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2 months into separation after 20 years


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Well I have posted on here before, so a quick summary of how I got here:

 

After 20 years together on 18th May 2014 my husband told me he wanted out of our marriage. A total shock but with with hindsight I agree we needed a shake up and totally admit at times I had thought "are we okay" but I had asked him on several occasions if he was okay because he seemed very distant and quite angry/snappy a lot of the time.

 

We went to a counselor a few times and 2 weeks later I moved out to give my H space. At the time I thought my husband was depressed - whether that was from building up to telling me or the depression has caused his numbness of feelings I wasn't sure.

 

The last 8 weeks, well so many of you on here already know those mixture of feelings and emotions. A horrible place to be.

 

Eight or so weeks on and I hold my hands up, I know I had issues which we should have discussed openly and I should have sorted sooner. Too personal to go into here. I had started the ball rolling on this last year but with waiting for appointment times etc. with the NHS it has taken ages but I am getting help now. I know I still need to sort this for me.

 

So where we we now, my H is happy with his space. We work together still (run our own business) so I have to see him regularly. We have tired days out cycling, walking - always get on fine. 80% of the time I hold it together without getting upset in front of him. I have never begged him to try.

 

There have been times when I have got so upset I did go to him, one of those was when my first hospital appointment came up and I had to face head on the main reason our marriage is where we are now. I always regret such outbursts to him, however, because he just looks like he wants to run away from the pain and upset.

 

That, however, seems to be our problem, he never did face up to or discuss our issues (me neither) and so for us not to discuss them or face the upset now scares me that we will just drift along and get further apart without giving ourselves a chance.

 

I don't want to throw away 20 years because the last 2 weren't so good but I realise I cannot change how he feels and if he doesn't want to try then I cannot force him. However, I get mixed signals, his face when I said so when will we divorce - he then said "you want to divorce me?" - err no actually I don;t.

 

He does still care, I can see it, so I need to just back off and not panic but it's hard. I am the one that should be broken (I am but holding it together better) he just cannot face people, he wants to run and hide from it all but I get left to deal with it and face everyone. He has skirted round telling any of our mutual friends, I asked him if he wanted to know about the outcome of my hospital appointments but he doesn't want anymore upset.

 

Getting angry now and feeling my H should be finding someway of manning up, he worries what people are saying about him, thinks they treat him differently because they all think he is the bad man in this.

 

So, hello, what about me, what about marriage being for better or worse. Why not try and sticking by your wife when things might not have been all great for 2 years what about the other 18. How about showing some support during her hospital appointments.

 

So I am on my own facing the issues that got me here and starting to think my H needs to grow a pair :-)

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whichwayisup

Why not tell him that you don't want to get divorced and that the 20 years of marriage IS worth fighting for?

 

Need to ask, is there somebody else that he's met on the side?

 

Also, why did you move out? Since he is the one needing space, shouldn't he be the one to stay somewhere else?

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Need to ask, is there somebody else that he's met on the side?

 

Also, why did you move out? Since he is the one needing space, shouldn't he be the one to stay somewhere else?

To this I will add that separation after 2 weeks of counseling in a 20-year marriage seems very abrupt. Either there are other forces at work or your unspecified issues caused you to ignore and deny problems that ran deeper and longer than you acknowledge...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Why not tell him that you don't want to get divorced and that the 20 years of marriage IS worth fighting for?

 

Need to ask, is there somebody else that he's met on the side?

 

Also, why did you move out? Since he is the one needing space, shouldn't he be the one to stay somewhere else?

There definitely isn't anyone else involved, I am confident of that, he would tell me he is a very honest and caring guy.

 

I moved out due to finances, my parents live close by so I am temporarily staying with them (which isn't great) but at the time I didn't wanted to be in the house on my own plus my H had no family or friends close by and we couldn't afford another property.

 

I have said I want to fight for the last 20 years and not just give up but every-time the conversation gets a bit heavy and painful he gets to anxious/annoyed/upset like he cannot cope with it then I feel guilty. It really is like he just wants the pain to go away and he can bury his head in the sand. That scares me, because if we cannot talk it through now we will just drift along again, nothing gets sorted and we grow apart - that's what had been happening in the marriage because we didn't face these issues.

 

He cannot face any big decisions, we haven't even talked about handling the business as we go forward or how I can afford two places to live from the business takings - we decided it was too early and we both needed to be stronger to face sorting out the logistics.

 

To be fair when i moved out it was to give him space, I didn't think that was going to be it! I really don't know how to handle it for the best.

