Post Separation Relationship

[BruisedBNBroken]

Back on LS after quite a hiatus and looking for tough love.

My story in a nutshell - loveless roommate marriage for a long time. Had an affair, which my therapist likes to call an exit affair. Admitted everything and my husband and I separated last October. I live in a state where a one year separation is required. We are pretty much living as divorced, separate houses, decree done, our boys are doing great. We're just waiting to be able to file.

I've done pretty much every cliche thing post separation - I went through intense weekly therapy, went on anti depressants, read tons of books, exercised, casually dated a bunch of guys for fun.

Anyway, to try to keep this thread somewhat manageable, I'll get to the point. Met a wonderful man about 5 months ago now and while trying to take it slow we have now fallen for each other. He is also separated, same exact day as me, but his divorce is bitter and ugly with a lot of stress and hatred and emotional, financial and custody stress.

I've read everything I can on rebounds, dating whole separated, dating a separated man, etc etc, yet Everytime I think I have enough strength to end it, I come back to the amazing chemistry, common values and friendship that we share. And I worry that I will regret ending prematurely based on statistics or what ifs. I know I'm playing with fire and this is a huge risk. Please, the lovely and experienced people on LS, help me determine if this is healthy or if I'm destined to get hurt. Is there any chance of this working out long term?

Thank you!

[Yasuandio]

Here it is in a nutshell, hon, sorry to say:

 

1. You are not legally available (which he must consider, and probably is).

 

2. He is not legally available (which YOU must REALLY consider).

 

3. You are his rebound and visa versa - stats are not on your side (which means you could get hurt).

 

4. "You are playing with fire and it's a huge risk."

 

5. Chemistry (raging hormones) always wear off.

 

6. When a person is under a great deal of stress (Divorce, finances, and custody), their head is not in the right place to make decisions about long term relationships with a new person.

 

7. The emotional termoil and hatred the man presents is an indication of how much he REALLY CARES about his wife. If he didn't care and love her - he would feel nothing, apathy. Not a good foundation for a relationship.

 

But, you know all these things, right?

 

He's not the only fish in the sea. You deserve better. Or - it is preferable to wait, be fully available. The world is not going to end. Wait a while longer before you get into this serious dating. Take some time to grieve the past, or at the very least, let the past get technically and legally in the past so you are a free woman.

 

How you like that? Yas

[Mr. Lucky]

Is there any chance of this working out long term?

Thank you!

There's a chance Cameron Diaz might come by my office this afternoon and invite me to Happy Hour. Just not a good one ...

 

In other words, the odds aren't in your favor for many reasons you seem to be aware of. For me, there's always a slightly clammy feeling being in the midst of someone else's personal business, a position that a "bitter and ugly divorce with a lot of stress and hatred and emotional, financial and custody stress" almost guarantees.

 

Won't this "amazing chemistry" be there when his divorce is done? You might want to wait...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tbisb74]

OM to you too, BruisedBNBroken...

 

I'm going to hit this from a different angle. Who cares? I think you should seize the opportunity to indulge in the happiness you feel, and just enjoy your life, taking each day as it comes. Yes, you are both technically (if not experientially) married to different people, so yes it is an 'affair'. But if things have clicked and you have found comfort, fun, companionship togetherness and deep affection in each others' arms, then indulge yourselves and take advantage of the present. Brace yourself for a possible ending, by all means. But guess what? When you married your H, you didn't brace yourself for a possible ending. And that ended. And you coped, and managed and here you are, on the way to being single in a little over 2 months.... Nothing is predictable, except endings. We all have one. Enjoy, relax. Simply because you have met another man with whom you have clicked, does not mean a new, permanent long-term, committed relationship. It means you are capable of loving and enjoying life. So do so.

[TheBladeRunner]

I won't even reference the statistics here. As far as dating while separated after my WWXW's affair......didn't go well for me. I wasn't even divorced yet and I had no idea how it was going to play out, what I wanted, or what I needed. I stopped dating last September and did not start again until recently. Glad I took the time to figure myself out......."I" was the real problem early on. JMO

[Yasuandio]

OM to you too, BruisedBNBroken...

