Where to begin, and how much do you prepare?

[lxndr]

So... This is it.

 

Planning on leaving my wife and asking for divorce. Details in another thread of mine, but not truly important to this I don't think.

My question is, how do you start? Currently, just searching for apartments and homes that are dog friendly and won't break my student budget while trying to get ahold of insurance agencies. Basically sorting my finances for when I'm gone.

 

I just feel so guilty, she seems to still think our relationship is fine somehow, and I'm trying to scrape together everything I can to make sure I'm not going to be on the street when I leave.

And the method... In my head it's just, "I want a divorce. I'm leaving." But... Option of clearing my things out comes to mind, and I feel like the easiest thing to do would be to get a place, clear everything out while she's in class, and then tell her when she comes home.

 

But, I feel like that's just an awful thing to do, and... Cold.

I love this woman, but I can't be with her anymore. I'm aware I'm going to crush her by asking for this. Just... I don't want to make it any harder than it needs to be, and I don't want to be a huge dick about it - obviously going to come off as an ass: I'm leaving her. Just... Feel there's a better way than her coming home one day to a half empty house and a note on the kitchen table saying I'm gone.

 

Any suggestions from those who can understand would be incredibly helpful.

[zan]

I think there is a rule in life which, if all of us would adhere to, we would all be so much human and better off with our own lives:

 

"Don't do to others what you wouldn't like them to do to you".

Or in other words: "Behave to others the way you would like them to behave to you".

 

Although when it comes to announcing a divorce it's by no means easy, you will have to think how you would like to hear it if it was coming from her. With honnesty, right? So find the proper words, be honnest, short, to the point but not mean, but do tell her face to face. Even if it's difficult, in the long run you will both feel better about it.

[lxndr]

So, this is apparently no longer needed.

 

Wife couldn't sleep last night, and when I woke up this morning she asked me if I still loved her, conversation went on. And... Now I just feel nothing but guilty. She begged me not to end it, said she'd do anything to fix it, but just feel it's past that and I can't do a repeat of these last couple years.

 

Just emotionless and guilt. Guess now I just... Move into spare bedroom and try to figure next step?

[Mr. Lucky]

And the method... In my head it's just, "I want a divorce. I'm leaving." But... Option of clearing my things out comes to mind, and I feel like the easiest thing to do would be to get a place, clear everything out while she's in class, and then tell her when she comes home.

 

While there's no single right way, this is clearly the wrong way. I'd be pissed at a roommate that did this, much less a spouse.

 

Man up, look her in the eye and tell her what you're doing. Hurt is inevitable in the process.

 

From your threads, sure seems like you're bailing early in the process. But your choice to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

It sounds like she is at least aware of your dissatisfaction but does she realize how unhappy you are and realize how serious you are?

 

Have you two been to MC yet?

 

If not I think in order for both of you to sleep at night and move on without overwhelming baggage you at least need to give it an honest shot.

 

In my own personal experience, it took the counselor looking my wife in the eye and telling her that I had a very realistic, practical plan in place for a divorce and a realistic vision of my post-divorce life before she woke up and took the situation seriously.

 

My recommendation is start getting your divorce ducks in a row. Start shoring up your finances, see a divorce attorney and start coming up with a game plan and drawing up papers but don't file and don't put money down on a new place yet.

 

Then make an appointment with a MC. Tell her you made the appt. if she balks or refuses it's all over anyway so go ahead and hand her the papers and make the deposit and start packing.

 

If she opts to work on it in counseling, the first appt with the MC lay it all on the table and tell them both the plans you have made and even show them the papers and the preparations you have made.

 

Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. If she folds and throws in the towel you have your answer.

 

If she capitulates and asks for one more chance, lay it all on the table on what you need to live a happy healthy marriage.

 

If you both agree to try, she will know if she is cutting the mustard or dropping the ball. If she drops the ball it won't come as a shock when the papers come and you start packing and each of you will he able to sleep at night knowing you each were aware of the situation and made an honest try.

[Mirages]

Oldshirt has a good plan there.

 

It also helps to know some insight into mental stability, if she has family local, if the cause is anything that could result in violence or frame-up against you.

 

Interview locals who have dealt with your court system in divorce, and your laws, to get a feel for what kind of gov't/police action can assist you if she goes nuts. This topic varies from quick reasonable court hearings, to waiting 6+ months for a hearing... From "Police cannot assist with civil matters," to more involvement. I do not judge the courts, making a perfect gov't is impossible. Just know, you need to investigate this channel to prepare.

 

I lived thru armageddon, full conflict for months, kids and all, and am better off now. I also do not ever advocate packing up and leaving a note on the table.

 

Also I would attach to a moderate, and large church. I would only do so if you have some positive regard for God (just my thing), but such a place can offer emergency housing, and other support if you get in a mess.

 

Finally, after announcement, tape record all interactions discretely as permitted by law. Divorces vary so widely, that general questions without more details can be a challenge for more.

 

Hang in there.