Betrayed & Depressed...

[zan]

Hi All,

I'm here because I reached to a point where I have noone left to talk to... Severely depressed and need help / advise or simply to just let it out of my chest. So here is my story (will try to make it as short as possible):

I'm man, 41. Met my partner in 2002. Love at first sight. Common decision not to get married but definetely commited to each other (so will refer to her as "wife"). Completely diferent backrounds, different personalities but so far felt that our differences together made one complete very good union if you know what I mean. Have 2 kids (boys) in 2005 & 2008. In 2004 we decided to make a business together (I invest cash / she runs the business whilst I still kept my regular - employee - job). 2008 economical crisis gradually puts us in debt. 2009 I loose my job - stay home with kids whilst she struggles with the business. 2011: Debt leads us to a point where we declare bankrupt and have to move country where I can find a job. So here we are in a new country, with a good job for me but struggling to bring in money for the house and pay off debt left behind whilst she is at home with kids without a job (note: she's a very active person). I am so commited to my job that I acknowledge having left her alone emotionally in a foreign country, very little friends and social events, so she falls into depression. Summer 2013 she goes on hols with the kids whilst I stay back working (without any vacation taken since I got that job). Comes back in September 2013, I start getting huge phone bills, she's opens a FB account (she hated any social media before)... In November 2013 I finally find out (by spying on her phone) that she met another man during these past summer holidays. I get mad but we decide to work on it and get over it. I spend more time with her but can't help having ups and downs. January 2014, she says she has to go for a trip for familly reasons. Before leaving she promises "I am the one and only for her". I immdiately find out she went to see him! (Note that she still has no job and I've been paying for all, trips, phones, etc.). At her return we decide to split. Find myself a studio (and still pay for me, her and kids 100%). April: she says "come back, I love you, I was stupid, bla bla bla". I fall for it, but when I get back and set some rules re money and communications, next thing I know is she still talks to the other guy and spends ridiculous money. So I loose it: big fight, I push her around (did not hit her!) and break her iPhone... She calls the police claiming I hit her / I spend a night in prison whilst she runs off (with the kids) back to the other guy for a couple of weeks... So off I am once more and hopefully for good - but still paying for everything as she still has no job. This time, being commited to the separation, I start feeling better. I even met another woman and start a "rebound relationship" almost straight away. When she finds out about my relationship, she gets absolutely mad! That's when she decides to go see a therapist. A week later (in June) she calls me, talks to me, and convince me to give it another try. Let the other woman, leave my studio, back home again.... But there is no trust! So I start spying again. And I see on and off communication with the other guy still... I confront her about it and she says it is just not easy to let go of him they were in love (!) and he is feeling very bad about them splitting and she wants to help him get over it (!). At the same time she finds a job (finally) but it's a one off gig (good money) for 2 months, 16 hrs a day, 7 days a week. So here we are, summer time, I spend all my time with our kids and practically never see her until she ends her job. We have no time to talk about us, no trust restored, still communicating with the other guy. I can see no hope...

All this of course is my side of the story. Note that being in this foreign coutry it's been difficult having any friends here and any sort of support, which is why I am just letting it all off my chest here. Questions / advises, please shoot!

[zan]

Forgot to add something:

She tells me: "I love you and I am here" (meaning she's back with me). She claims that her "being here" involves me trying to win her back and make her fall in love with me again. She hasn't ask for foregivness and just says she wants "our" life back, but I feel she does nothing for it. She refuses to be open about her communications with others (which I still spy on and know it's with him and his entourage). But all this of course doesn't bring back trust and just drives me away rather than claiming her back.

[No Limit]

She's been playing you the whole time. Kick her to the curb, be firm with this decision and ignore all contact from her that don't involve the kids (unless they aren't yours).

 

There is no hope. She just needed someone to provide for her financially, and you played along. Get out of there, I actually can't believe you got from a good rebound relationship back to square 1; her doormat. And you don't have to be that, you're better and have far better options than that.