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To this I will add that separation after 2 weeks of counseling in a 20-year marriage seems very abrupt. Either there are other forces at work or your unspecified issues caused you to ignore and deny problems that ran deeper and longer than you acknowledge...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yes it appears our problems did run deeper and longer than i realised, for him he had been wondering for 2 years but failed to tell me exactly how he was feeling. I felt an underlying current but we were both stressed running our business and neglected each other and our love. Hindsight - now it's clear to see all the warning signs and makes me so sad that it got left too long and maybe too late.

 

The counselling sessions were too painful, we both got too upset and then had to go to work and face our client's. All too hard. Perhaps 2 months on I should suggest trying them again. I just felt at the time what was the point if he didn't even think he wanted to be with me anymore - why drag up everything that went wrong if we couldn't work on putting it right. Also, never having had counselling before I wasn't sure our counselor was any good but had nothing to compare her too.

 

Is it better to stop rocking the boat and just try being friends, all this upset is not fun and I feel is just pushing him away. I think my only hope is to remain strong be a good friend/business partner and hope his love for me is rekindled one day. Hopeless?

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Hopeless?

 

Never :) . And maybe helpful, perhaps he needs the space to realize he misses you.

 

Guard your heart. Separations can me different things to the parties involved. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Never :) . And maybe helpful, perhaps he needs the space to realize he misses you.

 

Guard your heart. Separations can me different things to the parties involved. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

Thank you for your replies, really appreciate them. This site really helps give me some strength.

 

I hope your reason for being on this site is now in a more positive and happy place.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Crikey this is so hard, I am tired of feeling like this, tired of trying to keep up a strong front to everyone, when all I want to do is curl and cry.

 

I am trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself, there are people much worse of than me. My friends have been great keeping me busy I have so much to be grateful for but I cannot stop that sick sinking feeling in my gut, I am sick of thinking of him, crying over him and missing him. I just want all this pain to go.

 

He has been away for a week, I tried hard not to text/call him but as the days went on I got sadder as he didn't text me. I did text him in the end because part of his reason for our separation is he thought I didn't love him anymore - so if I cut off all contact does it confirm "well she's not bothered anyway" - so over 7 days I sent 3 texts. Not gushing, I'm missing you or all of that but simply "hope you are having a good time" type texts about him not me or how I was feeling.

 

Big hugs to all of you out there going through the same thing, nothing in the world prepares you for these emotions :-((

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He has been away for a week, I tried hard not to text/call him but as the days went on I got sadder as he didn't text me. I did text him in the end because part of his reason for our separation is he thought I didn't love him anymore - so if I cut off all contact does it confirm "well she's not bothered anyway" - so over 7 days I sent 3 texts. Not gushing, I'm missing you or all of that but simply "hope you are having a good time" type texts about him not me or how I was feeling. ((

 

Did he respond to your 3 texts?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Yes, he did. Short and sweet but he replied. :-)

 

He got back yesterday from his time away and he called me, he was upset but said he is okay he's not sad (??) but I worry to hear him like that - he chose the break up but he certainly isn't going out and about and enjoying himself. He has withdrawn himself from people and prefers to be on his own. He didn't even look up his best mate when he went away for a week to his hometown.

 

I still worry he is depressed, I thought this from the moment he told me he wanted out of the marriage, I realise his depression may have been caused because he was unhappy in our marriage so I am not getting my hopes up but he won't talk to me about his feelings, he talks to nobody.

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You don't mention children. Kids involved?

 

Right now your focus should be on you - your needs and requirements to move forward. Getting to a healthy place - mentally and physically - gives you the best chance to see things clearly. Sounds like your H will continue to make his own choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

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If I were you, I'd move back into the house and sleep in a different room. Tell him that you love him too much to stay away; that you don't want the separation, but that you'll respect his need for space while you're there.

 

I'm having problems understanding this whole thing about a medical condition that would cause problems in your marriage for two years. It's hard to give you advice without really understanding this.

 

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. If he thinks you don't love him, then I think you need to go back home and be there in some way.

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dreamingoftigers

Honestly, contact Divorce Busters.

 

And if possible a skilled EFT therapist in your area.

They have an 80% success rate, about double of traditional marital therapy.

 

This doesn't seem to be as dire as I was in 3 years ago (not trying to be rude but my husband is an alcoholic/sexual addict who also would steal my prescription medication and disappear intermittently. I didn't know anytjing about the extent of his issues until I was eight months pregnant and we were already married 4 years. Total trainwreck that just got worse for years after that. I was a wreck with severe anxiety, trying to make ends meet and save the marriage at the same time because of the wicked abandonment trigger I have from childhood.)

