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Caught separated wife with man in bed


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Hello everyone I joined this forum today and this is my first post. I have been married for almost 6 years and I have 3 kids with my wife. We hit a rough spot almost 2 years ago and had separated as she became addicted to opiates. She was taking 20-25 norco 10 mg's a day while taking somas and drinking at her bar job. After a few months of being apart she admitted being addicted to the norcos and had to go to rehab.

 

After rehab she ended up getting a DUI. I told her I was going to divorce her and take the kids. She promised to cleanup and told me it was the drugs...that she has been depressed because of the addiction, ect. I decided to give her a chance and at first things were good but the. She went started not cleaning, not cooking, and not taking care of our kids right. She then goes out one night, never come home and totals her car in the am. Needless to say I am pissed and ask her to leave. She then Moves back to her house ( a house her parents bought for her before rehab wtf ?)

 

it's been about 2 ok months now and I drive by her house before work on my way and see a car there ( her house is 3 blocks away to boot). Curiosity gets me and I decide to try going in...door opens...see her laying in bed with om and I start swinging...he starts swinging....it fades out and I leave yelling as I leave. I am extremely upset, depressed, and anxious. I know this was my stupid fault for trusting her again. She claims to have filed for divorce but "hasn't called them back to serve me ".

 

I am worried her parents our going to help get financially with divorce as they already pay her bills have a lawn service cut her lawn, ect and I am in debt, work 55 -60 hours a week. I split the kids with here joint style too. I went out to dinner with her 4 days prior to this. She gets drug tested randomly all the time for probation and always passed. However she is taking adderalls, anti-depressants, an prolly still drinks although she claims she doesn't.

 

Life is hitting harder than ever and it's hard for me to find motivation to get up everyday. My kids are the only reason I feel I'm still here as my depression has hit the ultimate low.

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Hugs, Jered.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Have you considered taking your own steps to finalize the divorce so that you can start getting on with the rest of your life? You deserve as much happiness as everyone else, and it doesn't sound like this is the best place, environment for you to get that.

 

It doesn't really matter if or not her parents will help her financially, now or in the future. That's up to them if they want to or not, no matter if it will be a wise or foolish thing for them to do.

 

Your children will be much better off with you 100% healthy, strong and fully functioning mentally-emotionally. If that is the only reason you have at present, then use it. Once you start to get yourself out of this mess and can see some light for yourself, it may surprise you how much courage and resilience and positive stuff you actually do possess.

 

Hugs and best.

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ThorntonMelon

I know you're in debt but you need to look into getting therapy. You broke into her house (I think it's hers) while she was asleep to spy on her.

 

Right now your focus needs to be your kids. You need to stop thinking of her as a romantic partner and only as the mother of your kids. Do right by your kids. The rest of this is secondary.

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YOU file for divorce and ask the court for custody of your kids.

 

She should NOT spend one minute alone with her kids!

 

She's a druggy and drinker and could cause serious harm to the kids and not even realize what is real.

 

Protect yourself. Protect your kids!

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It sounds like you all being separated is definitely the best thing for you AND the kids.

 

As far as her sleeping with someone else while you all are not together, that's really neither here nor there if you kicked her out.

 

I would suggest you get yourself and the kids counseling. You cannot control her actions. Only your own. Protect those kids from their mother's actions (drinking, drugging, etc.) as much as you possibly can.

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Thanks everyone for the replies...they are helping me tremendously during this difficult time for me. I realize me going to the house is wrong...she has been sending me mixed signals. I kicked her out hoping she would learn, but she hasn't and I realize this. She has been lying about so much for so long that I am glad I went there today. I got 100% proof today...something I would have never have gotten. Period. No more lies no more games. The person she has become is disgusting. I do not do stalking crap or call her or text her other than kid stuff. Today my gut was right. We are not officially separated through the courts and I don't think she will follow through divorcing me so I will initiate. I have not drank in 49 days today as I think it was depressing me even more. I'm trying to eat better...starting to exercise more...anything to keep my mind from turning on me.

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I know you're in debt but you need to look into getting therapy. You broke into her house (I think it's hers) while she was asleep to spy on her.

 

Right now your focus needs to be your kids. You need to stop thinking of her as a romantic partner and only as the mother of your kids. Do right by your kids. The rest of this is secondary.

 

Hmmm, I wonder if this would actually be considered breaking in. First of all, it seemed he was able to walk right in, or had a key. Breaking in would imply forced entry and/or not belonging there, no? Also, if Michigan is like many states, any property purchased during the marriage is joint property. Unless the parents (who have created this spoiled, entitled, pathetic daughter) put the house in their names. Not sure.