[zan]

Thanks No Limit. Truth hurts... but it is what I thought all along. But do keep in mind that this is my side of the story and I only expressed facts and feelings which are most important from my side of view. Her's are different. According to her I have been an @sshole for the last 5-4 yrs, and I must admit I have - I've let the economical stress take over me entirely. Still under no circumstances will I take her betrayal as my fault.

Fact is that if I "through her out" I cannot take care of the kids myself, have no time for it if I want to keep my job. If I go, she needs financial help for the kids and I'll have to provide for that (which I will anyway but only up to the max limit laws allow for, not more than that). Being in a foreign country with no help from parents / friends makes it impossible. So she will have to move back to our country and I will loose the kids for good.

What I'm doing now is just waiting for her to get a regular job and gradually become independent, so then we can decide who stays and who goes. I agree it is hopeless but I feel there is no other option than staying under the same ruff for a while. And that just kills me! And obviously it is affecting the kids too, which is the worst part.

[Yasuandio]

I'm sorry to hear your story. You are living a disasterous fantasy relationship based on hope. You are being used financially, and also as the fall-back guy in case her other relationship doesn't work out.

 

Why is this happening you? Because you invited it, and accept. And, she has become accustomed to the privileges.

 

The bottom line - that you need to hear in "man-speak," is: retrieve your balls out of her handbag." Once you gave her the green light - that was it with her, she showed you her character. You will have to UNLEARN to want her. Not an easy task.

 

BUT: I propose a covert method. Continue as a "dummy" until you get those kids in the proper jurisdiction - IF that is a factor in the countries you speak of. I'm an American - wherever the kids are, is usually where they stay. If that is the truth in your way of the world - then decide, where is the BEST PLACE.

 

Next, operation get wife motivated to move there. Play kiss kiss. Whatever you have to FAKE. Think of it as a military mission.

 

Concurrently, and during "Mission Move," gather all the proof. I don't care what they do or generalize about the Courts in your Country - collect evidence that looks as bad as possible.

 

Meanwhile - you will be learning about Detachment. When you begin to pull away, she will come towards. Just pretend.

 

Get to a doctor (not a therapist at first - you don't want psycho stuff on the record, unless it is really necessary), and see about the depression.

 

If you want to know how to get this two-timing woman back - we can show you some techniques that might work. In my opinion, she sounds easy. But be prepared to share her for the rest of her attractive years; that's a no-brainer. Hope this helps. I'll keep an eye out on you. Read the 180's. See the link below in my signature. Yas

Edited August 16, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Mr. Lucky]

You are her back up plan, plain and simple. We're you able to access all her communications, I'd guess there was a fight with OM that led her to contact you. And when he wants her back, off she'll go. Unless you want to be a role player and back-up catcher for the next decade, stay separated, get your affairs in order including visitation and get the divorce done.

 

Is there a chance she'd take the kids to another country? Where is OM?

 

Mr. Lucky

[zan]

I'm sorry to hear your story. You are living a disasterous fantasy relationship based on hope. You are being used financially, and also as the fall-back guy in case her other relationship doesn't work out.

 

Hope is gone Yas. From what I understood (through therapist), women's priority is such situations is to preserve the familly. Mine is just doing it very wrongly. Other rs isn't working out and she knows it but can't accept it.

 

Why is this happening you? Because you invited it, and accept. And, she has become accustomed to the privileges. True

 

The bottom line - that you need to hear in "man-speak," is: retrieve your balls out of her handbag." Once you gave her the green light - that was it with her, she showed you her character. You will have to UNLEARN to want her. Not an easy task.

 

BUT: I propose a covert method. Continue as a "dummy" until you get those kids in the proper jurisdiction - IF that is a factor in the countries you speak of. I'm an American - wherever the kids are, is usually where they stay. If that is the truth in your way of the world - then decide, where is the BEST PLACE. I'm in France and same laws apply here.

