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Hope4thefuture

My ex and I have joint custody. When the boys come back from their dad 's apartment, it takes them awhile to readjust. I understand that it is hard to go back and forth. I am trying to make it as easy as possible for them. It can be difficult to do that with different sets of rules at different places.

 

It has been a year since he moved out so this is not brand new to them. I am just wondering what I can do so when they return to my house I can ease them back into my routine. They are often more aggressive with each other, name calling, and yelling. Those are just a few examples of what happens when they come back to my house. Is this normal? Will it get better? How do I help them transition?

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You know, most kids act a lot different at school than at home as well. Kids will get away with whatever they can wherever they can. Do not feel so sorry for them that you adjust the rules just to ease your conscious. And when possible, try to agree on some rules and boundaries with the father to be consistent.

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And when possible, try to agree on some rules and boundaries with the father to be consistent.

My experience was, if my ex-wife and I had the ability to come to those types of agreements, we might still be married. Communication and commitment to shared goals typically don't hold up in separation and divorce.

 

Hope4thefuture, your children are going through a very difficult transition. As hard as it is for you, might be more difficult for them due to inability to understand cause and effect. The passage of time may be the only solution as new routines are established and experiences shared. You're right to be extra patient with them...

 

Mr. Lucky

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whichwayisup
My ex and I have joint custody. When the boys come back from their dad 's apartment, it takes them awhile to readjust. I understand that it is hard to go back and forth. I am trying to make it as easy as possible for them. It can be difficult to do that with different sets of rules at different places.

 

It has been a year since he moved out so this is not brand new to them. I am just wondering what I can do so when they return to my house I can ease them back into my routine. They are often more aggressive with each other, name calling, and yelling. Those are just a few examples of what happens when they come back to my house. Is this normal? Will it get better? How do I help them transition?

 

How did you to parent your kids before the divorce? Which one of you was the good cop/bad cop? Just wondering if he lets the kids get away with more stuff than usual and that's why it's harder for adjusting when coming back home to you. Also, it could be them just acting out and not used to the back and forth.

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I don't have the experience to advise here, but just thought I'd share something interesting I heard recently. A friend of mine has just married a man with two kids from his previous marriage. Just like yours, his kids spend some time with their dad and some time with their mum, but mostly with her.

 

My friend told me that when they spend time with their dad he's tempted to spoil them, buy them anything they want, take them places (possibly because he's feeling guilty, and/or he wants to come across as the 'good guy', maybe also to get back at his ex this way, maybe out of sheer genuine love). So my friend, his new wife, says she never lets him do that and has managed to persuade him to keep treats and exceptional days out to a minimum. She has read a lot about this and is trying to make the transition for them as smooth as possible, so she works with her dad on trying to offer them a 'normal' experience when they spend time with them.

 

I realise it must be difficult to discuss and agree such things with your ex, but it is important both parties understand it's all for the children's benefit if there aren't big differences between the two places and both parents are seen to provide similar and consistent support.

 

Good luck!

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Hope4thefuture

Thanks for the advice. Even though we have joint custody, I see them much more. I have the summer off because I teach so I get to see my kids every day. I also get to see them every day after school throughout the school year. So my boys are with me the majority of the time.

 

My ex and I definitely had different parenting styles even when we lived together. He often yelled at them if they didn't listen. That is not my style. So we argued many times on how to raise our children.

 

I do think time and patience is key to helping them adjust to this new way of life for them. I just hate seeing them so aggressive. As a mother, I want to do anything I can to help their hurt go away. I am not sure how to do that with this situation. It does get better a few hours after they get home. I just wish I could make it easier for them right away.

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Just an idea out of my small experience:

Kids are happy when parents are happy. They obviously want both parents together but they adjust very quickly if you, yourself, adjust your life and be happy again - same goes for their dad. All they need is see happy persons around them. Happy parents = happy kids = no need for rules and fights.

So give it a break with the kids, concentrate on getting happy yourself and all the rest will follow.

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still_an_Angel

I'm going through the same situation now, my kids spend the weekends with their dad and get spoiled there. Bedtimes, mealtimes, tv/computer times are all but ignored as he runs on his own time. When they come home, the little one is exhausted trying to catch up to all the comings and goings as he doesn't stay home most of the time. The older kids love it as they practically get away with murder.

 

I have tried talking to him to at least follow the routines we have but that just leads to "don't tell me what to do with my time with my kids" debate. So I talked to the kids and we have all agreed that when they are home, we follow the rules we have here and everybody adheres. There will be no playing up. We have schedules and chores and we all work together. I have to be firm and get everyone back on the boat by Sunday night. The kids complained at first and tried to play us against each other. I got the "but dad lets us...." and I kept reminding them that this has always been our rules, and what they do at their dad's doesn't extend here and vice versa. I suppose it depends on the ages of the kids but I keep at it.

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your situation is not new for me. I have a daughter and we are divorced. When my daughter comes back she always moody, angry, pissed. I had a hard time too. And the communication between me and my ex was a night mare. Lucky my ex move to far away country with his new wife actually who he was cheating while we were married since then seeing his daughter become Skype conversation and by the time it become completely nothing and she is such a calm sweet girl from age 8.

 

They are often more aggressive with each other, name calling, and yelling. Those are just a few examples of what happens when they come back to my house. Is this normal? Will it get better? How do I help them transition?
It is possible they are facing something they don't like at dad's. And they might not happy with what they eat, where they sleep it also possible they miss you a lot your softness, your care, and might they wont receive the attention as they get from you.

The best thing you can do make them feel better and talk to them ask them how it went at dad, what they did, was it interesting, with out pressuring you can talk to them. That is how I have observed what is going on at dad's when my daughter was going with him. I truly understand it is hard as a mom. But it is hard for kids too... it is also depend on their age too. Also you can do something they interesting the most with them in playing wise you can get what they feel. Honestly good luck!

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