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Separation is Imminent


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Hi. This is my first post, after reading for a very long time.

 

I have reached a point where I must post.

 

I'm 28 and my husband just turned 31. We are both teachers, and we live abroad, very far from our homes in the states. We met working abroad, got married, and had a child, who is now 2, almost 3. We've been married almost 4 years. This is my first marriage and his second.

 

Recently, we'd discussed having a second child. When H gave the go ahead, we tried for about a month. In that time, his behavior drastically changed. He told me he didn't want another baby, he wanted to wait. I had a week of panic until I tested negative. I don't want another child if H isn't ready. I wouldn't push that on him.

 

But after the negative results, he still behaved very oddly. He wasn't as affectionate anymore, his sleep schedule changed, he spends a lot of time on message boards, ignores daughter and I for long periods of time, and was generally in a state of malaise.

 

So I confronted him and asked what was wrong. Through a series of heartbreaking conversations over the last week and a half, I've learned that the possibility of me being pregnant scared him so much he is now questioning everything. Questioning what he wants in the future, questioning if he wants this relationship, unsure if I'm the one he wants to be with, unsure if I'm the one he's supposed to be with for life. He now wants to separate to find out if this relationship is what he wants in the future. He now treats me like a room mate.

 

We've very stable, have good jobs and schedules, just not a lot of excitement, especially this summer break, where we really didn't go out and do much. Up until now, we've had a very healthy sex life. I cook, clean, take care of the baby, generally let him do what he wants, and support him in all that he wants to do. I'm a diabetic, but I take care of myself so I'm healthy, and not unattractive. He still finds me attractive, he says. He is just unsure about the future and about his feelings for me.

 

Up until tonight, I'd been letting him kind of walk all over me, trying to do the 180, so he will see I'm independent and strong. Still the same thing.

 

So today, for the first time, I talked to a friend, who gave me some advice: Stand up for yourself. Don't just agree with everything he says. Tell him exactly what it is that you think you should be doing instead of just leaving each other for an unspecified time.

 

He came home after looking at an apartment and I told him, "I know you'll probably be mad, but... I think what you're doing is wrong."

 

Basically the whole thing boiled down to how this whole thing is because he feels like we've flatlined.. and he's not sure if he wants to feel that way in the future, if he wants to try to fight for the relationship here at home where he's sure he's going to feel trapped and end up resenting me. He just doesn't know what he wants. He admits the relationship isn't bad, at all. Just stagnant and boring. He also says there isn't anyone else in on this, either. I believe him. There are absolutely no signs of this whatsoever. I've been through an affair/cheating situation before, and I know the red flags.

 

I proposed the idea of a controlled, trial separation, in which we do separate, but set down firm guidelines and boundaries to let ourselves work on what we need to work on. This includes money, childcare, communication, whether or not to try reconnecting, whether or not to date outside of marriage, dates with each other, and a time line in which to make a decision, and an addendum to extend if it is so needed. I also said that we could try to do the things we used to do when we didn't have the baby. Getting a babysitter and going out and doing things would help with the monotony of being out in the middle of nowhere.

 

He said that it sounded good. He just wants time to figure out what he wants.

 

I'm trying to draft it out, and am finding some good leads on it.

 

I'm just so hurt. I cry my eyes out when he goes to class. I find it hard to eat. I go running in the day to lift my mood to show my strength, but it feels like it doesn't help. I spend time with my daughter and keep her happy. I read and I started drawing again. I'm keeping a journal of how I'm feeling.

 

I just feel like there's no hope. Everything in me wants to hope that I'm not going to end up a single mom in a foreign country, losing someone I rely on for support, affection, and communication. I'm not worried about job, home, or finances, because that's all covered in my contract. I'm worried about losing someone I promised to love always. I believe in my marriage vows. I didn't want to get married until I was sure. I was so sure about him. But fear is slowly eating me up inside.

 

I'm having a hard time coping... and a hard time hoping. What am I to do?

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From an outsiders perspective it does sound like things have gone stale and a bit of refreshment in your marriage would go a long way.

 

Remember all the fun silly things you used to do while dating? Work on doing those again. The walks, staying up to watch the sun set/ sun rise... They are the reason why the pair of you fell for each other in the first place.

 

Good on you for setting down the rules. This is so important. Also do not forget that actually you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be treated as such! Its so easy to be taken advantage of if you let people! Pamper yourself. Look after yourself, for no other reason than you are worth it. Long hot soaks in the bath, lots of moisturiser and simple things that you have probably forgotten while you have been busy looking after your family. Look after yourself and your child first.

