How do I confront my husband about his EA?

[Trista22]

I have been married for almost 28 years. Lots of ups and downs of course. We both have grown apart over the last couple years and I was dealing with it by drinking to much and he developed and emotional affair. I have since quit drinking and had a feeling he was having this affair after much suspicious behavior from him. The evidence so far is hearing him Skype with a girl while in the shower but could not hear what they were saying. I asked who it was and he said "just a friend" and dropped it. Long story is that I have records of his cell phone calls and texts from over 2 years with her. Shes his married X girlfriend from high school who were very serious. Could only see a few texts but they talked about kissing and skyping for 2 hours at a time. The amount of contact has greatly increased - 54 texts in one day.

 

 

He doesn't know I know these details and when asked if he was having an emotional affair or having phone sex he denied it and said I was jealous and paranoid.

 

 

Don't know the best way to handle this. If we divorce I will be financially in trouble and I do want to work on this marriage and he says he does not want a divorce but will not admit to anything.

Advice please.

[CarrieT]

First, google "gas lighting" so that you understand the concept and his lies.

 

Secondly, gather the evidence so that it is irrefutable and when confronted with it, he can't gaslight you.

 

Thirdly, if he won't give her up, consider why you want to stay in a marriage with someone who so disrespects you and deceives you. In the end - I believe - the money is far less important than one's sanity.

 

Lastly, are you SURE he has never met her? Or anyone else, for that matter? Get checked for STDs as he may have put your health at risk if he has cheated physically.

[Sweet108]

You may have a LOT more financial options if you divorce than you realize.

 

He's exhibiting typical affair behavior.

[2sunny]

Since he's not willing to admit to it then there's not anything you can do to fix your marriage.

 

And if he's not going to change anything there's little to do to make the M better.

 

So if it's unlikely to get better are you willing to leave him and divorce?

 

Most states grant spousal support. Meet with an attorney to see what you can expect if you divorce him.

 

It's amazing what we can feel and see once we are sober. Things never realized before start to become painfully obvious.

 

I hope you are active in becoming recovered.

 

Expose to the OW's husband. He has a right to know how much energy his wife puts into the relationship with your husband.

[jakrbbt]

I know that some marriages survive affairs. If you truly want to work on the marriage, think about MC-- except that he may spend the first several sessions telling the counselor how paranoid and wrong you are. (Counselors are used to that though). But either way, he has to admit to at least the emotional affair.

 

I never get why "you're just jealous" is supposed to be some kind of zinger-accusation that is supposed to make the "jealous" person put their tail between their legs and simmer down. Hey, sometimes people have a very good reason to be jealous. Some people actually do get replaced in a relationship or made to feel lesser to someone else. He'd be jealous too. What a dumb accusation he made to you. Meaningless. The man has no point.

 

OK, end of rant. I think you ought to make two groups of phone calls: find a lawyer you can meet with, and find a counselor you can both see. The lawyer can just give you some facts so that you are not confused by reasons to stay-- and then you can stay and work on the marriage for less bothersome reasons, not just because you feel financially stuck.

[Poppygoodwill]

I guess before you force the issue by presenting the evidence to him, you have to be clear on what you want to achieve.

 

It's good that you acknowledge that you've grown apart and you have had your own behaviour (drinking) that has contributed to the problem.

 

I think starting with that understanding wil be helpful as you proceed. In otherwords, things are complicated and you've both had a hand in getting where you are.

 

Once you know what you want, also be able to provide to him some proposals of where to go from here...MC, etc.

 

If you want to save the marriage I would not demand he stop seeing her immediately as that alone might push him in the corner and he'll declare he doesn't want to save hte marriage. It has to be his decision to cut her off, and he has to come to that at the same time he is committed to working on the marriage.