Impending Divorce.. Denial.. Then THIS?

[Mommame2]

Many of you have been kind enough to read my bizarre story. My husbamd and I are divorcing because he doesn't want to file for bankruptcy and he wants me to do it alone and then he planned on us getting back together. (Which I not happening).

 

Anyway my bday is coming up and my aunt called me and told me that my husband invited her to come visit. Something she has never done (I always go to visit her). This is despite the fact that I has already planned to go see HER that weekend. She thought it was bizarre that he secretly invited her and didn't inform me. So she responded that she already has plans for me to visit her. He responded and said that he would still like to set up a visit for her...

 

She Felt his actions were creepy .. And sneaky.

 

Do you agree? Or was this just him trying to be nice? Or manipulative?

[ashleyjohn]

He is definitely trying to manipulate you and your aunt.

[MidwestUSA]

I can't even guess what he's up to. Go with your plan to visit her, and don't overthink his motives. Think ahead to your freedom!

[jakrbbt]

At the very least, he is not being direct. But then your situation is far from direct. I can guess he might be extremely confused about what kind of divorce this is, real or fake. Possibly he won't deal with you directly because he's not getting straight answers out of you.

 

Don't get me wrong, when I read earlier that your husband wanted a kind of sham-divorce, I thought: Hooray for her! She can divorce him for real! It sounds like he was NOT making it easy for you and I can see why you did what you did so far.

 

However, now you may be in the kind of perfect storm that is created when two people interact in a passive-aggressive way. I still think your husband sounds passive-aggressive. We all are sometimes, and your tact here-- turning his suggested bankruptcy divorce into a real divorce-- could become a passive-aggressive one if you let it. I'd own up with everyone including your husband that you want a for-real divorce. (Forgive me if you already did that. Maybe you need to do it again.) In other words, take the wave of opportunity that you jumped on, and ride it all the way to a legitimate, clearly-stated divorce. (Again, if you have not done so.)

 

I've read that the best way to deal with a passive-aggressive is by being assertive. Laying your needs and theirs on the table, and being very explicit about both your decisions and the feelings behind them. It might not change them, but it helps keep you, the other person, from becoming too entangle in the passive-aggressive web long enough so that you can get out.

 

But most of all, you can now start to believe, yourself, that your decision to divorce was an actual, real decision to divorce. Your own, thought-out decision. No matter what he thinks or does in response. It's not his decision at this point, it is one of those decisions that a person gets to make unilaterally. And I think that your decision was reasonable and even necessary, after reading your story. I think that you want a lot of external validation and perspective, am I right? If so, I totally sympathize with that-- I love love love external verification and advice for all of my problems, even though I know that my own reasoning skills are well above average. The more anxiety I feel, the more external validation I want about how things are. I love a good brainstorm. But the big fat snare is: Don't seek your validation and verification from the one person you're getting a divorce from. He is number one guy NOT to seek validation from, not even implicit validation.

 

There is not that much he can do to manipulate your situation. There is some, but not all that much. I think that it might help you immensely to see an attorney and ask, what can this guy really do? That way, you don't have to constantly check up on his motives. Rather, you can just shrug and not care whether he's being manipulative, (or prepare for some things if you have to). Kind of like you would not care if a tiny ant wanted to kick you in the shin and was taking tiny ant-kickboxing lessons to prepare for it. I'd like to see you get the kind of control over your situation where you make your decisions and no one can interfere overmuch. I think you've made a good call so far. I know I'm not exactly answering your question, but I had all these thoughts, I've thought about your story since first reading it. Keep us updated if you will.

Edited July 18, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Zeurich]

My husbamd and I are divorcing because he doesn't want to file for bankruptcy and he wants me to do it alone and then he planned on us getting back together. (Which I not happening).

You guys are getting a divorce because you both cannot deal a financial situation together is that what does it mean? Honestly I am not sure what to think. Getting a divorce and get back together for god sake why the hell he cannot do what ever together that is what husband and wife for. If you divorce divorce him for ever don't even think of getting back. If I were you I will sue him for cheating the law.

[Mommame2]

Thanks for this feedback...

