Ex-wife was a closet swinger

[DazzaKezza]

We were married 9 years, we have been separated 3 and divorced 2 so all this is in the past but finding certain things out only recently had shaken me more than it probably should.

 

When we separated it was pretty much a mutual thing, it just wasn’t working, we tried to make it work, she cheated, I nearly did, so we just called it quits. We didn’t stay friends but as we shared many of the same friends we were always friendly when at the same places. There was certainly no hatred towards each other.

 

I always had suspicions that she wasn’t trying as hard as me to make things work but she always sounded so sincere and swore that it was only the one time she cheated. I now know that I was so right that it’s not funny.

 

I now know that she had been in an “exploratory relationship” (her description) with her best friend since before we married. To make it worse her husband knew about it, approved it and agreed to keep it all secret. To make it even worse again it then escalated to include him about 3 years before our marriage ended.

 

As if it couldn’t get any worse they decided to expand their group and went to swingers clubs (which apparently are in abundance in our area… go figure). That’s when my ex decided she better finish it with me, how nice of her, hey? So I got the utter BS excuse that she had cheated with a random guy and a few months later after not being able to work our way through it we split.

 

It’s quite clear now that we were never supposed to work through it at all. We saw counselors and everything and she is a damn good actor because I was convinced of her genuine shame at what happened and genuine willingness to get past it. In actual fact nothing changed, she was still seeing them and just waiting until I left. She obviously wanted me to be the one to leave.

 

This all got dragged up recently when they (that’s the 3 of them) decided that they would come out to the world. A few people knew they were together as a threesome, some more suspected it but no-one knew they were also swingers. Now the whole world knows they are together and that they are also swingers.

 

When learning this they slipped up I guess and mentioned when they first did it. Once I realized the time frames I started asking questions and learnt the truth (well I hope I now know it all).

 

It feels like it’s so recent now, like a real kick in the guts. It feels like this just happened even though I should be well over it now. I can’t believe I maintained a friendship with her trying to be the bigger man when in hindsight I must have been laughed at on a daily basis.

 

I want to be angry at her, I want to yell at her and tell her what she has done to me but what’s the point? We separated 3 years ago, it’s all history but to me it’s all new again. My current gf thinks I must still have feelings for my ex, she doesn’t seem to understand the hurt these new findings have caused. Am I overreacting to something that happened so long ago?

 

On top of all this new stuff if I keep my same circle of friends I am going to jeep seeing her, and now with their new openness I will have to listen to stories of their escapades. That’s not something anyone wants to hear from an ex but given that I now know it was also happening while we were together it adds a whole lot more of hurt.

 

What I thought was just a failed relationship from two genuine people that cared for each other now turns out to be the worlds biggest con job. And now the hurt just keeps on coming having to relive and reinterpret what really happened. And now I need to reorganize my life so that we don’t end up at the same places so I don’t need to hear what to me feels like bragging about her “awesome” life.

 

I’ve gone from sharing the blame in a failed relationship to hating her pretty quickly. Now I have to work through the “break-up” all over again.

 

Thanks for reading.

[harvej]

Con men and women if they are good at it, can fool anybody. This is not your fault and you need to protect yourself and your current girlfriend from this filth. These selfish narcassist and sociopaths

,chose this road and are just fishing for others to join them in their Cess pool. That's why swingers come out. It's trolling for more swingers. I would protect yourself and cut anybody that is still friends with them, out of your life, because they condone this behavior. If they were friends, they would also drop these sex toilets out of their life. What you can do is, sit with your girlfriend and write an email that covers what happened like this posting, and why you don't condone relationship arsonist returning to the scene of their crime and exploiting their transgressions, with mutual friends. Explain to them that you cannot in good conscience, remain friends with anybody that believes what they were doing during your marriage, wasn't wrong. Not standing behind you and culling these freaks from the circle of friends, means that you must limit your exposure to these fools by limiting your exposure to mutual friends, and you must move on with or without them in your life. Then you will see who your true friends are ,and your girlfriend can help you heal as a couple and put this new information to rest and move on.

