Jump to content

Stay with ex W or new GF


Recommended Posts

I have an unusual relationship and need some direction.

 

Been married 40 years, last 20 were rocky with wife's drinking. Final two years were unbearable with plans for a divorce. We had a friendly divorce with no fighting and she gave up drinking about that time.

 

Toward the end, I started an emotional relationship with Sara, a friend that I had known for a while. We both had issues and were a good support for each other. That developed into a fairly strong relationship, and we fell in love. Sara and I spend a lot of time together when I was toward the end of my marriage, and it was very awkward at times. When I left my ex, I moved in with the Sara.

 

For the most part, I felt I could spend the rest of my life with Sara, and we got along great except for one major thing. I had never gained her total trust. Probably because we had an awkward start being married, and she has had some horrible past experiences trusting men.

 

I recently left Sara because of the trust issues, which has become significant. Earning her trust was taking a long time, but I thought eventually it would be there. She wanted keep pretty close eye on me and didn't want me around the ex at all. I had some obligations I needed to be at the ex's house for and had to finish them up. I didn't leave Sara for the ex... I needed space to rethink.

 

The ex allowed me to move back in her house, and I feel like she really wants to rekindle the old relationship. The spark is gone for me, but I still care for her. She has now been sober for a long time, which I would have bet that would have never happened. I told her I needed time.

 

However, I love Sara very much and would love to go back to her and try to gain her trust. The emotional turmoil and pain being away from her is intense. I felt so close to her and we enjoyed excellent time together. My whole daily life revolved around her. Life with her is a bit more challenging, as she is working full time and I'm retired. Money is very tight for me, until I get through a few things and sell some stuff (part of the divorce).

 

I'm debating on what to do. Part of me says to pursue Sara again, and work harder on the trust issue, and even go to counseling to get things done. The other part says to give up on Sara and try to rekindle with the ex. The pain giving up Sara will be hard, and rekindling will take time, if ever. Life with the ex would be easier and more predictable, as long as she stayed sober.

 

As for going out on my own and starting over, I'm not going to do that. I have no desire to get back in the dating scene. Life is too short for that.

 

Thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this one is pretty simple - keep pursuing Sara until she finally understands that she's the one you love and the only one you want. Men always underestimate the power of persistence where a woman is concerned but it is your biggest asset. It will almost 100% of the time win the woman over completely.

 

I would not only advise not going back to your ex, but would also add that you need to find your own place to live. First of all, the dynamics between people rarely change and there's too much water under the bridge where your wife is concerned. She simply cannot be trusted not to go back to her old ways. I can pretty much guarantee you that she would. Another point is, you've lost it for her and would only be going back out of convenience. She would sense this and would start subconsciously reacting to it, most likely, by going back to drinking.

 

Your marriage was a very toxic relationship and you shouldn't even consider going back. It doesn't mean the relationship with her has to be about hatred, you just don't need to be married or even living under the same roof. I also think you're giving your ex false hope by moving back in. No matter what agreement you had going in, she is going to hope to win you back. Also, it gives Sara more reason to distrust you.

 

First of all, get your own place to live. You transferred from one relationship to another too quickly. That's why Sara is having trouble trusting you. She probably thinks you're with her only out of convenience and she wants to know for certain that you actually love her. Prove to her that you can be independent, live on your own, and then chase her like hell! Do not let anything stand in your way of being with her. That's the only thing that will impress her.

 

I think there's a book out about this. Something about winning back an ex. I'll see if I can find it because I seem to recall that the advice was spot on.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think this one is pretty simple - keep pursuing Sara until she finally understands that she's the one you love and the only one you want. Men always underestimate the power of persistence where a woman is concerned but it is your biggest asset. It will almost 100% of the time win the woman over completely.

 

I would not only advise not going back to your ex, but would also add that you need to find your own place to live. First of all, the dynamics between people rarely change and there's too much water under the bridge where your wife is concerned. She simply cannot be trusted not to go back to her old ways. I can pretty much guarantee you that she would. Another point is, you've lost it for her and would only be going back out of convenience. She would sense this and would start subconsciously reacting to it, most likely, by going back to drinking.

