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Interesting observation on NC


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Well, I posted before about my situation, but here's a recap.

 

I'm 42, she is 41. Together 7 years. We broke up due to me putting my job first, which would take me away from home for several months at a time. There were several mitigating factors, but that was the primary one.

 

After we split up in January of this year where I then moved across the country.

We kept in constant communication up until a couple of weeks ago where she decided to go no contact because she is starting to date someone. She told me she has conflicting feelings and needs to clear her head. Ok. You gotta do what you gotta do. Contact was only to happen for issues of taxes, divorce proceedings and a few other minor logistical issues.

 

It lasted about four days. Since then she we would go a day or so and I would get a "Good morning!!" or in the evening she would text me and we would a chit chat conversation.

 

A couple of times, she pulled way back and said she can't do this and it would stop for the rest of the day and the next day it would start up again.

 

This morning a discussion regarding our taxes devolved into an emotional fight between us where she said some very nasty things about me. That was my last straw and I told her I will no longer be in communication with her. I emailed her everything that should take care of logistical issues for a month or so and that was it.

 

I figure since it was particularly nasty fight where she said things like, "Don't ever speak to me again. It's too bad we have this IRS thing and I HAVE to talk to you". That I wouldn't hear from her again...not for a long time anyway. I didn't respond to any of the nastyness.

 

 

 

Anyway, so when she decided on no contact, she would go a day or two.

This time, when I decided on it...it lasted about 6 hours when she contacted me to apologize for what she said (this kind of outburst from her is completely out of character) and went on to tell me about her evening with one of her coworkers.

 

It's interesting to me that when she lays down the rule of NC, she can go for a few days without contacting me. When I imposed it, it lasted just hours.

 

Anyway, I'm having a pleasant conversation (text) with her right now. Tomorrow, I go dark. I figure I would leave something pleasant for our last communication that we will have for awhile.

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hoping2heal

She still loves you which is why she can't committ to NC regardless of who initiates it.

 

Did you the dumping?

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She still loves you which is why she can't committ to NC regardless of who initiates it.

 

Did you the dumping?

 

She did.

In fact, that is what led to the argument. I asked a bunch of questions to her (why do you feel guilty seeing another man, why did you tell me you fear losing me after we stop talking, why did you tell me you love me and kissed me when I passed thru town two months ago, etc...). I told her she needs to answer these questions honestly, not with what she thinks she needs to hear. In the past 7 years I've known her, she has always been in touch with what she is truly feeling and is very honest with herself. Her not doing it now is very unusual for her. She went BALLISTIC, which in the past 7 year she has only done one other time over something I can't even remember.

 

 

then she went on and on about how she only remained in contact with me as a friend, etc and I called her BS on that.

 

And yea, I know I shouldn't have done that...but I did. oh well.

 

Thank you for your perspective.

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hoping2heal

Oh lawdy

 

Pretty obvious she still loves you. Don't know what's going with her, but I do hope she comes to her senses. Then again, I guess I only know there's an issue with you putting work first. I don't know how "bad" that was, nor do I know how bad the mitigating factors were.

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Oh lawdy

 

Pretty obvious she still loves you. Don't know what's going with her, but I do hope she comes to her senses. Then again, I guess I only know there's an issue with you putting work first. I don't know how "bad" that was, nor do I know how bad the mitigating factors were.

 

The work issue was pretty bad and the main culprit. Mitigating factors were lack of intimacy due to the fact I wasn't home very often.

 

Over the past seven month, I have done a lot of soul searching and working on myself. I realized I put my career first because I tied my identity to my job. I am breaking free from that and learning the new me, which also means I would be ok with taking a job in her area and settling down.

 

I expressed this in an email I sent to her the other day, to which I have received no response to.

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Same thing here, I have a very similar situation. Only thing is that ex uses excuse if I want to see my kids(which she knows I would never refuse) to have a reason to contact and see me 3-4 times a week.

 

I know how confused you feel brother. Keep strong

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supportlove
The work issue was pretty bad and the main culprit. Mitigating factors were lack of intimacy due to the fact I wasn't home very often.

 

Over the past seven month, I have done a lot of soul searching and working on myself. I realized I put my career first because I tied my identity to my job. I am breaking free from that and learning the new me, which also means I would be ok with taking a job in her area and settling down.

 

I expressed this in an email I sent to her the other day, to which I have received no response to.

 

oh. you sent the email! Great!

 

Since you told her what you want, I think you guys might want to go NC now. Like couple weeks NC will give each other some space to think? You guys are driving each other crazy now. Should stop contacting for a while. Just to calm down and figure out what's the best thing to do for both of you. She sounds confusing. Poor girl.

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Same thing here, I have a very similar situation. Only thing is that ex uses excuse if I want to see my kids(which she knows I would never refuse) to have a reason to contact and see me 3-4 times a week.

 

I know how confused you feel brother. Keep strong

 

Keep the faith!

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oh. you sent the email! Great!

