Am I overreacting? Custody question

[veggielover]

Just four more days until STBX and I move out of the house. He decides tonight to bring up a custody issue.

 

It has been understood, or so I thought, that I would have my little all week (she's 5). He could have most weekends (unless we had something planned). I found a place 10 minutes from her school, on my way to work. He lives a minimum of 30 minutes from her school (depending on traffic) AND works near where he lives.

 

So tonight, he says "when I find a Monday-Friday job, why don't I pick her up from school on Wed night, and bring her back to you Sat." Wait.. WHAT? I have so many problems with this I don't even know where to begin.

 

A: Let's say he works 8-5. He has to have her out the door at least by 6:45.. most likely 6:30 to be sure. He won't be picking her up until 5:30.. most likely later.. closer to 6. They don't get home until let's say 6:30. She needs to eat dinner, bathe, homework and in bed by 7:30 to get ten hours of sleep. Never going to happen, so she will be chronically overtired.

 

But he wants to do this to spend more time with her?? I call BS. His reason for not wanting her on the weekends? "I will work all week, and need some days to myself". Ummm.. hello?? parenting?? Maybe try it?? Should I use this argument as my reason for him to have her on the weekends?? WHERE are my days to myself?? I work all week too! (please note the sarcasm in those last sentences).

 

 

This also means my inlaws won't get time with her, unless I make sure of it happening, as weekends are the only time they can see her during the school year.

 

My personal belief, is this has to do with the chick he's sleeping with right now. He wants his weekends to spend with her. That could be just my bitter talking.

 

I suggested he picks her up every Friday after school and she spends the weekend one week, then the other weekend he bring her back on Saturday. He also could pick her up on Wednesdays from school, and do something with her for a couple hours then bring her home (the park, the library, dinner, etc).

 

I just feel he's once again putting himself ahead of his daughter. This has been an ongoing thread in our marriage. He always has come first in his head.

 

Am I just overreacting? Is it just my anger talking? Can this work? I don't want to keep them apart at all.. she needs her father and he needs to see her... I just need to do what's best for her.

 

Any parents doing this right now? How does it work for you?

[tippydog90]

I am in the opposite dilemma as you, my soon to be ex is making little effort to see our toddler, and only when it is convenient for him. Perhaps in your case you could suggest him having her Wed-Saturday (or Thurs-Sun) every other week instead of every week. Maybe the Thursday-Sunday routine would be a bit better in terms of his work schedule, distance to school, and her need for rest. That way it is only two school days every other week, rather than three. That would also allow you both to have two weekends alone to take care of things that need to be done and have some down time. I know how important that is. I am struggling right now myself because I have my almost 3 year old all the time with no break and am finding it hard to even have time to maintain my property!! Anyway, it is just a thought and perhaps would be a good compromise.

[CarrieT]

It has been understood, or so I thought,

Here is the question.

 

WHY was this understood? Had you discussed it before or did you assume you would get weekdays and he would get weekends?

 

Any parents doing this right now? How does it work for you?

Why my new husband has arranged with his (after extensive court dates and custody battles), is a change-over every Friday.

 

He started this when his kids were 5, 7, and 8 (they are now 12, 15, & 16). I am newly married into this family but I pick the kids up from school on Friday afternoon and we have them through the weekend, into the following week, and up until I bring them back to school the following Friday morning - when it is understood that his Ex will pick them up from school.

 

This actually works well for us as we have a set calendar and know which weekends we have to ourselves and which weekends we plan family events. There are always negotiations when things come up (we have to go out of town on a kid weekend and will switch around, when the ExWife is willing).

 

The calendar flips during their spring break to assure that kid-holidays (like Halloween and the kids' birthdays) are spent, alternately, at either parents' house each year.

[jakrbbt]

Tell him that you are sure you two will come up with something workable. Reassure him that you want him to have time with his daughter and that you think there's a viable plan that won't leave either of you without self-time. But tell him that you will not agree to something that has your daughter out the door before 7 and away for roughly 12 hours.