 

Anyway, does it matter? He found out some key information that seemed to be pretty easy to find out.

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Thanks everyone for the replies...they are helping me tremendously during this difficult time for me. I realize me going to the house is wrong...she has been sending me mixed signals. I kicked her out hoping she would learn, but she hasn't and I realize this. She has been lying about so much for so long that I am glad I went there today. I got 100% proof today...something I would have never have gotten. Period. No more lies no more games. The person she has become is disgusting. I do not do stalking crap or call her or text her other than kid stuff. Today my gut was right. We are not officially separated through the courts and I don't think she will follow through divorcing me so I will initiate. I have not drank in 49 days today as I think it was depressing me even more. I'm trying to eat better...starting to exercise more...anything to keep my mind from turning on me.

 

Congratulations on not drinking

 

Do things that make your life better. Alcohol is a depressant.

 

Unfortunately your wife doesn't have good reasons to change - mainly because her family keeps giving her things that she would normally need to earn on her own.

 

Stay away as much as you can - it usually gets to looking very ugly and scary. Do not allow your kids to be with her alone - anything could happen and it's too big of a risk.

 

File a restraining order if needed - for you and the kids. Petition the court that she's not to be alone with them and not allowed to drive the anywhere.

 

She will become angered but stand firm that she's not in her "right mind".

 

Have you been to AA or Al Anon meetings at all?

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This is a heartbreaking thing to go through, even if she has proven herself to be a less-than-desirable human being. Apparently, her parents never bothered to teach her values or self-worth and, instead, handed everything to her. It would seem that she isn't capable of turning things around for herself, either.

 

If her parents fight you in court for custody of the kids, they'll end up raising them because their daughter is completely incapable. You should file for divorce immediately and let your lawyer know about her neglect of the kids and her drug addiction. Only a judge who was paid off would give her custody of the kids. Even if the lame-brain parents win, they'll get sick of that scene really, really fast.

 

The bottom line is that I believe you'll get custody of your children, and you should. Please fight for them and be proactive in this situation. File and get the wheels in motion. And don't believe a single word that comes out of your future ex's mouth. She will beg, plead and borrow at some point and you need to be prepared for it. Nothing will ever change in your marriage because she is too far gone.

 

I know your head is spinning and your heart is breaking right now, but always remember that your kids will never leave you, they'll never cheat on you and they'll always be there for you. Even when they're grown, you'll have wonderful times with them if you teach them strong family values. They absolutely are worth living for. When they're grown, they'll remember who gave them love and security.

Edited by bathtub-row
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She is very sick. Obviously she hasn't hit her rock bottom...yet. Her parents seem to be cushioning the fall and basically enabling her. Good for you for kicking her out and removing yourself from the crazy mess. Next go work on removing your kids from the mess. They need to be protected.

 

I wonder have you talked to her parents/friends about her illness? Nothing you can do to make her stop. For addicts their drug of choice is their first love. She will fight yo defend that. Her parents are supporting it, maybe in fear...I don't know. Drug Addictions & alcoholics are a complicated sick mess. I can not understand their way of thinking. You shouldn't either.

 

Protect yourself & your kids. Join alnon meetings in your area for support. Also take a look at sober recovery forums your story is like thousands. It will help you understand and it will give you comfort.

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Hmmm, I wonder if this would actually be considered breaking in. First of all, it seemed he was able to walk right in, or had a key. Breaking in would imply forced entry and/or not belonging there, no? Also, if Michigan is like many states, any property purchased during the marriage is joint property. Unless the parents (who have created this spoiled, entitled, pathetic daughter) put the house in their names. Not sure.

 

Anyway, does it matter? He found out some key information that seemed to be pretty easy to find out.

 

 

Yea door was open...she wouldn't brig that up in court as nothing happened but a quick scuffle..as soon as the police were mentioned I chose to leave. The om was yellin "I don't even know ya bro"...and he's right...it's not his fault. That image isn't gonna leave me

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How /what do I file against her? She is passing her drug tests claims she is over 9 months clean from opiates. She is bi polar for sure she fits every symptom and her mom thinks so as well. Also claims to be ADHD and takes 20mg adderalls and anti depressants...I don't think she should be taking what she is taking together. I think I am dealing with a histrionic bipolar addict.

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OP, I can tell you from experience that unless your wife is an imminent threat to her children, she will most likely get primary custody if she (and her parents) fights for it. Even failing a drug test or being an alcoholic isn't enough to overcome the prejudice of judges towards women. At worst she will get a deferred custody until the judge sees she is clean. I'm just letting you know what to expect. Also, as I've said, expect to hear her charge you for breaking and entering as well as assault on her OM.

