1 year after divorce and I'm still feeling lost.

[RICKY7780]

Hi everyone. I would like to take the time first off to thank anyone who reads my post. It is going to be quite long but I will try my best to make it as short as possible. First a little background.

 

As the title says, I got divorced a year ago. Prior to that I was already separated a year from my ex-wife. We were together for 11 years and married for 10. We got together when she was 15 and me 18. We have 2 children together ages 4 and 9. Im 30 years old btw. Anyways, the separation was because she left me for another man. That wasn't her first time leaving me in our relationship. To this day she has admitted to me that she slept with 7 different guys. Most of them I knew about but I still took her back. She left me on 3 separate occasions. All of that over a time period of 7 years. Every time I took her back because I loved her regardless. And I also wanted to keep our family together and give my kids a family with both their birth parents together.

 

Now a little more detailed. When she left me 2 years ago for another man I was yet again devastated. She filed for divorce, but the divorce was in the works for the following year. She met the guy through work. She was with him for 8 months. Moved in with him and even established a home with him. The kids even grew to like him. 6 months after she left I finally became stronger. Maybe it was the depression meds I took, idk. But I finally started dating a girl. It felt amazing. I felt like my prayers were answered. She made me smile and feel so happy. I never thought about my ex anymore. My ex found out about my new relationship. Needless to say her relationship fell apart due to her. Our kid exchanges became more of a time for her to express things to me about wanting me back. I avoided it. But when I would go back home my thoughts started to set in. I became more distant from my gf. But I came to love her either way. Then our divorce was finally finalized and done with. My ex wife begged to not go through with it but i still did either way. Then came my biggest mistake. After court she followed me home. We talked and we ended up sleeping together. Afterwards I felt disgusted! I told her to leave. I cried and felt so bad. I have never been a cheater. I was always a faithful man. In the following 4 months We slept together another 2-3 times, I can't remember. I knew I didn't want to be with her anymore. I no longer loved her, but the thoughts of getting our family back together ate me up. I fantasized everyday. All this while I was still with my gf. Every time me and my ex wife slept together I felt so sick and disgusted. It made me not want to go home to my gf. But I loved her and didn't want to lose her. Finally in Jan of this year My now exgf found out and moved away to her hometown almost 2 hours away. I begged for her back and not to leave.

 

Now to my main dilemma. Following my exgf leaving we eventually tried to make things work. She loved me so much. We were constantly off and on. Mainly due to the fact because of distance, but also because my thoughts still at me up. We still talk until today and I still tell her I love her and want to be with her. I don't know how to let go of my ex wife and the fantasies we shared. I always imagine us being together and having my kids happy and all of us growing together. Im scared of a blended family and it holds me back. The thoughts of another man being around my kids upsets me. The thoughts of taking on my exgfs son scares me too, simply because it feels like I'm neglecting my own kids. I feel like I would want to start a family with my exgf if we ever got back together. She is such an amazing person and I'm so attracted to her. She's faithful and has a great head on her shoulders. But first we would have to work things out. I hate where she lives and she will never come back to my town. For good reasons. My town is very very small. So I see my ex wife occasionally. I know in order to move on I would have to leave. My problem is that I'm so depressed because I can't seem to get things right with my exgf because of thoughts that I know I no longer want. But they won't leave my head. How do I do this? How do I move on for good? My marriage was so toxic and screwed me up so bad. To get back with my ex wife would be the stupidest thing ever. Its proven. But I can't get these thoughts out of my head of her changing and being a better person and maybe giving it one more chance. What is wrong with me? Why am I so lost?

[LakersFan81]

She doesn't love you at all if she slept with 7 other guys. I was just recently dumped by my girlfriend of 5+ years that I thought was the girl I would be with forever, and marry, and I understand a little of where you are coming from. I thought my situation was terrible, but yours is definitely more difficult especially with kids being involved.

 

You deserve better. The fact that she kept sleeping with other guys, and you took her back made her think she could get away with whatever. You deserve a girl that is loyal. You just need to escape from the emotions, and realize that better women are out there. Hang in there.

[Akashsingh]

I will be a bit more candid. You are trying to have the best of both worlds. You are doing the same thing to your gf that your ex wife did to you. Sleeping with an ex should be a big no. You need to choose one path and since both decisions are hard (gf or ex wife), you need to take one and stick with it. If I were your gf, I would have never ever forgiven you.

 

Also your ex is a sex addict. Sign her up for sex therapy.

[RICKY7780]

Thank y'all for the replies.

 

Lakers fan: I totally agree that she doesn't love me. Well in a sense she does. She might feel the same as I do and just miss all the memories we had. She probably day dreams like I do and imagines us all as one happy family again. There is way more to her story but i just don't have that much time to explain. I attribute a lot of her mistakes to her being young and never living an actual "young" life. She picked a wrong time to try and do so when it was too late. Its possible and its heard of people actually changing for the best even after situations like ours. But i just don't know and I'm scared to find out if she has.

 

Akashsingh: I totally agree with you on that. Im trying to have my cake and eat it too. But see thats my major problem. I don't want to live this way. i have been trying to break this disgusting pattern for over half a year now. I have never been this type of person. I preach so much better than what i live. I have always been a faithful man. But fantasies ruined me. My ex wife ruined me and scarred me so bad. Yes having kids makes it so much harder to move on because i wish so much better for them. I know i deserve way better than why my ex wife gave me. My exgf forgave me because she truly does love me. She can't let me go and i can't let her go either. Of course she has so many trust issues because she still lives 2 hours away. but I'm not making the same mistakes I did before to betray my exgfs trust. Only think i can't break is getting my ex wife and the illusions out of my head.

[M30USA]

Your children will highly resent your ex-wife when they find out the truth. And they will.

[RICKY7780]

m30:

I believe that too. But to a certain extent. Separation was hard on our daughter. Its got a lot easier for her. But i know she still hides certain things. She knows I'm always here for her. My son was only 2. And he could have cared less how things were. Everyday was just another day. He has always been so happy and he has adjusted so well. Transitions from house to house are easy going. My daughter does get rebellious sometimes and wants to stay with me more of the time. My son the opposite. But as far as resentment I know it will be my daughter doing that. But by the time she's mature enough to understand she will be so forgiving about it, but she will also wish it would have never happened.