STBX Inlaws.. how much to tell?

[veggielover]

A little background to start: Married for almost ten years. Husband has mental illness (diagnosed about a year after marriage). He has never told my inlaws. He doesn't think they would understand. Years of medication, illness etc, has taken it's toll. We have not been happy. We had decided to separate.. for what I thought was a "let's give it some space". I suggested therapy for us. He really didn't say yes or no (typical of our "serious" conversations over the years... again, I believe medication related).

 

I was sad.. but ok with the decision. Fast forward a few days. I find out he's been online looking for "someone" before we even had our talk. Needless to say I was very hurt. I asked him to at least wait until we move out. It would be for six weeks. He agreed.

 

I then found out about a week later, he met someone and was lying about it. I was/am very hurt. He is not even trying to hide it right now. He talks to her on the phone all the time.. they are "dating" he says. And they have slept together already. Literally makes me sick to my stomach. I now truly understand what a broken heart feels like.

 

For me, last straw. The separation is now permanent, and will lead to divorce (we have a one year waiting period). I can deal with a lot of things.. but lying and deceit is a deal breaker.

 

He finally told his parents we are separating (only 8 days to wait to move!). They are very upset. His dad is distraught. Keeps calling me saying I am his daughter.. not his daughter in law. My daughter and I need to move in with them and live there. There has to be a way to solve this. Etc. Etc.

 

I am happy they don't hate me. I was worried. My problem is that I don't know whether to tell them about the other woman. I am really wanting to, because I can't take these calls 3 times a day. Maybe if they realize he REALLY moved on, they would get it.

 

I also have considered telling them about his mental illness. I think he will need the support. I know they won't totally get it... but at least they could watch out for him.

 

I have told his sister everything. She had asked me a couple questions, and it all came out. I refuse to lie to anyone. So at least one person is aware of the entire situation. She kept apologizing for not being there when I needed someone. Even though she didn't know.

 

I still love my husband. I just can't live with him. I have been worn down with no emotional connection any more. And I'm not perfect. I closed down from him as well. It takes two to make or break a marriage.

 

I live in a different country than the rest of my family, and I won't take my daughter away from her family here. And they have been my family as well. So it's reassuring to know they still consider me part of the family. Unfortunately, I know I will have to take a step back from them when my husband decides to come clean with his new girlfriend. And I will not be able to be there as family any longer. That makes me very sad.

 

Anyway, such a long post to ask for advice. Would you tell them everything? Do they deserve to know the truth? They won't get it from him. I don't want to do it to be spiteful (ok.. honesty? Maybe a small bit, but not the main. There is still a lot of hurt here). I just need them to understand it is truly over.

 

What would you do?

[Ronni_W]

veggielover,

I'm sorry for what you're going through; it's good that you have the support of his family.

 

You might want to consider just leaving it up to his sister to give them all the details...if/when she feels it's appropriate. That is, keep yourself as far away as possible from their future (family) struggles and drama.

When they're trying to encourage reconciliation, you can just say that things are too far gone for both of you...or something else neutral.

 

I get the niggly desire to want to 'hit back' in some way. There's a quote that sometimes helps me, that goes something like, "Staying on the high road is more difficult...but the view from there is worth it."

 

Hugs.

[jakrbbt]

I don't know what you-all's situation is, but to me, from the outside looking in, his family sounds like big huge boundary-crossers. You need to divorce and move on, not have to re-hash everything with every member of his family. Are they gonna all come crawling into your marriage bed, too? Just keep telling yourself that relationships are consensual. As in BOTH people in a couple have to consent, or there is no relationship, period. You don't want to be married to him. You've made your decision, and it already is not easy, thank you very much.

 

You do not need a "Yeah but he slept with another woman" to defend your position to them.

 

Really, don't drag these boundary-crossers any more deeply into your divorce than they already are, or you'll regret it. I can understand in-laws reaching out and expressing some regret, but these people's behavior goes so far beyond that line it is thoroughly creepy. Cut them off politely. And yes, that means refraining from letting them in on the details of your marital problems and divorce. Let me reassure you that there is nothing impolite about keeping that stuff private from them. If they won't recognize that you are being polite, that just means that they can't handle the very reasonable boundary that you have put up.

[veggielover]

thank you for the replies.

 

Ronnie... I thought that it was to be up to my SIL to tell them.. I think I needed some verification, as my mind isn't completely working at the moment.

 

And I love that quote. I have bitten my tongue so much in the past few weeks, as I really want to keep things good for my daughter. It's just frustrating sometimes to be the only one on that high road. I've been really considering getting "this too shall pass" tattooed on my wrist. I've thought about that for a few years (we've gone through some rough times with some medical issues with her). Now does seem like a good time.

