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Separated for 3 months - having second thoughts


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imanidiot1969

My wife and are have been married for 18 years. We met in college and she was my only relationship ever. We had a good marriage but there was an issue which divided us and caused us to separate. We have 2 daughters, one through birth and a second adopted from China. My wife wanted to adopt a 3rd child from China. I said no, but she was very passionate about it and wouldn't let it go. She would bring up the issue in front of our children and it was causing me a great deal of stress. I felt that we would break up if i didn't agree. So I agreed to the adoption. That was my mistake. Anyhow, we filled out the paper work and a relative gave us the money for the adoption. My wife picked out a girl and we were a few months away from going to China to get the girl. I guess I kind of panicked and realized that I really did not want to go through with the adoption. Thats when things got ugly.

 

When I told my wife that I did not want to go through with the adoption, she said it was too late and threatened to divorce me if I canceled the adoption. She also hacked my facebook account and posted a picture of the child she wanted to adopt and said that we were going to China to get this child soon. Everyone at my work saw it and assumed it was from me. At the same time i started having an emotional affair with a coworker and my wife threatened to tell my boss if i canceled the adoption. It was very stressful for both of us and the girls. I wanted to go to marriage counseling but my wife said no. Then she made 2 appointments but canceled them. I held my ground and canceled the adoption. The pressure and anger in that house were unbearable. My wife said that she still loved me and wasn't serious about divorcing me. I felt that I could not be with someone who would make those kinds of threats. So I moved out.

 

Now I'm on my own for 3 months. The dust has settled and emotions are no longer running high. I see my girls suffering from this and I am starting to think that maybe I gave up too soon on my marriage. I want to ask my wife to go to marriage counseling but I dont know if its too late. I miss being a family and remember the good times we used to have before this adoption issue exploded. In the interest of full disclosure i was seeing someone during the separation. It sort of fizzled out due to lack of emotional connection. Maybe that has made me realize that I actually had a good thing with my wife (before the adoption issue). Any advice would be appreciated. I woke up this morning crying. I feel like a fool. . . .

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music_and_poetry

Wow sounds like a terrible, frustrating situation for you. If there is any hope, I would ask her if she would be open to meeting in a neutral setting for counseling. If she says yes, I think you need to go and discuss the issues there. You both have valid points, unresolved feelings, and lot of things. The wisedom of a 3rd party might be just what your marriage needs at this point. It is a partnership and while your wife can't be making decisions about expanding the family when you don't want to, it was wrong of you to agree and pull the plug last minute.

 

So yes, I say try to see if she's open to conseling. If she is, go. If not, then I guess you have your answer. A marriage is nothing if your team is broken. Remember that.

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In the interest of full disclosure i was seeing someone during the separation.

 

Ouch. This will lower your chances tremendously.

But don't think about lying to her about that. As soon as she finds out she'd fire you out of the house.

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It's not too late friend. When emotions run high, things can be said that are very hurtful. One of the primary ingredients to any successful marriage is forgiveness. I agree, your wife should not use emotional manipulation to get something that she desires, but I also feel like a husband should not leave the home because his wife made threats. I am very familiar with a Marriage & Family ministry that offers a free counseling session with a licensed counselor at no cost to you. If you are interested, send me a private message and I will forward the information to you. This is not ongoing counseling but it could be very helpful to get you on the right track. I am a divorced man who failed my wife and kids miserably. I highly encourage anyone and everyone to do whatever it takes to make their marriage work and to make it thrive. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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imanidiot1969

So I talked to wife yesterday about going to marriage counseling. She does not want to go. She did not want to go when we were still together and although she did make 2 appointments for counseling, she cancelled them both. Actually talking to her for a few minutes made me realize why I left in the first place. I had been feeling depressed after seeing my daughter have a meltdown last week about the divorce and I guess I felt guilty and did miss the family unit. But now I dont have any doubts that wife and I are not meant to be together. She is a narcissist who does not take any responsibility for her actions and blames everything on me. Also i met with my counselor and he helped me to see that i was trying to reconcile with wife not out of love but out of guilt and depression and those are the wrong reasons.

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