 

They managed to help me step up in the ways I needed to and the effects showed within weeks. My husband has been in recovery for awhile now and I habe recently started to face my anxiety and coping skillls.

 

But Divorce Busting really pushed me through the darkest days. It kept me focused on taking care of myself and responding in a way that didn't comprimise me.

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No no kids involved, we never had children - mutual choice and no regrets so that isn't an issue for us.

 

I did suggest moving back in to the spare room but he wasn't keen. Financially, we need to do something because I have been living with family rent free for the last 3 months and cannot continue like this but I agreed to it short term to give him the space he wanted.

 

The medical reason isn't something i want to divulge and is a complex issue that is ongoing for me. Work in progress.

 

If he has taken 2 years to get to this point and not discuss his real feelings with me then 3 months isn't long to give him to try and sort his head/heart out but he definitely likes to be left alone right now....so I have to respect that.

 

I spoke to a friend last week, her husband had some shock news cancer has got him and they've given him 3 to 12 months :-( That's a wake up call and makes me realise, I have my health, I still have my H in my life in some way (although not the way I want) and am surrounded by loving family and friends - life is too short - I am going to live it and get out there!

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If he has taken 2 years to get to this point and not discuss his real feelings with me then 3 months isn't long to give him to try and sort his head/heart out but he definitely likes to be left alone right now....so I have to respect that!

Except he doesn't seem to be doing anything to deal with his issues or reconnect with your marriage. Few people's head/heart are self-sorting and his aversion to counseling or even discussion further hinders things.

 

Hence my advice to focus on you, the only part of this under your control. Live a vibrant life and let him see what he's missing. If you go into a shell, he gets things both ways - his alone time (purpose unclear) and you circling in holding pattern waiting for him. If he's not willing to fight for your marriage - or even discuss doing so - at some point you're going to have to think about moving on...

 

Mr. Lucky

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No, actually, you don't have to respect anything. It's your home, too. If he's the one who wants space, then he can find a place to live. I think the problem is being made worse by staying away. So what if he's not keen on you returning? Most people don't know what the heck they want and he sounds like one of those people right now. I'd give him an end-date. Say that by the end of September, you're moving back in and he should prepare for that. You can't continue to impose on your family and it's not fair to you to be in unfamiliar surroundings while you're dealing with a medical issue. A decision is going to need to be made at some point and it doesn't sound like he's going to be the one to do it. Just my thoughts.

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There definitely isn't anyone else involved, I am confident of that, he would tell me he is a very honest and caring guy.

 

 

Do you know how many spouses have thought this^^^only to find out later that their spouses were indeed cheating?

 

I try not to see doom and gloom in every story like this but the way your husband is acting (and he is acting similar to how my husband did) makes me think that there is some outside influence at work in your marriage.

 

As I read it, your husband suddenly wants out of the marriage without a definitive reason and then instead of moving forward, he is wallowing and being wish-washy? I went through this too with my husband...

 

Now I know just because what happened to me doesn't mean it is happening to you but...

 

...Please consider this possiblility. I hope I'm wrong.

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Thanks Mr Lucky for your sound advice.

 

He said to me today he wants me to be happy again and he hates that its him who is making me sad. So my reply to him was "you cannot make me happy no more than I can make you love me again, I am responsible for my own happiness. I just need time to grieve and accept that the space you wanted is space for good. We need to sort out some stuff re finance and I need to move my stuff out properly so I do not rely on you so much. Tough it will be but we cannot put it off forever"

 

Then tonight when he arrived for work with me he was in tears and then I feel bad for saying that stuff.

 

I would hate it Snowflower if he was seeing someone else but it would give me something to find anger about and maybe help me move on for good. At the moment I keep seeing his sadness as a chance he still cares for me although I try not to keep hanging on.

 

Thanks bathtub row but I really don't think I can go - going back is too painful. Moving on and getting stronger for me mean a new place for a new start.

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Thanks Mr Lucky for your sound advice.

 

He said to me today he wants me to be happy again and he hates that its him who is making me sad. So my reply to him was "you cannot make me happy no more than I can make you love me again, I am responsible for my own happiness. I just need time to grieve and accept that the space you wanted is space for good. We need to sort out some stuff re finance and I need to move my stuff out properly so I do not rely on you so much. Tough it will be but we cannot put it off forever"

 

Then tonight when he arrived for work with me he was in tears and then I feel bad for saying that stuff.