 

Next, operation get wife motivated to move there. Play kiss kiss. Whatever you have to FAKE. Think of it as a military mission. That mission has started already but perhaps I'm doing it wrong. Time will show.

 

Concurrently, and during "Mission Move," gather all the proof. I don't care what they do or generalize about the Courts in your Country - collect evidence that looks as bad as possible. No need for proof as 1) we are not married, 2) she has already acknoweldged that affair when she filed against me in police station and that's on records.

 

Meanwhile - you will be learning about Detachment. When you begin to pull away, she will come towards. Just pretend.

 

Get to a doctor (not a therapist at first - you don't want psycho stuff on the record, unless it is really necessary), and see about the depression.

Been there but I just hate it. Fact is that when I was out, I was so much better, not depressed. Just need to get out again.

 

If you want to know how to get this two-timing woman back - we can show you some techniques that might work. In my opinion, she sounds easy. But be prepared to share her for the rest of her attractive years; that's a no-brainer. Hope this helps. I'll keep an eye out on you. Read the 180's. See the link below in my signature. Yas

 

 

180's read and found very useful, thanks. Cannot apply them all yet though.

[zan]

You are her back up plan, plain and simple. We're you able to access all her communications, I'd guess there was a fight with OM that led her to contact you. And when he wants her back, off she'll go. Unless you want to be a role player and back-up catcher for the next decade, stay separated, get your affairs in order including visitation and get the divorce done.

 

Is there a chance she'd take the kids to another country? Where is OM?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Legally she cannot take the kids and go out of the country, but nobody can stop her other than the fact that I am now hidding their passports.

 

OM is in other country. He's a poor bugger, 13 yrs younger than her and they both know their affair cannot be anything else than a short romance story. It made her feel young and alive again (which to a certain extent I can sympathise with given the situation in which we both lived in over the last few years).

 

I just wish she could speak about it with honnesty. Through my spying (which she says is discusting and drives her off) I discovered so many messages where she talks to him about her feelings and life with me. She knows I found these but will not discuss them with me. She will not discuss anything related to this affair. She just wants me to forget everything, let her finish the other rs in her own way, me to get to be the man I was (kind and sympathetic) so she can get back with me with her heart. But I don't think this is the way after a betrayal so I get even more mad.

 

We see a couple therapist which she found. I previously had someone else but she didn't like him (because he told her that she's an immature adolescent and a narcsissist). The therpist she found tends to be on her side and treats me like I have issues with my childhood (which may be true but that's just not the issue right now). So I stopped going to therpists.

 

The way I see it going forward now, is with one of the following options:

1) give her the kids passports, invite her (force her) to go so I find my peace.

2) Stay under same ruff (we sleep apart anyway) and find myself a mistress as well.

3) She finally decides to speak with honnesty and we gradually work on it.

But at this point in time absolutely no option of the above is satisfactory to me...

[zan]

 

The bottom line - that you need to hear in "man-speak," is: retrieve your balls out of her handbag." Once you gave her the green light - that was it with her, she showed you her character. You will have to UNLEARN to want her. Not an easy task.

 

As a matter of fact, I would appreciate a woman's perspective and advise on this. Girls, please?

[Mr. Lucky]

[quote=zan;5856461

 

The way I see it going forward now, is with one of the following options:

1) give her the kids passports, invite her (force her) to go so I find my peace.

2) Stay under same ruff (we sleep apart anyway) and find myself a mistress as well.

3) She finally decides to speak with honnesty and we gradually work on it.

But at this point in time absolutely no option of the above is satisfactory to me...

