Sleeping with other people while "separated"

[Dtmotoman]

Just looking for people's views on this one to make a bit of sense of it all.

 

Is sleeping with someone while you're separated considered cheating?

 

Bear in mind there was No clear boundaries put in place with our separation as it was not amicable.

 

We separated in February(she did not me) with no real explanation, just got the usual "it's not working" & "I just don't love you anymore" crap. Tried to sit down and talk but just got the typical brick wall.

 

For 5 months I tried to save the relationship while we lived apart(threw her out)but there was no interest on her part. She came back in June and wanted to work things out with no real explanation as to why she left in the first place or why she came back....confused.

 

We decided we'd give it a go and for a week or so things were starting to look really good....that was until I found out that she had slept with someone else while we were apart. Once only and I do believe her about that as she's not overly keen on it...If you know what I mean.

 

Obviously there is nothing I can do about it now, but should I consider it as cheating? I didnt stop being married, she did! Should I just chalk it up an move on for the sake of the relationship and the kids or do I stop wanting things to work walk away?

 

Apparently it's "none of my business" and it happened when we were apart. Didn't tell me because she knew it would hurt me and because apparently I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

 

Currently back in the "separated" void again for the last month or so, but attending cc. Have been advised to do a couple of weeks NC so we can clear the heads and talk about the way things are going.

 

I would appreciate people's views on this one or advice from people who have been through this before.

Edited August 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

In most states you are required to live separate & apart for some period of time before you can divorce. Unless both parties are actively trying to reconcile during that period of separation, once the lawyers have gotten involved I think you are free to do whatever & whomever you choose. It's not cheating (although some religions may say otherwise).

 

If you want to get back together don't sleep with other people. If it's over & there's not hope live your life with no thought to your STBX (unless there are kids involved)

 

If you can't get past the two wrongs -- walking out in the 1st place and being with somebody else -- don't try to reconcile because you will always resent her. If you want a new beginning, whatever happened in the past has to be fixed then wiped clean or it won't work.

[aMguilts]

Just looking for people's views on this one to make a bit of sense of it all.

 

Is sleeping with someone while you're separated considered cheating?

 

Bear in mind there was No clear boundaries put in place with our separation as it was not amicable.

 

We separated in February(she did not me) with no real explanation, just got the usual "it's not working" & "I just don't love you anymore" crap. Tried to sit down and talk but just got the typical brick wall.

 

For 5 months I tried to save the relationship while we lived apart(threw her out)but there was no interest on her part. She came back in June and wanted to work things out with no real explanation as to why she left in the first place or why she came back....confused.

 

We decided we'd give it a go and for a week or so things were starting to look really good....that was until I found out that she had slept with someone else while we were apart. Once only and I do believe her about that as she's not overly keen on it...If you know what I mean.

 

Obviously there is nothing I can do about it now, but should I consider it as cheating? I didnt stop being married, she did! Should I just chalk it up an move on for the sake of the relationship and the kids or do I stop wanting things to work walk away?

 

Apparently it's "none of my business" and it happened when we were apart. Didn't tell me because she knew it would hurt me and because apparently I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

 

Currently back in the "separated" void again for the last month or so, but attending cc. Have been advised to do a couple of weeks NC so we can clear the heads and talk about the way things are going.

 

I would appreciate people's views on this one or advice from people who have been through this before.

 

 

 

 

my view?

even thinking about f king someone else while you are still married

is a no no

your still married!!!

 

 

I`ll say that again

you are still married!!!

 

 

separated, going through divorce, living apart?

get 1 part of your life over before starting another!!

aM

[carhill]

Is sleeping with someone while you're separated considered cheating?

 

As long as your spouse is aware you're separated and you have agreed-upon rules of engagement which permit sexual encounters with others, then it's not cheating, IMO. If any non-disclosures and/or agreements to contrary, and spouse is/remains unaware, cheating.

 

In your situation, I'd simply file for divorce. No sense in beating a dead horse. The cheating aspect is superfluous. As one poster told me long ago, 'she simply doesn't want to be married to you anymore'. Stung a bit but that's good advice, so I'm repeating it. Separated people who have sex with others and don't actively work on reconciliation are already long down the divorce path. There are some bells that can't be un-rung.

[thekid36]

my view?

even thinking about f king someone else while you are still married

is a no no

your still married!!!

 

 

I`ll say that again

you are still married!!!

 

 

separated, going through divorce, living apart?

get 1 part of your life over before starting another!!

aM

 

With all due respect, I have to completely disagree here. Sometimes, being married becomes only a technical thing. When someone has emotionally checked out of the situation for good I mean. Why should one have to wait till a legal decree is finalized when a possible opportunity for happiness going forward might exist? Not that you should actively look to disrespect who you're still on paper with. Just that we all are living here on limited time. Can't just always do what may be the politically or religiously correct thing all the time. Life is not always lived inside of a neat little box.