 

Your marriage was a very toxic relationship and you shouldn't even consider going back. It doesn't mean the relationship with her has to be about hatred, you just don't need to be married or even living under the same roof. I also think you're giving your ex false hope by moving back in. No matter what agreement you had going in, she is going to hope to win you back. Also, it gives Sara more reason to distrust you.

 

First of all, get your own place to live. You transferred from one relationship to another too quickly. That's why Sara is having trouble trusting you. She probably thinks you're with her only out of convenience and she wants to know for certain that you actually love her. Prove to her that you can be independent, live on your own, and then chase her like hell! Do not let anything stand in your way of being with her. That's the only thing that will impress her.

 

I think there's a book out about this. Something about winning back an ex. I'll see if I can find it because I seem to recall that the advice was spot on.

 

Bathtub,

 

Thanks for the reply, you bring up some very good points. And you're right about the ex and future drinking. That would disastrous and put me back to square one and the possibly of never getting back with Sara. One of the major issue I have it that I have committed to help fix up the ex's house and want to honor that. And while I can hire out a lot of stuff, I need to organize it. The ex and I are on good terms and I want to keep it that way.

 

Old Rover

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why must you always live with a woman?

 

Live on your own!

 

You have 40 years of evidence that it doesn't work with the exW. No need to go backwards.

 

Just be on your own. See if Sarah wants to "date" once in a while. Every gal wants a man to make effort to take her out. Do that.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Bathtub,

 

Thanks for the reply, you bring up some very good points. And you're right about the ex and future drinking. That would disastrous and put me back to square one and the possibly of never getting back with Sara. One of the major issue I have it that I have committed to help fix up the ex's house and want to honor that. And while I can hire out a lot of stuff, I need to organize it. The ex and I are on good terms and I want to keep it that way.

 

Old Rover

 

Well, that's great. Then help. I still don't understand why you need to live in the house to do that. You're putting your life on hold by being there. Also, don't be surprised if you lose Sara over this completely.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
For the most part, I felt I could spend the rest of my life with Sara, and we got along great except for one major thing. I had never gained her total trust. Probably because we had an awkward start being married, and she has had some horrible past experiences trusting men.

 

I recently left Sara because of the trust issues, which has become significant. Earning her trust was taking a long time, but I thought eventually it would be there. She wanted keep pretty close eye on me and didn't want me around the ex at all. I had some obligations I needed to be at the ex's house for and had to finish them up. I didn't leave Sara for the ex... I needed space to rethink.

 

The ex allowed me to move back in her house, and I feel like she really wants to rekindle the old relationship. The spark is gone for me, but I still care for her. She has now been sober for a long time, which I would have bet that would have never happened. I told her I needed time.

 

 

In a nutshell:

 

Sarah feels you never earned her trust. You're hurting Sarah.

 

You seem to think that moving back in with your exW solves Sarah's trust issues?

 

You are going about this backwards.

 

The way you participate will never earn any woman's trust.

 

Move out! Why can't you be on your own?

 

I don't blame Sarah if she never sees you again. You've ruined it.

 

And why must you stay with your exW? Are you checking on her to be sure she isn't drinking again?

 

 

Some say when a married couple have been in a dysfunctional R this long - the bonds will never be broken.

 

Your actions are proving that's true.

 

Have your exW hire someone to do the work - ANYONE else! But not you!

 

Since you've been with Sarah - have you been intimate with your exW in any way?

Edited by beach
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
In a nutshell:

 

Sarah feels you never earned her trust. You're hurting Sarah.

 

You seem to think that moving back in with your exW solves Sarah's trust issues?

 

You are going about this backwards.

 

The way you participate will never earn any woman's trust.

 

 

Bingo. What do you think your GF's worst fears might be? Perhaps that you would get back with your wife? Living under the same roof?

 

You've simply proved you're not worthy of her trust. I'd be surprised if she considers getting back together with you is an option...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
changchewsoon

If you fail to see things in that light, then I'm afraid you might be in for a lot of heartache on all sides.

 

You need to understand that first of all, the life you had with your ex is over.

 

And then Sara came into your life.

 

But it seems like you are contemplating between choosing one, and Sara shouldn't be competing with your ex for you in the first place.

 

Ask yourself, are you done with your ex or not? With or without Sara.

 

If the answer is no, then you shouldn't have started with Sara in the first place.

