Should I divorce? I think, my Husbands gay....

[confused34]

Hello everyone,

 

I am brand new here so if I break rules or do something wrong, forgive me. Lol I am also typing from my cell phone, so if grammar & punctuation aren't correct, just ignore. Lol

 

I hope you can read through all of this without becoming bored, but I'm desperately searching/looking for an answer and the more details the better. Like the title says, I suspect my husband is gay. I am 31, he is 38 & we have been together 11 years & married for 5

 

Back when we first started dating he'd always so no kids & no marriage. I thought he was like the other men, nervous, but now my eyes are starting to open. I ended up getting pregnant 3 years after being together & he was ELATED. He loved and still loves our daughter so much! We also now have a son. He was a friend of my brothers is how we met, I know, say no more lol. But he had confided in me that he had been with men in the past & consideered himself bisexual. Well, me, at 19 years open was very open-minded & never saw this as an issue. We still had lots of sex, he is a very loyal, faithful person, so I wasn't worried about him cheating. I even experimented with him in that department. So, we got married, things have settled down. We aren't young & dumb anymore, however, I question if there is even such a thug as being bisexual. Here's why:

 

Years ago we had lots of sex, great sex! He desired me, came on to me, etc. Now, years later I can't get him to even touch me. I have. and have always had, a very high sex drive, but nothing I feel that is out of control-- I just like sex. I pretty much have to beg him to have sex with me. He always claims he's tired from work, but this has been going on for a few years now. Recently I found where he was viewing gay porn in his phone, and yes, I knew he liked that when got married & that's fine, but what isn't ok is the fact I lay here feelling unwanted & undesired while he tunes into his fantasies & pounds away at them, while I lay here wanting something too. He fell asleep the other night while "playing" with me. Sorry, TMI, but seriously, who does that? I have been working out at the gym everyday, I tan, I'm a pretty woman, I get hit on a lot by other men, daily sometimes just even at the gas station so I know I'm not ugly. I shower daily, have never had even a yeast infection in my life, I try to take excellent care of myself.

 

I don't know what to do or think. I can get naked in front of him changing and he doesn't even look. At bedtime he rolls over and if I try to come into I'm he gets annoyed. Then when we do do it it's always very mechanical, absolutely no passion. No kissing, no touching, and always the same position. We haven't made out or French kissed since we got married, no lie. It's like I'm a bother to him in that area. He treats me like a roommate or best friend, not his wife & lover also.

 

I've been fighting this for years. Questioning if it's selfish to divorce, to break a family apart because I'm not getting affection and sex. But I long to have not just a great relationship with a man, but an intimate one as well. As a woman, I want to feel desired and loved. I'm not needy or jealous, I know my worth, this isn't about having my ego stroked, it's about something that's missing that's so very important in every single relationship.

 

Has anyone been down this road? What do you do? What did you do? I'm sad & at a loss.

[notbroken]

Even if he wasn't gay, are you prepared to be in a sexless marriage? Something seriously wrong there (like he's gay and doesn't really like women). He may be a great husband and father, but it seems you will be missing out on a major component of your life.

[confused34]

I agree & ask myself that often. I guess I feel in my brain if he isn't gay, then maybe there is hope in the future & this will change. But I just know he doesn't desire women, the way he desires men. He is very irritable most of the time & just acts unhappy being a husband & Father even though I know he loves all of us. I just question am I stupid to end things when we have a family? Do I hang in there for the kids and suffer not ever having sex, or do I just call it quits & move on. I can't stand to hurt my kids.

[dichotomy]

Hello everyone,

But he had confided in me that he had been with men in the past & consideered himself bisexual. Well, me, at 19 years open was very open-minded & never saw this as an issue. We still had lots of sex, he is a very loyal, faithful person, so I wasn't worried about him cheating. I even experimented with him in that department. So, we got married, things have settled down. We aren't young & dumb anymore, however, I question if there is even such a thug as being bisexual. Here's why:

 

Years ago we had lots of sex, great sex! He desired me, came on to me, etc. Now, years later I can't get him to even touch me. I have. and have always had, a very high sex drive, but nothing I feel that is out of control-- I just like sex. I pretty much have to beg him to have sex with me.

 

 

So if I read this right, before you were married, he told you he was bi, you said cool no problem - and even had some experimentation (MMF bi threesomes?) Then you got married, not so open anymore, cut off the experimentation, settle down on your sexual openness with him, and now he has lost interest?

 

 

is this right ?

[confused34]

Yep-- that's right. However, I've talked to him about having another three some to spice things up & he says he doesn't want to. He said that is just a phase he was going through, etc., but then find gay porn? I mean, I've tried. I've tried everything. He is just not interested at all in sex. That's why I said I'm starting to believe there is no bisexual. I was 19 with little life experience, was raised in a bubble. I just believe he's figured out he loves being with men, and men only. He's almost 40 now & I think the reality Has set in. He won't even as much rub my breast, kids my neck, caress my body etc., normal stuff that many straight men do. He doesn't enjoy the female body, let's put it like that. He never really Has since the very beginning when I go back & think about it.

[dichotomy]

It could be this - I mean the gay and the gay porn....but so many years of marriage.

