lostinmidwest Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Long story short wife and I have been married 10 yrs. We seperated about 5 months ago. She has never wanted to be seperated and constantly told me so. We have 3 kids so we are almost always in communication. I moved out a month after we seperated. I took it as I was single and told her that. She said it didn't matter what I did but she didn't not want to be with me and she wouldn't be dating/sex ect at all. I have since had 2 different partners and don't discuss this with her. Now the kicker. She just told me that she slept with a guy a couple months ago. Says it was only the one time and that was it. And now she wants to get back together. I was receptive of this befor and after I knew about her sleeping with this guy. I know I should forgive and forget as she wasn't the only one. But I haven't slept more than an hour a night since she told me and cannot come to terms with it? Am I crazy? What have other people done in this situation. I already had trust issues with her due to an emotional affair with an ex of hers that she says nothing beyond emails happened. I guess I am just looking for a little advice. I love her but don't want to go back and be seperated again in a year because I can't get over what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Err sorry but you made this bed. You had 2 girlfriends but it isn't OK for her to have a boyfriend? Sorry but yes you are being crazy, double standards, hypocritical. However you want to call it. You made your choices and now you have to live with the consequences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinmidwest Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 The "am I crazy" was the me not being able to come to terms with it. I am not trying to hold a double standard but trying to get some advice on how to help me come to terms with it. I love her and want to see if we can make it work but don't want this to cause a split again because I can't let it go when I know I should. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 lostinmidwest, If you truly cannot now get over that she is as much a sexual being as you are, then do not even try to reconcile. Not only that, but that sex does not always mean an emotional connection or even something that we really, deeply desire to do for our well-being. What was your mental and/or emotional state when you took those not-your-wife sex partners? What were you hoping to gain or prove or feel within yourself? You already know, I am sure, the irrational, illogical double-standard that you are imposing -- or trying to impose -- on your wife/stbx's behaviour. What makes you think that it is okay for you to do that now, and what makes you believe that it might be okay for you to carry that forward? (OF COURSE, it is a double-standard. If you want to argue that, then also do not even try to reconcile.) You might want to check the 'infidelity' section at Marriage Builders before you make any final decisions about anything. Link to post Share on other sites
OnwardandUpward Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I'm sorry but this got me because I can't get over what she did Why are you looking at what she did? She did not betray you. You have been with two different women - you moved out? She had sex with someone. I am not pouncing on you - just trying to say that you should be looking at you and not at her. Why did you leave her? Why did you bring two other women into your life? Why do you want to reconcile? Why are you jealous of her being with a man? Do you see her as your property or as the woman she is? Do you understand that she has feelings in this? Do you understand that she has the right to right and wrong? There just a few questions that you should be asking yourself and really examining as you start to work thru this - but to let go of her supposed behaviour - first you must examine your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinmidwest Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 I appreciate the reply so far. I will try and respond in order. I don't know if that's what I am supposed to do but oh well. I do realize that she is a sexually being. Our sex life wasn't great and was a part of why we seperated. We have talked about this while we have been separated and is something we both regret. My partners since we seperated were not emotional at all. I think I was hoping to just feel wanted again. I understand this is a double standard and I also understand that it's not ok. This is why I am here looking for advice. I am looking at what she did. We both have talked about what we both did. She says she can forgive and forget. I want to be able to. I know there isn't some magical solution to all of this that will change my thinking overnight. I want to reconcile because I do love her and want her to be with me. She used to be my best friend and the lack of communication over the last few years changed that. I am jealous she was with another man. I don't see her as my property and know she has feelings . I guess I am just lost. I know I can't hold her to a double standard and I am trying not to. I don't hate her nor am I angry with her over this. Me getting over it is all about me not her. She is willing to move on with mine i should he able to do theither same. I want to reconcile with her but I am having b trouble gettino over this. Link to post Share on other sites
OnwardandUpward Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Please understand I am not pouncing you. I am trying to point things out to you as i see. My partners since we seperated were not emotional at all. Here you just down played your role - i really do not know how to express what i am feeling but wether yours were emotional or not - you had two other women. Even if you do not view this in an emotional setting - your wife will and does. Yet she is willing to forgive and forget. The minute you walked out that door - the marriage was over. It did not continue over the years - it ended at that moment - the contract was broken the day you stepped out. What you did or what she did is irrelevant. The contract was broken and this was non negotiable. If a new contract is to be written as in a new commitment between you - you are not reconciling .. you are starting a new relationship. So if you met a knew woman and dated and fell in love and wanted to commit - would you be holding anything against her if she had sex with another man in her lifetime. NO Would this new woman care that you had two women and it was non emotional - no. She and you would only care about what happens or what each other does at the start of your coming together - not what each other did as singles in their old world. If you cant regonise that this is a new relationship for you and her - then id suggest maybe dating each other for awhile before making a huge leap. Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I do not think you're going to solve this one with logic, however excellent the logic and justice-related perspectives you are getting. Because your problem is not that she slept with someone; your problem, as you astutely point out, is that you are reeling with the beast Jealousy and you cannot get over it. It makes sense that you are in this agony. Not logical sense, because, hello, double-standard! But it makes sense, because you are human. Listen, jealousy is an expert, squinty-eyed sniper. It will get you even if it makes no sense. We feel jealous when we are wrong to feel jealous. I have a good friend who tried for years to get his problematic wife to leave him, just by neglecting her. Then, when she slept with someone after their separation, he went totally mad. He was a mess. He almost could not handle life. But he got better and so will you. I read (I think in the book "Conversations with the Dahli Lama," by the author of "Emotional Intelligence"), that the ONE thing that different couples from all different cultures have in common is: Jealousy. What makes them feel jealous, and what they do when they are jealous. So you have been stung. But the "can't get over it" part-- well, you can, and you will, but the only question (a big one) is, When? This next part is important: IF you can get over it by giving up the control that you want to retain over the relationship, the past, and in some part, her, then you will come out of this better and stronger. I don't know how you do it exactly. I got over jealousy once, but it was a unique circumstance in that I did it by going to graduate school and suddenly just having a new social life, new purpose, new rich world. Or you could take the old-fashioned cure, tried and true: Time. Link to post Share on other sites
Zeurich Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 you both did the same during that period she has told you that and you did not. So is not that you both in the same boat, getting back together or not I think you need to decide your self. If you were married for 10 years think how far you have had times together how far negative how far positive Link to post Share on other sites
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