Edited July 13, 2014 by harvej

[DazzaKezza]

I would protect yourself and cut anybody that is still friends with them, out of your life, because they condone this behavior.

 

I'm not sure I would be comfortable losing all my friends because they remain friends with her.

 

They are not all condoning it as you suggest, some are downright against it. I guess they just have the view that it's their life and as long as they are not hurting anyone let them be.

 

I couldn't ask them to choose me or her, I don't think that would be fair.

[oldshirt]

You feelings are quite normal. This may have been 3 years ago but since you just found out, it might as well have happened yesterday.

 

 

I had a similar situation with an old GF when I found out she had done something similar many years before and we had been broken up and completely moved on for many years before I found out. The feelings are real and like all feelings, no one has the right to tell you that you shouldn't feel them.

 

 

As far as what to do about it - just do the normal things people do when they find out their spouse is/was cheating. ie take care of yourself, immerse yourself in other healthy activities like hobbies, friends, family etc.

 

 

Do the 180 and go NC with her and only have anything to do with her if it involves legal matters of the kids (which I see no mention of children)

 

 

You will go through the same shock and grief process as everyone else who finds out there spouse was cheating but in your case it will be a much shorter and more streamlined version since you have already moved on.

 

 

This will end up just being more of a bump in the road for you rather than any kind of major life change and adjustment. It hurts now but will rapidly heal.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure I would be comfortable losing all my friends because they remain friends with her.

 

They are not all condoning it as you suggest, some are downright against it. I guess they just have the view that it's their life and as long as they are not hurting anyone let them be.

 

I couldn't ask them to choose me or her, I don't think that would be fair.

 

I think this is a pretty healthy way to look at it actually.

 

 

From the way you have written it, it sounds like they established their little harem in secret between the three of them and kept it tucked away within the secret world of the swinging community and just "came out" recently.

 

 

That is a far cry different than mutual friends knowing about it as the affair was developing and then keeping it hidden from you like some kind of conspiracy.

 

 

and as a swinger myself (NOT OPEN OR "OUT" !) I can attest that the general public is much more forgiving and understanding and tolerant of cheating that it is of swinging.

 

 

I can understand you not wanting to hang out with your ex and have it in your face, but I see no reason to dump friends that were not involved in any way, shape of form.

 

 

This is not a situation like when someone's friends and neighbors and coworkers all knew the affair was going on but kept it under wraps.

[oldshirt]

Con men and women if they are good at it, can fool anybody. This is not your fault and you need to protect yourself and your current girlfriend from this filth. These selfish narcassist and sociopaths

,chose this road and are just fishing for others to join them in their Cess pool. That's why swingers come out. It's trolling for more swingers. I would protect yourself and cut anybody that is still friends with them, out of your life, because they condone this behavior. If they were friends, they would also drop these sex toilets out of their life. What you can do is, sit with your girlfriend and write an email that covers what happened like this posting, and why you don't condone relationship arsonist returning to the scene of their crime and exploiting their transgressions, with mutual friends. Explain to them that you cannot in good conscience, remain friends with anybody that believes what they were doing during your marriage, wasn't wrong. Not standing behind you and culling these freaks from the circle of friends, means that you must limit your exposure to these fools by limiting your exposure to mutual friends, and you must move on with or without them in your life. Then you will see who your true friends are ,and your girlfriend can help you heal as a couple and put this new information to rest and move on.

 

 

 

Very judgemental and simply inaccurate. Swingers do not 'come out' to troll for more swingers. There are many much more effective and less risky venues for swingers to meet than to come out.

 

 

Swingers come out for the same reasons gays/lesbians/ transgendered etc etc do. It's because for a number of swingers, it's just who and what they are and becomes harder and takes more of a toll on them to keep hidden in the closet than it does to just live their lives as who they are.

 

 

And coming out does come at a high price as this post above proves. The general public often judge swingers harsher and with more judgement and condemnation than they do cheaters and homosexuals and transgendered etc.

