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Separating and don't know what to expect


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Today I am officially moving out. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, especially since I have a 6 year old daughter.

 

My original thread is in the Infidelity sub forum (due to her texting male friends of hers..) where I debated whether to move out or stay. She implied that I leave. I'd like to keep the infidelity out of this topic. That's described in detail in my other thread.

 

Here's my attempt at giving the details :

 

My wife and I have been together 12 years (married 8) and we haven't had a real intimate relationship the last half of that time. For most of the last 7 years we haven't had much of a sexual relationship. Until, it seems, like we're about to end everything then there's an effort to bring that back.

 

I have been otherwise a very hard working, supportive and dedicated husband and father. My wife has not really acted too happy for a good while and so I just neglected her because she wasn't really available to talk to or communicate with. She watched a lot of TV and spent time on smart phone and I worked, made dinner, and played with daughter. We were like roommates.

 

A handful of times she would tell me she wanted change and we tried therapy. She wanted to feel like she was loved more than anything and she wanted to be happy. I would try and then things seemed ok so everything went right back to "normal". My job has been a big part of the stress that caused a lot of our issues but it allowed her to stay home with our daughter and she worked part time.

 

This past year things finally went south. Eventually leading to where we're at now. After my attempts of reasoning and pleading with her I was left with only one choice and that's to separate. She is completely sure that she wants to change her life and be happy.. She says she may have lost her mind. She'll be taking care of the house and kids without me there.

 

We've talked more the last few days than over the past several years it seems. She says she's not interested in dating anyone else , and that I'm welcome to come see my daughter anytime, and even come over and cook dinner. She said she liked it when I used to bring her gifts.. She even said that I could ask her out for a date? Right now I don't see that going well but that's what she said. She just says she would need something to spark feelings, and said she wanted to remember why we were in love when we first met. She's not attracted to me anymore due to years of a marriage lacking romance. We're decent/normal looking and I'm not abusive or lazy. She wanted me to take more initiative in our relationship and be more of a leader but it's almost like I am in a no win situation. I would have to change my personality. I thought I've done better for a while now but apparently she has been checked out for about a year now.

 

I don't know how to handle this really. I will not be going no contact, because of our daughter, and I moved 10 minutes away, and I think she's communicated to me that if anything at all would help to bring us back closer together, that being callous or disagreeable would not help.

 

I don't think she's being deceitful. I think she doesn't want to lead me on and make promises and give me false hope, but she still says that maybe she'll miss me and realize how crazy she is. She says (half jokingly) she feels like she's Bi polar or schizophrenic sometimes.

 

I know I need to let her get her "space". I know I have to be strong and take care of ME and not fear losing her.

 

My wife does not want to get a divorce right away. She has said a few times she may go to therapy (not prompted by me) but she's not sure. We've went twice before and I'm going myself for independent counciling right now. I'm not really going to push that. She doesn't know what to expect and we don't have any set rules. She just wants change. Am I crazy for even thinking this may work out? She basically took everything I have in my life from me. Are there any success stories out there. Once a woman loses feelings in a relationship can that come back? She's cried about this. She is deeply sad and hurt. Now our daughter has both parents living apart. Any ideas? Thanks

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Start building a new life for yourself and your child.

 

It would be wise to encourage your W to get full time employment so you don't pay more child support and possibly spousal support.

 

Start making decisions that are in YOUR best interest!

 

Make sure you've separated your money and debt.

 

Don't hand over money to her. If she needs it - let her earn it herself!

 

I know it sounds callous - but if she wants to act like she's on her own, make it hurt her a little so she knows it's hard doing life as a single parent!

 

Don't fix her troubles and problems for her! When she calls to complain how hard it is - simply and calmly say "I know you will handle it just fine".

 

 

Dump all her woes back onto her - she's created them and they are now HERS TO SOLVE.

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She doesn't know what to expect and we don't have any set rules. She just wants change. Am I crazy for even thinking this may work out?

From the school of hard knocks, I can tell you it's great to hope for the best but you really need to plan for the worst.

 

You should not have moved out of the family home without an agreement for assets and visitation in place. And you REALLY need to consult with a lawyer before things go any further. If you think this part is hard (and I don't mean to minimize your current feelings), you haven't seen anything yet.

 

Get some legal advice. You're attempting the equivalent of DIY heart surgery...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Movingforward2

Went through the same thing a year ago. Nothing on the infidelity side, but basically walk away wife syndrome from serious depression. We ended up getting divorced in 4 months. Prepare for the worst....it is hell. But don't be hopeless. Don't be needy.

 

1.) Get to a counselor

2.) Get yourself in the best shape of your life

3.) Go buy some new clothes, and make yourself feel good

4.) Start doing things with your kid that you would have never done. New experiences.

 

You gotta get busy. I think about it everyday, and it has gotten better. If your wife is open to a date, in my opinion, go do it. Do something you would never do. No strings attached, though. That's the tough part. My XW and and I were seperated and divorced for 6 months, but since March have been hanging out quite a bit, but we don't talk about "us". We do stuff with the kids, and occasionally go on a "date" although we don't call it that either. Very weird, and our friends think we are crazy, but I honestly think if I would have dragged out the divorce it would have made it worse on me, my kids, our families, and her. I just wanted it over with quick. I don't have any friends that have been through it, but the ones that have told me to get it done as quick as possible because it's not worth the fight over "stuff". It is very scary, but has come somewhat full circle. I'm not saying I've reconciled, but I would say that we both have taken time to think about things and even now we have both admitted that there is fault on both ends. It's like we get along better that we are divorced, and it just works now. I miss being at home, but other than that, I get pretty much everything I need out of it right now.

 

I would say get some legal advice. Moving out wasn't a good thing. Looking back, I did it as well, and miss my house, and probably could have gotten it had I just stayed there. But it's just a house, I got plenty of time to get another one.

 

Don't focus on the past.....it will be easier said than done. Do everything you can to improve yourself. Be a better dad, a better person, things will come around.

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