im young and so . would like

[colette1234]

Hello!

 

I posted on here a few months back but i forgot my username. I posted about how ive been with my partner for 10 years, married for over 2. I am 27 years old so obviously we met when we were young. We have no kids and dont really plan on having them because of some health issues i have. We dont have a house or anything together really. We have separate bank accounts and pay our own bills.

 

My husband is literally the ideal man any girl would kill for. He worships the ground i walk on and would do anything for me. I feel so awful because i love him but ive never felt that way about him. As the years went on, it became harder and harder for me to be happy.

 

He is slightly controlling to the point where i dont see my friends or family bc he always gets moody and i.dont want to deal with it so i just never go see anyone. We are always with his family and friends however. He is a mamas boy and wont move more than a couple blocks away from her. I feel like im always competing with her and he will take her word over mine any day.

 

I also cannot stand.for him to touch me so obviously our sex life is barely anything.

 

We have some different goals in life such as where to live and careers which we constantly disagree about.

 

A few months ago i met someone online (i know, totallly cliche). We hit it off and have a strong chemistry between us. We met in person and totally hit it off too.

 

Please dont judge. In 10 years of being with someone i never ever even glanced at another guy. I even made an appointment with a therapist to talk about why i couldnt stand to be touched by my husband. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. But this other guy brought out feelings in me that i never had before.

 

Okay that was a short summary of everything. A couple weeks ago i told my hubs that i needed a break. I mean ive never been an.adult without being with him and i need to find out what its like. I couldnt stand feeling the way i do in the relationship for one more day.

 

The thing is, i like the space. I enjoy being by myself. I miss my husband but thats gonna happen when you spend 10 years with someone. I guess im asking advice on what others would do in this relationship. My family and friends say i owe it to my marriage to work ir out but ive tried for 10 years already. Im only 27 i cant imagine living the rest of my life the way my relationship has been.

 

This new guy, we have very strong chemistry and same interests and share the same ideas of living somewhere together. Im not saying its going to work out but we talk about it.

 

I would appreciate any kind of advice. Its really hard bc both our families are the types where people dont divorce, no matter how unhappy they are.

 

Thanks!

Edited August 23, 2014 by colette1234
forgot to add something

[stillafool]

Considering you can't stand for your H to touch you, there is but one choice and that's DIVORCE. Your cheating on him is not fair and undeserved but I'm sure you know this by now. Please tell your H you have another man ASAP and file for divorce. It doesn't matter what your families think or want. This is your marriage not theirs. I wonder what they will think when they find out you have been cheating behind your husband's back. I don't think they will be too happy about that either. File for a divorce and let your husband go free to find a woman who will love and cherish him.

Edited August 23, 2014 by stillafool

[Zeurich]

In young age married is not an excuse. I don't see any single phrase where explain what you did to work your marriage. There is no expiring dates for marriages. I think you simply don't like the bond between your husbands mother and him. If he does not like that you are seeing your friends then you better talk to him let him know how you feel. And see what happen from there. Instead of that falling on men who meet you online is not the good idea for you to do. Don't make more mess.

[d0nnivain]

You are not that young. You are definitely old enough to know better.

 

You took vows. Remember them? For better or worse; in good times and in bad; 'til death do us part.

 

Work on your marriage. Find a way to connect with your husband before you throw it away like a disposable paper plate.

 

You liked your husband enough to be with him for 10 year. You liked him enough to accept his proposal & to marry him. You describe him as the "ideal man who any woman would kill for." When he tried to control you, call him on it. Tell him he needs to respect you & don't put up with it. It you stand up to him firmly but politely he should respect that. Maybe once you stand up for yourself together you can work on the issues.

 

Make some effort to fix what is wrong rather than going outside the marriage.

[colette1234]

I stayed with him so long.because i felt like it was my duty, it wasnt out of like or love. Id rather be miserable myself than hurt someone so badly.

 

I never physically cheated. We talk and met up but nothing happened. There is definitely strong physical chemistry though. I know its still bad to be talking to another guy though.

 

Also i had been in counseling for years for anxiety caused.by a bad.car accident. It eventually transitioned to me.talking about my relationship and we came to the conclusion that him controlling me was the issue. So i confronted him and guess what, he forbade.me to see.the therapist again. So i never went back.

 

So when you say work on the marriage, ive been working on it. For 10 years. I tell him the problems i have with the relationship and he doesnt agree. He doesnt see.he is controlling so he will never stop. He blames everything on me. Theres no getting through to him.

[stillafool]

I agree you are not that young so please don't blame this on your age. You are having an emotional affair with another man. Do you work? What are you planning to do about your marriage?

