Am I overreacting ?

[Meg284]

We are married for over a year now, we still should be in that big love stage.

Unfortunately we are not. And I'm not sure if we ever were.

 

Because of some work/family realted things we lived far away from each other for few months.

Now we are reunited, and on vacations in 5 stars resort, where everybody is behaving great, have manners etc.

And he is making me want to just either cry all the time/ or pretend that we don't know each other when we are out in public.

His first concern when we got here was to organise some weed, I said no at first, but then I gave up thinking that he will use it only sometime, once a day in the evening or so. Also I knew that he is not going to care if I say no..

But since he got it.. He smokes all the time, starting at 6 in the morning..

He is making pig out of himself in restaurants, stuffing his mouth,

eating with his fingers, and having his face dirty.

He made such a mess in the room, that I'm embarrased to have room service to come today.

Also I don't think he has any respect to me, whatever I say which is not the way he wanted he will basically tell me to "f off".

I told him about my concerns, his answer was "divorce me, find someone else, you are complaining all the time, and overreacting".

 

Also he will never go shopping with me, and I'm not saying clothes, I mean grocery shopping, because this make him nervous..

He will never help me with anything in the house.

Sometimes I'm affraid to even say anything to him, because I dont want to make him angry.

 

He is 30, I'm 25.

 

Am I overreacting ? Or should I divorce him?

[d0nnivain]

I couldn't live like that.

 

What was he like when you dated?

[Meg284]

He was never perfect, but I was thinking that he will get better, after he change his job etc.. I love him, but I don't think that is enough.

[Michelle ma Belle]

He was never perfect, but I was thinking that he will get better, after he change his job etc.. I love him, but I don't think that is enough.

 

BINGO!!!!

 

Sometimes love ISN'T enough unfortunately.

 

As women, we have this innate need to nurture and fix things including our men but the truth of it is that if HE doesn't want to change, he NEVER will. No amount of love or servitude or nagging or whatever will. EVER! That is one lesson you need to learn immediately if you want to save yourself a world of pain in the future.

 

Regarding your OP, from what you've described, he sounds like a dope-smokin'-douche-bag. If this is as good as it will ever get, is it good enough?

 

If not, you have some hard decisions to make.

 

Good luck.

[carrie_o]

Have you tried talking to him about how serious you are when it comes to these issues? He may say "divorce me" but does he realize that is an actual option?

[slizl]

I would try to break the cycle of negativity. Try engaging with him when he comes home from work tonight. When he walks in the door, give him a big kiss, tell him that you love him and ask him about his day. Sometimes all it takes is for one person to be positive and care, and it will cause the other person to return the favor.

[No Limit]

We are married for over a year now, we still should be in that big love stage.

 

No, you needn't still be in the honeymoon phase.

At some point both parties have to work to keep the relationship working, and that's where the real challenge begins.

 

Are your goals aligned? Do both of you put more or less equal work into it? Can you or your partner change for the other (don't boo me out for being a controlling b!tch, it doesn't hurt to ask and telling the other guy to maybe not eat like a pig might benefit him too )? And the most important question, can you imagine a scenario in which both of you happily live together in 10 years?

[jakrbbt]

God, what a boor. I mean, I don't know the guy, possibly he is simply depressed. His reactions when you say you don't like things the way they are, could just be defensiveness. Possibly be either cannot take the criticism or he thinks that he lacks the skills to change. When I criticize a person, I try to throw them a bone too, some compliment or statement of my confidence in them. But if he keeps telling you he won't change, then you have some information on which to base your decision.

[bigman1]

No, you are not over reacting. You get to draw some lines and he has to deal with them. This is a marriage.

 

You cannot live with anyone that you are afraid to make angry. If he becomes physically intimidating or physical, THAT IS A DEAL BREAKER. PERIOD.

 

Tell him to fix his crap and the things you will not stand for or sit by and tolerate. The eating and making a pig of himself, probably should not be on the list. That is just part of the " for better or worse". Acting like you don't know each other in public and other acts of dehumanizing you. End that today. smoking weed all day, he gets treatment or its over.

 

he sounds like he's doing other stuff too and that is affecting his mental status. he could also have some un diagnosed mental illness. If there is no medical or psychological reason, he changes those deal breakers today or you have to end it. It really only gets worse if you don't correct course early. Worse yet, you could have kids and then, well lets just say that he will be a part of your life in some fashion for the next 18 years.

 

Final answer: Tell him what MUST be fixed and immediately. If he refuses, don't let your LOVE of him ruin your life, cut him loose and run.

[CarrieT]

I was thinking that he will get better, after he change

One should never marry with the "hope" or "idea" that someone will change...

 

Sorry, my dear, I would pull up stakes and run.