 

jakrbbt.. I appreciate the view from the outside.. that's why I posted here. You are right.. there are no boundaries in their family.. they are Italian afterall.. hahaha! I still need some contact with them.. as my daughter is very close to them. They will still be calling to talk to her during the week.. so it's going to be tough. Eventually, when she is older, I will get her a cell.. and she can talk to them that way. She is only 5, so not quite ready for her own phone.

 

I will continue to keep this from them... unless they ask me directly... which I really don't think will happen.

[d0nnivain]

Since you already told his sister, you need to come clean with you ILs. Be as generous to your STBX as you can in the telling; ILs won't be on your side anyway so you may as well take the high road.

 

If you hadn't blabbed to your SIL I would have advised that you say things like: there are things going on in my marriage that you are not aware. It's really H's story to tell so you need to talk to him. I enjoyed being in your family but that's ending now. When things settle down, I'll reach out to make arrangements for you to see the grandkids (if that's an issue)

[veggielover]

 

If you hadn't blabbed to your SIL I would have advised that you say things like: there are things going on in my marriage that you are not aware. It's really H's story to tell so you need to talk to him. I enjoyed being in your family but that's ending now. When things settle down, I'll reach out to make arrangements for you to see the grandkids (if that's an issue)

 

This is what I've told my FIL.. that it's not my place to tell them everything behind the divorce.. it's up to STBX. And I've been very clear there is fault on both sides, without giving them details. Again, I told my SIL because she asked me some direct questions, and I refuse to lie.

 

Maybe I didn't convey it correctly.. but the problem is they already ARE on my side, if there is a side to be taken. They are not officially aware of STBX's mental illness diagnosis, but they do know his behaviors. They want my daughter and I to live with them, because this isn't fair to us. I don't want them to take sides. And I definitely don't want them to be on MY side if they are to take sides. They have been my family for 10 years. However, they are truly my STBX's family. And he is going to need them. I don't want to get in the way of that. I need to be sure he is OK.

 

I am discouraging them as much as possible about doing things for me, without being mean about it. I just hope that time will make them realize there is no more hope for reconciliation.

[d0nnivain]

Well it sounds like everybody is doing the best they can under the circumstances. Be grateful they are nice people & keep refusing the bigger offers of help.

[whichwayisup]

Tell them. But let them know how devastating this is for you and that this is all on him. He met someone and has cheated on you, so no matter how much you love him, cheating is something that you will not tolerate in the marriage. This way you won't be painted as the bad guy in this...

 

What type of mental illness does he have? Did he ever seek treatment?

[veggielover]

whichwayisup... he was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. He was diagnosed within a year of us being married.

 

He started on medication.. which I attribute to a lot of our problems, along with the illness. The meds he was on made him pretty much a zombie... but still paranoia was present. He had a few med changes.. and the paranoia never went away. About 8 months ago he began to adjust his meds (he says with his psych doctor's permission, I don't know). He has got away from being emotionless... however, I now feel he is in a manic state. He has done a lot of things without worrying about the consequences lately. He seems to have a lot of ego stuff going on too.. he's the ONLY one in the world that ________ (fill in the blank). He's the only one that cares about the world.. he's not able to work a regular job because he's not normal and doesn't have to follow rules... etc. He's not sleeping even half what he was before, he's now "dating" someone, he's lied to me.. all things that he has never done before.

 

We never went out, because his paranoia caused anxiety, and it wasn't a good thing. We would NEVER go downtown... that's horrible. Now, he is going out with his "girlfriend" and seems ok with it.

 

This is the reason I told his sister everything. When we moved two years ago, his paranoia got worse for a few weeks. I don't know what's going to happen to him when we move out now. Maybe he'll be fine. I don't know.

[whichwayisup]

That's pretty serious and it's something his parents need to know about, even his sister knowing is good but the support he may need down the road will unfortunately fall on his parents shoulders...That type of mental illness doesn't ever go away. It can be controlled with meds and combo counseling, but he will have many lows as many with that disorder relapse and take themselves off meds as they start to feel better and feel they don't need meds anymore.

 

It isn't something you can handle on your own, loving him isn't enough... And, by his actions, making poor choices *cheating on you* is one of many things he is going to do as time goes on.

 

Sorry that you're going through this. It's good you have support and are close with his family.

[beach]

It's not his sisters story to tell.

 

Write the in laws a letter. It should come directly from you or your H.