[Ronni_W]

colette,

You're describing an unhealthy relationship, an unhappy marriage and a miserable life and existence for yourself that is only going to get worse.

 

You owe it to yourself to get out from under all of this and pursue your own happiness.

It does not matter how your or his respective families view divorce...they are not the ones who will be stuck in this situation feeling more and more isolated, miserable, unloved, insignificant, hopeless.

 

Get a divorce so that you can be absolutely free and clear to start creating and experiencing your own wonderful, happy, rewarding, fulfilling life.

 

Hugs and best of luck.

[colette1234]

Yes i work. Im an accountant and have a bachelors degree.

 

I dont know what im planning to do about my marriage. That is why im asking for some friendly advice.

[stillafool]

I think the first thing you should do is try to talk to your husband again and let him know how you are feeling. Make him realize you are at the point of cheating and walking out on the marriage. Maybe that will open his eyes and let him know how serious you are about a change. Still, if you can't stand for him to touch you I don't see your marriage making it.

[Teri38]

I stayed with him so long.because i felt like it was my duty, it wasnt out of like or love. Id rather be miserable myself than hurt someone so badly.

 

I never physically cheated. We talk and met up but nothing happened. There is definitely strong physical chemistry though. I know its still bad to be talking to another guy though.

 

Also i had been in counseling for years for anxiety caused.by a bad.car accident. It eventually transitioned to me.talking about my relationship and we came to the conclusion that him controlling me was the issue. So i confronted him and guess what, he forbade.me to see.the therapist again. So i never went back.

 

So when you say work on the marriage, ive been working on it. For 10 years. I tell him the problems i have with the relationship and he doesnt agree. He doesnt see.he is controlling so he will never stop. He blames everything on me. Theres no getting through to him.

 

 

I think you've answered your own question, your not happy and its only going to get worst, get out now!!

[d0nnivain]

He forbade you from going to therapy & you listened to him? That's not a good plan.

 

Go back to therapy & stop meeting this guy on the side.

 

If you are going to end your marriage, end it for yourself not because you want to move to this other guy. If he wasn't in the picture, would you still want out?

[central]

Move out now, file for divorce immediately, and pursue happiness. It sounds like your marriage isn't worth trying to fix, and with no children involved, there is no reason to try under the circumstances.

[d0nnivain]

"Breaks" are for junior high school kids. Work on your marriage or walk out but skip the childish BS about a "break". There is no such thing. You won't fix anything my temporarily walking away when your heart is already gone with no intention of returning.

[oldshirt]

 

 

. Make him realize you are at the point of cheating and walking out on the marriage. Maybe that will open his eyes and let him know how serious you are about a change.

 

 

One of the big problems people have is someone can be very unhappy and to the breaking point and it just doesn't sink it to the other person. They just don't 'get it.' They hear you talking but it is just background noise and more bitch'n. They don't really get the message or grasp the gravity of the situation.

Since you two have been together since you were kids, he is probably just wrapped up in routine and thinks it is just you bitching again for the 10 thousandth time.

You are basically going to have to blow something up to get his attention. you are going to have to get caught in the affair, or pack your bags and leave or perhaps even file for divorce and have him served and have him come with the papers in his hand and find an empty house before he understands.

At that point he'll bed and plead and promise the world but it may be too late.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still, if you can't stand for him to touch you I don't see your marriage making it.

 

 

Yes, things are definitely in a very dire state. if you are at this point it will take a lot of work, a lot of therapy and will require both of you to change a lot of things. You may or may not be willing or able to do it.

 

 

 

Some responses in bold above.

 

 

Now in regards to the OM, a few things to consider. Affairs follow a very predictable and standard course.

 

 

- once you start getting feelings for the OM, you will find fault in everything your H does.

 

 

- you will rewrite history to convince yourself and others that you never were in love with him and that it was a mistake to be with him all these years.

 

 

- you will see the OM as your true love and the one that is right for you despite all the flaws and problems with the OM.

 

 

- You will begin to see you H as the bad guy and will further reject him so you don't feel like you are somehow 'cheating' on the OM.

 

 

- once your affair turns physical and you have orgasms with him and experience the excitement and passion of a new body in bed, it will be the final nails in the coffin of your marriage.

 

 

At that point you will forever be an adultress and a cheater and you will be the bad guy and the one responsible for destroying your marriage. He and his family will forever hold you in contempt and will carry a certain degree of bitterness and contempt towards you forever.

 

 

If there is any part of you that wants to work on the marriage then you have to get rid of the OM before that goes any further and causes true damage.

 

 

Take that time and energy and put it into your marriage and make a good faith effort to work it out to where you will be healthy and reasonably happy.

