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Can't do it!


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Since starting posting here, I have gone from 1) wanting to fix our marriage, being in denial, to 2) worrying and feeling trapped, to 3) plain old wanting a divorce. I am progressing.

 

I can't bring myself to tell my husband that I want a divorce. I tried to tell him tonight, but he said that he was busy on his ipad and that he didn't want to talk. Well I can't just blurt it out crassly. Plus, he is traveling tomorrow 2 hours each way for a tiring job he does. (He works one day every week or two, 2 hours away. I work nearly full-time and make up for it late nights with more work. We have a toddler.)

 

So I said nothing last night. I did not want him sleepy on the road after a sleepless night. He already has huge sleep issues and just can handle very little--one reason he is grumpy and mean and puts himself first so much. He didn't want to talk, said he was going to bed, and I just didn't get the words out.

 

He said we could talk on Monday. But I worry that if I tell him on Monday, then the next day he will be sleep-deprived and distracted with our son while I have to work. He is a good father, but neglects some things in ways that really worry me. I guess I don't feel I can rely on him to be competent if he is a little upset. He complains all the time about how hard it is already to watch a baby, he sleeps almost every minute that he's not watching the baby, and I feel he is too fragile to hear some bad news and be a dad the next day.

 

Then there is the divorce aftermath. I do not want to suddenly put our 15-month-old in day care, when he is used to having mommy or daddy take care of him. And he sleeps late, so I hate to suddenly start waking him early for day care. My husband will surely have no money and no job, so I have no idea how much he'll be able to take care of our son at first. I just don't want the big, huge shake-up in my son's life. It's never a good time! And yet I want a divorce.

 

I have thought about taking a week or 2 off work when we divorce, but I'd have to time it perfectly so that I tell my husband the day before my planned vacation. Somehow I don't think things will just go smoothly like that, and it sounds kind of calculated for such a sad event. I also have to step up my production at work.

 

Besides the logistics, I guess I am very scared to do it. How do you actually do it?

 

And what happens the next day? The next week?

 

It all just seems so sad, even though it is the only choice besides an even more painful option of clawing through the years in this terrible relationship.

 

We rent a house, lease is up in December, husband has some family in town (complicated) but no money and no job, we don't really have anyone to watch our son for free very much. Husband is not disabled, just can't or won't find work. I have no idea what he'll do, so I can't foresee what the early days of divorce will be like. He does not communicate plans and he does not make plans either. And for those who have not read my story, no affairs (unless he is secretly), no physical abuse, no drug or alcohol abuse, but horrible relationship, no compatibility besides, and one awesome, super sweet, happy baby son.

Edited by jakrbbt
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Find a lawyer, and have him serve papers. Then deal with everything, one step at a time, as it unfolds. Do nothing without sound advice, and avoid the knee-jerk reactions based on pity, sympathy and guilt.

Done.

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veggielover

Oh jakrbbt... I've been where you are. It took me months to finally say separation to my husband. I kept "planning" to tell him. I'll do it tomorrow... next week.. after summer.

 

A couple weeks ago we were having a "discussion".. not a fight. Things went just as they always do.. and I couldn't take it. I just blurted it out. So much for planning, eh? Luckily he agreed.

 

I've used all the same excuses you have... not that they aren't valid. But at some point, I believe we get to a place that we just can't take anymore.

 

I am still sad.. I cry. I know this is the right thing in my head... but my heart is still breaking. It's not easy. It took me 7 months to actually say it after I had made my decision. You will be able to do it once the time is right.

 

I can't help you with the legal side.. but I do think if you have any inkling that it may not be received well.. seek legal advice first, so you know where you stand.

 

Good luck!

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Jakrbbt,

 

You have really come a long way. Your last thread, regarding "effects of badmouthing behind your back" had me really concerned - as it was sounding a bit paranoid, understandably so. Paranoia is most often rooted in reality. What more do you need to hurt your productivity at work? While, technically, only one dimension of the your work is suffering, suppose you had a life without this conundrum? Perhaps, you might be excelling past the norm in your career, that is what is sad. You will come back.

 

This new issue is much easier to solve. Husband is using the "ostrich" technique on you. He doesn't have his ducks (oh, I mean troops) in a row yet. He wasn't expecting you to actually want the divorce - that puts the shoe on the other foot. He needs time to get up to speed. By being agreeable and seemingly proactive towards the divorce (he senses it), the process is coming up and your knowledge base is vast. He thought you might break down. Surprise!

 

Now he knows - you have to move you fanny. I will tell you why. Recall his original strategy - the topic of your first thread. He wants you to support him, SAHD. (You still have that "I feel sorry for him" thing to get past). Recall - getting his troops together? Read your old threads, darling! BELIEVE was he has said and done. BELIEVE what you see.

 

If I was in his head, I would file for SSI, get permanently disabled. I bet one in coming. Poor guy, so tired from work one day and evening. You are walking on eggshells so he will be in good spirits to take care of the the child? READ THAT TO YOURSELF! Does that sound normal? You got to have kid gloves with this guy, because he is so fragile? Huh? Come on, sweetheart, you have to stop making excuses for him. Instead, maybe be focused on the details of matter such as:

 

"He's a good father but neglects some things that really worry me."