 

 

There are swingers that feel as though they are a different orientation in general than monogamists and hiding their sexuality is akin to a homosexual living in the closet. And like with the gays, many people want them to be shamed and want them to be locked up in the closet if not cast off island altogether.

[oldshirt]

....I just want to add a side note here for a second and this is not directed at Dazz at all but rather to anyone else that is getting that feeling in their gut that something is starting to feel fishy.

 

 

This won't change any outcomes for this situation, but this is why many of us here always harp on people doing their own investigation with due diligence.

 

 

Even if someone is caught redhanded with their hand in the cookie jar, it's important to dig through the layers and find out how deep the affair goes and if it is still ongoing or not.

 

 

If someone is going to counseling and saying they are "working on it" but the affair is still ongoing, the time and energy spent trying to reconcile is all going for naught.

 

 

I don't want to speak for Dazz and don't want to put words in his mouth, but I'm willing to bet if he had known she was doing this, he would have cut his losses and walked away right then and there and saved a few bucks on counseling and would have started his new life a few months sooner.

 

 

He would have been more pissed at the time and it would have hurt more at that moment, but he would be completely healed and recovered today and wouldn't be going through this re-injury today.

 

 

I am not condemning Dazz in any way shape or form for not knowing the whole picture at the time because they worked hard to make sure no one knew of their little harem lifestyle at that time and who would have thunk it at the time. It's a hellofa lot easier to believe that some gal got picked up by some random dude in a bar one night that developing a polyamorous/swinging relationship with another couple so I am not pointing fingers at him at all.

 

 

But this just illustrates why it's important to find out what is really taking place and not just taking people at their word and believing what they are saying.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

On top of all this new stuff if I keep my same circle of friends I am going to jeep seeing her, and now with their new openness I will have to listen to stories of their escapades. That’s not something anyone wants to hear from an ex but given that I now know it was also happening while we were together it adds a whole lot more of hurt.

 

Has this actually happened or is this some nightmare scenario your mind is conjuring up?

 

 

 

 

What I thought was just a failed relationship from two genuine people that cared for each other now turns out to be the worlds biggest con job.

 

 

Dishonest to be sure, but I don't think that she never cared for you. As a swinger myself I think once she experienced that lifestyle, she knew it was for her and that no matter how good of a guy you were, she wouldn't be able to live a traditional married, monogamous lifestyle and she just tried to cut things as cleanly and without any extra bloodshed as best she could.

Did she handle it perfectly? No, but if we are going to set the bar at perfection, we are all going to come away disappointed. No matter how she would have broken this to you and no matter how she would have handled it, there would have been pain and disruption.

If she didn't care for you she would have simply came home one day and started packing her bags and said, "Jake and Nancy are better than you. I'm going to go live with them and hopefully screw some other people with them..." Or more than likely she would've just strung you along for YEARS and made you pay for her house and her car and the food on her table while she screwed them and gave you nothing. You would have been one of these guys on here whining and moaning that your wife has had headaches and hasn't had sex with you for two years and you are wondering how you can get her to have sexual feelings for you again.

She recognized she wasn't married, monogamy material and let you go on with your life with as little fuss and fanfare as possible. As counterintuitive and contradictory as that may seem, you have to care about some body in order to do that.

 

 

You do have just cause to be hurt and angry now since this is coming to light and fresh now. But just because she is living a lifestyle that is alien to you now, doesn't mean that she didn't have feelings for you and cared for you when she was originally walking down the aisle.

 

 

 

 

And now the hurt just keeps on coming having to relive and reinterpret what really happened. And now I need to reorganize my life so that we don’t end up at the same places so I don’t need to hear what to me feels like bragging about her “awesome” life.

 

 

What a lot of people interpret as someone bragging about an awesome life, is actually someone just accepting their own life instead of living in the dark closet of shame and despair that we want them to.