 

I'm going to hit this from a different angle. Who cares? I think you should seize the opportunity to indulge in the happiness you feel, and just enjoy your life, taking each day as it comes. Yes, you are both technically (if not experientially) married to different people, so yes it is an 'affair'. But if things have clicked and you have found comfort, fun, companionship togetherness and deep affection in each others' arms, then indulge yourselves and take advantage of the present. Brace yourself for a possible ending, by all means. But guess what? When you married your H, you didn't brace yourself for a possible ending. And that ended. And you coped, and managed and here you are, on the way to being single in a little over 2 months.... Nothing is predictable, except endings. We all have one. Enjoy, relax. Simply because you have met another man with whom you have clicked, does not mean a new, permanent long-term, committed relationship. It means you are capable of loving and enjoying life. So do so.

 

Your pliloshophy is to die for, you sexy one. But she "vwants" more! That is the problem. Next. Yas

[RonaldS]

Having been there, done that.....I sort of agree with Tbisb.

 

Nothing wrong with enjoying your life. Loveless marriages, those that lack intimacy and connection...they're no fun. Finding good physical compatibility and enjoying it is fine and you shouldn't shy away from it.

 

Now, if you're using it to solve a problem, make up for a loss or expect it to blossom into some magical fantastical lifelong relationship....step away.

 

From just a few days after separating through present for me, there have been a number of things I did that were passionate and connected if not maybe a touch unhealthy. But I was upfront about where I was emotionally and what I could give. At the end of the day, I'm sure there were some disappointments, but nobody died and after the passage of time, some people were able to share some really nice moments.

 

And then life moved on.

[central]

You've dated casually and had some fun. This new relationship is different. It's grown naturally and sounds viable based on real compatibility. I don't think it's a rebound, and to some extent rebounds are a myth. You CAN meet your ideal match immediately, but you just need to be more careful in such cases to be sure it's not an illusion or delusion. I think you're doing that. Statistics apply to large groups and are NOT predictive for the individuals in them.

 

Anyway, there is NO need to rush to formalize a new relationship, even when the old one is definitively ended. Give it time for him to end his nasty marriage and begin to heal. Don't expect too much from him too soon, and if this is real for him as well, it will work out. The only potential problem may be if he needs some casual dating time and has not had it.

[oldshirt]

So let me get this straight, you like him and have a good connection and chemistry with him but you are thinking of dumping him even though no-one has done any wrong because statistically it shouldn't work out???????

 

Yeah I gues that sounds legit.

 

 

(Sarcasm in case you missed it)

[BruisedBNBroken]

So let me get this straight, you like him and have a good connection and chemistry with him but you are thinking of dumping him even though no-one has done any wrong because statistically it shouldn't work out???????

 

Yeah I gues that sounds legit.

 

 

(Sarcasm in case you missed it)

 

Thank you so much for this it made me laugh. I realize on one hand how absolutely ridiculous that seems. Yet on the other hand, I am trying to think through this with logic and reason also, instead of just letting my emotions guide me, which I know are probably not trustworthy right now. I am really afraid of hurting him, and getting hurt, and just trying to do whatever I can to maybe learn more from other people further along than me.

 

Thank you very much again for everyone that has and is taking the time to respond. Every response is so helpful to me.

[whichwayisup]

Your separation and divorce has been easy and you're emotionally in an okay place. The guy you're with isn't. His emotions are out of whack and he's stressed out. Your kids are happy, his aren't. You and your ex get along as co parents, they won't..For a long time, if ever. He will have tons of emotional baggage and problems with the kids going back and forth, harder for him to focus on a new relationship and put effort into you.

 

Just take it slowly and try your best not to put him first, protect your heart.

[dichotomy]

Will keep it simple, take pleasure and joy were you can find it with this man, but keep the kids out of your "relationship" - for a long long while. Keep it on the downlow.

[2.50 a gallon]

I was totally devastated at the break up of my marriage. For me the best way to heal was to get back into the dating scene as quickly as possible, though this time I was determined to never fall in love again. A couple of months later I found myself conflicted as I began a FWB relationship with a co-worker, who had also recently broke up with her H. It soon became obvious that we had so much more going for us, as we connected on so many levels. Way more than we had with our Ex's. It seemed to good to be true, add in the advice that rebound relationships never work, and my determination to never get hurt again, I suddenly and quickly broke it off.

A year later, we crossed paths, she had dated, but there was nobody special, and she still felt that she loved me way more than she ever had her husband. But I had hurt her so badly, there was no chance that she would ever take that chance with me again.

For me it would be another 13 years before I let my guard down. And once again, it was with a gal who had just broken up with her live in boyfriend of several years. The rebound relationship scared me, but I had no choice in the matter for the first time in 13 years I was falling in love. We have now been together for coming up on 19 years.

I never had kids, and sometimes I kick myself for letting the first one get away.