Post Divorce Mess

[Gahn]

A few years ago, I got sick of my wife's incessant complaining and negativity so much that I went onto a dating site and went on one date with another woman. I didn't do anything with that woman even though our date went well. I felt bad about it so much that I assumed something was just wrong with our marriage. So I moved out and left my wife alone to find a new apartment.

 

Over the next two years, she tried to win me back. During this time I dated many women while still seeing her during our separation. Then after 2 years of this, she got fed up and dropped off. She now lives 8 hours away in a different city, changed her phone and email, and I have no way of contacting her. I feel like I made a big mistake. I sent her gifts and told her the truth about everything that happened, but she was not interested in me anymore.

 

She cut contact completely, moved to a different address, and I had no real option but to divorce her 4 months later.

 

That was 9 months ago. I haven't seen her in 13 months now and every day I deeply miss her. I have no friends. I have tried online dating, but every woman finds me repulsive. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying my best to move on, but it feels like I'm cursed at this point. More recently I went on 6 dates with 5 different women and none of them were really interested in me and all dropped off. I couldn't take anymore pain from the rejection so I deleted my online dating profile. Now all I have is my lonely apartment, my guitar, my baseball team, my job, and my online classes. Needless to say, these things are not very fulfilling compared to a wonderful woman with a perfect sense of humor like my ex wife.

 

I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. Someone please help me.

[daisydook]

Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for. Her incessant bitching seems small and mundane now. I'm sorry you realized this too late. While you were out screwing around, she was begging for you to come home for 2 years.

 

If she comes back, you'd be lucky. I wouldn't bank on it.

[jakrbbt]

I bet not every woman finds you "repulsive." Online dating can be weird in that so many people are shopping-- they try this or that on, pick through it all, end up with what they think is "best" for their situation. The upshot is, a lot of rejection. I don't think that 13 months is all that long actually, to find someone in the online dating arena. Especially given the sort of superficial film that can cover the whole ordeal AND especially while you are still grieving. It can take quite a while to meet a person with whom you can develop a rewarding relationship. My advice is: 1) Remember that it is a relationship you're looking for, not just a woman; and 2) remember that it is a relationship SHE is looking for, whoever she is out there-- not just some perfect guy.

 

I can tell you that I have dated some men who were wonderful and very attractive, but for whatever reason I just quit calling. Various things-- either I was kind of interested in someone else, or the chemistry was not there, or there were practical considerations.

 

It is my strong opinion that you need some very good friends. I don't know why it's harder to make friends these days, but some of your activities sound great for making good friends. Friends of friends (of friends .. . ) is always a great way to meet someone anyway. Can you go back to school or take some classes somewhere? That's an excellent way to jump-start your social life.

 

To me it sounds like you are grieving, perfectly normal and also not permanent. I do not think that a woman will ever fill the void or make everything all better. Pining after romance is totally fine, but you have got to take care of yourself too. Find out what things have meaning in your life, and do them. Develop all the other aspects of your social life. Go volunteer at nursing homes if you have to-- those people are very happy for a new friend most the time.

 

Find out what YOU have to offer, and have fun working on it. Then when the right woman comes along (and she will), you are very likely to have a great and fulfilling relationship together.

 

And by the way, the constant complaining can be a huge problem in a relationship. It can signal significant incompatibility, or power struggles where the couple is in a cycle of criticism and defensiveness. Maybe your relationship with your ex was doomed in more ways than one. You don't have to re-write history. Move on, and focus on your future.

Edited August 24, 2014 by jakrbbt

[aMguilts]

A few years ago, I got sick of my wife's incessant complaining and negativity so much that I went onto a dating site and went on one date with another woman. I didn't do anything with that woman even though our date went well. I felt bad about it so much that I assumed something was just wrong with our marriage. So I moved out and left my wife alone to find a new apartment.

 

Over the next two years, she tried to win me back. During this time I dated many women while still seeing her during our separation. Then after 2 years of this, she got fed up and dropped off. She now lives 8 hours away in a different city, changed her phone and email, and I have no way of contacting her. I feel like I made a big mistake. I sent her gifts and told her the truth about everything that happened, but she was not interested in me anymore.

 

She cut contact completely, moved to a different address, and I had no real option but to divorce her 4 months later.

 

That was 9 months ago. I haven't seen her in 13 months now and every day I deeply miss her. I have no friends. I have tried online dating, but every woman finds me repulsive. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying my best to move on, but it feels like I'm cursed at this point. More recently I went on 6 dates with 5 different women and none of them were really interested in me and all dropped off. I couldn't take anymore pain from the rejection so I deleted my online dating profile. Now all I have is my lonely apartment, my guitar, my baseball team, my job, and my online classes. Needless to say, these things are not very fulfilling compared to a wonderful woman with a perfect sense of humor like my ex wife.

 

I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. Someone please help me.

 

 

try a different dating site?

aM

[No Limit]

Everyone gives up sooner or later. There's nothing you can do about her anymore.

 

Good luck with your future dates!

[BeingMe]

As long as you blame your ex for your own choices, you will not be attractive to women.

[bathtub-row]

I think you're idealizing a relationship that you felt so bad in that you wanted out. Now that you've minimized how bad it was, you think you want her back. Trust me, if the two of you got back together, it would be the same thing all over again.

 

Hate to tell you but dating sites stink for the most part and they can really screw up your self-confidence. Go to places where you can meet women face-to-face instead of all the online nonsense. Yeah, it's hard sometimes to ask women out but if you get involved in things you like, you could make connections.

 

I'm not sure that women find you repulsive. If you're still talking about your divorce, I can guarantee you that's a complete turn-off to women because it screams "I'm not over it." I have friend who still talks about his divorce even though it has been 15 yrs. This woman was a nightmare and it's not that he wants her back, he's just still angry about it all. My son's dad does the same thing; still talking about our divorce and how he was the 'perfect husband' as he once said to me. Right. I left a perfect man. Got to be kidding.

 

I think you just need to make peace with your divorce and then make peace with your life. Make some friends -- guy friends -- people that you can do things and hang out with. Once you're more centered, you're more likely to meet someone that resonates with you.

[Rick_B]

I'd say focus on playing that guitar !

 

Ok I'm joking but learn to live with yourself, have hobbies and make friends!!

Women can smell desperation from a mile away - we all have phases of feeling worthless and ugly - it's just a phase but you do need to get yourself out of it.

For me it was exercise and music!

 

Rb

[carhill]

It's perfectly normal to remember this:

 

wonderful woman with a perfect sense of humor like my ex wife.

 

While forgetting this:

 

my wife's incessant complaining and negativity

 

Just keep doing what you're doing. It'll work out. If dating other women remind you of your exW, then stop dating other women. Do stuff with friends instead. Recovery from divorce is a process.

 

I recall, when I took my exW down to the courthouse to file our dissolution papers, I didn't even recognize her, it had been over a year since we split up. We filed, had lunch and I wouldn't see her again for years. It's been a good life. Like I said, it'll work out.