 

Why not:

 

4) You divorce her, be the best Father you can be to your kids and move on with your life? There are relationships out there where you're not checking your partner's phone daily. ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Thanks No Limit. Truth hurts... but it is what I thought all along. But do keep in mind that this is my side of the story and I only expressed facts and feelings which are most important from my side of view. Her's are different. According to her I have been an @sshole for the last 5-4 yrs, and I must admit I have - I've let the economical stress take over me entirely. Still under no circumstances will I take her betrayal as my fault.

Fact is that if I "through her out" I cannot take care of the kids myself, have no time for it if I want to keep my job. If I go, she needs financial help for the kids and I'll have to provide for that (which I will anyway but only up to the max limit laws allow for, not more than that). Being in a foreign country with no help from parents / friends makes it impossible. So she will have to move back to our country and I will loose the kids for good.

What I'm doing now is just waiting for her to get a regular job and gradually become independent, so then we can decide who stays and who goes. I agree it is hopeless but I feel there is no other option than staying under the same ruff for a while. And that just kills me! And obviously it is affecting the kids too, which is the worst part.

 

There is no justification for adultery. If a spouse is unhappy he/she talks, or at the very least attempts to talk. Besides, there are marriage vows, and "go look for sex elsewhere when times are tough" isn't one of them.

 

Is she even actively looking for a job, or just doing it half-heartedly?

In the meantime, if staying really is your plan, attempt to remain seperated in your place. Get an own room that she does not go into (get keys for it if necessary); this way you'll get your space.

And do what you like. If you would like to find love, go out and do so. Your hopefully soon-to-be-ex can moan all she wants, it's your life.

[Yasuandio]

As a matter of fact, I would appreciate a woman's perspective and advise on this. Girls, please?

 

YAS is a female perspective. And here it is for you on a Silver Platter:

 

She is having an hormonal blast banging this younger guy. He has it going on more than a guy that is 13 years older than him in the sex department - physically, in all likelihood. If he is a loser, and doesn't work, then he really has time to get it on. That is additive to your wife - and while it is happening, she has no thought of you in her mind.

 

Even if she is meeting him in a broken down old school bus in a junk yard to get down to business, that gives her more pleasure and ecstasy than being at a five star hotel with full room service, jucuzi, and daily massages with you.

 

Hormones, period. There is nothing you can do until this guy is finished with her, and he will be.

 

NOW, that is a woman's perspective. I understand exactly where her head is at, believe me. But I cannot relate to her not responding to you properly (dropping this guy) when you are willing to make things right.

 

I suggest you stop wanting her - As I stated before. Rebuff her. She is doing something called "Cake-Eating." Don't give her any more cake, man!

 

You must make yourself happy without her. Next reading I recommend to you is Homer - he talks about how you have to be happy on you own (among many other controversial methods). He is a smart, salty older man - I've actually spoken to him. I know what he would tell you. The 3 sentence method - and stick to it. Read that link of short articles, and listen to the tapes about ten times each till you get it in your head. Same link below - it's free.

 

Then - google "cake-eating" and see what you find. Meanwhile, stick to 180's and keep posting. Yas

 

DIFFERENT TAKE:

 

I could see - where, since you are not married, that she is a free agent. There are no vows, no legal commitment to you. Now whose problem is that? Why did you not marry her?

[aliveagain]

Friend, you can be a great father without being married to a cheater. If she cheats on you before your married she will cheat on you after your married. She certainly has your number, a true remorseful spouse would do anything to prove their worth another chance. Telling you she is in love with other man should be all you need to know. My guess is O/M can't give her the lifestyle you can, your her security, her back up plan, other man has her heart and the rest she will share with both of you.

 

Decide what you want and if it includes her tell her what your boundaries are, if she can't agree to them ask her to leave. It's better to know now than waste another couple of years in false reconciliation. Staying with her for the kids is the wrong reason to stay together. You deserve better than a relationship where your spouse is actively dating.

[zan]

YAS is a female perspective. And here it is for you on a Silver Platter: Sorry, couldn't guess.