If she really is rubbing it in your face to hurt you, that is on her and she is an ass. If it's just that she is now comfortable with her lifestyle and not showing the shame that other people think she should, then that is kind of on them.

 

I’ve gone from sharing the blame in a failed relationship to hating her pretty quickly.

 

 

Hate is something that usually takes a bigger toll on the hater than the hatee. That is what the 180 is for. It's so that people can reclaim their own lives and recover and get on with their own lives more efficiently so they don't have to be poisoned by hate any more than necessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now I have to work through the “break-up” all over again.

 

Yeah you do in a way. But like I said earlier, it will be a lot faster and more efficient since you had already moved on. This may be a set back but it is certainly not an end of the road for anything in any way.

 

 

 

 

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A few responses to some specific points above

[No Limit]

Sorry but the only thing crossing my mind right now: THANKFULLY she's not your wife anymore.

[karnak]

To DazzaKezza

 

It's been a long time since I last posted here but I'd like to write a few words just to state that what you're feeling is perfectly mormal, and you don't have to feel sorry for yourself.

 

I suspect that what you're feeling now is quite terrible because, gradually you're starting to acknowledge the fact that your 9-year marriage was a fraud and a waste of time. It seems that your marriage didn't produce kids. At least, you can be grateful for that. You'd feel way more destroyed if your had to "sit and watch" your children be raised by a woman with such a lack of morals.

 

Oldshirt states quite some truths. Yet it seems that he's forgetting some points. One of them is that your wife was already cheating on you with a lesbian relationship before you were even married.

That just means she was stringing you along and that she was dishonest with you way before you were husband and wife. This just says a lot about her character, doesn't it?

 

Speaking as someone who was once terribly betrayed (so much in fact that I almost went to jail, because of that) the only thing I can say is that you must be gentle with yourself.

You were a victim. Your wife abused your confidence. And that, regardless of what others may think, is equal to being stabbed in the back.

 

Don't put any blame on yourself, DazzaKezza. Your ex-wife is the only to blame here. Speaking from experience, some people are just sick and rotten to their cores. The person who almost got me into jail still, to this day (it's been 5 years), claims to be innocent of anything. Yet I have solid evidence and witnesses of the contrary.

 

And you know why people such as your ex do the things they do? Because they think they won't get retribution from their actions.

 

Stay firm. Don't loose your confidence in humanity. Trust your girlfriend to give you support.

Yet don't deny any wrong that was done to you. State clearly that you were lied and cheated. In a dirty way.

 

And, if any of your friends, know about your grievances and yet side with your ex - then get rid of such "friends". In the end, siding with someone without morals only states that you lack a moral compass yourself.

Would you be friends with a criminal or a con artist? There you have it.

 

It's clear why you're feeling angry and sad. You've just discovered that you were living a lie. And nobody sane likes to be played and made fun of.

But just take some time browsing the LS forums and you'll se that we're living in a terrible society nowadays, where many men and women seem to have no problem in abusing each other.

 

Be strong and confident. As another user has stated, your ex is now out of your life. And I personalyy don't think it's good for you to mantain any sort of relationship with her, amicable or not. Your ex-wife is a liar and a betrayer. These kind of people are toxic. Their company will only bring problems to whoever is near them.

[GoBlue]

Hey friend - I am sorry to hear your story. I know that the pain of betrayal is very hard to overcome. I pray that your heart will find peace in the fact that your ex-wife made her choices and you made yours. You chose to be genuine and to give your marriage a real shot. She chose not to. This does not in anyway, however, diminish your value as a human being. My advice is to pursue a life of faith and let the love of God guide you in all things from this day forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[DazzaKezza]

Hey, thanks for all the replies.

 

Just to clear one thing up we do have children, 11yo twin girls. We have shared custody in probably its truest form with the girls spending equal time either with me or my ex (we only live 5 minutes from each other). We have always told them that we loved each other but could just never live together, I thought that to be true, obviously from what I know now I was very much mistaken.

