Is Neutral Good Enough?

[AlreadyGone1]

My husband and I have been separated for 9 months, married for 6 years. Both of us are under 30; we married young and both spent our entire 20s in college and graduate school. Long story very short, by the time we both finished school and started actually spending time together, I felt like I hardly knew him. He was distant from me emotionally, we stopped having sex, and that vicious cycle began. We found ourselves in a horrible silent resentful marriage, not speaking, him insulting me in front of friends, me avoiding going home to keep from seeing him.

 

I moved out after the verbal abuse got out of hand and I was told multiple times that I didn't deserve to live in our house. If that's how he felt, I didn't want to live there anyway. He had begun to throw and break things - lamps, mirrors, personal items of mine. We didn't exchange a single word for two weeks before I left. Two weeks of crushing, suffocating silence.

 

I know I had my part in it. I felt no connection to him and was tired of being a mother figure. I let my motivation die. I was happier spending time with my friends and trying to find ways to be away from home (work, socializing) than spending time trying to get him to change.

 

Anyway, 9 months have gone by. He has definitely changed in some ways. The verbal abuse and insults stopped. He started texting or calling "just to see how I'm doing," something that he never did the entire time we were married. However, he is still fairly financially negligent, has trouble paying bills on time (not for lack of money, just disorganization), and he hasn't really given me any indication that he is desperately in love with me and wants me back. He has said probably twice or three times that he wants me to come home. One time, at a dinner at which I intended to tell him I wanted a divorce, he did say he wanted to make a life with me. But even when he is saying the words, I am not feeling the feelings. Somehow it doesn't touch me, or move me the way I thought it would or wanted it to.

 

I am willing to give him credit and acknowledge the change I see. It hasn't been enough for me to go running back into his arms. But sometimes (especially when I'm lonely or think of being a divorcee at 30, or have to cheerily congratulate friends on their pregnancies), I think to myself that it might not be so bad. If he's "okay", is that really the end of the world? To be in an "okay" marriage? I know that sounds awful, but does anyone understand what I mean? Perhaps its a devil-you-know situation. I can say that I do have respect for him, think he is a hard worker, an excellent provider, a generally decent human being, and we have shared a lot. However, I have not been able to muster the romance, the desire to say "I miss you so much," or the desire to be intimate with him. I feel very much like we are nothing more than friends. I wish I were feeling strongly one way or another; it was easy to pick up and move out when he was being a total jerk.

 

I guess my question for people who are also separated and debating going home is, what did/does/will it take for you to want to go back? Is feeling "ok" about your spouse enough? Or are you setting yourself up for a repeat performance? Is apathy towards your spouse a sign?

 

Thanks in advance!