 

She is having an hormonal blast banging this younger guy. He has it going on more than a guy that is 13 years older than him in the sex department - physically, in all likelihood. If he is a loser, and doesn't work, then he really has time to get it on. That is additive to your wife - and while it is happening, she has no thought of you in her mind. Agree. Just fyi, he's in another country

 

Even if she is meeting him in a broken down old school bus in a junk yard to get down to business, that gives her more pleasure and ecstasy than being at a five star hotel with full room service, jucuzi, and daily massages with you. Not only agree, she told me so.

 

Hormones, period. There is nothing you can do until this guy is finished with her, and he will be. I've talked to the guy and I honnestly think he's done. I think she's not done.

 

NOW, that is a woman's perspective. I understand exactly where her head is at, believe me. But I cannot relate to her not responding to you properly (dropping this guy) when you are willing to make things right.

 

I suggest you stop wanting her - As I stated before. Rebuff her. She is doing something called "Cake-Eating." Don't give her any more cake, man!

Cake has stopped but my sole presence gives her reassurance.

 

You must make yourself happy without her. Next reading I recommend to you is Homer - he talks about how you have to be happy on you own (among many other controversial methods). He is a smart, salty older man - I've actually spoken to him. I know what he would tell you. The 3 sentence method - and stick to it. Read that link of short articles, and listen to the tapes about ten times each till you get it in your head. Same link below - it's free.

 

Then - google "cake-eating" and see what you find. Meanwhile, stick to 180's and keep posting. Yas

 

DIFFERENT TAKE:

 

I could see - where, since you are not married, that she is a free agent. There are no vows, no legal commitment to you. Now whose problem is that? Why did you not marry her?

 

I agree with all you say but just can't believe she's up for it with whoever. Not yet at least. She's been a good mother and a good wife before all this and there were no secrets. As a matter of fact, she thought I was having an affair, all my maners said so but I only had an affair with my job.

 

On the different take; I didn't want to marry. We had discussed it at the beginning and as neither of us is religious we agreed it was just a social event which we didn't care for. But the heart was there to be together for good and worse for the rest of our lives.

 

As we can no longer discuss without a fight, I wrote her a letter and gave her the following options:

1) she commits to making things better between us with all sacrificies that this means from her side.

2) As I will not leave again and pay for everything, I just stay till she gets financially stable and then I leave paying only what I legally must.

3) She leaves the kids to me and she goes wherever she pleases.

4) She takes the kids and go (change of country) which is illegal but if that is what she wants I am prepared to discuss it.

 

I write to her that a reply must be given soon as I am (and will be) extremely bad to her until she does. I'm in a living hell and continue to be until one of the above options is chosen by her and commitment to that option made with a timeframe.

 

I've done it all wrong and perhaps continue to do so... Still have force in me though to pesrsist in my commitment "for good and worse till death do us apart". I WILL NOT LEAVE UNTILL SHE COMMITS to any of the options above, even if that means hell for me, her and, unfortunately, the kids (which are ok by the way although they know we may split again).

[zan]

Update: this letter with the options to her obviously didn't work and resulted in a verbal agression from her saying that I am and have been a bad husband and bad father, that I am unstable, that whatever happened between us including her affair I am to blame for it and all this just drives her further away. I said I only want to see some sort of rumourse from her to which she replied "Do not expect me to fall at your feet and beg for forgivness". She asked for NC until she finishes her job end of August and that at least is perfectly acceptable by me.

For God's sake I just hope she immediately finds a permanent job in september so I can move out....

[thedude1974]

Update: this letter with the options to her obviously didn't work and resulted in a verbal agression from her saying that I am and have been a bad husband and bad father, that I am unstable, that whatever happened between us including her affair I am to blame for it and all this just drives her further away. I said I only want to see some sort of rumourse from her to which she replied "Do not expect me to fall at your feet and beg for forgivness". She asked for NC until she finishes her job end of August and that at least is perfectly acceptable by me.

