Talking to your children when they are with their other parent

[Hope4thefuture]

Is it wrong to want to say goodnight to my children when my ex has them? I am not saying monopolize his time with them. I only talk for about 5 minutes. Just to say goodnight and I love them.

 

The reason I ask is because we call him every night. I just think it's nice to be able to say good night to them. However when they go to his house I never get a phone call. I see them during the day so I say my goodbyes before they leave. However when I don't see them over the weekend it would be nice to be able to hear their voice and say good night and I love you. Am I crazy or overreacting to this situation?

[M30USA]

Is it wrong to want to say goodnight to my children when my ex has them? I am not saying monopolize his time with them. I only talk for about 5 minutes. Just to say goodnight and I love them.

 

The reason I ask is because we call him every night. I just think it's nice to be able to say good night to them. However when they go to his house I never get a phone call. I see them during the day so I say my goodbyes before they leave. However when I don't see them over the weekend it would be nice to be able to hear their voice and say good night and I love you. Am I crazy or overreacting to this situation?

 

I had a counselor during my divorce who recommended that I not call my children daily. He said it's important that they aren't constantly torn between two places and constantly reminded of what they don't have at the moment. It's good for them to just enjoy the company of whichever parent they are with and not be reminded of the missing parent. He said parents that overdo phone calls typically are doing it for themselves and not the children. This is why I only speak to my children on the phone every other day, or sometimes every third day. My ex still calls every single day.

[Monodare1]

It's a difficult one, the ex will only allow me to FaceTime my son every Tuesday and Thursday, it only lasts about 5 minutes as my son is only 3 and a half and is a bit of a whirlwind. When I have my son at the weekend, she doesn't speak to him unless he really wants to, but half the time he refuses and doesn't want to.

[TAV]

My kids are teenagers so they have more of a free choice in things. On my part I have always encouraged them to see or speak to their dad as much as they need to in between the bi-weekly weekend visit. He lives nearby so they have the option to visit him whenever they want and they both have their own cell phones.

 

I also try to not burden them too much with stuff like: 'I'm going to miss you so' etc. Something a good friend of mine who is a stepparent has taught me since her husband's ex upsets her children by being so clingy.

 

When they are with him he does not encourage any contact. He even feels threatened by it. He feels they are talking behind his back and feels they are disloyal. Of course this is very hard on the children. At first I therefore waited till one of the kids felt the need to contact me and did not initiate any contact (which is very hard but their welfare goes before mine).

 

Since the relationship between the kids and him had been deteriorating before the recent school holidays (he finds it very hard to see them as teenagers and not little kids anymore plus he is self-absorbed and burdens them with his grief over missing them, makes them feel guilty) I was quite anxious for them to go there for 2 weeks, also because I do not consider him mentally very strong at the moment and therefore I demanded a text msg from them mornings and evenings, just to know how things were going. I even felt selfish doing that but I knew otherwise I would not sleep and stop being anxious.

 

The good news is that the 2 weeks together seems to have improved their bond and that he now initiates regular contact when they are with me (also because my children had a talk with him about how this is his responsibility too).

 

I find it interesting to read M30USA's input. Food for thought.

[Hope4thefuture]

Thank you! I didn't want to seem like an overbearing mom. It is important for the boys to have their time with their dad. So I will let up on the phone calls.

 

So should I stop making them call their dad each night? The reason I ask is because when we haven't called in the past he will text me asking why we didn't call.

 

Should it be the same for both of us?

 

They don't see their dad as much as they see me. That is the reason I have them call him. But there are many times where the boys just don't feel like talking. So should I not force them to call him?

[veggielover]

I am very interested in this thread, as we will be moving in 8 days now.

 

My daughter is 5. She has spent the night away from me many times, as she stays with her grandparents often. However, she wants to talk to me each morning and every night before bed. This is her decision. I always ask, and she says yes. It's usually only for 5 minutes.

 

My STBX just got an iPhone, so they can face time. I'm ok with that.. as long as he does this before bedtime, and it's on her terms. He tends to not care about these things, so I'll probably be the bad guy when he calls after she goes to bed, and I say no. And if she doesn't want to talk.. it's probably going to be my fault too.

 

I know when she stays with him, she will want to call to say goodnight. She is very much a mama's girl. I worry about what my STBX will do when she wants to call. I want it to be on her terms. If she wants to call.. she can. If she doesn't, then she doesn't have to.

