First 'divorced birthday'

[KaliKatherine]

I've managed to make it through the first Christmas, childrens birthdays, ex and ex mil birthday, and now mine is just around the corner. I have a distant but reasonably cooperative relationship with the ex (he lives 2 states away, didn't lawyer up for divorce, almost never initiates contact with the kids--pretty much leaves that to me as they are young age 4 and 18 mos has flown up to see them once in the past 9 months, has paid child support)

 

For some reason I am dreading this final 'holiday' in the first year of divorce. He was not a guy for traditions. In fact, we would actively resist any kind of tradition I would try to create around any holiday *except* for the fact he'd always put some special thought into birthdays. Also the last 6 months leading up to our separation was pretty distant and lonely, and the one time during all of that I felt like he 'remembered' me and made me feel appreciated and loved was the last years birthday. He made it home from work just after dinner ( a true rarity, usually not home until after bedtime) with some flowers, ice cream cake...then we loaded up the kids to quickly catch the sunset at the beach. I wish I'd thought to take a photo of us all.

 

I just realized that now the 'cycle' of holidays will start anew...and I am hoping that maybe some of you out there can tell me it gets easier in time? Or what helped you make it be so? I am also fortunate ( in a way, although perhaps my kids are not) in that since we live so far apart, there's no 'sharing' of kids on the holidays.

[thekid36]

I've managed to make it through the first Christmas, childrens birthdays, ex and ex mil birthday, and now mine is just around the corner. I have a distant but reasonably cooperative relationship with the ex (he lives 2 states away, didn't lawyer up for divorce, almost never initiates contact with the kids--pretty much leaves that to me as they are young age 4 and 18 mos has flown up to see them once in the past 9 months, has paid child support)

 

For some reason I am dreading this final 'holiday' in the first year of divorce. He was not a guy for traditions. In fact, we would actively resist any kind of tradition I would try to create around any holiday *except* for the fact he'd always put some special thought into birthdays. Also the last 6 months leading up to our separation was pretty distant and lonely, and the one time during all of that I felt like he 'remembered' me and made me feel appreciated and loved was the last years birthday. He made it home from work just after dinner ( a true rarity, usually not home until after bedtime) with some flowers, ice cream cake...then we loaded up the kids to quickly catch the sunset at the beach. I wish I'd thought to take a photo of us all.

 

I just realized that now the 'cycle' of holidays will start anew...and I am hoping that maybe some of you out there can tell me it gets easier in time? Or what helped you make it be so? I am also fortunate ( in a way, although perhaps my kids are not) in that since we live so far apart, there's no 'sharing' of kids on the holidays.

 

One day a year does not make up for all of the others. Someone who cares for you should show his love every day. That still being said. Anything that is fondly remembered gets easier not being missed as much while the time continues to pass on. Do something special for your own self and celebrate the new life you now have.

[Movingforward2]

I've managed to make it through the first Christmas, childrens birthdays, ex and ex mil birthday, and now mine is just around the corner. I have a distant but reasonably cooperative relationship with the ex (he lives 2 states away, didn't lawyer up for divorce, almost never initiates contact with the kids--pretty much leaves that to me as they are young age 4 and 18 mos has flown up to see them once in the past 9 months, has paid child support)

 

For some reason I am dreading this final 'holiday' in the first year of divorce. He was not a guy for traditions. In fact, we would actively resist any kind of tradition I would try to create around any holiday *except* for the fact he'd always put some special thought into birthdays. Also the last 6 months leading up to our separation was pretty distant and lonely, and the one time during all of that I felt like he 'remembered' me and made me feel appreciated and loved was the last years birthday. He made it home from work just after dinner ( a true rarity, usually not home until after bedtime) with some flowers, ice cream cake...then we loaded up the kids to quickly catch the sunset at the beach. I wish I'd thought to take a photo of us all.