 

It was interesting reading some of oldshirt's comments on swinging. I actually have no issue with swinging whatsoever, if that's peoples choice then who am I to judge? To be very honest I always knew my wife was bisexual, I just didn't know she was doing it behind my back. If she had of come to me and said she wanted a female lover I believe I would have said yes. In fact I sometimes encouraged her to explore that side of her as long as it was all out in the open and discussed. I take real offense though at the lies and deceit and the lengths she must have gone to to cover it all up when it could have been out in the open. They must have had a great laugh at my expense when I am encouraging it but they are actually already doing it and had been for years.

 

I doubt I would have ever walked the path of swinging myself but I am certainly not a prude when it comes to such things. This is not about sexual exploration though, I am all for that, this is about lies and betrayal and deceit and well the list could go on. I can never forgive her for that and that makes me sad and angry because the effects that has on our relationship will no doubt be picked up on by our kids. Hopefully I can suppress as best as possible.

 

My biggest issue right now (apart from my kids) is that my gf is not understanding at all. She feels that I am still holding on to things that should have been dealt with. I don't understand how she can't see that these are new things even thought they were as far away as 10ish years ago. I have asked her to come to counseling with me but she is very reluctant. I do appreciate that it must be tough for her, she met a man that was over any baggage (and I truly was) but now all of a sudden I am overloaded.

[oldshirt]

You have a right and valid reason to have anger and a thousand other emotions over what your wife did. It was very crappy of her. You have a right to your anger.

 

I can understand your GF' s concern to a little extent but I think she may be taking it a little too far and needs to understand that this is all new revelations to you. I do think you should be a little more a insistent on her attending a session or two of counseling with you.

 

If she is anything like my wife you could explain it untill you are blue in the face and she doesn't buy it but once else mentions it, it's gospel LOL

 

But seriously, a counselor would see this with Crystal clarity and would be able to explain it to her in terms that she would at least understand and accept even if she doesn't agree with it.

 

From her point of view, she would rather this ex not even exist and she would prefer that she could die and not have you even blink an eye or care in the slightest.

 

That is not realistic of course and she needs to have a little understanding. If she can't get it all, she's being a bit selfish and shallow.

[karnak]

 

But seriously, a counselor would see this with Crystal clarity and would be able to explain it to her in terms that she would at least understand and accept even if she doesn't agree with it.

 

From her point of view, she would rather this ex not even exist and she would prefer that she could die and not have you even blink an eye or care in the slightest.

 

That is not realistic of course and she needs to have a little understanding. If she can't get it all, she's being a bit selfish and shallow.

 

I didn't understand that you had children with your ex. I guess this complicates things even further.

It's a fact that a child has a character of his/her own and that the moral compass of a mother or father doesn't have to affect a children's growth.

Yet it probably must be confusing for a girl to grow up and acknowledge the thigs her mother has done. I'm not referring to the "swing thing" but rather to the extent of the lies and betrayal that your girl's mother inflicted upon you.

 

 

As Oldshirt stated your actual girlfriend must understand that your suffering is related to your issues and not to emotions concerning your ex. We all know that she's jealous of your ex-wife, yet she must understand the extent of the damage that was performed on you.

 

If she had been a victim of severe abuse or rape she would also have to deal with her issues, and you'd have to support her.

 

If you're attnding some sort of psychoterapy I too defend that she should join you in the sessions so that she can better understand your suffering.

 

Hang in there, mate. Even when I was an atheist I truly believed that quote from the Bible which states: "you shall see the truth, and the truth shall set you free". Many, many times this has proven right in my life (and several others).

 

Right now you're hurting because these discoveries are recent. But, almost out of the blue, this new knowledge will settle in your mind. And it will enable you to better understand some things that once seemed hazy and obscure.

And trust me, this knowledge will indeed make you stronger and better prepared for future challenges.

 

In fact, I suspect that these facts concerning your ex-wife will allow you to better discard the memories of your old marriage and to begin a new life in a more vigorous manner.