 

You are right on about all of this and I understand your thoughts. I have wavered honestly... A lot. I'm terrified of the divorce and the impact on our son.

 

But when I look at the cold hard facts... He is avoiding any conversations about our financial situation. He is having me handle the bankruptcy filing (he doesn't realize I haven't done that yet). And he is hoping to keep me grounded in denial.

 

After hearing he was trying to fly my aunt in for my bday this weekend (a woman who does not travel)... He also sent out TEXT messages to people I haven't even seen in years for a surprise bday party at our house. My son ended up blabbing and I found out. When I asked my husband why he was doing this (he has NEVER done much for my bday) he said he just wanted to do something nice. But then told me only 2 people could come because some were out of town and others didn't even respond. Then he kept asking me why I thought one of my old co workers from 4 years ago didn't respond. I can tell you his comments made me pretty sad....

 

I told him to please contact the people who said yes... And let them know that I had a conflict he was unaware of... And he agreed he would do that and cancel.

 

It just makes me feel even worse. I don't have a ton of friends... And

Texting them to invite them to a party 3 days before...even though I haven't seem them in years? It is hard to swallow.

 

Then this past weekend I got a consulting job out of town. I was gone the whole weekend. When I returned on Sunday, he made dinner and he has been trying to give me hugs too. But he never asked how the job went. Or what I thought of the city. Or how my flights were etc. It was very very weird.

 

He just keeps asking how much I'm billing the guy... And where to send the invoice.

 

Just feels like such a bad place in life right now. I'm terrified of moving forward and also fearful of staying where I am.

 

Any insight would be appreciated on the above behavior.

 

 

At the very least, he is not being direct. But then your situation is far from direct. I can guess he might be extremely confused about what kind of divorce this is, real or fake. Possibly he won't deal with you directly because he's not getting straight answers out of you.

 

Don't get me wrong, when I read earlier that your husband wanted a kind of sham-divorce, I thought: Hooray for her! She can divorce him for real! It sounds like he was NOT making it easy for you and I can see why you did what you did so far.

 

However, now you may be in the kind of perfect storm that is created when two people interact in a passive-aggressive way. I still think your husband sounds passive-aggressive. We all are sometimes, and your tact here-- turning his suggested bankruptcy divorce into a real divorce-- could become a passive-aggressive one if you let it. I'd own up with everyone including your husband that you want a for-real divorce. (Forgive me if you already did that. Maybe you need to do it again.) In other words, take the wave of opportunity that you jumped on, and ride it all the way to a legitimate, clearly-stated divorce. (Again, if you have not done so.)

 

I've read that the best way to deal with a passive-aggressive is by being assertive. Laying your needs and theirs on the table, and being very explicit about both your decisions and the feelings behind them. It might not change them, but it helps keep you, the other person, from becoming too entangle in the passive-aggressive web long enough so that you can get out.

 

But most of all, you can now start to believe, yourself, that your decision to divorce was an actual, real decision to divorce. Your own, thought-out decision. No matter what he thinks or does in response. It's not his decision at this point, it is one of those decisions that a person gets to make unilaterally. And I think that your decision was reasonable and even necessary, after reading your story. I think that you want a lot of external validation and perspective, am I right? If so, I totally sympathize with that-- I love love love external verification and advice for all of my problems, even though I know that my own reasoning skills are well above average. The more anxiety I feel, the more external validation I want about how things are. I love a good brainstorm. But the big fat snare is: Don't seek your validation and verification from the one person you're getting a divorce from. He is number one guy NOT to seek validation from, not even implicit validation.

 

There is not that much he can do to manipulate your situation. There is some, but not all that much. I think that it might help you immensely to see an attorney and ask, what can this guy really do? That way, you don't have to constantly check up on his motives. Rather, you can just shrug and not care whether he's being manipulative, (or prepare for some things if you have to). Kind of like you would not care if a tiny ant wanted to kick you in the shin and was taking tiny ant-kickboxing lessons to prepare for it. I'd like to see you get the kind of control over your situation where you make your decisions and no one can interfere overmuch. I think you've made a good call so far. I know I'm not exactly answering your question, but I had all these thoughts, I've thought about your story since first reading it. Keep us updated if you will.

