Sonic Cat Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 A little background. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, been in a relationship for 8 years. We both brought a LOT of emotional/mental baggage to the relationship which, I am now realizing, is one of the biggest things we have in common. She suffers from depression and has daddy issues and I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. Despite these issues, we decided to get married, naively thinking that marriage would be the magic bullet that would make our lives better. Things were good at the beginning of the marriage as everything was new and there was so much hope. But we did not take the time to address our issues and they grew and grew. Fast forward 3 years later and we swept so much resentment and other feelings below the rug that they are now coming out. We act like strangers when we are home together and any affection feels robotic and forced. We finally talked yesterday about a separation. I actually brought it up and she got extremely sad. She had mentioned that suicide may be one of her only options. This breaks my heart but it also shows just how codependent we have become. We've become so enmeshed in each other that the thought of living independently brings that degree of emotion up in her. Neither of us is happy and I told her we need to take this time apart to find ourselves. I don't know if it will ultimately lead to divorce or if we will reconnect but it has been an emotional rollercoaster and I'm only one day in. I find myself wondering if this separation was a good idea but then I quickly remember how miserable I've been the past few years and how nothing has changed. Are these feelings normal? Thank you for reading my unintelligible venting. B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J2911 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Yes they are normal in my opinion. I think the separation is definitely a good move in your case . If your wife is contemplating suicide she really needs to seek some immediate help . Verbalizing that is typically I cry for help but you should take all threats serious . You both need to independently resolve your own depression and anxiety etc.. in order to be able to move on with your lives. You both are clearly stagnant and there is nothing worse than stagnant relationships. That part I can relate to. It's horrible to have no communication or romance . Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 A little background. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, been in a relationship for 8 years. We both brought a LOT of emotional/mental baggage to the relationship which, I am now realizing, is one of the biggest things we have in common. She suffers from depression and has daddy issues and I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. Despite these issues, we decided to get married, naively thinking that marriage would be the magic bullet that would make our lives better. Things were good at the beginning of the marriage as everything was new and there was so much hope. But we did not take the time to address our issues and they grew and grew. Fast forward 3 years later and we swept so much resentment and other feelings below the rug that they are now coming out. We act like strangers when we are home together and any affection feels robotic and forced. We finally talked yesterday about a separation. I actually brought it up and she got extremely sad. She had mentioned that suicide may be one of her only options. This breaks my heart but it also shows just how codependent we have become. We've become so enmeshed in each other that the thought of living independently brings that degree of emotion up in her. Neither of us is happy and I told her we need to take this time apart to find ourselves. I don't know if it will ultimately lead to divorce or if we will reconnect but it has been an emotional rollercoaster and I'm only one day in. I find myself wondering if this separation was a good idea but then I quickly remember how miserable I've been the past few years and how nothing has changed. Are these feelings normal? Thank you for reading my unintelligible venting. B Lots of buzz words in your post but no specific identification of the problems you face in your marriage. Therefore hard for anyone to conclude that you'd be somehow better apart than together. Beyond that, you wife whom you (recently!) married "for better or worse" obviously needs immediate help. How do you separate and turn your back on her in that situation ??? Can't help but wonder if MC and improved communication wouldn't have a huge impact on both your lives.... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I am with Mr. Lucky - your wife needs immediate help and attention. Based on what you have written, counseling is a true need in your life as well. The feelings you have described are normal but the issues you say that both of you have can be addressed as a married couple just as easily as they can individually. The two are not mutually exclusive. Marriage is an honorable estate and can actually be very beneficial for the two of you as you seek healing in your lives. A separation can be useful to help both of you realize that a marriage like any relationship requires work and effort. If you are willing to do what needs to be done things can change dramatically. I have spent several years in the ministry and work now in an organization where helping married couples is a normal part of my day-to-day duties. There is no "magic bullet" to change you or your wife if you decide to separate and divorce any more than there was one when you got married. All human beings are "co-dependent" in one regard, we all crave being in a meaningful relationship where we are loved and where we are able to express love. Call that "co-dependent" if you will - I call that human relationships and we can't live without them and truly be happy or healthy. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gingerbird Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 There are a lot of things that need addressing in your post, but one popped out to me as most important. In my state, CO, it is against the law to threaten suicide. If she does it again, call 911. She is in desperate need of help. Hopefully they will place her on a 3-day hold and observe her and discover medications that may help her right now. As for you my dear, you seem to be very co-dependent on her too. I've been in your situation. I served papers on my soon to be ex a few months ago and it was long overdue which is probably why I feel relieved instead of having that pulled back feeling. I was there for five years. I wasted five years of my life. The "robotic" reference also rings familiar to me. I think you should get some counseling for yourself and not be so concerned with her reactions right now (except her mental health of course). It seems to me that you are trying to get healthy while she is stuck in a horrible mental state. Bravo for you seeing how unhealthy you both seem to be and trying to break the cycle. Please get some help (pastoral counseling, support group, psychologist, psychiatrist) for you because it will be the best thing you can do for yourself (and her in the long run). I hope I've helped and I haven't come across harsh. I wouldn't want to come across that way. It hurts me to know there are so many who are still where I was. Link to post Share on other sites
ashleyjohn Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 One way to address this issue can be to see a marriage counsellor. You can discuss your issues together and if your wife agrees, divorce can be a solution, for which an experienced family lawyer can help... Link to post Share on other sites
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