 

Hug

[bubbaganoosh]

 

My biggest issue right now (apart from my kids) is that my gf is not understanding at all. She feels that I am still holding on to things that should have been dealt with. I don't understand how she can't see that these are new things even thought they were as far away as 10ish years ago. I have asked her to come to counseling with me but she is very reluctant. I do appreciate that it must be tough for her, she met a man that was over any baggage (and I truly was) but now all of a sudden I am overloaded.

 

What your girlfriend doesn't understand is that even though you and your wife have been divorced/separated, this thing you just learned is band new to you and it's only natural for you to have anger because of what she did.

 

You need to sit her down and tell her to put herself in your shoes and ask her how she would feel if she just found out. Of course there's going to be anger and if she wouldn't feel the same, then she lying through her teeth.

 

Now on the other hand, you have to let your girlfriend know that there isn't any kind of feelings that you have with your ex. Your girlfriend right now is feeling like she may lose you and it's up to you to reassure her that your not going to do that.

 

The best way to do that is look at the situation and just be glad that your ex is gone and you don't have to worry about her running around behind your back any longer and you have someone who you can trust and be there for her. That's the most important thing.

 

Be glad she's gone and move on. You have someone in your life that cares for you so don't blow it. Answer her questions if she has any and let her know how much you care.

[Standard-Fare]

It's perfectly reasonable to feel angry and betrayed about all of this, but I think therapy would be a good place to fume about it.

 

Beyond expressing your initial shock and hurt to your current GF, this shouldn't be an ongoing subject of conversation with her. The fact that she's so concerned suggests that you've been openly dwelling on it in front of her. She could rightfully view this as you fixating on the past rather focusing on the present/future with her.

 

I don't think your GF should be expected to come to counseling WITH you to work out this issue. This is your personal history and baggage. You should let your girlfriend know that you need time to work through this stuff, and she should respect that you're damaged by it -- but you should also assure her that you'll try your best to not let it impact your relationship with her.

[aliveagain]

Stop socializing with her, change friends if necessary, limit your communication with her to issues that pertain to your children and most of that can be done via email. Don't allow your old relationship to ruin your new one. I know your pain as I too discovered my ex had a threesome with two bisexual men three months after our wedding, we were divorced when a mutual friend told me about it but it still hurt as if it just happened. What it did do is give me the truth about why our marriage failed and my decision to divorce her was the right decision.

[revelations]

DazzaKezza, Wow I am sorry to hear about all of this. However I have read, heard about and seen things like this in person and worse. The trouble is that women today are shielded by law from suffering the repercussions of their actions. I have had one wife and many ex-girlfriends that would cheat and often do things with their AP that they would refuse me both before and after. In some cases they would take joy out of me being upset at this (by the way this is known as a psychopath). Now mind you all women are not like this, however all women are encouraged to do this.

 

What you are feeling is normal, after all you were married to her. It is just that as time goes on you are finding out how much you have been disrespected. Now the trick is that you have to remember that you are no longer married to her and that she cannot continue to hurt you like this. The other thing that you need to do is to remember that you cannot protect yourself from something that you had no clue about. I say this because I know that my xWW cheating on me had me angry at myself for not doing more to protect myself. So take the lessons learned in the marriage and use them. Remember what the warning signs were and her actions and use that to prevent this from happening to you again. Truth is that you have no control over the actions of your girlfriend, wife or anyone except yourself.

 

If you would like you can read my rant here

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/475966-ww-s-some-damage-you-have-caused-rant

I actually chose to stay out of long term relationships and such. I did this mainly because I did not like what most women had to offer. I just got to the point were I had seen I was sacrificing my happiness for the company of a woman and it is just not worth it for me anymore. Now don't get me wrong, men cheat too, and some are just down right pigs. However those men will often pay a heavy price for being like that. What I have seen the women who cheat often do not pay a price, it is their husbands that pay the price. Thankfully I have figured out that I do not have to keep paying the price for the women that have been in my life.