 

Sometimes we over complicate things (I do all the time). You clearly still love him. He is clearly having some issues and from your description I don't think he knows what they are just yet but he knows something has to change hence the "try for another child" business. Concentrate on you first. Let him sort out himself. As soon as he remembers what an absolutely gorgeous woman he married he will kick himself for being such a numpty and allowing himself to let the relationship to become stale. It takes two - so get him to put the effort in. You are worth it.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

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You have no idea how relieved I am to have someone answer. I know many people go through this, and it isn't always a happy ending. I tend to doom and gloom things to death anyway, I just over think.

 

It came as a shock. Not the discussing having more children, we'd been talking about that for a long time. He's always said he wants lots of kids. Even before marriage. The shock was the fact that he's wanting to leave.

 

I told him that I think it is wrong, but I respect his decision to go figure out things for himself.

 

We are so isolated, and our grasp on the language is mediocre, at best. Several of my co-workers speak English, but I don't want to confide all my troubles in them, even though they're my friends. See, they're his friends too. I don't want him to think I'm trying to turn people against him, or push him for my side. If he's going to make this decision, I'd rather it be honest. That way I can love him or hate him honestly, and not by my own manipulations.

 

I literally have no others to talk to, as facebook is blocked unless by VPN and my family is all in the states. I haven't even told them yet. If I talk to my father, which I desperately want to do, he'll ask me to come home. And I feel so lonely, hurt, and vulnerable that he'd have no trouble talking me into it. If I go home, that will end the relationship. Taking his daughter from him is a absolute no-no.

 

Thank you for your time and post. I literally cried when you did.

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Marriage is always a challenge. How ever the vows, I am single mom in a foreign country too. I felt some of my story in yours. At beginning my ex did the same. But in your story if he was okay to have a 2nd baby and what happened all the sudden? I think that is what you need to find out. Because your story says everything went good. If I were you I am not going for a trial separation. In case if another one is the case then you are giving the chance to be with that person on your own. I think better to go for a marriage counselor if possible. He could marry you, he could have a baby with you after then he does not know what he wants , for me it seems too late for him to feel that way. What ever happens be strong. Some times it is much better being single mom than with people on the fence.

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WasOtherWoman

Sorry you are going through this. I guess what I am not understanding is what you are calling "separation"? I am assuming that no one is moving out, right?

 

I think, if I were you I would not label this as separation (I know, sounds like semantics) but you are not separating, you are trying to regain your closeness. Even though you have an agreement in place about the separation, I have never been a fan of people separating (either logically or physically) while trying to repair a marriage, especially one in which there has not been infidelity.

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My heart breaks for you.

 

 

I literally have a tear on my eye. You need a virtual hug. >>Hug<<

 

 

your communication is on point.

 

 

there's nothing else you can do. Its up to him now.

 

 

To be honest, I suggest you let this go. And by this I mean him.

 

 

hes not trying ... hes not invested anymore.

 

 

I know that many people will kind of tell you to work on it... but I know how this will truly work.

 

 

he wants excitement.... you give him excitement.

 

 

trust me when you put on some 4 inch heels and a nice miniskirt to go on a date with PEPE... his heart will start pounding and his hands will get all clammy... there goes the excitement he needed. mixed in with a little fear of loosing you forever.

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It is a separation. Right now, he's emotionally separated. He is actively looking for a place to stay. We will sign an agreement when he moves out.

 

There was infidelity, two years ago. Our daughter was still tiny and I was completely tuned out to his needs. We got through it, and he isn't showing the same signs as before. I never found evidence at that time, I caught him out with his behavior. He knows, for sure, if there was even the hint of another woman, I would walk. I would walk out the door, onto a plane, and back to the States. Even if this separation didn't work out for us, and it turns out he was seeing someone else while away, I would leave. That is something I will not forgive a second time. I gave a second chance because of circumstances and our daughter. The agreement will contain that during the time of our separation there will be no dating for either side. I'm going to ask someone to witness it. I'm hoping that this kind of separation will either give us time to heal and reconnect, or we can separate amicably because we've worked on ourselves for six months.

 

Personally, I would not do a separation either. But he is a person, and I can not stop him from finding whatever answers he is seeking. I love him, and I want him to be happy. I hope against current circumstances that it will be with me, but it is a very, very small hope.

 

I'm trying to protect mine and my daughter's hearts, in the end. I feel more secure in myself if there are rules. A willy nilly separation would just have me flying off the handle and texting and begging him every five minutes. I don't want to become that.

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WasOtherWoman

Ok, I hear what you are saying. I guess I just have any experience with separating, especially where there are rules involved.

 

It just seems to me that if there is no one else involved, there is no reason for folks to be living apart while trying to recover their marriage.

 

If he is the one pushing for this, I have to say I would seriously wonder if there is someone else (not suggesting he is already involved), but please tread carefully....

