M30USA Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 My two boys (K3 and 1st) had their open house today. I asked their mom 5 days prior if she was taking them so that I could have them for just a few minutes to also meet the teachers AFTER her. I figured its important for teachers to associate parents and child faces together. She refused to inform me if she was going or when my boys would be there even after I sent a second email. Turns out I arrived there (a 2 hour drive mind you) and she was there with my boys. I basically had to meet the teachers just by myself without my boys. Plus, on her way out, I asked my boys for a quick hug and as they were walking towards me she says, "Come on boys, we have to go." My second smaller son also came to hug me and she said the same thing again: "Let's go, it's time to go." I understand its technically her possession time mid-week but I wasn't even asking for dinner with them. Just a hug. Plus she previously blew off my request for a meager 30 min to meet the teachers. This is just a few weeks after I let her have my sons for 2 hours right after their tball game this summer with me. Guess I should never expect a returned favor. My question is this: Is my ex being ridiculous? Will my sons figure out what she is doing? What effect will this have on their emotional well being? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 My two boys (K3 and 1st) had their open house today. I asked their mom 5 days prior if she was taking them so that I could have them for just a few minutes to also meet the teachers AFTER her. I figured its important for teachers to associate parents and child faces together. Let me say first that your exW is a self-centered ass for not letting your boys hug and talk to you. I can only imagine the difficulty in dealing with someone so willing to put her own interests first. Wow! For the open house, think you had the right intention but wrong approach (I'm husband of 20-yr teacher so my bias is known). Better to ask Mom if you can be part of the meet with teacher, a simple request. Otherwise you're putting the teacher in the midst of your issue, a request she can't fulfill for the individual parents of 20-30 kids during open house. Might also be easier to have short meet with her on school day with your kids. Just my .02... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Let me say first that your exW is a self-centered ass for not letting your boys hug and talk to you. I can only imagine the difficulty in dealing with someone so willing to put her own interests first. Wow! For the open house, think you had the right intention but wrong approach (I'm husband of 20-yr teacher so my bias is known). Better to ask Mom if you can be part of the meet with teacher, a simple request. Otherwise you're putting the teacher in the midst of your issue, a request she can't fulfill for the individual parents of 20-30 kids during open house. Might also be easier to have short meet with her on school day with your kids. Just my .02... Mr. Lucky I believe I didn't do what you're saying. I did ask their mom. I didn't put the teacher in the middle of it. I'm confused. Please explain. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 You asked the teacher for a separate meet with you during open house, a request that's difficult to fulfill for individual parents with class sizes today. It would be easier for her to meet with you another time :-) ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Let me say first that your exW is a self-centered ass for not letting your boys hug and talk to you. I can only imagine the difficulty in dealing with someone so willing to put her own interests first. Wow! For the open house, think you had the right intention but wrong approach (I'm husband of 20-yr teacher so my bias is known). Better to ask Mom if you can be part of the meet with teacher, a simple request. Otherwise you're putting the teacher in the midst of your issue, a request she can't fulfill for the individual parents of 20-30 kids during open house. Might also be easier to have short meet with her on school day with your kids. Just my .02... Mr. Lucky You asked the teacher for a separate meet with you during open house, a request that's difficult to fulfill for individual parents with class sizes today. It would be easier for her to meet with you another time :-) ... Mr. Lucky I would agree with you but it was an informal "come and go" meet and greet. There were literally no other parents when I walked into one of the rooms. There are divorced parents who do it all the time. Even with parent-teacher conferences. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Just giving my input having heard the teacher's side many times. Regardless, given your ex's unfortunate intransigence, a subsequent meet might be easier and less drama for all, kids especially. Unfortunate she won't cooperate on something so basic... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 My husband's Ex acts exactly the same way. We were all at Parents Night at the High School and because it was "her week," the kids were not allowed to talk to us at all - even though we were ALL walking, en masse, to each of the classrooms at the appointed time. Nothing you can do but suck it up, be the best parent you can be, and wait for that day when the kids realize what a schmuck their mother is being (as my husband's kids are now realizing about their mother). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 My husband's Ex acts exactly the same way. We were all at Parents Night at the High School and because it was "her week," the kids were not allowed to talk to us at all - even though we were ALL walking, en masse, to each of the classrooms at the appointed time. Nothing you can do but suck it up, be the best parent you can be, and wait for that day when the kids realize what a schmuck their mother is being (as my husband's kids are now realizing about their mother). Thanks for your input. I wish my sons didnt have to deal with their unstable mother. I'd rather they not have to realize anything at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I wish my sons didnt have to deal with their unstable mother. I'd rather they not have to realize anything at all. Yes...that's the sad part, isn't it? I cannot even begin to imagine being in their shoes...or their mind or their heart. But it is their reality and they do need proper, age-appropriate guidance to put it in context and deal with it. Have you considered if or what conversation you will have with them about this particular incident? I am asking because often times grown-ups will just want to ignore and forget that this type of thing ever happened, but kids do not forget this type of thing at all. Hugs to your sons and to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Don't worry. Your kids will realize what a b*tch their mom is at some point. Just be the best dad you can and don't bad mouth your ex to your kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mirages Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 The other side of this equation can turn into a problem. While the arrogance is never constructive, her conduct sounds malicious. Isn't it worse if she decided to stalk you, trying to get the kids to pay attention to her when it was your time? My situation went thru this situation opposite to yours, full surveillance by wife including GPS'ing, photography, hiding behind aisle in department store, showing up in different cities when I was taking them there to play. It was bad news; we drafted the court orders to prohibit such conduct. Ideally you'd be included in a welcoming manner, if not, my personal policy is to deal with it, adapt with a separate meeting, and enjoy your guarded time. Finally, nothing above suggests you were "stalking" what I mean is that this one can reciprocate into such. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 The other side of this equation can turn into a problem. While the arrogance is never constructive, her conduct sounds malicious. Isn't it worse if she decided to stalk you, trying to get the kids to pay attention to her when it was your time? My situation went thru this situation opposite to yours, full surveillance by wife including GPS'ing, photography, hiding behind aisle in department store, showing up in different cities when I was taking them there to play. It was bad news; we drafted the court orders to prohibit such conduct. Ideally you'd be included in a welcoming manner, if not, my personal policy is to deal with it, adapt with a separate meeting, and enjoy your guarded time. Finally, nothing above suggests you were "stalking" what I mean is that this one can reciprocate into such. I suppose you're right. At least she's leaving me alone (as far as I know). But she was trying to stalk the babysitter that I've chosen for my sons. The babysitter said ex tried to friend her on FB and she thought it was "strange". Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 But she was trying to stalk the babysitter that I've chosen for my sons. The babysitter said ex tried to friend her on FB and she thought it was "strange". My husband's Ex did this too. She would show up at the kids' school when she knew the Nanny was supposed to be there and try and tell the school administration that the Nanny had no authority over the kids. More than once the police were called and my husband was called out of work to mediate the issue. This was when the kids were 5 and 7 years old. Now, they are 12 and 15 and - get this... The 12 year old spent the summer begging and cajoling to join the football team (same coach and friends as the baseball team). We hemmed and hawed; he would have to give up several years of soccer to start a different sport. Husband relented, paid the fees, and we made arrangements for the exhaustive try-outs and practices (5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. five nights a week for the whole month of August). Husband's Ex - the psycho Mom - helped go buy the proper shoes and gear. And three weeks into practice, she decided there were child health concerns of the potential for a concussion and pulled him from the team. The kid is beyond distraught; this is all he has been harping on for months and was well-liked and established as being a potential star player. Now he will have a whole semester with no extracurricular sport (the only thing he really loves) because it is too late for soccer. This all happened in the last 36 hours so the drama has been upsetting for all. We are just doing what we can for the boy, but the bottom line is that his Mom is still exerting her control and we have to be the ones to offer sanity and stability to his life. You have to do the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 My husband's Ex did this too. She would show up at the kids' school when she knew the Nanny was supposed to be there and try and tell the school administration that the Nanny had no authority over the kids. More than once the police were called and my husband was called out of work to mediate the issue. This was when the kids were 5 and 7 years old. Now, they are 12 and 15 and - get this... The 12 year old spent the summer begging and cajoling to join the football team (same coach and friends as the baseball team). We hemmed and hawed; he would have to give up several years of soccer to start a different sport. Husband relented, paid the fees, and we made arrangements for the exhaustive try-outs and practices (5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. five nights a week for the whole month of August). Husband's Ex - the psycho Mom - helped go buy the proper shoes and gear. And three weeks into practice, she decided there were child health concerns of the potential for a concussion and pulled him from the team. The kid is beyond distraught; this is all he has been harping on for months and was well-liked and established as being a potential star player. Now he will have a whole semester with no extracurricular sport (the only thing he really loves) because it is too late for soccer. This all happened in the last 36 hours so the drama has been upsetting for all. We are just doing what we can for the boy, but the bottom line is that his Mom is still exerting her control and we have to be the ones to offer sanity and stability to his life. You have to do the same. It's amazing how much chaos ensues just from a parent's need for complete control. I'm fully expecting my ex to pull the same crap when it comes time for my sons to play school baseball. Currently I coach their summer tball team but that's only because I have them all summer and there's nothing she can do about that. But if it were the school year it would be a different story. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 It's amazing how much chaos ensues just from a parent's need for complete control. I'm fully expecting my ex to pull the same crap when it comes time for my sons to play school baseball. Currently I coach their summer tball team but that's only because I have them all summer and there's nothing she can do about that. But if it were the school year it would be a different story. Document everything. EVERYTHING. One day you may need to go before a judge and it's best not to rely on memory alone. I'm sorry she's a tool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Document everything. EVERYTHING. One day you may need to go before a judge and it's best not to rely on memory alone. I'm sorry she's a tool. She's technically not violating court order. The only thing she's doing is making it difficult for my sons to have a relationship with me. But that's a fuzzy gray area. Proving parental alienation is virtually impossible and costs thousands. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 (edited) She's technically not violating court order. The only thing she's doing is making it difficult for my sons to have a relationship with me. But that's a fuzzy gray area. Proving parental alienation is virtually impossible and costs thousands. Set a precedent. Denying your child of receiving affection from their father after ignoring your requests to be involved in your children's education is just plain wrong. I don't even think you need a lawyer because it's just what is best for your children. Edited August 22, 2014 by amaysngrace Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I'm sorry. That sounds very frustrating. My exH and I don't have the best relationship, but we try to attend those things together. It helps ME that my boyfriend is a former single dad that did not have primary custody so any time I'm feeling snippy about a situation regarding ex and the kids, BF gives me his opinion as a former single father that was left out of a lot. I TRY to treat exH fairly b/c they are his kids, too and doing things like leaving him out of stuff like that is not only hurting hurting the dad, but the kids, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Your ex is an idiot! My ex has been a complete FW but for the kids sake IF he was to ask to join a parent evening at the school I would happily arrange something for the children's sake. Sadly it's always the way, it seems those parents that want 100% input (one parent seems to want to be a pain) my ex wouldn't have a clue what is going on in their schooling! She should think herself lucky... For the kids sake! SS x maybe next time explain your situation and contact the school for your own appointment times... Let's hope next time around it's on your time to see the kids and you can show her how grown ups should act around the kids 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Your kids will see for themselves in time... As they get older. My eldest has it all worked out Keep being a good supportive father and work around her... Which will annoy her lol SS x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Your kids will see for themselves in time... As they get older. My eldest has it all worked out Keep being a good supportive father and work around her... Which will annoy her lol SS x Yeah, I'm trying to just accept how she is and expect it every time. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Yeah, I'm trying to just accept how she is and expect it every time. Exactly ...that is the best way to be! Although at first its hard to get your head around ... I hold no expectations regarding my ex, he is someone that pops into my kids lives, buys them a takeaway once a week and takes them for a drive... Tells them how broke he is n takes a holiday every six months. Looks my kids in the eyes knowing he doesn't contribute to them emotionally or financially on any level... After a short shocking time it all became very obvious that this was how it was gonna be... So I expect nothing and sadly so do my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Exactly ...that is the best way to be! Although at first its hard to get your head around ... I hold no expectations regarding my ex, he is someone that pops into my kids lives, buys them a takeaway once a week and takes them for a drive... Tells them how broke he is n takes a holiday every six months. Looks my kids in the eyes knowing he doesn't contribute to them emotionally or financially on any level... After a short shocking time it all became very obvious that this was how it was gonna be... So I expect nothing and sadly so do my kids. Does your ex pay child support? Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Does your ex pay child support? Nope... Over here there is a huge loophole for those who have there oen businesses. 1) they off set their earnings on work stuff and make it look like they hardly earn a thing = low child support payments or 2) "this is what my ex is doing" avoid doing a tax return which then stops child support from getting hold of him financially I've not had $$$ off him for a year He is a knob! Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 He will come undone! But in the mean time we struggle... He owes me thousands already! My friend had no CS for over 5 years with her ex doing the same! They caught up with him now... Her kids have left home and she is getting child support money... Was needed when she had to put food on the table and clothes on growing kids Link to post Share on other sites
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