 

Since you told her what you want, I think you guys might want to go NC now. Like couple weeks NC will give each other some space to think? You guys are driving each other crazy now. Should stop contacting for a while. Just to calm down and figure out what's the best thing to do for both of you. She sounds confusing. Poor girl.

 

Yup, I agree. NC is best for now.

Another interesting thing happened, which I think set the stage for the argument we had this morning.

 

On Sunday, she was texting me and I asked if she had any plans for the day.

She said she was meeting a friend of hers to go to a play.

 

Then she mentioned that it is at the same theater where we went to see a play when we were first dating.

 

I followed up with a memory of a nearby coffee shop we used to hang out at and she became very upset with me. That's when I realized she was on a date and not just meeting friend.

 

So, one of the other questions I asked her to answer honestly to herself is why, if she is totally over me like she is insisting, would bringing up a memory of when we were first dating upset her like that. At the stage where you are "over" someone, it should be a pleasant memory.

 

If anything, watching this unfold is an interesting lesson in psychology.

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hoping2heal
The work issue was pretty bad and the main culprit. Mitigating factors were lack of intimacy due to the fact I wasn't home very often.

 

Over the past seven month, I have done a lot of soul searching and working on myself. I realized I put my career first because I tied my identity to my job. I am breaking free from that and learning the new me, which also means I would be ok with taking a job in her area and settling down.

 

I expressed this in an email I sent to her the other day, to which I have received no response to.

 

Well, talk is cheap. It's possible that she doesn't want to be 'sucked in" by you, if these are empty promises. Not saying they are - but how many times does a person "promise to change" and makes a little progress and as soon as they have their partner back, reverts to same old same old.

 

I don't think she wants to move on so much as feels she has to move on because you aren't meeting her needs. This is one of those breakups that aren't caused by changed feelings or lack of love but still just as legitimate nonetheless.

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Well, talk is cheap. It's possible that she doesn't want to be 'sucked in" by you, if these are empty promises. Not saying they are - but how many times does a person "promise to change" and makes a little progress and as soon as they have their partner back, reverts to same old same old.

 

I don't think she wants to move on so much as feels she has to move on because you aren't meeting her needs. This is one of those breakups that aren't caused by changed feelings or lack of love but still just as legitimate nonetheless.

 

I agree 100% with what you said.

 

As for now, I am making arrangements to move back to the area, probably around November. This is regardless of whatever outcome may come of this.

I miss the area, it's where I grew up and has a lot to offer.

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Well, that didn't last. LOL.

 

Last night I decided on NC and that I was going to end it on a positive note.

We were having a pleasant conversation while she was out with a friend from work. She said she was on her way home and the texting continued...right until the same time elapsed when she would have gotten to the City where the guy she has just started dating lives (about half the time it would take her to get home).

Her messages abruptly stopped and I put two and two together. 3 dates and she spent the night with him.

Keeping it on a positive note, I wished her goodnight and sweet dreams when I was going to bed. I actually slept well for the first time in a week or so.

I woke up to find she still hadn't read the goodnight. It was finally read about 5:30 her time and at about the time she would have gotten to her home, the texting from her started with Good morning!! and went on to describe in very elaborate detail (more than usual) what she was doing that morning (feeding the birds, etc..).

This is all my intuition speaking to me, but I'm usually not wrong when it comes to this.

 

Through the morning, I was calm, wasn't agitated nor was I anxious. But as soon as that first text came thru, I became very angry with her.

I decided to test myself and responded, which we were going to have to do later that day to discuss some tax stuff. I am proud of myself that I didn't send any angry texts her way and just stayed calm and collected while conversing with her.

Tomorrow, we have one more thing to discuss and then I will be going dark.

I can't decide if I should tell her I am going into NC or just do it.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
Well, that didn't last. LOL.

 

Last night I decided on NC and that I was going to end it on a positive note.

We were having a pleasant conversation while she was out with a friend from work. She said she was on her way home and the texting continued...right until the same time elapsed when she would have gotten to the City where the guy she has just started dating lives (about half the time it would take her to get home).

Her messages abruptly stopped and I put two and two together. 3 dates and she spent the night with him.

Keeping it on a positive note, I wished her goodnight and sweet dreams when I was going to bed. I actually slept well for the first time in a week or so.

I woke up to find she still hadn't read the goodnight. It was finally read about 5:30 her time and at about the time she would have gotten to her home, the texting from her started with Good morning!! and went on to describe in very elaborate detail (more than usual) what she was doing that morning (feeding the birds, etc..).

This is all my intuition speaking to me, but I'm usually not wrong when it comes to this.

 

Through the morning, I was calm, wasn't agitated nor was I anxious. But as soon as that first text came thru, I became very angry with her.

I decided to test myself and responded, which we were going to have to do later that day to discuss some tax stuff. I am proud of myself that I didn't send any angry texts her way and just stayed calm and collected while conversing with her.

Tomorrow, we have one more thing to discuss and then I will be going dark.

