Crazy Jealous Wife

[SadnAlone]

I finally asked my husband for a divorce, but I can't help feeling like I'm making the wrong decision. We've been married for almost 15 years. We have five children together so I don't want to make this decision based on my emotional stress. I do want what's best for the kids. I felt that leaving him would give them the happier and healthier mother they deserve. We are a military family. I decided to become a stay-at-home mom and I've followed his lead for the past 15 years. We are in our mid thirties. My values have remained the same, however; my husband sees the world differently. He thinks that he should be able to keep in touch with any of his ex-girlfriends as well as any new girl he meets and finds interesting. He trolls social media sights and has tainted Facebook for me. I started the page to keep in contact with family and friends, however; he feels the need to add women he's slept with and anyone he has ever met or worked with. He's reasoning is that he's known some of them longer than he's known me. This wouldn't be such a big deal to me if he didn't have a history of lying to me and keeping secrets.

 

A few days after giving birth to our second child, I caught him in the act of trying to come on to a teenage neighbor of ours. I tried to leave him then, but him and he mother made it seem as though I was being a crazy jealous person and that it was unfair to him if he couldn't have any female friends. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was maybe being irrational so I gave him another chance. Shortly thereafter he started to stay out until 6:00 in the morning visiting nightclubs, bars, and strip clubs. He did this for over 10 years and there was nothing I could say or do about it. I was accused of being "old fashioned". I didn't have the right to tell him what he could and couldn't do so he did whatever he wanted. I became his crazy jealous wife. People in his command thought that I was a bitch and that I kept him from going out and having a good time. Then I started finding photos of other women on our computer. I even saw a few pictures of an ex-girlfriend. I also found a collection of porn he'd stashed in one of my old cd booklets. Not too long after that I found comments he'd made online to a seventeen year old girl dressed in only her underwear. He couldn't send her enough comments telling her how beautiful she was and what he would do if she were with him. He never told me that I was beautiful a day in his life. I finally got fed up. When I confronted him he threw the laptop down, shattering it. He screamed profanities at me and began throwing things at me. We separated for about two and half months after that. He was living in the barracks while I took time gathering the funds to move. Then his parents decided to visit. He wasn’t living at home with us and he failed to mention that to them. Despite my feelings on the matter, he invited them to stay for two weeks. I had no choice but to reconcile and I let him back in. I've been living with this hurt and mistrust for years.

 

Over the last 4 years his Internet activity began to get secretive again. He keeps passwords on everything. He clears his history and he uses tools like incognito to hide his web activity. He also keeps his phone on him at all times. He’s texting at all hours and his contacts list has over 30 women in it, and that does not include his mom and two sisters. He sends over 1600 texts a month. That's nearly quadruple our teenage son's usage. We have tried counseling. We've tried talking about our problems alone. Through which I've learned that female counterparts have come on to him. But what do you expect when you portray yourself as being either single or unhappily married. He's out until the early morning hours in clubs with other women. He keeps profiles on dating sites, he's listed himself as single on Facebook, has blocked me from viewing any of his friends or posts and his excuse for this is that, " I don't know how that happened. I didn't block you." As if I were too dumb to understand how Facebook settings work. I've gone months without logging onto my page just so I don't catch something inappropriate. I also learned that he's lied to me about keeping in touch with a girl he dated over 17 years ago. I couldn't believe that after all this time, this woman was still a subject in our conversations. I hated the fact that I was still speaking her name. Then I found a text he'd written her professing his love. He'd told her that he'd never stop loving her and that he wanted to be with her. He told me that he had written that for her while we were separated for two and a half months, but the time line doesn't add up. Besides that, the message synced to his iPod from his Google account. For us, this would mean that he only could have sent that text to her between 2009 and 2014. We bought the new laptop in 2009 and we didn't start using Gmail until about that time. Am I paranoid? Am I being completely irrational? Do I have a right to be concerned about where his loyalty lies and whether he truly loves me?

 

One of my therapists said that I don't have the right to ask him to sacrifice his happiness for mine. In other words, I shouldn't be asking him to change his behaviors if it makes him happy. But I sacrifice my happiness everyday. For 16 years I've sacrificed. I enabled this behavior by staying; therefore I should live with the consequences. My husband thinks that everything he does is innocent because he's not looking for sex. He just wants to have fun. He wants to continue to stay in contact with his ex-girlfriends; go bar hopping; stay out until dawn; and form any type of new relationship with anyone he pleases, just as long as he doesn't cross that line. “There’s nothing physical going on so I’m okay.” The truth is, I don’t have any evidence of infidelity. But I can't help the fact that this behavior seems unfair to me.