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I am treading carefully, but the whole situation we are in works against it.

1) He has no facebook, so no connections there

2) He's at home all the damn time, playing on a 4-chan type message board, which is mostly dudes who have a hard time socially and women with complexes who play with online emotions and wouldn't have the money to fly all the way to China. Neither does he have the money with the way he spends it to fly all the way back home. He won't be able to save up the money after moving either, because he'll have bills like rent, electricity, water, and childcare.

3) We live in a really rural place for more than a year now. The whole town(8,000 which is really small for China) knows us and loves me and my daughter because we interact with the locals daily. I would have heard by now if he had somehow gotten out of the house without announcing it with our very loud doors and hallways and gone out with a girl. I had to buy a pregnancy test one day, at a pharmacy across the town, and the next day, across the street from the school, a lady at a local convenience store asked if I was pregnant. That's amazing word of mouth right there.

4) Really frowned upon here. If he does commit adultery (girlfriend while married) and someone at the school (me or someone else) reports it, the Moral Education Board can terminate his contract based on behavior. I don't think he'd risk it.

 

I find myself going through a rote of emotions at the moment. I was really sad, but for some reason, I am a bit more confident. Regardless of how it turns out, I'll be ready. If he gives up after trying for 6 months, then he wasn't worth the spit he licked his lips with when he said his vows. If he decides to work on things, there would have to be new relationship foundations built. I'm willing to work. That's all there is to it.

 

I've drawn my lines in the sand. And to be sure, I do think the more confident me is sexier.

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And the thing about the pregnancy and getting cold feet... apparently it happens often. Men like the idea, but when it could be a reality and they start thinking about it... it can become an issue. It is more responsibility, more money, more adjusting. We had talked about money and contract issues about having another baby, but really none of the other stuff.

 

Being pregnant with my daughter, I had a lot of health issues due to my diabetes. I'm sure that remembering that part didn't help the situation either.

 

He said the more scared he got, the more he got to questioning the future. I think he questioned himself into a place where he basically threw himself off balance and doesn't know what he wants because he can't figure out why he's questioning everything over one event. So he's questioning why he's questioning himself.

 

So I can see how he got himself there. He just doesn't understand that I'm here to support and help him through it, willing to change things so he is more comfortable, and if he doesn't want any more kids ever, fine by me.

 

He's going to miss a lot of things, moving out. I don't envy him. It will be easier for me because all of the household things I did already so nothing changes for me there, except I'll have LESS mess to clean up.

 

He can't cook either so... I'm happy I won't be having his diet.

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You shouldn't be having his diet anyway, if you prefer serving else. That is what happens when we lose ourselves in a marriage. You are strong and confident, just let him have what he asks for. To me, it appears you may be trying to wrap your arms around the situation to "control" it - so it doesn't get out of hand.

 

But it already is - he is actively looking for a another place to live, and you are designing a "rulebook" that you want to entitle "The Trial Separation." the reason, that the rulebook had reassessment benchmarks is to help you from the disaster of limbo. This system will only put pressure on him, especially the "signing ceremony," in my opinion.

 

Leave him be. Let him have what he asked for. Give him a chance to miss you. Create your own personal benchmarks and act on them (eithout announcing them). This may very well be a time you need to be with close family. Yas

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I am very sorry for your situation and the heartache that it has caused. The things that your husband is saying is consistent with what spouses often say to justify leaving a marriage. There is a book that I highly recommend that would be very, very helpful. It is titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. I believe in it so much that I would personally do whatever it takes to secure it as soon as possible. It is a step-by-step guide on how to handle a situation just like yours.

 

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you are interested in some help from a Christian perspective, there may be a referral I can give you to a ministry that provides free counseling. It would depend, however, on what country you are living in. If you are interested send me a private message. I hope things turn around - be blessed.

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I understand that what I'm doing may be just a way of controlling things to help myself feel better.

 

I have slept on it and tend to agree that having someone be a witness might not be such a good idea. I haven't involved others, and I'm kind of reluctant to do so now.

 

If this is it, that it is over, I'd feel better knowing that I stood up for my marriage in the only way I knew how. Structured separations are typically used for those situations where one or both partners are ambivalent about the relationship. It gives them time, and space, and enough parameters that should there be progress, great. If not, then both can gradually move on to a place that is better.

 

What we'll be doing is setting some ground rules. It also helps with shared parenting of our daughter. I want this to hurt her as little as possible, if possible. Though she's two, she already is experiencing some major attachment issues that she never displayed before. She thinks that *I'm* going to leave her. I can only assure her that I'm not going away. We don't fight, so there's none of that going on to disturb her.

