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Dealing with Guilt


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Hi Everyone,

 

I am unable to think rationally about something happened 2 years back.

My Brother in law wanted divorce but my sis wanted to stay in marriage and on one day he left home with my sis and her 1 yr old at home. Being from conservative roots , we wanted this not to happen and tried pursuing my bro in law to go back...He kept saying there are some problems and they cant be together unless the problems are resolved....2 years passed on and he suddenly started saying either get divorced (Because legally its possible now) or lets travel to India and discuss our problem and then asked my sister to move in with him after travel , and said for sake of KID we will stay together....

 

Somehow my family asked me to intervene and I dropped him an email (i was in different country) ... He replied that he is now willing to work on problems , he wants to have meeting with family in XYZ (different country), and post meeting he said he was looking forward to her moving in....in his email he accused of my sis and us not interested and doing anything as we were not responding to his request of asking my sis to travel to XYZ, There was lot of anger within me about him due to all the events happened and all the things my sister told me and i was expecting him to be sorry instead his accusation of we not tryng , when all of us were begging him since two years ....it made me really go angry and I kind of outbursted on email , saying that how he left my sis and 1 yr old kid alone, how he had extramaritial affairs (which he never accepted, but came to know now he has moved in with the woman whom my sister was accusing) ....I feel I simply was overwhelmed and wrote many things about his mistakes his wrong behaviour etc....He called me in between but I couldnt pick my cell and next 3-4 days kept exchanging emails where in I simply was telling about his points like his affairs , lving my sis and kid alone, telling my sis that he is seeing someone, threatening her with divorce all the time....etc etc...I thought by writing such emails he might accept his mistakes and would be sorry (how foolish I was)....He then called me and said stop forwarding my sis's emails, since all the mails i was writing were so personal i guess he assumed those are influnced by my sis, and he sent divorce forms to my sis next day...my sis was bit surprised because he was talking about trying my sis to move in (which she was not ready anyways because of her reasons).

 

My sister was happy for my support and said she is much relieved and infact it was giving her jitteres of moving back with him, but her problem was just as an life principle she wanted married life ...but she said it was not possible with such kind of person, she said its more of politics from his side that he waited for legal limit of 2 years and started this talk suddenly....

 

I immediately called my bro in law and said sorry on my part , and it was because I care so much about topic i wrote such things to you...he said its fine because probably I have his image in my mind based on what my sister told me, and said if we can arrange any meeting..

 

my sis had no leaves left and travel so far with kid she was not ready...

i tried to list to both of them and finally it was not possible for meeting...eventually we moved on ....my sister went to him to try a final way to take divorce back but he said he made decision and now he wont change...

 

In this whole story , I am getting a guilt that are my email outburst was required? did it do any damage? I am preying god for forgiveness...I am unable to think what I should have done , what i shouldnt have? ....in perfect world i should have refrained making any comments but the way my sis went through and the way mercilessly he treated situation there was lot of anger and someone should have done something least said for somehting for leaving responsiblity.....

 

I want stop this memories coming , I want to know my share of responsiblity in this...sometimes i fear that i should have refrained from those emails and stopped myself from speaking on behalf of my sister....

 

I was to leave this event behind me any suggestions kind words would do...

Edited by nikm
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No, you didn't damage or cause anything. By the time you typed the first few words of your mails he was already long gone.

Besides, who wants to keep a guy who leaves his family for some other woman? Tell your sister that she's better off alone than with a guy like that.

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You did what many loving siblings would do on behalf of their sister/brother. You are not the cause of their problems and you are not the one who will be able to fix them either. A marriage is between two willing partners who choose to be together and who choose to love one another. The first rule of change is to acknowledge change is necessary. When someone cannot even admit that they were wrong, how could change be expected? Forgive yourself and take solace in the fact that the issues between these two have nothing at all to do with you. Blessings and prayers sent your way.

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Don't take this the wrong way but their marriage isn't your business. Judging by your posts, it sounds like part of the problem in their marriage might have been your family's intrusiveness. Secondly, you said you "expected" ex-BIL to be "sorry" for what he did. Why would he? Is your sister sorry too?

 

I understand you have regret. The best thing to do is just back off from this point on.

Edited by M30USA
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@M30USA , No Problem, definitely I learnt my lesson to back off from such situations, actually my sis never told us anything until he left house, we were in different countries and rather there was zero interference and we were under delusion that all is well...

We thought he should be sorry as leaving sis and kid alone (she took care of kid on her own alone while doing part time job)...there was no major reason ...except him saying he was looking for fun partner and my sis was not etc ....this reason bought lot of anger in us and we were frustrated that he was not sorry at all for leaving my sis and kid on their own...but again I learnt my lesson , I have my own life and responsibilities and I should back off and hold my emotions and anger however true it would seem...and let God do his work...

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@M30USA , No Problem, definitely I learnt my lesson to back off from such situations, actually my sis never told us anything until he left house, we were in different countries and rather there was zero interference and we were under delusion that all is well...

We thought he should be sorry as leaving sis and kid alone (she took care of kid on her own alone while doing part time job)...there was no major reason ...except him saying he was looking for fun partner and my sis was not etc ....this reason bought lot of anger in us and we were frustrated that he was not sorry at all for leaving my sis and kid on their own...but again I learnt my lesson , I have my own life and responsibilities and I should back off and hold my emotions and anger however true it would seem...and let God do his work...

 

I'd like to share a story about why you can't always trust what you hear:

 

Shortly before my divorce, I told me ex to leave the house because she was totally losing it and I wanted her to settle down. Instead of just her leaving, she took my kids with her. (I tried to stop her but she quickly made it obvious that she would get physical so I didn't want to wind up in jail.) So after she left, I got a call from her father telling me that "those boys need a home and I'm disappointed that you kicked them out". I told him I didn't kick my boys out--just his daughter. And I didn't even "kick her out"--just asked her to leave to calm down. He wouldn't comprehend what I was saying because he had been fed 5 years of lies by her borderline personality daughter, so even he didnt know fact from fabrication. Or maybe he didnt want to know.

 

But my point is that you can't always believe what you're told. Sometimes your own family member can lie to your face just to get you on their side. Human beings are capable of incredible deceit.

 

So if you don't get involved here, you can't be manipulated by potential lies since it won't affect you. Even if your sister is NOT lying, it still does no good to stick your nose in their business (unless her life is in danger).

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Kudos to you OP for learning a lesson and backing off-- it is not easy to own up to a mistake, and it shows character. I do think that you crossed some boundaries in the past, described by your post. But I have a more important observation for you (since you do not possess a time machine). And it is this: Your family, too, crossed some boundaries. Your family sounds like boundary-crossers to me. Mark that, because it can be very difficult to deal with family members who cross boundaries. If you grew up with them, it can be difficult to set your own boundaries and communicate them without feeling weird about it. In fact, possibly that is why you have lingering guilt. And I would also observe that people who are quick to judge are usually not very secure in themselves. Good on you for moving on and butting out. I know you care about your sister though and I hope she does well.

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