 

 

The marriage may still fail and you will always have the right and the ability to dissolve the marriage later if things don't work out, but you will be able to sleep at night knowing that you did everything you could.

 

 

You will also be able to look your H and his family in the eye and at least maintain a cordial and understanding relationship with them if you keep your hands clean.

 

 

You will also be able to make a clean break and carry a ton less baggage with you if you keep your hands clean and you will be able to move on with your life and have it much less complicated and chaotic and will be able to transition into a happier and more healthy relationship post-divorce that if you are embroiled in an affair at the time of your marriages collapse.

 

 

If you are chronically dissatisfied and unhappy in a dysfunctional marriage, it is fair to dissolve it as peacefully and with as little pain and chaos as possible.

 

 

If you cheat and tell yourself and others lies you will have mud and blood on your hands that you will never be able to completely wash off.

 

 

There is a 99% chance this OM is just some slimy dude who's wanting to score a piece of @$$ and a married woman in an unhappy marriage is just easy, low hanging fruit. He will be gone the moment things turn inconvenient for him.

 

 

If you keep your hands clean and make a clean break, there will be decent single men that will have you after the divorce. If you go down the cheaters path, it will just be slimeballs that are after a quick and easy pump-and-dump.

[oldshirt]

"Breaks" are for junior high school kids. Work on your marriage or walk out but skip the childish BS about a "break". There is no such thing. You won't fix anything my temporarily walking away when your heart is already gone with no intention of returning.

 

 

 

Very true ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is really a picture-perfect example for everyone else what is going on inside a woman's head whenever she talks about a "break."

 

 

Whenever someone wants a "break" it is so they can try someone else on for size but wants to keep their current partner on reserve as a place holder in case things don't work out with this other person or if that other person turns out to not be what they seem.

 

 

Never accept a 'break.' If you are involved with someone that wants a break, that means that they want to give someone else a test drive but want you waiting for them to call and want you sitting on the shelf for them while they audition this other person. 99% of the time, they have already had some form of contact with this other person and believe that they will be an upgrade and a bigger and better deal but don't have the giblets to make a clean break yet.

 

 

The purpose of the break is to give the other person a try-out and a probationary period to see if they can really deliver all the promises they have made.

 

 

If someone comes back from a 'break' and wants to resume the relationship with the old partner, it is because this other person did not work out.

 

 

They will tell the story that the other person wasn't as good and that the old partner is the victor, but 9 times out of 10 they would have rather had the other person but other person turned out to just be interested in a fling and weren't serious about sticking around.

 

 

In other words, when someone comes back from a 'break' they are settling for the old so won't be alone and they will have a place-holder until someone else comes along that catches their eye again and they will give that person an audition and try-out.

 

 

Any time someone wants a break, give them option of, "all in, or all out."

 

 

Meaning either they are all-in and focus on addressing the issues of the relationship and fixing it to a level they can be satisfied and happy with. Or "all-out" in which it is a clean break up with no expectation of returning and both parties are free and clear to date and to bang whoever, whenever and wherever they please.

 

 

This situation in this thread is a perfect example of how messed up the concept of "breaks" are.

[idbeentaken]

Dear Colette, looks like my hometown Rome here, loads of priests around...:D:D

 

My point of view is gonna be a bit different from what i ve read so far.

If you dont like your boyfriend touching you, you should def leave him.

 

I dunno how you could marry him to be honest, maybe you had fear of penis when you were younger or had some psychological problem, but now it sounds like you want to explore your adult life. So be bold.

 

The priests here are telling you that you will go to hell, and maybe yeah for a while you will regret it and you will crawl back to him , or maybe with this new man you met you will have a wonderful life... there is milliards of possible outcomings, but staying with a man you dont enjoy leads only to depression.

 

Just one thing: dont marry again. Dont make vows for all life long. People change, situations change, just live.

 

Enjoy life and dont go hard on yourself, you were young and THAT COUNTS. People should be forbid to marry before 30. or at all, if you wish

 

ciao bella

[colette1234]

Thanks everyone for the responses.

 

First, breaks arent to try out other guys. We took a break years ago because i felt this way for years now. There was no OM present then, i just needed out.

 

I dont even see the OM, he lives across the country so dont think im meeting him on the side cuz im not. We talk on the phone, thats it.

 

Thank you idbeentaken, for that post. Honestly, as ive grown up, i just cannot stand being married, settling down and staying in one place. Thats not the type of life i want. And im not talking like i wanna be with other guys. I only slept with my H for goodness sake. Ive never been with anyone else. I do agree that no one should marry before 30 because in our 20s, we are still kids trying to.figure out this world.