 

Hopefully things will work out for you. Just cut yourself some slack and understand that you do not control your xWW. Understand that you do not have to live that way anymore. Yes your xWW may have had a good laugh at your expense. However the best revenge that you can get is to live your own life well. So heck your wife may have had a few threesomes while she was still married to you. However if you wanted to you can fly to Costa Rica and have a few threesomes with escorts down their for next to nothing and those escorts will be a lot better looking to boot. Like I said, treat yourself well, women like this hate that. Don't waste your time giving your xWW space in your head.

[harvej]

I wasn't suggesting that he dump friends who know, I would dump friends that knew. And as for those coming out, why do you think everybody else needs to know what you do sexually behind closed doors? I could care less who does what with whom, I just don't need to know your private lives and who and what you prefer to do sexually and with whom. It's a disorder to want me to know vs keeping it private. I am more interested in what you are doing for your community and in helping others, not whom and what you are engaged with sexually. And no matter how much you want to paint this as a choice, he was cheated on and betrayed by his wife and friends. So for clarity, keep those friends that was also hoodwinked and dump those who knew. Not getting involved is like closing your window to the screams of help when a crime is being made outside your window. Then coming back later saying I didn't want to get involved is weak. Had this poster took his life like my best friend did, you would had wished you could have done something.

[DazzaKezza]

You need to sit her down and tell her to put herself in your shoes and ask her how she would feel if she just found out.

 

Yeah, have done that. But she doesn't understand, she says she is totally over her ex and nothing she found out now would mean anything to her. I doubt that to be true but there is no way to test that claim.

 

Now on the other hand, you have to let your girlfriend know that there isn't any kind of feelings that you have with your ex.

 

Oh I do have feelings for her right now, utter hatred.

 

She was cheating from all the way back to before we married, in fact there was no time she wasn't cheating.

 

When we married we married "to the exclusion of all others", that was a total lie on her part. The marriage never really existed in it's true form. I want my money back, I want her to suffer.

 

Be glad she's gone and move on. You have someone in your life that cares for you so don't blow it. Answer her questions if she has any and let her know how much you care.

 

I do let my gf know how special she is all the time. She tells me it's in the past, forget about it, you're better off without her. I know she's right, I know the people here are right but I just can't turn the hurt off like a light switch.

[karnak]

 

Oh I do have feelings for her right now, utter hatred.

 

She was cheating from all the way back to before we married, in fact there was no time she wasn't cheating.

 

When we married we married "to the exclusion of all others", that was a total lie on her part. The marriage never really existed in it's true form. I want my money back, I want her to suffer.

.

 

Man, please! Free yourself from these thoughts of anger and hatred!

 

You know why? Because you're the one who's suffering with this, not her. While you're consuming yourself and destroying your current relationship, your ex is happy being banged by multiple guys and girls and indulging in God-knows-what other sort of decadent activities.

 

Stop it! Regardless of how much you want her to suffer, it's you who's suffering right now.

I understand that you want revenge from all the suffering and the time you wasted with this woman. But you really, really want revenge?

 

Then ENJOY LIFE! Forget your slutty wife and the imbecile friends that tolerate her. Get rid of them all and focus on yourself and your happiness.

 

Trust me. I know exactly how it feels to be wronged and see the wrong-doers go unpunished. But time moves on. And I want to live long enough to see those who deed me wrong pay for their actions. And I know they will. But first I must take care of myself.

I must be healthy in body and mind in order to take profit of this life and better enjoy when justice is made. If you let yourself be miserable and destroy yourself and your happiness what good will it bring you?

 

If your ex-wife got kicked by the comunity and labeled as a whore by everyone, would it make you feel better?

And if you were sick with cancer or half-crazy due to a mental breakdown would you be in a condition to taste the fact that your wife was denounced as the lying, lack-of-character woman that she is?

 

Focus on yourself, man! You have a girlfriend. You have two kids. You're not a slave of your ex-wife. You don't depend on her for nothing. Your life is that which you decide to do for yourself.

 

Let time flow and be good to you.

 

Don't "choose your ex". Choose yourself.