For God's sake I just hope she immediately finds a permanent job in september so I can move out....

 

That's called blameshifting and it's a part of the cheater rationalization process, everything has to be your fault.

 

Your wife is not the person you commited to right now, there is no possible reasoning with her about anything. Lizard-brain mode.

 

Yas is right, listen to the Homer McDonald tapes and calmly giver her what she wants. Then go 180/dark about everything that is not related to children or divorce proceedings.

 

When the affair runs it course, you can decide if you are willing to give her the golden chance of getting back together, ON YOUR TERMS.

 

But she will have to do all the heavylifting, with total transparency, for starters.

She has to EARN you back to value you, if you decide to give her the chance.

 

If she isn't willing to do the heavylifting, you will have your answer.

 

My advice, file for divorce (you could always stop it later on, if she earns that right), don't discuss anything else, no point in that.

[Chi townD]

If I'm reading your original post correctly, you're not actually married to her. So, she's not a stupid girl. You are nothing more than financial stability and security. Because you're not married, she knows that the only thing she can get from you is child support. That's as far as you are obligated to her. Therefore, she wants you to take care of her while she's is still in contact with the OM. How is that fair to you?

 

 

The OM only views your girl as nothing more than an easy piece of ass. Nothing more. I mean, he's more than a decade younger than your girl and he wasn't ready (or really didn't want) a make shift family. She went to him for a few weeks and he kicked her ass to the curb and she came running back to you. And, like an idiot, you took her back. But, I have to say that I think the OM loves you more than your girl does. You take care of her and the kids and when he gets horny and wants an easy piece of ass, he calls your girl and she comes running. After he gets what he wants, he sends her back home to you. This dude probably wants to send you a thank you card. Again, how is this fair to you?

 

 

The fact that she has no remorse or guilt for what she did to you or the relationship kind of proves that she views you as a doormat. I mean, she's away at work. You get into a fight and now she wants NC until she comes home? Does that mean she isn't talking to her kids either? Now, you have to start to wonder if she's screwing some dude at her job site. This way she can continue to do what she's been doing without any interruptions from you.

 

 

Dude, I think it's time to move on. Talk to a lawyer and find out about your rights. It doesn't hurt to ask and see where you stand if you were to pull the plug on this sham of a relationship. And most lawyers will give you a free consultation to find this information out.

[zan]

Update:

So she quit her job on 22/8 - 7 days early before contract... usual for her, same as she's done for all her jobs.

Sat home for a week, no much communication, then decided yesterday to speak and ask: "so what is it you want from me?", I said "read the letter with the options I gave you".

She said "I want to keep the familly together - I am here - you have to come back to me"!!! Not good enough... Then started again blaming me for absolutely everything and saying that 3 years now I had stolen her liberty. I asked her to explain this, give me examples / arguments on how I restricted her in any way - silence....

Few hours later she said enough is enough, and opted for both of us leaving together until she finds another job.

I gave her 10 days after which I will move out whatever happens.

The End!

[Chi townD]

Update:

So she quit her job on 22/8 - 7 days early before contract... usual for her, same as she's done for all her jobs.

Sat home for a week, no much communication, then decided yesterday to speak and ask: "so what is it you want from me?", I said "read the letter with the options I gave you".

She said "I want to keep the familly together - I am here - you have to come back to me"!!! Not good enough... Then started again blaming me for absolutely everything and saying that 3 years now I had stolen her liberty. I asked her to explain this, give me examples / arguments on how I restricted her in any way - silence....

Few hours later she said enough is enough, and opted for both of us leaving together until she finds another job.

I gave her 10 days after which I will move out whatever happens.

The End!

 

 

Ummm... how are you restricting her liberties when she's the one that left YOU for another man? I didn't read anything about you chaining her to a piano to "restrict her liberty". She was free to come and go as she pleased and took the LIBERTY to do just that by moving in with some other dude. Don't buy into that crap.