

I think in your case, you're probably like my son who needs to be with someone who's at least in the ballpark of his intellect. It's not always important to everyone but I think in your case it is. I know that, for me, intellect is a must-have when it comes to guys. This is what works for me -- smart as hell, and funny as hell. There's no getting around it. You shouldn't discount this or think you're being arrogant. You just need someone that you can really connect with in that way.

 

Btw, you had me laughing about the analogue thing. Lol!

Edited September 10, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Turtles]

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

 

When I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

 

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

 

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

 

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

 

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

 

 

 

I don't know who to credit for that joke but I thank y'all for giving me the perfect cue

[Ron103]

He saw the ad and exclaimed, "Look! Tchaikovsky is coming in concert!" It really made me feel bad because he was just trying to be nice.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm still laughing at this.

 

Yesterday Bon Jovi came on in the car and I pointed out the line "like Frankie said I did it my way," and said My Way by Frank Sinatra is one of the greatest recordings of all time, and I'm not even a lounge or whatever guy. She said she didn't know the song but she had a vague idea that Sinatra was some kind of singer. But she knows who Marilyn Monroe was! Basically just because Marilyn Monroe was beautiful and misunderstood and had a rough childhood. She likes to read about celebrities like that and also has a certain fascination with the holocaust that I find creepy when combined with the number of times she thought she was dying. All of this has seriously taught me how important parenting is. Everything revolves around her childhood even if she doesn't say it. She wants to do early childhood ed because her childhood was messed up and her mom was mentally absent and her dad was physically absent. She likes Marilyn Monroe because she was basically an orphan but she was beautiful and misunderstood. I think that all the holocaust children books have something to do with this as well.

 

Another example of a topic she didn't understand was with plants and colors. She asked "why are plants green?" and I say, "because of chlorophyll," and she said, "what's that?" I told her that it's a tiny tiny part of plants (see, I'm not a genius, I don't know if it's a molecule or a pigment or what, but I just know you know...normal stuff) that helps with photosynthesis and it's green because it absorbs all other wavelengths of light but reflects green which is what your eyes see. She looked confused and then asked what photosynthesis was and what I meant by wavelengths. FML. Other things that we went over include that South America is a continent but South Africa is a country, what the cardiovascular system is, and the sun rises in the east but sets in the west, among other things. I just feel like this is basic stuff you learn in 5th grade, we aren't talking quantum mechanics (which I have no idea about).

 

Talking with the counselor yesterday was helpful. I feel no stress to make a decision now. Come November I am going to apply to jobs where I would be happy with living, and then if we are still together next May we can decide from there. He said that he wants me to come back next week and talk about impulsive behavior because I had mentioned that I watched porn in the past and that I had a bit of a bad boy streak, or at least compared to my wife. In reality I don't really think most of it is bad, but it will be helpful to talk about. Stuff like I like it when girls drive fast. I like exploring abandoned buildings. When I was 21 I dated a 17 year old (legal in my home state which has a 4 year rule and we never did more than kiss anyway) and took her to the beach for July 4th though her parents didn't know. I like role playing, not serial killer clown stuff but soldier-nurse or pretending to be a king and be addressed as my lord (ok maybe that's a little weird). My wife will have no part of it. I'm not asking to dress up or cosplay, but to play around sometimes. I love witty foreplay, but she refuses to flirt with me, out of principle.

 

I think in some ways I wasn't able to explore things the way I should have due to my upbringing. Like you I really wanted to get married to have sex. I also think that an even more conservative upbringing is why my wife won't discuss her fantasies and won't roleplay with me or joke around/flirt. I caught her watching girl on girl porn, and it didn't bother me so much, but I wanted to talk to her about it and she never would talk to me about it except that she was terrified that the police might come because the girls looked like they could be teenagers. I thought that was pretty naive, and I wanted to talk about this in a healthy way, but she never would.

 

I don't want to rush into things and she has been pretty nice lately. I just want to see how long this can last, without another outbreak that is, and I have got everything arranged in case something does happen that I'll know what to do. If there's another severe breakdown over something ridiculous I think I'm done, and I don't know how the whole intelligence/education imbalance will work out if everything else is fine but I'm willing to give it a shot for now.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Ron103

[CarrieT]

Ron, from what I have ascertained, you two dated long-distance via emails or online before getting married, correct?