 

What the heck does this mean, honey? This is where you sort of "smooth over" something that makes me wonder how bad the situation (or denial) really could possibly be.

 

You say "You can't do it!" here is the secret: Turn the word "Can't" into the word "Can."

 

It is easy - your attorney has the template, he fills it in, and fills it at the Courthouse, and has husband served, period. I dont need to tell you, make sure you are the Plaintiff, and get moving cookie. That is how you do it. Don't be talking about - that is showing your cards! Just do it. Like the Nike commercial says! Yas

 

PS. You are at 50 posts. I sent you a PM!

Edited by Yasuandio
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OK, I feel bolstered now. I greatly appreciate the advice. It is good to know that someone has been there. It is good to hear that I've come a long way.

 

My husband has been quite pleasant for the last couple days. It certainly makes me calmer, but it does not make me feel any more hopeful for the marriage. This sort of thing used to have me all desperately hoping that it just might work. Now I merely feel like I can take a breather because I am not being tormented hourly-- but I don't feel like I want to be in this relationship forever just because he is intermittently nice to me. And even if he were to be 100% nice forever, we still have low compatibility and other problems (extended family, employment issues, different values).

 

However, I now realize that he can be considerate and patient-- without being too taxed. That means he can handle being a parent while going through divorce. It's not something I could control anyway though, so I might as well not dwell on it too much. Yas, you are right, I can't walk on eggshells just so the other parent will be a decent parent. Nor do I have to, probably. That is just me being angry and distrustful of him overall. I guess I have to let go of some of the stuff.

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Good, you are smart, and wising up fast.

 

Only thing you might work on is BELIEVING what you know to be a fact.

 

The "troops gathering," and his seeing a divorce attorney regarding alimony says it all. That bell cannot be unrung.

 

Since it is on the table, he is being nice-nice cause you are up to speed on his intent. He believes he can con you into thinking he's changed positions. That hasn't happened. No way.

 

When someone tells you (and shows you) who they are, you'd be smart to believe them. Yas

 

PS. You really are doing great! Bravo!

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Besides the logistics, I guess I am very scared to do it. How do you actually do it?

Absent abuse or infidelity, the "D" word is a tough one. Given the issues in your marriage, it hasn't come up before :confused: ???

 

Once you cross the line by declaring your intentions, tough to go back. So I'll simply ask are you 100% sure this is what you want to do? No options for marriage counseling? No regrets or looking back?

 

It's obviously a big step...

 

Mr. Lucky

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OP, I've read your posts and felt like I needed to back up what Yas is telling you.

 

She speaks 100% truth.

 

Divorce is war. No, you don't want it that way. But, it is. Your husband will become your enemy. He has already shown you that with his behaviors, and the message you seen on the Ipad.

 

I know you are concerned for him, but he is NOT going to be concerned with you. You are not his mother, nor his caretaker. You must realize this ASAP.

 

If you have any worries about him taking custody of your son, please take steps to make sure that doesn't happen.

 

You need to document everything: when he takes care of the baby, when he takes off and doesn't give you any idea where he is, etc. Cover your bases, girl, because your son is counting on you.

 

I hate snooping but in your case, you NEED to do it. Get on his Ipad and read his messages to his sister. You need to figure out what he is up to, and what he has planned.

 

I would get him out of the apartment before the lease is up, so that YOU are the parent who looks like she's providing a home for her child.

 

Once war is declared, do not believe anything he tells you, and do not underestimate what he is capable of. Stop worrying about taking care of him, and take care of yourself!! And your baby!!!!

 

Please take the advice of Yas and get prepared. You are going to be in for a fight. But, when you come out of it on the other side, you will be much stronger and happier.

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Absent abuse or infidelity, the "D" word is a tough one. Given the issues in your marriage, it hasn't come up before :confused: ???

 

Once you cross the line by declaring your intentions, tough to go back. So I'll simply ask are you 100% sure this is what you want to do? No options for marriage counseling? No regrets or looking back?

 

It's obviously a big step...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We're on our fourth marriage counselor, been in counseling for a couple years now. First counselor was good, next two meh, fourth one is very very good. But I don't think it's going to save us. The counseling may however help with discussing the actual divorce, he has done that for couples and has helped them work through the details.

 

H and I have talked about divorce ever so touchily. H does not want it. Howevr, lay night he finally said that he thinks we may very well end up getting divorced, though he'd rather stay together and resolve our issues. But I'm finding that difficult when I distrust him, and also, I don't want to wait too long s nd divorce when baby is older and more aware, and custody and support and money issues become more of an issue to fight over. So I'm planning to discuss divorce in one of our next few counseling sessions. Ugh. Ugh ugh. I'd rather eat worms, really.

 

And yes, you put your finger on the nub regarding the difficulty of making my decision. That is, am I not rushing into divorce the way some ppl rush into marriage, for timing purposes that may turn out to have all been in my head? But I have so many more reasons to believe we can't stay married for anywhere near long term, and I can't function at all the way things are.