I can't decide if I should tell her I am going into NC or just do it.

 

Honestly, she doesnt care what YOU do, so why announce it to her?

 

Dude, you are over-analyzing EVERYTHING right now. You're heartbroken, so now you are assuming what she is doing every minute of the day. That will keep you depressed and down. Stop doing that.

 

You need to let her do her thing. Turthfully, nothing is going to come about what you are doing right now. You just need to gracefully bow out and let her do her.

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Honestly, she doesnt care what YOU do, so why announce it to her?

 

Dude, you are over-analyzing EVERYTHING right now. You're heartbroken, so now you are assuming what she is doing every minute of the day. That will keep you depressed and down. Stop doing that.

 

You need to let her do her thing. Turthfully, nothing is going to come about what you are doing right now. You just need to gracefully bow out and let her do her.

 

I've been through the heartbreak stage already and have accepted that it's over. That happened 7 months ago.

What was a trigger, was her wanting NC when she started dating. It hurt a little (not like when we split), but I was cool with it. Just bringing up observations about her attempts at NC and now how it is making me angry to the point where I am going to be doing it.

 

But thanks for the input.

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you're not doing NC if you're still talking. NC means NC, not "let's play the waiting game and see who contacts who first".

 

this isn't going to stop until you actually stop talking to her.

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I've been through the heartbreak stage already and have accepted that it's over. That happened 7 months ago.

What was a trigger, was her wanting NC when she started dating. It hurt a little (not like when we split), but I was cool with it. Just bringing up observations about her attempts at NC and now how it is making me angry to the point where I am going to be doing it.

 

But thanks for the input.

 

If you've accepted that it's over, why are you trying to get her back?

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If you've accepted that it's over, why are you trying to get her back?

t

Good question.

There is a difference between needing her back (right after break up wanting to immediately fill the void and stop the pain) and wanting her back (After much deliberation and soul searching, working on oneself, out of the depression thought process).

 

I want her back. If it happens, cool. If not, oh well. I keep moving on.

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Here is the no contact letter I sent to her this morning.

I sent it out of respect for her. We have way more good memories than bad throughout the relationship.

 

(name)

 

After much consideration, I agree with you about the decision to end the relationship. I believe it was the best thing for us. I have some really big life decisions ahead of me and I need some time to think them over. I would appreciate it if you did not contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.

 

Thank you for your understanding.

 

If issues arise with taxes, other logistical issues or an emergency, then I understand the need to communicate.

 

And here I go!

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Simon Phoenix
Here is the no contact letter I sent to her this morning.

I sent it out of respect for her. We have way more good memories than bad throughout the relationship.

 

(name)

 

After much consideration, I agree with you about the decision to end the relationship. I believe it was the best thing for us. I have some really big life decisions ahead of me and I need some time to think them over. I would appreciate it if you did not contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready.

 

Thank you for your understanding.

 

If issues arise with taxes, other logistical issues or an emergency, then I understand the need to communicate.

 

And here I go!

 

Not sure why you felt the need to send this. When you go No Contact, you just stop talking. You don't need a declarative "look at me" statement announcing it.

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Not sure why you felt the need to send this. When you go No Contact, you just stop talking. You don't need a declarative "look at me" statement announcing it.

 

I get different sides to this. So I chose to send a letter. What does it matter?

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Simon Phoenix
I get different sides to this. So I chose to send a letter. What does it matter?

 

It makes No Contact seem like a game, a hustle, a ruse, not genuine.

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It makes No Contact seem like a game, a hustle, a ruse, not genuine.

 

Hmm...I can see that side to that.

Also, my particular job is dangerous with a high fatality rate. I don't want to concern her with suddenly dropping off the face of the planet.

 

Our breakup wasn't a nasty one. I feel I owe her at least a statement that I am no longer contacting her. It also outlines that contact is only to be made for the issues I stated above. It sets boundaries and reinforces them in my mind.

 

What's done is done.

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so you sent her a letter saying, "i know you dumped me months ago, but i agree with your decision to dump me, it was for the best. also i'm going to ignore you and not talk to you, starting right after i send this letter to tell you i'm not talking to you".

 

this is way too much effort to just stop talking to someone that isn't showing any interest in getting back together with you.

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so you sent her a letter saying, "i know you dumped me months ago, but i agree with your decision to dump me, it was for the best. also i'm going to ignore you and not talk to you, starting right after i send this letter to tell you i'm not talking to you".

 

this is way too much effort to just stop talking to someone that isn't showing any interest in getting back together with you.

 

Ok, whatever. Thanks anyway. What's done is done. So why is everyone beating a dead horse? I don't get it.

And did you read as to why I wrote it? Or is your reading comprehension that bad?

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everyone is beating a dead horse because you're beating a dead horse. she already knows all of these things about you that you've said, i'm sure, and you're just reiterating to her what she's already said and done. if it made you feel better, awesome, but you were asking for advice about NC, and that's what everyone is giving you.

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