Edited August 26, 2014 by thekid36

[carhill]

It appears the OP's spouse initiated the separation and refused requests to discuss it in any substantive way, then later returned to 'work things out', disclosing she had been intimate sexually with one person in the interim.

 

Hence, it appears no ground rules for the separation were established, the separation wasn't legal (meaning adjudicated) and the OP at all times was seeking to reconcile and this perspective was evident to his spouse during her period of separate living. She made the choice, as a married woman, without discussing the subject with her spouse, to have sexual relations with another person, by her own admission. That is unverifiable, unless evidence exists (a video would be nice).

 

OP, this type of interaction was common with MW's back when I was a young OM. Lack of clear communication. By leaving everything 'ambiguous', there's more wiggle room to 'explain' things. That's simply a tactic. Does it work? Yes! It often does.

 

What you want to decide is whether or not you wish to remain married to someone who has this perspective of 'none of your business' and 'didn't tell you because you couldn't handle it'. If the latter was the case, why tell you now that she's back? Interesting how that works. You can 'handle it' now that she's back?

 

Regardless of what happens, with the sex bell rung, and presumably the emotion bell too, unless your wife is known for casual sex in her past, it's going to be a long road to working things out, since you now have to process this disclosure with all the other 'stuff' that precipitated the events. I don't envy you.

 

Having been married and reflecting on a lifetime of interactions, I'd move on, be a good co-parent, and consider the events as valid parts of the past.

[Michelle ma Belle]

For many couples, the "rules" surrounding a separation aren't as black and white as one might think unless they've agreed to create one and post it to the fridge OR they're deeply religious, in which case they probably wouldn't be contemplating it at all

 

I agree with some posters that not only did your wife walk out on your marriage without any good explanation but she also refused to talk about anything regarding the "rules" of your separation.

 

I think carhill hit the nail on the head saying that by leaving everything ambiguous, there's more wiggle room. Basically it's just another way for her to NOT take any responsibility for anything including her own actions.

 

Regardless, I for one don't see anything wrong with dating and/or sleeping with other people during a separation, legal or otherwise. In fact, I almost expect couples to do this if only to test the waters again for however short of long they have. Sometimes that can make one realize how good they had it and it CAN help mend a marriage. And sometimes it goes in the other direction.

 

Having said that, I think it is not only considered cheating but also grossly disrespectful if either partner engages in such a way WHILE they are going through couple's counselling trying to mend their marriage. THAT is a huge no-no in my book.

 

If you ask me, your wife doesn't sound like much of a prize. The fact that she couldn't honor your marriage with a conversation letting you know how she feels or what went wrong is a HUGE red flag. She's choosing the path of least resistance AND taking no responsibility for anything to boot.

 

Let her go and move on. You deserve better than this.

Edited August 26, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[Turtles]

I think you are arguing semantics. She left you and slept with another man. What does it matter what she wants to call it? Just look at the facts. Then decide whether you can (and want to!) forgive it or not. If you don't forgive it, it doesn't matter what you call it because the marriage is over. If you do forgive it, it doesn't matter what you call it because it is forgiven.

[central]

If you separate with the intention of divorce, then anything goes, IMO - even if you eventually decide to reconcile. (You will have to deal with this, though, if you think reconciliation is worth the effort.) If you separate with the idea you may fix things, then sex with someone else is cheating, IMO.

 

When it's ambiguous, then you have to decide what you can live with if one or both have sex with others. Personally, I think it's not worth the reconciliation effort if this happens, but individual circumstances and reasons will differ.

[slizl]

I think separation is different than divorce. Separation means to me that you are trying to work things out and you should not even date anyone, let alone sleep with someone. Once you file for divorce, although technically married, I'm okay with dating and sleeping with other people.

[Oberfeldwebel]

If you did not agree that seeing others was ok, then it is not. What is actually worse is the fact that she thinks it is none of your business and either you accept or walk. If you accept, understand that you are a minority partner in this relationship. I don't know how long she stay as she has excepted no responsibility for what she did. While you two share the reasons for the downfall in the relationship, but the affair is all on her. It doesn't help you to just sweep it under the rug, it will just rear its ugly head again.

[whichwayisup]

if the intention of the separation is just for space and time to figure things out, then dating or having sex with others is a no-no! if the intention is to divorce and it's only a matter of time until that happens, then dating/sex is fine.

 

We separated in February(she did not me) with no real explanation, just got the usual "it's not working" & "I just don't love you anymore" crap. Tried to sit down and talk but just got the typical brick wall.