 

When he leaves, I'm not going to contact him about anything other than our daughter. I'm going to give him what he wants. If he wants to reconnect, the option will be open to him. Whether or not I'll want to is open for debate. At the moment, yes, I feel desperate to do so. But rational voices have been going off inside of me saying that things may change for me, as well as for him, down the road.

 

If he wants to experience living on his own, so be it. If he wants to abandon what we've made... I think it is wrong, and horrible, but he will do what he wants to do. I can't stop him. But I feel like I'm giving him the opportunity to evaluate while maintaining a peaceful heart on my side.

 

I feel utterly destroyed, inside. I feel stupid. I feel lost. But planning for possible outcomes is what helps me to cope, and planning for my possible future without him forever is helping.

 

 

I do know, that during the first while of being separated, he will feel relieved, but that may not last. I've been researching for hours, and I have a pretty good idea how things *MAY* go. I don't know for sure, because no two people are the same. He's an individual who may or may not be like those I've read about. Only time will tell. I stood up for myself, and that's all I can do.

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But after the negative results, he still behaved very oddly. He wasn't as affectionate anymore, his sleep schedule changed, he spends a lot of time on message boards, ignores daughter and I for long periods of time, and was generally in a state of malaise.

 

So I confronted him and asked what was wrong. Through a series of heartbreaking conversations over the last week and a half, I've learned that the possibility of me being pregnant scared him so much he is now questioning everything. Questioning what he wants in the future, questioning if he wants this relationship, unsure if I'm the one he wants to be with, unsure if I'm the one he's supposed to be with for life. He now wants to separate to find out if this relationship is what he wants in the future. He now treats me like a room mate.

 

We've very stable, have good jobs and schedules, just not a lot of excitement, especially this summer break, where we really didn't go out and do much. Up until now, we've had a very healthy sex life. I cook, clean, take care of the baby, generally let him do what he wants, and support him in all that he wants to do. I'm a diabetic, but I take care of myself so I'm healthy, and not unattractive. He still finds me attractive, he says. He is just unsure about the future and about his feelings for me.

I don't buy it, a 31-yr old twice married father of one doesn't panic at the thought of another child. There's another truth here, something else at the core of this you haven't discovered yet. And when you do, while the heartbreak won't be lessened, things will make more sense. Good luck and keep posing...

 

Mr. Lucky

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There is more to it, yes. He mentioned wanting to try being by himself, code for being single, in my book.

 

I get it. He went straight from his parents house, to being in the army, to getting married and was with someone he didn't get along with very well for nearly ten years. It all happened to him when he was really young. It could be depression, quarter life crisis, or grass is greener. I don't know.

 

I do know, however, that after standing up for myself, I am stronger than he thinks I am. I know this is going to hurt. It is going to hurt more than I can imagine. The longer I look at it, the more things make sense. Maybe he does want to date around. Fine.

 

Someone who would break my heart and leave me doesn't deserve me. I'm better than that. The terrible part about knowing that is my heart doesn't agree, and hurts so much. I'm going to be devastated. I know this. It doesn't prepare me for when it actually happens. But I know its coming, and I know I have it in me to recover.

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Just popped back to see how you are doing.

 

I have been reading your posts and to me it sounds as though you are both very isolated. Although the people around you sound wonderful you have the language barriers as well as cultural barriers. It is lovely that the people around you clearly care about you so much.

 

Remember that when people are confused they tend to say things that are not necessarily what they think or feel and its to try and get through the confusion. Being "by yourself" can often mean taking time out to muddle your way through all the ideas in your head so you know what you think. I often go off somewhere where I will not be found so I can go through things in my head and work them out.

 

I think that you are doing wonderfully. You are clearly a very strong woman. But like I said before. He fell in love with you. It is very easy to lose touch with who you are when you have little ones to look after, work to worry about and a home to run. It sounds as though getting out and being more sociable with the people around you would do you the world of good.

 

Slap on a bit of mascara and some lip gloss so you can feel good about yourself. Eat the food you like and pamper yourself in those silly ways that you used to. Be yourself. Take your little one out for walks and breathe. Learn more of the language and about the local culture so you can be more involved and not feel so alone.

 

Your husband sounds like he is fed up, bored and stuck in a rut. He will have to get himself out of that but you can show him the way as he will be watching you. If he can see you are making good decisions and leading the way I suspect he will start to make his own, come home and make more of an effort.

 

Finally. No, it is not fine for him to date others at this point. You are on a trial separation to sort out some issues, not one with the intention of it leading to divorce. Big difference in the two. Keep sticking your foot down and tell him he must treat you with dignity and respect. Be kind, patient and nice to him but do not at any point let him trample on you..!

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