 

Many many posts here about husbands (and wives) losing all interest in their partners (don't even like touching them) .... but fantasizing about others - or other types of sex from BDSM to other types.

 

I also think sex is fluid throughout our lives - I mean sexual attraction and sexual act interests can vary at times in our lives - oscillate back and forth. Bisexuality is a extreme example - as is figuring out your really gay - but you get the point.

 

Can you see a sex therapist/marriage therapist for couples work? Do you need a link to a list?

 

and also just for protection - have you done a little snooping beyond the port check - to make sure he is not cheating.

Edited August 21, 2014 by dichotomy

[confused34]

Yes, I totally know what you mean. And I've tried to get him to go to therapy & he won't go. I went four 4 months by myself. It was somewhat helpful but she thought I needed to leave & I wasn't ready, so she basically worked with me on coping techniques. He absolutely refuses to go. And I've done some snooping but don't really know how to go about finding out stuff. He knows computers like the back of his hand, and has now gone through and made sure l can't see what he's doing. One thing I found was a sock, stuffed in the back of the pocket on the drivers side seat when I was cleaning all of our cars one day. It had c*m all in it but he swears it was sweat.... Why one sock? Not two? I mean, if you're hot, you take both socks off right? One other weird thing, and if you're a guy maybe you can help me with... I was doing laundry about 6 weeks ago and he had c*m stains ALL over his underwear. I heard guys leak some but this was like he came all in his underwear. But I never find enough solid proof.

[confused34]

Ugh. That last sentence I read after I posted. I feel sooooo stupid. So so stupid. I just can't bring myself to believe it. He switched jobs recently & I suspected some things at the previous job and ever since he switched I haven't found anything else in his underwear. That was not the only time, there were two others but it just wasn't as large of a spot, but not small either.

[bathtub-row]

Sorry, any man interested in other men is ok but I wouldn't even dream of being in a relationship with someone like this. It would be a 100% turn-off for me.

 

Who cares why he does this? He treats you like you're nobody. Honestly, he probably married you to hide the fact that he's gay. Even if you guys divorce, he can still use the marriage as his cover. The truth is, he would probably be relieved if you insisted on a divorce.

 

I say get away from this nonsense. The other thing you may not be thinking about is that if he's cheating on you with another man, you're leaving yourself open to contracting AIDS. Please do not have sex with him ever again, and run - don't walk - away from this situation. You are being far too tolerant; to the point where you're putting your very life at risk.

 

And in case anyone gets offended by what I just said, please don't bother telling me about it. I have nothing against anyone for their sexual preferences. It's just that I am personally not turned on by a man who's interested in having sex with another man. I'm also opposed to people who get into marriages under false pretenses. This happens quite a bit and it's truly unfair.

 

Run, Jane, run!

Edited August 21, 2014 by bathtub-row

[confused34]

Trust me, I am not at all mad for what you said! Not at all! Yes, I have thought about thebHIV thing & have been tested 3x in the past year after I found the whole sock thing. We have usedcondoms anytime we have done anything. But you're completely right. I appreciate your blunt approach. I, too, am the same way & listen when people don't sugar coat things.

 

It's really hard. I know it sounds so easy, but it is hard to get up & leave. I don't know why, I don't. But it is. However, it is something I'm going to have to do. I talked to my Mom today about moving in with her until I save enough to move out & she was totally fine with that. That's one of the worst parts of this is moving back home with Mom & Dad lol but it has to be done to escape this madness.

[confused34]

I forgot to post what about the cover up thing. That thought has crossed my mind too. And yes, I do believe he'd be relieved. I threatened a divorce before then caved & didn't do it, but he did tell me after all of that that a side of him actually thought it'd be a good thing. I wrote him a huge letter not to long ago, saying I'd be his friend but things had to end because I know deep down he truly likes men. I broke everything down and he couldn't say a word. He just said no, that's not really it, but you know how I am when you married me. He also has addiction issues with weed & alcohol and I do none of those. He just lost a job of 7 years for smoking weed on work grounds. I have been warning him he will lose his job. So my children & I are without health insurance because of this. He can never be completely sober. Always has to be high or have a slight buzz from beer. I think its because he doesn't know how to deal with who he really is. I feel bad for him, but he's taking me down with him, and so just want to be happy. I'm naturally an outgoing, positive, ambitious person. In love life & love people and this is totally stripping me of everything I've ever known myself to be.

[bathtub-row]

Since you have kids, if you can, you need to stay where you are and he needs to move out. It's always amazingly hard to take the first step to end a marriage but once you get past the first few hurdles, you start to feel freer than you ever imagined. This man is just simply bad news. I think it will, however, be easy for the two of you to remain friends or at least on amicable terms. Don't turn it into a war. Just get out. This is an amazingly bad situation.

[confused34]

I wish I could but he has already told me in the past he will not leave & I'm to the point I don't want a fight. I think I just want this all to be over. I am a nurse & am totally capable of making it on my own so it won't be a problem just want to put more of my OWN money in savings as I don't want to move out and have nothing in case of an emergency in a savings fund.

[bathtub-row]

That's great! I'm glad you're not dependent on him. Given his circumstances, it seems it would be detrimental to be dependent on him anyway.

 

I hear you about not wanting to fight. The fact that he's willing to uproot his kids for his own selfish reasons tells me a lot about him. Just be sure not to take niceness too far or that could also backfire on you.

 

I'm not sure how he plans to pay for that place without a job. How does that work, exactly?

[SoleMate]

Um yeah, sorry to say he's likely gay. The sock. The "no making out for 5 years"!!!! An actual hetero man will not be able to keep his hands off you because sex drive.

[Mr. Lucky]

Who cares why he does this? He treats you like you're nobody!

To me this is the most important thing. Whether he's gay or not is a side issue - if he was ignoring you to play video games, would you be any happier ?

 

Without MC, very little hope of getting to the truth, whatever that is. I'd give him a window and an ultimatum, and then I'd file...

 

Mr. Lucky

[confused34]

Yes employed now. He found a job a week later, however, they don't offer benefits. So he will be able to support himself but I just don't want to stay. I can't. And I'm going to work on not being too nice. It's a flaw of mine. Obviously as you can see I give wayyy too many chances. I've always been like that. I hate being mean to people. I'm very head-strong, will tell it like it is, but will always follow it up with a hug. Haha.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Gay? No. You don’t suddenly “turn” gay shortly before midlife. Bored in general with married sex life and/or craving sex with another male (as many bisexual males are often wont to do)? Highly likely.

 

Gay, I mean genuinely gay guys don’t want t be with a woman sexually and when and if they do end up with a “beard” they’re rarely as enthusiastic about hetro sex as your husband once seemed to be. If he were 100% gay, more likely than not, the sex in your relationship would’ve dried up a long while ago, and certainly won’t take over a decade.

 

And since he was so open with you from early on and obviously willing to share with you a part of himself many other, lesser men would've kept hidden, it doesn't seem logical that he was simply lying to you all those years and surprise, he's gayer than Fire Island!

 

I've had times when I've craved sex with other women far more than I have ever craved sex with men to the point where all I watched was lesbian porn and fantasized about nothing but. It's natural for those who either 'dabble' or fully "go both ways".

 

Would you be willing to let him have another MMF only where the "F" simply sat back and didn't participate? Maybe that's what he's after?

[confused34]

Mr. Lucky, I have done that soooo many times to no availability. I did two years ago when I told him counseling or I was gone. Well, he didn't go. I went alone & figured maybe he'd join & he never did. I discovered through counseling I wasn't emotionally ready to leave so she taught me coping skills. But now, now I'm ready. We had a talk a few weeks ago & he hasn't even tried to make it better. He never does. This is vicious cycle & I'm going to have to be the one to break it.

[bathtub-row]

To me this is the most important thing. Whether he's gay or not is a side issue - if he was ignoring you to play video games, would you be any happier ?

 

Without MC, very little hope of getting to the truth, whatever that is. I'd give him a window and an ultimatum, and then I'd file...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Being gay is a side issue?? Comparable to playing video games??

 

Well, from this girl's perspective, it's a total showstopper.

[dichotomy]

You know its a simple thing to "bug" his car right? record anything said it it? But sounds like the car is no part of his activities anymore since he changed jobs?

 

Anyway drug use problems, job problems, no sex at all, its stacking up there.

[confused34]

He has already said he doesn't want to go that route. I have offered that option as well. I did state that in my comment above. He said it was just a phase he went through. Well I'm still finding gay porn. And the sex did end a long time ago. This didn't just happen overnight. It stopped shortly after we got married. Just abrubtly stopped. Since then I've always found gay porn. He is not interested in heterosexual porn at ALL. Says it does nothing for him. And I'd have to disagree where I've read a lot of men think they're bi and then once married realize that they are gay. I was his first & only serious relationship. He has only been with. a couple of women and he is very very attractive! He always gets hit on by women, and laughs it off. He was that way before we got married.

[bathtub-row]

Yes employed now. He found a job a week later, however, they don't offer benefits. So he will be able to support himself but I just don't want to stay. I can't. And I'm going to work on not being too nice. It's a flaw of mine. Obviously as you can see I give wayyy too many chances. I've always been like that. I hate being mean to people. I'm very head-strong, will tell it like it is, but will always follow it up with a hug. Haha.

 

It's a flaw of most women. That's why we're so easily victimized.

 

There's always a way to get your point across without being mean. It's like telling your child that he's had way too much candy. No need to get all emotionally attached about it, just say, "Nope, you've had enough. Now go find something else to do." When you find that calm, centered space in your head, it's hard for people to argue with your decisions.

 

Btw, standing up for yourself and doing what is best for you and your kids is not being mean.

[confused34]

Yeah, plus he now has a company vehicle he drives when he gets to work and is out and about in that all day & I never have access to that truck. Should have thought of that sooner. I try to trust but that's a lot of the reason I came here is maybe I'm being too trusting & I need to hear from other people what they think or if they've been there what happened?

[confused34]

Yes, you are right. That's where I have failed so many times. That & not following through. I threaten all the time I'm going to leave & this is it & then I never go.