 

Sounds like she met someone. Before you two separated...

[Akashsingh]

I have been through the same situation. I think she was not fulfilled sexually with you. So she separated and slept with another man. Guess what she found out, sex with him was not much different. So she came back. Its upto you if you want this relationship, but, you both have serious immaturity problems to sort out. I know this because I have been through the same. Infact I was the one who slept outside marriage and then thought, it was no better. It seems, your wife doesn't have any self control. She is bound to sleep outside the marriage again unless you both seek intensive counseling. My personal opinion is that divorce does not solve anything, you just don't deal with a bad feeling or a person you hate anymore. If you love your wife then trying for divorce is a bad idea.

 

Also don't stay married for the kids. Its your life and she is your partner. Ask yourself if you want her for the rest of the life. If not, the situation will just get more complicated later.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think separation is different than divorce. Separation means to me that you are trying to work things out and you should not even date anyone, let alone sleep with someone. Once you file for divorce, although technically married, I'm okay with dating and sleeping with other people.

 

Not necessarily.

 

There are MANY couples who see a separation (legal or otherwise / trial or permanent) as an official hiatus from each other. This usually means that almost anything is fair game during this time.

 

Unless a couple is very explicit in their marital hiatus expectations and/or actively seeking or participating in couple's counselling it is NOT a given that every couple is trying to work things out.

 

Whether or not YOU are comfortable dating and/or sleeping with a woman who is technically married is another thing altogether.

[No Limit]

During that one year your marriage only exists on a piece of paper - personally, dating someone else (as long as you really don't want to reconcile) in the meantime is perfectly okay with me.

 

Nonetheless I'd probably want to be alone for a while - build myself back together, get used to being alone and standing on my own feet again etc. Normally the rest would figure itself out in time, plus it raises your chances for dates when you aren't emotionally crippled, or at least capable of shutting those negative emotions off for a while.

[aMguilts]

sorry

this exact thing reminds of friends

ross and rachael

where they were on a `breakup`?

breakup, separation same thing?

 

 

and they weren`t even married

but you see where I`m coming from

 

 

personally (yes I`m male)

I cant even think about sleeping with another person

let alone doing it

I wouldn`t be able to

just gross`s me out

easiest way to get over someone is to get under another?

so `they` say

I couldn`t

but then that`s just me

aM

Edited August 27, 2014 by aMguilts

[Chi townD]

It depends. Most all states require a period of separation in order to divorce. Now, there are couples are dead set on divorcing. Some don't even want to see each other ever again. So, in situations where there is no chance of reconciliation between either party, then it doesn't matter what you do. You've already determined that you're never going back.

 

 

In this case, she separated and within a week was screwing someone else. No mourning the loss of you or the marriage. Then, after she got some strange, NOW she wants to work things out. Sorry, but if she separated from you in order to sleep with someone else; then come back...well that's cheating.

 

 

And sorry, it IS your business to know this. She screwed someone else. You have the right to know if you're being exposed to possible STD's. Most cheaters rarely use protection. You have the right to know if her little side action got her pregnant. You have the right to know that she isn't passing off someone else's kid as yours.

[jackslife]

Reading these posts it's clear that different people have different opinions as to whether separation allows or doesn't allow a separated person to sleep with someone else. You thought you shouldn't, your wife thought you should.

 

If someone leaves home to get their head together intending to return to rebuild their M, they will behave differently from someone who sees the separation as the first step to divorce.

 

It is done now. You agreed to separate (or she left), she has slept with someone else and is now back. The semantics argument is no longer relevant, all that is relevant is "Do you want your wife back?" If you do then work on reconciliation, if not then divorce. The details re children and property can all be checked up on the internet.

 

Do you want your wife back? That is the question you should be asking.

Edited August 29, 2014 by jackslife

[oldshirt]

Your wife is playing you for a fool and she is walking all over you.

 

She checked out of the marriage a long long time ago but just hasn't gotten around to doing the paperwork yet.

 

You aren't getting, she intentionally left so that she could be with other people and have sex with them/him.

 

The reason she contacted you one night was because he didn't want her fulltime and only wanted her as a pump and dump and it bruised her ego and made her feel lonely.

She wasn't sincere about wanting to get back together.

 

You are holding on to fantasies and chasing ghosts here.

 

The only sensible thing you can do is get a lawyer and protect yourself and your assets.

[Mr. Lucky]

Once only and I do believe her about that as she's not overly keen on it...If you know what I mean.

So according to you, she's disloyal, has poor boundaries, doesn't communicate well and doesn't like sex (at least with you!).

 

Why do you want her back :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky