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Divorcing and have a toddler, not sure where to go from here....


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I am not sure where to start here. I will try to make it as short as possible. I am a 49 year old woman with an almost 3 year old daughter who I adopted with my soon to be ex (he is 43). Long story short, my husband clearly has some type of personality disorder and is borderline narcissistic as well. We have been together 5 years. He seems to be an emotional zombie, incapable of feelings, love, and can be downright cruel in his actions. Recently he told me he never loved me at all and only married me to "get out of the barracks" (he was in the Army when we met).

 

I have caught him subscribing to a dating site, google searching "where to find hookers", and writing to women on Craigslist (this happened while we were separated for all of two weeks about two years ago). I can count on one hand the number of times the man has said anything nice to me.

 

He moved out over a month ago, I filed for divorce two weeks ago. I am DONE. Now he is showing little interest in seeing his daughter, whom he "had" a beautiful relationship with. Now it is all about what is "convenient" for him. He intentionally moved three hours away (not for a job) because he HATES where we lived, I don't think that is the issue at all. Now he complains about how inconvenient the drive is. He plans on working in North Dakota soon and will see his daughter at best once a month.

 

I honestly don't know where to go from here. This man has the maturity level of a 12 year old, is so self-absorbed it is unreal, and has no ability to emotionally connect with another adult. I was the first real relationship he ever had. I have stood by him, supported him, encouraged him and have been more patient than just about any other woman would have been. I am concerned about what this means for my little girl in the future - and I am concerned about what I have allowed this man to do to my self esteem. I am an educated woman with a great job and I have a lot going for me, much more than he has - and his self hatred and anger (he is a very angry person) has been directed at me so very long. Everything is "my fault", though not perfect, I have done everything in my power to forgive his actions, support him and love him. I should also note that he has an incessant need to feel "wanted and needed". He asked the other night when he came to visit our daughter if I ever missed him. I said "Oh once in a while, but more often than not, I don't miss you". He said he didn't believe me, yet turned around and said he didn't miss me at all. It is like he takes pleasure out of saying things that he thinks might hurt me.

 

Anyway, I am struggling here - it is going to be a difficult road raising such a little one on my own without much of a support network. Any advice on how to get through this time with my head high and emotions intact would be appreciated. And also advice on how to deal with this cruel and self-centered man for the next 16 years. How could I have been so blind as to ever believe he loved me.....

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Of COURSE you can do it!!!! Now is the time to be the mother you are, without diknoz standing over you. A single mother in her 40's who is intelligent and well-educated sounds lovely to me, and I am happy for your daughter.

 

I know that it's difficult to build a support network these days. Day care is probably a good place to meet parents. Do you have the means to put your daughter in the day care (or hire the nanny) of your choosing? Can she start pre-preschool soon? And how fortunate that you (it sounds like) have custody. Do you? By custody I mean the legal right to make the decisions regarding your daughter's care. He can't interfere with your life nearly as much as if you didn't have that. Visitation does not a relationship make. Plenty of people are practically strangers with their exes even though they pass the child back and forth for visits.

 

But I believe that the important thing for you is to get Idiot-man out of your head. Your post is pretty focused on him. Not that I blame you-- man I'd be angry and resentful after that. Annnngry and resentful. But where does that leave you? The guy is not going to have a jerk-epiphany and apologize and get a personality makeover. No one is going to compensate you for your past agony with him, as you well know. Fortunately you do not need either of those things to happen. You have worked hard and used your brains in order to have a good job and be able to be a good parent. You owe yourself a thank you for every hour you spent in school and in previous jobs, because now you can be free from the past and bounce back from this little love affair with a nightmare.

 

You hear me? You gotta stop torturing yourself with this guy. Sure, he happened and that sucks. As my husband says, "We all know that a*holes exist. Yet we're still surprised when we come across one." (He is not my favorite person right now, but the man can turn a phrase.) So, you came across an a*hol. You weathered it. You got out! You have all the tools to bounce back.

 

Repeat after me because this one has a tune: "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair . . ." Done. He is gone, your anger with him is gone mostly, you can enjoy your future which looks pretty good to me. And you deserve your future.

 

I love being alone with a toddler and it sure as heck beats having some a*hole standing over my shoulder. Daily chores become a game, or you could hire a teenage "mother's helper" to hang out and lend a helping hand while you're at home. You'll do just fine. You might get some cheerios on the linoleum overnight, you might wear a wrinkled shirt to work because you didn't fold laundry. But you won't be distracted by a horrible relationship. Let me tell you, I've been a nanny for 5 kids around the clock during extended vacations (that is, parents went away, me and kids at home for days)-- we did fine And I was in my 20s and probably nowhere near as equipped as you. Break it down into parts: Which part of parenting can you do? The essential chores, you got that? the finances? Grocery shopping? PTA meeting? Bedtime story? Are you worried about loneliness? Or lacking time? Because you can do each piece. You can do it better than anyone, your way.

 

Take some time to celebrate your future. Go on a walk with your daughter each evening and put a fun audiobook on headphones. Or take just one candlelit bath per month, or make sure to physically stand somewhere beautiful-- a forest, or in front of a painting, or just in the window when the light comes in a certain way. Turn on the radio at night while you fold clothes. Buy a latte when you cart her around at the grocery store, and go to the nice grocery store once in a while, not just the ugly cheap one-- even if just to buy a couple things.

 

Toddlers are a dream. Have fun with your new beautiful future with dream toddler and fantastic mommy-you and no more bad relationship. Keep posting!