 

Then, get a court-ordered parenting-time plan. Even separations can come with those. Get a mediator-- free mediation isn't always a great idea, but if you're simply hammering out parenting time, it might be the thing for that.

 

Basically, he has mentioned an understandable problem and come up with a dumb solution. That doesn't mean there is no solution. I'd propose something like: Every other weekend, he has her only half the weekend. And/or, during the week he can have one dinner "out" with daughter but return her to your place for bedtime.

 

Yes, he is probably being a bit selfish and unrealistic. The reality of divorce is that you become a single parent, and are pretty much working and/or taking care of your child on any given day-- if you want to have plenty of parenting time. For an involved parent, it's that way during marriage, too. But I digress. I say I digress because, it doesn't do you any good to dwell on his flaws here. If you point out his selfishness, it will likely backfire.

 

And also, I bet that when he has those evenings to himself after work, it will feel like plenty of alone-time without daughter. His perspective may well change. One day of complete self-time per two weeks is actually an awful lot, when you're a parent, divorced or not.

 

But remember, do not make the center of your argument what he should be doing or expecting. The centerpiece of your argument is: Daughter. Her need to be at home for more than 12 hours at a stretch. There are creative ways you both could accomplish that-- and if he wants to try also to keep his self-time, fine, he can work to bring a creative solution to the table. (Another suggestion: Get trusted family member or care giver who can come over early when dad leaves for work, take daughter to day care after she's slept in).

 

Good luck! You're in logistics-problem-solving mode.

[veggielover]

Here is the question.

 

WHY was this understood? Had you discussed it before or did you assume you would get weekdays and he would get weekends?

 

 

 

It was understood, because we had discussed it. Well, as much as we discuss anything. He never really has anything to say. I asked him what he thought.. and he just said ok.

 

 

jakrbbt.. we are actually with a mediator, and we are working on a parenting plan as part of our legal documents. This just all came out of the blue to me.

I see the social worker next week.. and will bring up all of my concerns at that time.

 

I appreciate the views everyone has brought so far.

 

 

One thing that bothers me... this doesn't seem to be a well thought out plan on his end. He moved far from her school.. AND he only has a small one bedroom basement apt. So she would have no space of her own there. I think that she should at least have her own room if she is going to stay with him half the week.

 

I would love to make it work. Unfortunately, he has not been a parent to her for the past 5 years. He has a serious mental illness. He is on meds.. but adjusting.. which is a whole 'nother story. He has been irresponsible with her in the past.. ie when he's watched her all day, I would come home and ask what she had for lunch.. nothing. He would say, well, she didn't say she was hungry.. but he had lunch (this was when she was around 3). He has taken her out in the winter, before she could talk, with no coat.. because he just didn't think about it (his words).. but of course put his on. Just some examples.

 

I don't know how to let go of these concerns. I am trying.. as she is now old enough to voice her own needs.. but doesn't always do it well (She has been tested for Autism.. after 3 yrs, no diagnosis... now looking at OCD.. hence a strong need for routine). She is very high functioning.. but still has her moments. He doesn't know how to deal with her. He has called me many times at work to have me tell her to get ready because she is throwing a major tantrum.

 

I worry from a medical standpoint as well. She has food allergies. He has not always taken them seriously. That scares the crap out of me. At least we are down to one now.. with one possibly coming back.

 

I am trying my best to keep it centered around my kid. And I am trying to not be worried. I will consider trying another options then just weekends.. I really don't know what to suggest though.

 

 

I know I keep coming up with reasons that I'm not ok with this... but I need to work it out in my head sometimes.. I need more reasons that it is ok.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I keep coming up with reasons that I'm not ok with this... but I need to work it out in my head sometimes.. I need more reasons that it is ok.

 

It's probably going to be OK because, depending on your custody status, it's a reasonable and common parenting approach for a separated/divorced spouse. The level of control over his access and circumstances you're attempting to exert is one of the casualties of divorce ...

 

Mr. Lucky