[Thewayitwas2]

Sad to read this.

Edited July 25, 2014 by Thewayitwas2

[jakrbbt]

I guess I would interpret his behavior as making an effort to try to stay married. After all, that was what he wanted, right, a nominal divorce for tax purposes but a marriage in reality. So he's making the people move like in a puppet theater to do the marriage-in-fact. A strange dance.

 

I would be hurt and embarrassed for sure if someone did all those controlling things to me, using my former coworkers and relatives to do so. I honestly don't know how you've lived through the marriage and breakup and remained sane. I just want to validate that you've been put through some hell by this person, and your decision to divorce is reasonable. I don't know you, but it is possible you can be an exceptionally kind person of high character and still decide to divorce him at this point.

 

At the same time, I read your story and I flinch because I wonder whether you are in danger of wallowing. You have to let your anger and resentment go. You are still asking what he is up to-- but as you are divorced, that does not strictly matter unless he's disobeying the court order. I suppose there is some kind of release in lingering over how not-OK his actions are. OK, fine, so linger and mull it over. But call it what it is: A release because you are angry and need validation and justification. There is no shame in that. It does not mean, however, that his games actually have to matter all that much. You can still make your own decisions, and should, regardless of how uncooperative he is.

 

And just to help you with some of that release and validation, I will say, your situation sounds pretty horrible and this guy sounds like one weird, controlling, impossible-to-work-with mess of a dude. I would be a hot-air balloon of anger if I were you. I'd have worms of resentment in my heart. It's true, yours is a situation that would be difficult for many of us to get over. But you sound intelligent and caring, so I think you'll get over it someday reasonably soon if you make that a priority.

 

I also think that divorce is very sad even for the people who were miserable in their marriage and wanted the divorce. That's why I am petrified and have not made the move that you have. I'd suggest that you let yourself grieve. Perhaps the "No-Contact" that people talk about here, or low-contact since you have a child.

Edited July 26, 2014 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

I just reread and I think that he is also trying to convey to you that he is hurt and angry and feeling unloved but will not or cannot express that. But what do you do with that?

 

You have got to move on. You're like a skier at the top of the mountain, and the only way to go is down, but you're there shivering at the top. Push off and ski down with confidence, you may fall once or twice, but you'll get to the bottom and you certainly won't regret moving. Plus, you have no choice.

 

Take one baby-step toward moving on tomorrow, and tell us about it if you care to do so. I am interested because I too am timorous, but I am not in as compelling a situation as you.

[SoleMate]

A sham divorce is a very dangerous strategy. Even if you had absolute trust in your partner (which you obviously don't), it could backfire. If he's planning something shady, your sham divorce may become all too real. Divorce is hard enough when it's legit.....don't give yourself the headaches of tiptoeing through the minefield of a sham divorce and/or sham bankruptcy as well.

[Mommame2]

Well thank you Jakebbt for your insight.

 

I think I have trouble seeing what you see as the world seems "normal"... What has he done? He hasn't beaten me. He's been a decent father... Does he provide like Id hoped? No. Does he protect me like I hoped? No. But no one is perfect. See that's what I often wallow back to...

 

You are right. I am at the top of the mountain and terrified of going down. But I must. I'm realizing that... Quickly.

 

I'm not a very good wife either right now.

 

For my bday? I came home from work And my son and husband were not home. They were at the store trying to find me a present. They got me socks and sweat pants. . No cake... Just a cupcake from the grocery store.

 

I dunno. You are right. I need to push forward... It just makes me overwhelmed with fear. But reading your comment made me feel better... So thank you.

 

 

I just reread and I think that he is also trying to convey to you that he is hurt and angry and feeling unloved but will not or cannot express that. But what do you do with that?

 

You have got to move on. You're like a skier at the top of the mountain, and the only way to go is down, but you're there shivering at the top. Push off and ski down with confidence, you may fall once or twice, but you'll get to the bottom and you certainly won't regret moving. Plus, you have no choice.

 

Take one baby-step toward moving on tomorrow, and tell us about it if you care to do so. I am interested because I too am timorous, but I am not in as compelling a situation as you.