Met someone still married

[YelloJane]

After my husband kicked me out(there was no cheating or anything), left me without money, stayed with my completely paid off car, i have nothing i flew back home to stay with my family until i can get on my own two feet again. I want to file for divorce but my husband will not allow it at least not for now because he is making more money been married (he is military) so it benefits him, since he gets all the benefits of housing allowances etc, he is in the process of moving off base with his buddies etc. I have no income can't get a car to move around.

 

I am super super broke no money for food, basic necessities and my parents can't help as much as they would like to they have their own concerns.

I want to get divorced regardless, i don't care for compensation since my husband won't give me any financial support anyway, i just want this marriage to be over so that i can move on with my life.

 

I met someone, its not love, its not anything, i just see it as a light at the end of a very dark tunnel, i take it as a friendship but it made me realize i want to be even more divorced now because i feel i can't ever move on.

 

Im scared to bump in to his family and for them to see me with someone and start things up i just can't live like this. I have been with my husband since i was 16 years old and i am done, he is abusive, aggressive and just not a good partner not the person i see myself having children with he is so immature still i haven't even cried a tear since i got on that plane when he threw me out and had to fly back home with nothing.

 

This new guy i am talking to i keep my distance because i don't want to get in trouble since i am still technically married. My husband a few days ago told me you don't need to know what am doing or where am at or who i am with that is not your problem, he can be seen with other people yet i am the one that has to thread lightly and walk on eggshells. I married a monster seriously i was so dumb and blind and now i can't even move on because he won't give me a divorce.

 

should i still see this new guy? I feel its so wrong but me and my husband live on either side of the world he does not care, he wants to pretty much live his life waste money party go out, and i am home alone, with not one friend to talk to.

 

Any advice on this situation, would you pursue the new friendship? because i am not taking it more than what it is and he did invite me to the movies but i don't want to be seen by his family that lives here and for my divorce to get worse idk what to do. My husband is stationed in another side of the world close to africa and i am here in the states but his family lives here though. I already know the marriage is over and am glad he was a horrible partner and i am glad it was now than later before it got worse, i made peace with it and want to move on but until my divorce is not finalized i feel i can't.

Edited August 25, 2014 by YelloJane

[carhill]

If you live in the US, there's no way your H cannot 'allow it'. You simply go down to the courthouse, fill out the filing documents, fill out a destitution waiver to request assistance with filing fees and get the documents filed. Your court may even have a self-help section staffed by employees who assist with the filing process but do not dispense legal advice. Check with your court.

 

My advice is to focus on the divorce process first and other men second. Yep, it's fine to socialize but that kind of distraction will also make it easy to shove the divorce process to the back burner and you'll be out there dating as a married woman who hasn't filed for divorce. In my demographic, that isn't a problem as men often date married women but it could be in yours, meaning dating to build a healthy relationship. It all depends on the men and their views on such matters, along with how in-demand women are.

[carhill]

Yep, the folks at the county courthouse, or their web site, since you apparently have internet access!, will have all the information on timelines, filing fees, documents (I downloaded ours right off their web site), and residency requirements, etc. The individual court, presuming you can't afford to retain a lawyer, is the best place to start. However, also check with a couple lawyers to see if they offer free initial consultations. If so, gather a list of questions, along with the facts of your case, and make use of their free time to learn!

 

Lastly, see if your court has referrals to no-cost or low-cost legal/mediation help. In our case, we got a 3L whose dad was a law firm partner and the kid did a bang-up job on our mediation settlement, which my lawyer reviewed, and he did it for *free*.

 

If you want to get divorced, there are ways which take very little to no money. Of course, finding work is important to getting back on your feet but don't feel that you have to be swimming in money to move forward on a divorce. There are resources out there to help you. All I had to do was stand in line at the courthouse clerks office and interact with their self-help staff to see that. Lots of people without money getting divorced.

[oldshirt]

divorces in America do not require both parties to consent to the divorce. If you want a divorce, get one whether your spouse agrees to it or not.

 

 

Also, service members are not allowed to cut off and financially abandon their authorized dependents. The military has no issue with garnishing wages of service members who cut off their dependents without proper authorization.

 

 

put this other dude on hold for awhile and get to a legitimate family law attorney who has experience in working with the military legal system and can contact the JAG office of the base you H is at and get you the proper support you are entitled to and begin the divorce proceedings.

[YelloJane]

Thanks so much everyone for such helpful information! I figured i don't have anything and neither does my husband why is it so scary expensive and your right i see poor broke others getting divorced all the time what gives. So i contacted a legal office close to me that is a military branch and i think they might be able to help. I did email him to tell him what i am planning on doing because i didn't want to blindside him or anything just want to keep the communication, i know he will be furious once he reads it though. I just don't want to drag this on any longer just because it benefits him and i can't even be at peace by myself because i am still attached to him somehow and somehow thats always there i just want to rid of this marriage and him and pretend it never happened i am getting closer and closer to 30 i don't have time to waste anymore. To be honest i want no compensation what so ever just to have no connection with him any longer.

 

about the new guy i don't see it as more than what it is because of my experience i just see it as a new friend i don't want a relationship right now, for heavens sake i have been with one guy all my life until now that i am trying to divorce him, how sad right i forgot what flirting is or what is like!

 

I am disappointed, i had such strong feelings towards marriage and partnership etc now i don't want to ever get married again because i feel it was supposed to be a one time thing and i lost my chance and i was not one of the lucky ones and this just really gets me i feel i am tainted or something now.

Edited August 25, 2014 by YelloJane

[mammasita]

Your husband is military, then you have an ID card, therefore you have benefits. USE THEM.

[carhill]

OP, since your H 'kicked you out', ostensibly without your consent, it's possible the tenets of abandonment may apply:

 

"In family law, abandonment is the act of deliberately leaving one's spouse without consent (or, in many cases, notification) and with no intent to return. If your service member spouse has left you, you should know that you do have rights and are entitled to support.

 

Your military benefits

If your service member spouse has abandoned you and your family, it is important to remember that you are still technically married to him or her. As the spouse of a service member, you are entitled to various benefits from the military. These include, but are not limited to:

 

Housing/housing allowance. Housing allowances are an additional monetary amount paid to service members in lieu of furnished quarters. When a service member has dependents, the amount of the allowance is increased to support both the service member and his or her family. If your spouse has abandoned your family, you should be entitled to a portion of this allowance.

 

Military ID card. As a military spouse, your military ID card is the key to accessing all of the benefits to which you are entitled. This includes access to the military installation, shopping privileges at the commissary and exchanges, and support from various military services available on the installation. Please note that your service member cannot take your military ID away from you. Your ID is not the property of the service member; it is the property of the Federal Government. As a spouse, you are entitled to this ID and should notify your spouse's command if he or she tries to take it from you.

 

Medical benefits. You are entitled to medical benefits through your spouse until your divorce is final. Under certain circumstances, you may keep your medical benefits even after a divorce, but this generally applies to couples married for longer periods of time.

Installation support services/chain of command. As a spouse, you have access to child care facilities aboard the installation, counseling services, and military legal assistance attorneys that can help you work through divorce proceedings. Additionally, with access to the installation comes access to the chain of command to help locate your spouse and receive support from him or her."

 

Source

 

The reason I'm focusing on this instead of the other person in this dynamic, the man you met, is because there's a lot to go through getting a divorce and it can be a real pain in the ass, especially if it's contested and/or people don't get along. It's very distracting and, in many ways, like a death. Women on these forums often advise another woman to never date a man who is in the process of divorce, at least in any serious way. I think that's good advice, and applies equally. Make friends, get a job, get a divorce and you'll meet many men along the way.