Edited by jakrbbt
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But I'm finding that difficult when I distrust him, and also, I don't want to wait too long s nd divorce when baby is older and more aware, and custody and support and money issues become more of an issue to fight over.

 

I still have the impression that you have an overly pessimistic view of marriage and an overly optimistic view of divorce.

 

Divorce now and you'll most likely be fighting over "custody, support and money" for the next two decades. You'll also be sharing custody with your husband while having virtually no input into what happens with your child outside your care. You may be faced with having some stranger - Dad's new GF or wife - parent your child. In short, while gaining some things you may be giving up a lot. Read some of the posts in this very forum.

 

Wish you we'll which ever way you go. Keep posting, lots of good input here...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr. Lucky, I have thought all those things about divorce and worse. No one who could peer inside my thoughts could ever think that my view of divorce is optimistic-- in fact, my attorney had to pretty much talk me down from the ledge of catastraphizing.

 

Even so, the prospect seems better than the prospect of staying married. Not that that is a nice place to be in-- scaly rock, or spikey hard spot?

 

I do not want to stay in a marriage for fear of divorce. The less trustworthy a spouse is, and the worse he'll behave in divorce, the less I'd want to be in a marriage with him.

 

You make a good point about the custody, BUT, it right now he is making it so that I do not even have fifty percent input in decisions regarding our child. He interferes with my relationship with our child. (He used to take him from me when I was about to breastfeed, one of many tyrannical examples.) He already has other people watch our baby frequently while I'm at work, refuses to let me know or to tell me who they are, and lies about it afterward. He takes the baby sometimes without telling me when they'll be home, which was especially bad when I was still breastfeeding-- and other times he just leaves all day and evening when I'm supposed to be working, so I care for our son rather than working. Mine is one of those situations where joint custody would actually help enforce my right to parent and have a relationship with my son, as well as my ability to work and have a predictable schedule. It won't be perfect, but it will be guided by the court and not by the whims of a mad disorganized control freak.

 

There is also the issue of chronic unemployment and no help around the house, no plans or discussion of plans to ever work. I would rather have a custody battle for 20 years than someone taking all the resources, time and money, from my son for 35 years.

 

Tonight he left to get us a pizza because there was no food in the house. But apparently on the way, his sister called him crying because she does not like the SUV that she just bought. (This is a 38-yr-old woman.) So she told him to come over, and he and his mother went and comforted her for three hours. Meanwhile I didn't know what was up with the pizza errand or when he'd be back, baby and I had frozen veggies and an avocado for dinner and i did the nighttime baby care et c. When he came home, still with no pizza, I told him that I was upset about that. He was quite offended, told me his sister was important to him and he "would do it again." When I told him that this sort of thing had happened too often with his sister and was affecting me and our son, he slammed the door hard in my and baby's face. Now, if we are divorced, he can spend the entire night with his sister every time she stubs her toe, and it would not matter. There would be no doors violently slamming in my face. I long for that freedom. I don't want to be married to someone who is mean to me often and who wants me to just take it and who holds me back and who won't sleep in the same room and who won't work or go to school and whom I do not admire.

 

Even so, I do not want to go through with it. Can't quite do it yet. And also, what if I AM wrong? What if, as you say (MrLucky I mean), I find that divorce is far worse than I'd thought, and I kick myself for not sucking up and staying in this situation? That is my fear.

Edited by jakrbbt
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You sound like a considerate person based on the fact that you don't even want to keep your husband up late and make him tired for work. My ex wife had no problem waking me up for any reason--and I also had 2 hour drives with long days.

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When you are upset or angry - everything looks bad. That is a human response. I think that is what where Jkrabbt finds herself now. Everything is a disaster = even more justification for divorce.

 

Enter the reasonable consideration of Mr. Lucky for balance. This is. An excellent point. There are many other positive reasons to stay married that Jackebbt has named herself.

 

For me, here are the DEALBREAKERS: (1) the IPad revelation (gathering troops against his wife). As well, her husband's covert visit to an attorney to learn about spousal support. This conduct demonstrates disloyality. Those are stripes you cannot change on a tiger.

 

Current Situation:

 

Now that the husband has been called on the carpet, and surely being reminded of the reasonable expectations of a man, even a SAHD, from a third party (the 4th one). As a result, he is exhibiting hostile behavior. My guess is that his iPod plan has failed, and the escalating disrespectful attitude is an indication of his frustration.

 

Jkrbbt woke up and is taking control, posing direct questions. Sure, she has her weak moments. But she is not going to be a doormat any longer. Nor is she going to allow this individual to affect her work produce.

 

There is time. Jkrbbt, you have come a long way. Balance is key. The most important matter at the moment is to get your work product back up to HIGHER than standard. No crybaby pity-party about before and avocado. Depend on this guy for nothing, period. If you have no expectations, you will have no dissapointment is him to discuss - and the drama can be avoided. Call DOMINO'S - they deliver. You read me? The last thing you need is to feel sorry for yourself.

 

Hon, I gotta be extra tough on you! I know you can take it! Yas

Edited by Yasuandio
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