 

M30USA.. I really am interested in what your counselor said. I don't want my daughter torn. I think that's why I want things to be done on her terms. If she wants to call my STBX, then fine. If not, then she shouldn't HAVE to.

 

Definitely something for us to hash out, as we create our parenting plan for the future.

[d0nnivain]

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

Assuming you can speak civilly, talk to your EX about a plan. Tell him that you are happy to have the children call him to say good night but you expect the same courtesy. If he won't do it for you, then you stop doing in for him.

 

When the kids are older, get them cell phones.

[TheBladeRunner]

I think that early on, and depending where you are BOTH at will dictate whether you should do this or not. The first year after DDay and separation for me it wasn't gonna' happen. She would call and if I had my daughter the phone was not getting answered. As things evened out between the XW, me, and the kid it opened up. These days my daughter might call her twice a day, sometimes not at all either way now I don't care.

 

I did just get a text from her last night wanting to "do something as a family"....mmmmm.....ahhhhh.......NO! I don't think so....haven't gotten to that point yet .

[bentleychic]

We do not do this, but they know that they can call or text EITHER of us at any time, whether they are with myself or their father. They're also welcome to ask to see us, no matter who has them. I.e their dad only takes them one night every other weekend, but if they feel like they need to see me, he has no problem with me stopping over for a few minutes. It's happened a few times and we're both okay with it. It's not uncommon for him to call sometimes and ask if he can come over and see the kids, either.

 

We might have sucked as husband and wife, but we're really trying to be good as co-parents.

[Hope4thefuture]

I appreciate the feedback. All of this is still new to me. When the boys started going back and forth between my house and their dad's place they wanted to talk every night. It was an adjustment for them, and I always put their needs first.

 

My ex would get upset when the boys didn't feel like talking to him, and would blame me that we called at the wrong time. It got a little better. We called him every night.

 

I am getting used to them not calling me now . It was hard at first, but it has been a couple of weekends.

 

I am not trying to get revenge. However if they don't call me, I shouldn't have to call him right? It should work both ways.

[beach]

How old are they?

 

Why do you say WE? Who is we? Why not just you?

[bathtub-row]

I think it should probably different in the beginning than it will be as time goes by. You should do what the kids are comfortable with, not with what you want. Sometimes that helps clarify things. I don't really think it's necessary. I think the most important thing is for your kids to know that they can call you or their dad whenever they want or need to. As long as that doesn't get over-used, it should work.

 

My husband and I separated when my son was 3 (21 yrs ago). My son was terrified that I was going to move out without him but I assured him that wasn't going to happen. After that, he was fine. He wasn't, and still isn't, close to his dad. He absolutely hated being at his dad's but, regardless, I felt it was important for him to have a relationship with his dad. There was no abuse so it was merely a conflict of personalities (still is). It's very challenging, though, when a kid really doesn't like one of their parents. If you don't have that problem, you're way ahead of the game.

 

I also had issues with my ex wanting to impose his restrictions at his house on my house (because he's a control freak). So it was challenging dealing with him for the first couple of years. He's one of those people who doesn't understand boundaries so he made things difficult.

 

However, we never argued in front of our son, always attended events that involved our son, and hugged one another as a greeting. I still do that to this day. He's the father of my son and that's that. The main thing is, our son didn't have to worry about how his parents were going to behave when they were in the same room together. And as much as my son has complained about his dad over the years, I would only let that go so far and then I would stop him if I felt it was getting disrespectful. I also made sure he understood that even though his dad has flaws, just like everyone else, I knew that he loved his dad, and that I loved his dad. Yeah, his dad is a piece of work in reality but still...

 

I do recall that in the beginning, we tried to keep things somewhat open so that our son would realize that he wasn't being deserted by either parent. However, our son started playing games with us -- dad won't let me watch tv, etc. We caught on to that pretty quickly and our son eventually stopped trying to play us against one another.

 

It was disturbing, though, when I heard relatives of my ex's family tell me that me son was a completely different person around his dad. Where he was happy and carefree around me, he apparently became a robot when he was with his dad. I learned that this was my son's way of coping.