 

However, if your answer is yes and you are completely done with your ex, then your focus should be on Sara.

 

Even if things don't work out between you and Sara, like you said it has nothing to do with your ex but please don't move back with your ex because you need to decide whether are you done with her or not!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for all the replies....

 

My FIRST order of business is to get a place for myself. The ex has a big house and it was a roof over my head for now. While I get along with the ex fairly well, I agree, the future with her as a mate is not there. Every time I think of it, I come up with too many negatives, and not sure it would work. However, I'm going to honor my part of the divorce that requires some house fix up.

 

As for Sara, she has been very jealous from the start. She hasn't had the best of past relationships and has been burnt a few times, and I'm sure she's gun shy. I've never been dishonest or cheated with her. We've had some arguments about how much I should tell her about the ex, and I've leaned toward telling her everything she wants to know, but feel some of it is inappropriate and shouldn't be mentioned. Same with things about her past. I also need to have her give me the benefit of the doubt, and believe me instead of question my intentions. This is what came to a head and I left. I wish now that I tried harder to work it out with her.

 

Thanks much for the replies... lots to think about.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's possible you've ruined trust with Sara by moving in with your exW.

 

Knowing she was jealous of your ex yet moving into the same house with the woman she's jealous of is like stabbing a knife on purpose.

 

Of ALL that places you could have gone why did you go to the house your exW lives in?

 

You took the one thing she didn't want and handed it to her.

 

It's a very hurtful move. Yet you did it.

 

I'd say live on your own and date someone new. You may never be able to restore trust for Sara.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's possible you've ruined trust with Sara by moving in with your exW.

 

Knowing she was jealous of your ex yet moving into the same house with the woman she's jealous of is like stabbing a knife on purpose.

 

Of ALL that places you could have gone why did you go to the house your exW lives in?

 

You took the one thing she didn't want and handed it to her.

 

It's a very hurtful move. Yet you did it.

 

I'd say live on your own and date someone new. You may never be able to restore trust for Sara.

 

2Sunny,

 

Good point, but didn't have much choice with a place to stay, but now realize that even a motel might have been a better option, but with limited income it would have been very expensive. Housing here is very difficult to come by, and expensive. However, I have two places that may work for now.

 

We'll see. Thanks again.

 

Old Rover

Link to post
Share on other sites

So what you're saying is that you consciously made a choice - to save money on rent or a hotel over hurting Sara to the core.

 

 

I wouldn't expect Sara to be open to seeing you again, not if she has any self respect.

 

You really did her wrong after she did you the favor of allowing you to live with her. Did you pay rent money while you lived with her?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Rover, I suggest that you get yourself stable first.I think you posted about getting your own place. That is a plan. These relationships seem to be based on other non sustainable factors. I would rule out the ex since you basically are doing it because its familiar. That is a horrible reason. That you considered those reasons it proof that you need to work on you. As far as the new lady, you are just gonna burn her if you get hot n heavy with her. After all, its love (her) vs habit (the ex). If she ranks so low that you are considering trying to re-ignite a spark for a bad habit, then she deserves better.

 

If you get by yourself and work on you, then Sara may still appeal to you at that point, but for better and healthier reasons. She was right to have trust issues, I think its better to call them security issues. She needs to work on herself as well because she was with a guy who was considering dropping her for his ex wife that he has no spark for. I'm not trying to insult you or them, but it seems that everyone has some significant issues to deal with before they get serious with anyone.

 

After addressing these issues, you all can decide if any of you should be together. Maybe yes, but maybe not. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Rover, I suggest that you get yourself stable first.I think you posted about getting your own place. That is a plan. These relationships seem to be based on other non sustainable factors. I would rule out the ex since you basically are doing it because its familiar. That is a horrible reason. That you considered those reasons it proof that you need to work on you. As far as the new lady, you are just gonna burn her if you get hot n heavy with her. After all, its love (her) vs habit (the ex). If she ranks so low that you are considering trying to re-ignite a spark for a bad habit, then she deserves better.

 

If you get by yourself and work on you, then Sara may still appeal to you at that point, but for better and healthier reasons. She was right to have trust issues, I think its better to call them security issues. She needs to work on herself as well because she was with a guy who was considering dropping her for his ex wife that he has no spark for. I'm not trying to insult you or them, but it seems that everyone has some significant issues to deal with before they get serious with anyone.