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Jakrbbt,

Thank you so much for responding. Your post made me feel so much better! This has been an emotional struggle for me. I feel so much anger toward my soon to be ex. It is so hard to get past that. Anger for the trust he has shattered, for his lies and for his apparent lack of concern about our daughter. I begged him to stay closer to our home during this very difficult transition for her, but he chose to move three hours away even though his job is based out of our town (he travels 8 days at a time). I asked him to please come spend the weekend with her last week when he was off, but he was otherwise "too busy" to do so and didn't want to spend the $60 on a motel (mind you this guy has a good job and a very significant inheritance in the bank, money is not an issue - he is just extremely tight). It is all about him now. I am so angry about what he has done to her - not only will she someday have to deal with all the feelings her adoption will bring out, now she comes from a broken home also. I did everything I could to hold this marriage together, in spite of his treatment of me - asked him to go to counseling and when he refused, went on my own. He just wants his freedom I guess.

 

Anyway, yes I do have and will have custody. I anticipate only sporadic visitation from him, and when it is "convenient" as that has already become apparent. We live in a very, very small town (3 hours from anything close to a city) which I think in many ways makes this even more difficult. It isn't like there is a plethora of activities to keep us occupied.... I wish I lived in a larger town, or at least one that was close to a larger town/city. But moving right now is not an option. I have good friends at work, and a good day care provider (not many options for that here either). So those are positives. I am just trying to focus on my little girl now and what is best for her. She is beautiful, smart, happy and I am such a lucky mom. But she adored her daddy very much and now he is virtually non-existent. Though she really doesn't ask about him and emotionally seems to be fine, with only a few minor behavioral changes I have noted.

 

I am just having a difficult time right now with the incredible anger I feel toward him. He has really shattered my trust - and I cannot see EVER getting that back. And in his profound emptiness and shallowness, he acts like nothing even matters. Tells me our daughter will just "have to get used to it". Meaning she has to just deal with him being gone most of the time. I just want him to feel the incredible hurt and pain we feel, but I know that isn't going to happen. I am so angry at myself too, angry for ever believing this man loved me at all. Angry for bragging to people about what a good father he was, when he is all but disappeared now.

 

I just need to stop thinking about all the pain and just move on, but at times it just consumes me. Thanks for listening.

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I am not sure where to start here. I will try to make it as short as possible. I am a 49 year old woman with an almost 3 year old daughter who I adopted with my soon to be ex (he is 43). Long story short, my husband clearly has some type of personality disorder and is borderline narcissistic as well. We have been together 5 years. He seems to be an emotional zombie, incapable of feelings, love, and can be downright cruel in his actions. Recently he told me he never loved me at all and only married me to "get out of the barracks" (he was in the Army when we met).

I'm curious which of you pushed hardest for the adoption? If it was you, not surprising he doesn't have much vested in an ongoing relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr. Lucky,

We both wanted to adopt, though I perhaps pushed harder in that I made it happen. I did all the paperwork, networking, contacting agencies, etc. Now he tells me he just agreed to "make me happy"..... Although he told me when we first met he wanted children. He loves our daughter very much, I can see that in his interaction with her - however he still puts himself first in his decisions. Now it is a matter of seeing her when convenient it appears. My thoughts are if he truly loved her (like I do), he wouldn't have moved so far away so quickly during this very difficult time for her, it isn't like he had to move. He also would have spent the whopping $60 for a motel room last weekend so he could spend two days vs. 3 hours with her. But he had more important "plans".... Like drinking and hanging out in a bar.

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however he still puts himself first in his decisions. Now it is a matter of seeing her when convenient it appears. My thoughts are if he truly loved her (like I do), he wouldn't have moved so far away so quickly during this very difficult time for her, it isn't like he had to move. He also would have spent the whopping $60 for a motel room last weekend so he could spend two days vs. 3 hours with her. But he had more important "plans".... Like drinking and hanging out in a bar.

 

The above makes me question this:

 

Although he told me when we first met he wanted children. He loves our daughter very much, I can see that in his interaction with her

 

Love isn't a noun, it's a verb requiring action. She won't feel his love from a barstool 3 hours away.

 

Regardless, now up to you to give her the family and structure she'll need. I'd focus 100% on that and not worry about what's past...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr. Lucky,

You are right. Love is a verb and does require action, something he never put into our relationship either. When he is around her, he is exceptionally loving, attentive, plays with her, takes her places, provides very good care. He stayed home with her a good portion of last year and was pretty devoted to her. However, that has all changed now it appears as he just hasn't made much of an effort to see her since he left. It will only get worse when he starts working so far away. I realize now I can honestly say this man has never stuck with anything in his life, not even his family. His loss.

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Your daughter is almost 3, which is great! Honestly, after around 18 months they start getting so much easier, and same goes for after 3. Paranting is the hardest job in the world, but take it from me, you life will get nothing but easier the next few years! Don't think about the teenage years yet though ;)

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Can you get full custody? or make it work financially. I am thinking you ought to cut this bozo out of your life 100%.

 

Your daughter needs a good role model of a man and father - and this guy wont be it.

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I absolutely adore the toddler age she is at right now!! Although I have found toddlers are very demanding little things! :) But they are so, so much fun! I just keep thinking to myself that he is going to miss out on all the beauty I get to enjoy every day, watching her grow, learn, and be my princess!

 

Full custody is not an option. I was told that unless there were serious issues, that judges never award full custody. So, all I can do is hope that he show more interest in her life than he is showing right now. I also hope that the values she learns from me offsets what I am afraid may not be the greatest influences from him. For example, he told me once he had "no respect for women" (his words). Frankly, a man that has no respect for woman doesn't have much business having a daughter in my opinion.... but I cannot change that.

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