 

And now you are realizing that marriage to a beautiful person with whom you can have sex everyday is not what you thought it would be?

 

The sad part is that I don't think this marriage is going to survive the long-distance run that you will need for your life. Honestly, she sounds like a little girl who has a LOT of growing up to do. It is more than just the lack of education. It truly sounds as though her level of immaturity ranks up to the extent that you two will never be equals in a relationship - which is critical for a marriage and a life-long partnership.

 

I commend you for giving it several more months, but I think you should be honest with your Dad because he wants to help you get a vehicle. Tell him you are thinking of separating/divorcing and that he shouldn't put any money on the line for a while. Because she will be due half of it, when/if you two part ways.

 

Personally, I think she is a ticking time bomb until there is another outbreak and you walk outta there...

[preraph]

Move your essentials out when she's not around, over to a friend's house or something like that. If she has a family member she's close to who isn't as unstable as her and has any control over her, or a friend for that matter, you may want to alert them to get them to come over when you tell her. She's likely to act suicidal or just about anything. She's likely to really go off. It would be best to move out entirely when she's gone, but I know that's not easy. And you'll have to somehow divide up your stuff. I know you're very broke, so not sure what to tell you but at some point you'll have to file for divorce, won't you? The sooner you do that the better. She's going to keep coming to you for money and as long as you're married you'll have to provide. You need to get that ball rolling. IMO, you should try to get an attorney. I don't know how much it costs, but you should call around and find out. Then they can do a lot of the middleman stuff so you don't have to keep getting mixed up with her. I imagine they'd let you pay it out.

[Mirages]

He said that he wants me to come back next week and talk about impulsive behavior

Counselors will get giddy labelling you as needing services. Too impulsive = "need therapy" too mellow = "must be depressed" too confident "narcissistic traits" too humble "lacking self esteem"

 

Exploring abandoned buildings and driving fast are not that impulsive, nothing needs fixed there. The porn: well I feel that it is non-beneficial to life i.e. hurtful, but you will never be perfect, and counselling will not eliminate your imperfections. A good group of friends and a couple of new hobbies might do better.

 

 

You may discover now or later, that you are acceptable. Be careful with confessions to counselors and acceptance of their views; I have seen their conclusions end up in court, private is only a subpeona away in most states. It is a business, in some cases a person CANNOT behave in a manner that the counselor would say "Your OK, you don't need counseling."

 

Your IQ gap of around 20+ points is not fixable, and it has led to a loss of respect. One technique is a "trial separation," which becomes permanent when you want it to.

 

Also, if you do split, you will find it refreshing when your wife begins to lie, and commit all sorts of clear sins openly. Then the God effect comes into view, if it happens, it becomes evident that she did not have christianity in her mind at all, all a game to her. Mine certainly did, complete lunacy, lies, minor crimes. I remain in confidence, as my wife was just a cover without the book inside.

 

Shalom.

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry, but I'm still laughing at this.

 

Yeah, it was pretty ridiculous.

 

What happened to your wife? Did she just sleep through the entire 12 years of school? Those are pretty basic things that everyone is taught. Even if you don't remember the details, most people still have a basic concept of those things. She sounds incredibly dumb and I'm not quite sure how she got that way.

 

I have no idea why your counselor refers to your behavior as impulsive. That's very odd. He's not a member of the church, is he? Sounds very biased if you ask me.

 

Look, your wife isn't the person for you. That much is obvious. I don't think your counselor is, either. I think staying for awhile is ok if that's what you want to do but just remember that the longer you stay, the more potential there is for her to end up pregnant. Right now, you could leave with very minimal damage and problems. Once a child comes on the scene, your world will do a 180. Please don't go down that path. You need to get away from this woman.

[Art_Critic]

I opened another bank account. So, that part is done.

 

Hopefully in a different bank than you have the other accounts.. the reason I say this is if she doesn't pay any mortgage or credit card at the bank of the bills she has to pay then they will collect it from your account....