 

After addressing these issues, you all can decide if any of you should be together. Maybe yes, but maybe not. Good luck.

 

Thanks for the reply. Understand one thing... I didn't leave Sara for the Ex nor was I even thinking about it. I left for ME, to get some space and work on things, which I obviously need to do. Sara put me in an awful spot prior to leaving, and it was pretty intense. Now I wish I would have stayed and made a stronger effort to work on that. Prior to leaving she made me feel pretty low.

 

I told the Ex that when she let me stay there. Right now we get along without issues, and have for the past several months. And I want to keep it that way. However, because of the divorce we have a lot of things left to be done. It was complicated.

 

Yes, I need to get my head on straight.....

Link to post
Share on other sites

You must be at least 60 years old...?

 

I'm a bit younger than that, but not much.

 

If I knew a man who was your age and he ran back to his wife after 40 years together - I wouldn't date him. He is tied too closely to his wife, divorced or not.

 

60 years old and single? That man should be able to offer me something - including financial and emotional security. You didn't offer Sara that.

 

What was the reason you and your wife divorced?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You must be at least 60 years old...?

 

I'm a bit younger than that, but not much.

 

If I knew a man who was your age and he ran back to his wife after 40 years together - I wouldn't date him. He is tied too closely to his wife, divorced or not.

 

60 years old and single? That man should be able to offer me something - including financial and emotional security. You didn't offer Sara that.

 

What was the reason you and your wife divorced?

 

2sunny,

 

Divorce was alcohol, wife had issues. Yes, I'm over 60.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you done counseling to see why you stayed through 20 years of drinking and 40 years of an unbalanced relationship?

 

If so, what did you learn about yourself?

 

Do you know what it's like to be on your own?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you have to ask this question, you need to be alone for a while. If I were Sara, I would be completely insulted. You blame her for you needing to move in with another woman for "space" & then you enter her in some kind of competition for you? I think you are delusional if you think you can ever win her trust.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Have you done counseling to see why you stayed through 20 years of drinking and 40 years of an unbalanced relationship?

 

If so, what did you learn about yourself?

 

Do you know what it's like to be on your own?

 

Yes, lots of counseling (for both) and treatment. Learned a bunch. Yes, I've been on my own, but a long time ago.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you pay rent + expenses to Sara when you lived with her?

 

What did you learn about yourself in counseling? What did you learn about the way you participate? What are you doing differently now compared to before you saw the counselor?

 

 

When married- were you the breadwinner or your wife?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Did you pay rent + expenses to Sara when you lived with her?

 

What did you learn about yourself in counseling? What did you learn about the way you participate? What are you doing differently now compared to before you saw the counselor?

 

 

When married- were you the breadwinner or your wife?

 

I contributed, counseling was fair, but I took what I could from it a made changes. I also learned that I could not stop the drinking, but it wasn't 40 years of unbalance. I was the breadwinner for the most part. I'm looking for solutions now, and I have a few good ideas. I just need to implement them and get on with life. Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Well, I've had some time to look back over things and realize that Sara and I probably would have never worked out. Her issue that bothered me became much more apparent and serious that I had realized earlier. She has some serious distrust for men in general along with jealousy and temper. And that's the reason I left.

 

Now I realize that this has been a history for her and has done the same with previous relationships. It was probably just a matter of time.

 

Life goes on.....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, I've had some time to look back over things and realize that Sara and I probably would have never worked out. Her issue that bothered me became much more apparent and serious that I had realized earlier. She has some serious distrust for men in general along with jealousy and temper. And that's the reason I left.

 

Now I realize that this has been a history for her and has done the same with previous relationships. It was probably just a matter of time.

 

Life goes on.....

 

Sorry to hear that, Rover. I hope you're doing ok.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sorry to hear that, Rover. I hope you're doing ok.

 

Bathtub,

 

Thx for the encouragement. It will be hard for awhile, no doubt about it. Sara was an absolute winner in every other things and we shared some unbelievable great times together. We also worked together well, doing things together. It was too bad such a serious issue couldn't have been address better, but she just refuse to deal with it, or perhaps I just failed to help us solve it.

 

I'll survive... it will take time and I have some great support friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...