 

I would hate it Snowflower if he was seeing someone else but it would give me something to find anger about and maybe help me move on for good. At the moment I keep seeing his sadness as a chance he still cares for me although I try not to keep hanging on.

 

Thanks bathtub row but I really don't think I can go - going back is too painful. Moving on and getting stronger for me mean a new place for a new start.

 

I don't think your husband wants a divorce. I'm not sure what's up with him but I just don't think it's you he wants to get away from. I can't figure it out. Not much help, I know, but it's baffling.

 

Maybe he's like Walter White in Breaking Bad -- doing, or having done, something so bad that he knows you'd divorce him if you knew about. That's kind of tongue-in-cheek but I guess at this point, you've gotta think of everything. I think I'd start doing some sleuthing or hire a PI, if I were you.

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dreamingoftigers

Oh for goodness sakes.

 

If you arent going to contact divorce busters or look further into counselling, at least read Divorce Remedy or lookup doing the 180.

 

It's like you are hammering the nails in the coffin yourself.

 

Testing "where he's at" by moving your stuff out saying you know he meant space permanently etc. Is the best way to increase the dam distance between you.

It's not something you do unless YOU YOURSELF are throwing in the towel.

 

I bounced through this cycle more than once with my husband (much more volatile situation) and I had an ex before him who did a turnaround as well.

 

I have found through my personal and anecdotal evidence that men take about six months (generality!) To go through the emotions and paces with a relationship shakeup and do an about face.

 

Even in periods of conflict (as opposed to marital breakdown or volatility) I will apply relevant portions of the 180 and my husband relaxes within days. He has a VERY hard time processing conflict and I have a VERY hard time not trying to "fix" things.

 

Both of you burying your heads in the sand seems to be pushing you towards a divorce that neither of you actually wants.

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Both of you burying your heads in the sand seems to be pushing you towards a divorce that neither of you actually wants.

Having her H not know what he wants isn't the same as knowing he doesn't want a divorce. During the months my exW was saying "I don't know what I want", I never had a sense she was committed to me or our marriage. As conflict averse as the OP's husband seems to be, he may want a split and for her to do the heavy lifting involved in getting there.

 

At this point, like reading tea leaves for all of us. :confused::confused: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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WasOtherWoman

Not to try to throw monkey wrench in here, but, a wise friend once told me: "men don't leave unless their wives throw them out or they find someone they want to be with more. "

 

Obviously, we don't know your whole story, but I can honestly not think of a single man that left a marriage for other than one of the above two reasons. I am sorry, but I really believe there is more to the story here on the part of your husband.

 

Men rarely just up and leave.... (no offense to any of the men here). In this case, I think you made it easy for him and not only did he get to do whatever it is he wants to do, you left and made it easier for him.

 

At the very least, I agree that you should move back into your house.

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My H may be in the minority but I really don't think this is the case. I will let you know if I am proved wrong!!

 

Every now and then I have a little niggling doubt but I think that's natural as my mind just constantly tries to find the reasons for how our marriage ended up here. He would tell me, he wouldn't let me find out from somebody else, I know it.

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Separated Sarah

oh wow - it is like I have just read my own story here. I am new - just joined. and am feeling very similar to you. I too have separated from hubby (been 9 weeks now) and now he has decided to move out "to find out what he wants" and I will move home. Part of me hopes we can work through this, but other part of me thinks he has made up his mind but he also needs to grow a pair and admit it

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My H may be in the minority but I really don't think this is the case. I will let you know if I am proved wrong!!

 

Every now and then I have a little niggling doubt but I think that's natural as my mind just constantly tries to find the reasons for how our marriage ended up here. He would tell me, he wouldn't let me find out from somebody else, I know it.

 

Not to be negative but the truth is, you don't know him. I've seen this over and over again where women say their husbands would never cheat on them and they are so dead wrong. Women truly underestimate how a man will behave when he sets his sights on another woman.

 

In your case, he may have cheated and lost the OW, or he may still be trying to decide what to do. It may be that it's your medical condition that's keeping him there and he's staying out of guilt.

 

Regardless of what is really going on, the truth is, SOMETHING is going on and you are being kept in the dark about it. No matter what you end up doing, please don't delude yourself into thinking that you know your husband that well. You may be right about what you're saying, but don't kid yourself about human nature. We're the most dangerous and unpredictable animals on the planet.

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