 

I have already initiated the separation proceedings because I can't help but feel like this man doesn't love me. He's not fighting for me. He won't do what it takes to fight for our marriage and our children. He's choosing them over me and I feel betrayed. Sometimes I wonder if he just stuck around because he didn't want the financial burden of child support and alimony. After couple’s therapy, I realized that I'm harboring a lot of resentment and mentally I couldn't handle everything that was going on. I just can't shake this feeling of betrayal. Am I overreacting? Do I need to be more open-minded for the sake of our marriage? There are people in far worse situations and I'm whining about something I have no evidence it even happened. Should I just be grateful he hasn't admitted infidelity and move on?

[Frank13]

The only thing crazy about you is that you stayed and put up with this so long. Overreacting? You are sooooo underreacting that it isn't funny. This marriage is dead and your husband has zero respect for you. He had gone way over the line in so many ways. Kick this loser to the curb. The sooner the better. Your therapist sounds pretty dumb. You are sacrifing your happiness for him. The time to move on from this mess is way overdue.

[trippi1432]

One of my therapists said that I don't have the right to ask him to sacrifice his happiness for mine. In other words, I shouldn't be asking him to change his behaviors if it makes him happy. But I sacrifice my happiness everyday. For 16 years I've sacrificed. I enabled this behavior by staying; therefore I should live with the consequences. My husband thinks that everything he does is innocent because he's not looking for sex. He just wants to have fun. He wants to continue to stay in contact with his ex-girlfriends; go bar hopping; stay out until dawn; and form any type of new relationship with anyone he pleases, just as long as he doesn't cross that line. “There’s nothing physical going on so I’m okay.” The truth is, I don’t have any evidence of infidelity. But I can't help the fact that this behavior seems unfair to me.

 

It is unfair...if the shoe were on the other foot.....

 

No, you should not live with the consequences...you had five children together and this continues to be his behavior? Your husband wants to be a bachelor...so be it. The fact isn't what he isn't doing, it's how it affects you, if you have been holding it together for 15 years based on his behavior, you can step away from this "stupidity" and be just who you are as a mom and a woman.

 

The truth...and the fact is....your husband needs to grow up and be a man. This is something that you can't control...and based on the "mom" background..the best thing you can do is let go. No momma's boy is very good at taking care of a family as he always has momma to rescue him and put his woman in her place. My first ex "c*nt-in-law" died of brain cancer after marrying husband #15 for his SS check....I don't think anyone came (bad pun) to her funeral. I will tell you....freeing yourself from that controlling dynamic is best and the sweetest thing you will ever do for you and your kids.

 

Oh..and get another therapist...really?? No you don't have the right to ask him to change...and honestly, he's not going to. To hope that one day this man will see himself as you love(d) him....you will never replace the woman that made him feel safe and patted his head when he was naughty. Your staying is like "Patting his head" when he is bad....vicious cycle.

[Mr. Lucky]

One of my therapists said that I don't have the right to ask him to sacrifice his happiness for mine. In other words, I shouldn't be asking him to change his behaviors if it makes him happy. But I sacrifice my happiness everyday. For 16 years I've sacrificed. I enabled this behavior by staying; therefore I should live with the consequences.

As Trippi has already pointed out, how much tolerance would your husband have were your "behaviors" destroying your marriage ? Any good marriage has clearly drawn boundaries that don't include nightly strip club visits and FB professions of love for other women.

 

You have indeed enabled this behavior by staying. I'm guessing you know what the fix is and are just looking for the courage to get it done. Even if your ultimate goal is saving your marriage, your husband will never take your concerns seriously unless you separate. You need to reset and start over, with him or without him. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2.50 a gallon]

My guess, he and his family will again put pressure on you, once they find out he will be having to pay child support for 5 and possibly spousal support. Get a good attorney. If he has been in the military all this time, and ends up being a lifer, you should be eligible to collect some of his military pension. That is going to make him really unhappy

[Keenly]

Do not second guess yourself. You are doing the right thing. This is the only way to ring back happiness and satisfaction to your life. It will be difficult. It will take time. But press on.