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I guess yea she can but there really is no harm on either side and she basically would have to admit to an affair that was gone about all the wrong ways...she could at least legally separate from me before this and she chose not to. There are no witnesses, no broken anything and the both of us are fine ( the om and me). But anyways I'll take responsibility if necessary but I don't think it will even come up.

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OP, I can tell you from experience that unless your wife is an imminent threat to her children, she will most likely get primary custody if she (and her parents) fights for it. Even failing a drug test or being an alcoholic isn't enough to overcome the prejudice of judges towards women. At worst she will get a deferred custody until the judge sees she is clean. I'm just letting you know what to expect. Also, as I've said, expect to hear her charge you for breaking and entering as well as assault on her OM.

 

Thanks for the advice on custody I feel the same way and think it'll lean in her favor. I don't know what to do really. I am going to try to be positive because I don't think the world gives me anythingI can't handle.

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She had a DUI and then wrecked a car after staying out all night this past year all while you work 50-60 hours a week to provide for your family?

 

I'm no judge but it's pretty clear who these children should be raised by.

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She had a DUI and then wrecked a car after staying out all night this past year all while you work 50-60 hours a week to provide for your family?

 

I'm no judge but it's pretty clear who these children should be raised by.

 

My ex wife assaulted me with a solid wooden plank, leaving me with multiple bruises which were photographed by police, she was arrested--yet she still got primary custody. Women's faults are overlooked in custody cases. Men aren't afforded this luxury. We have to be near perfect like Jesus. (Actually even Jesus wouldn't win a custody case because they'd say his lifestyle is harmful and risky to a child.)

Edited by M30USA
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How /what do I file against her?

You do not "need" anything to just start divorce proceedings (at least, not where I am.) And don't bother trying to attach psychiatric labels like "histrionic bipolar" to her. It doesn't help anything or anybody even if your non-professional assessment is accurate.

 

When it gets there, then you can introduce whatever evidence about her mental health history, and so on. Her doctors, most likely, will need to "cooperate with the courts" in providing whatever relevant info they have.

 

Alcohol and other mind-altering substances and processes do/might feel like a "help" at the time...but it is best to not count on those as your first defense against the realities of your and your children's best interests, though.

 

Keeping a clear and logical/level-headed mind will no doubt be your best option.

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She had a DUI and then wrecked a car after staying out all night this past year all while you work 50-60 hours a week to provide for your family?

 

I'm no judge but it's pretty clear who these children should be raised by.

 

Thanks for the kind words. As sad as this sounds I'm hoping she just gets sick of trying to deal with the kids and gives up. I think that's my best hope and the best thing for everyone.

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Thanks for the kind words. As sad as this sounds I'm hoping she just gets sick of trying to deal with the kids and gives up. I think that's my best hope and the best thing for everyone.

 

I agree. A man's best chance at custody is if the mom doesn't fight tooth and nail.

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ThorntonMelon

You need to stop breaking into her space or you're going to get the label of crazy one.

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You need to stop breaking into her space or you're going to get the label of crazy one.

 

I agree. Even though she might sometimes drive you to the point where any normal person would snap like you did, you can't do this when children and custody are involved. You're better off acting like a lifeless robot without emotions. Even raising your voice at a women can successfully be classified as abuse by the right lawyer.

Edited by M30USA
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My ex wife assaulted me with a solid wooden plank, leaving me with multiple bruises which were photographed by police, she was arrested--yet she still got primary custody. Women's faults are overlooked in custody cases. Men aren't afforded this luxury. We have to be near perfect like Jesus. (Actually even Jesus wouldn't win a custody case because they'd say his lifestyle is harmful and risky to a child.)

 

No offense but the way you harbor a grudge, at least on here, could be considered detrimental to your children's well-being.

 

I don't know you in real life but on here you seem to have such a strong disliking for the mother of your children while I've yet to hear you admit to any faults of your own and some might see that as concerning.

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Just had a heart wrenching convo with my oldest...she is 8. She tells me how her mom sleeps in to 1-4 ?!?!? She says mom never makes us breakfast we have ourselves ( my kids are 8, 6, and 3). She says mom "sometimes makes them lunch but just plays with her phone all day." Then she went on about how mom left them in the car at the store the other day with the windows down and doors unlocked. This is all from me have a talk with her because she has been rude all day to her siblings and my parents. I asked her how things were going with her mom and that was her winded reply. I started to record what she was saying because I need to show her parents wtf is going on. I don't know if that'll matter in court or anything. This is heartbreaking to hear from her.

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