 

I just realized that now the 'cycle' of holidays will start anew...and I am hoping that maybe some of you out there can tell me it gets easier in time? Or what helped you make it be so? I am also fortunate ( in a way, although perhaps my kids are not) in that since we live so far apart, there's no 'sharing' of kids on the holidays.

 

Today is what would have been my anniversary. In the same boat....I can't get it out of my head either. I've made it through Xmas, NYE, the birthdays, and all of the other holidays. Today has been rough and it's only the morning time. It's hard to fathom you are here, but I guess we will all get through it. I think back to where I was a year ago, and it was a complete nightmare. It has gotten better, and will continue to get better.

[M30USA]

I wish I'd thought to take a photo of us all.

 

Sounds like you still love the man. Who broke it off?

[KaliKatherine]

Sounds like you still love the man. Who broke it off?

 

That's a provocative question, M30 USA...yes,it's true there is still love there; however too many dysfunctional things, too much loss of trust, and not a conscientious commitment to work on those things ( or even see his part in the dysfunction) so...I made the decision to end the marriage.

 

Love, while a wonderful and marvelous thing, can only get you so far in a relationship. When trust and respect are absent, and ugly things like manipulation, control, and intimidation come into play...the love fades a bit and allows you to see how the less stellar parts of both partners combine to create an unstable and volatile situation.

[EverySunset]

It will. It most certainly will get easier.

 

Spend it how you want. Remember yourself. Ask a friend to watch the little ones and get a pedicure. Get cupcakes on the way home and put a candle in each one and have your babies help you blow them out. Scoop them up, and go back to the beach for sunset. Take a picture and revel in your little trio of closeness. Go back and crash with them all on pillows in your bed, or put them down and have a long hot bath with a book you love or a Ryan Gosling movie.

 

This will be a wonderful birthday for you. Count on no one but yourself for that and you will not be dissapointed.

 

Happy birthday, strong, capable and intelligent mama. You have earned it, every day.

[thekid36]

That's a provocative question, M30 USA...yes,it's true there is still love there; however too many dysfunctional things, too much loss of trust, and not a conscientious commitment to work on those things ( or even see his part in the dysfunction) so...I made the decision to end the marriage.

 

Love, while a wonderful and marvelous thing, can only get you so far in a relationship. When trust and respect are absent, and ugly things like manipulation, control, and intimidation come into play...the love fades a bit and allows you to see how the less stellar parts of both partners combine to create an unstable and volatile situation.

 

 

It's almost as if you care about him because of all the time that was spent together. Hard to spend an important period of your life with someone and not have specific feelings. This feeling of being connected with him will never really go away. It is this which you must miss the most and perhaps some of the sentiments you have been feeling.

 

 

Trust and respect really need to be there though if a romantic relationship is to move forward. A partner needs to enhance your life as opposed to inhibiting it. This man was causing you severe stress more than anything else.

 

 

Any anxiety you may have is going to fully fade away. You may just have to give it some time. Find the comfort in knowing that you have made the best decision for you. Should you choose to be with another person, he will provide you with the extraordinary experiences which you deserve. Not only on those special days.

[KaliKatherine]

Thank you everyone for the kind and thoughtful responses. And good luck to all of those still navigating the first round of holidays and special occasions.

 

I met a friend for breakfast, got a pedicure ( while the grandparents watched the littles) then picked up a yummy chocolate cake on the way home. Made grilled salmon for dinner. My eldest daughter enjoyed helping to blow out the candles. It was a relaxing, sweet and bittersweet kind of day. Unfortunately it was rainy, so a beach outing had to be postponed.

 

Got a text from my ex oddly enough saying happy bday/ hope you enjoy a special treat today...then made the mistake of replying thank you and thanks for making my past bdays special...and he responded that he wished he had the chance to do the same this year...and I was reminded ( yet again) how important it is to maintain low-contact-- it just hurts both of us more if there's any deviation. I will say though that's the only time I've caved into that weakness. Don't think I'll make that mistake again!