 

Despite all that, each parent has something to teach a child and my son learned a lot of things from his dad. He also has learned how to cope with difficult personalities. But if anyone said anything about his dad and I getting back together, my son would panic. The truth is, he didn't want to be around his dad all the time. Neither did I, but I wasn't his child. This has always saddened me but since my ex has never learned from his mistakes, I figure he has created that all by himself.

 

I think that even though all those dynamics were going on, our son knew that, for the most part, his dad and I were on the same page about the important things -- pay attention in school, make good grades, didn't allow him to watch violence, etc. Every year, at least one teacher would tell me that they couldn't believe our son was from a divorced family. It took a few years of hearing this for me to understand the significance of what these teachers were saying. Also, whenever there were problems at school, open houses, etc., his dad and I both showed up.

 

I think the biggest thing is for the kids to know that you're there for them, even if you're not physically present. They know they're taken care of and that they're loved. The other thing is to not ever talk about your ex within earshot of the kids. They identify very strongly with each parent so when they hear you criticize the other parent, they internalize that. Show your kids that you and their dad are on the same page with big things; and when you do disagree, your kids learn that they've got to respect the separate rules at each home. It all can work very well, I have a wonderful son who is very balanced and successful, and you can raise wonderful kids in the midst of all this. Just don't make the mistake of treating them as though divorce is a crutch for them to lean on. If you treat it with respect, so will they.

Edited August 25, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Hope4thefuture]

By we, I mean my boys and I. However I guess I should just say I since I am the one having them call their dad. They are 11, 8, and 6.

[Hope4thefuture]

Reading through all your posts has made me feel better. I will make sure my kids know they can call their dad anytime they need too. I know he is an important part in their lives.

 

I will be ok with not talking to them each night. When we have our time together I will always make the best of it. I will cherish our time together as a new family unit.

 

Thanks again for listening to me. It helps me through these difficult moments in my life!

[trippi1432]

We might have sucked as husband and wife, but we're really trying to be good as co-parents.

 

This is the most honest, and unselfish, answer I've seen on this subject so far.

[Hope4thefuture]

I agree!! I would love to co-parent. Both of us thinking of our boys

well-being and what is best for them and not us. Is that possible if we are so different?

[bentleychic]

If you both agree, absolutely. ExH and I were horrible co-parents when we lived together. We did not agree on most ways to parent. He still doesn't agree with a lot of how I parent (he's more of a heavy hand, I am not), but I love that when I'm having hard issues with one of my kids (especially the older teens) I can call him and get his opinion. Sometimes for the REALLY hard stuff, I just call to bounce ideas off of him and he'll reply "Give me 5 minutes. I'll be right over so we can talk to him/her together."

 

Don't get me wrong, we still disagree on a lot, but we TRY to do things and make decisions together in the best interest of the kids. Even though we're no longer married, it's still very important (to us and I think to them) to see us as a united front, especially on the big stuff.

 

It's not at all uncommon for one of us to call the other and say "I have an issue with X kid, this is the issue, this is what *I* think needs to be done. If you agree or do not have an opinion, can you please back me up so we can be a united front on it?"

[jakrbbt]

I had a counselor during my divorce who recommended that I not call my children daily. He said it's important that they aren't constantly torn between two places and constantly reminded of what they don't have at the moment. It's good for them to just enjoy the company of whichever parent they are with and not be reminded of the missing parent. He said parents that overdo phone calls typically are doing it for themselves and not the children.

 

Yes, this sounds like very solid advice. Now I can see how horrible and sort of surreal it would feel to not have access to your own flesh-and-blood child who was your baby from day 1. But that-- though understandable-- is about you. When I put myself in the child's shoes, I can completely see how much happier it would be to just be with the parent he or she is with. After all, kids of divorced parents get to learn quickly how to be in two different households-- each with its own conditions and associations.

 

What might ease your mind is to make sure that the amount of time apart from each parent is appropriate for the child's developmental age. For instance, if a kid is 18 months old, some experts would say that it's ideal to have no more than a day or 2 away from either parent at a stretch. But for a 4 or 5 year old, totally different-- maybe several days is perfectly fine. So in that case, if the time apart from dad is fine, then why have dad call? And of course, kids adjust to ALL KINDS of situations as long as they know both parents love them, so don't make yourself crazy over-thinking that one, especially if you already have a parenting-time agreement in place and can't easily modify it.