He decided he wants me and the kids...why cant he leave HER alone already?

[Cloudy]

Well I guess I can start with the fact that my common law husband and I have been separated for 3 weeks now. He left because he didn't feel anything anymore and I was still so in love. He also had felt like he had fallen in love with a woman who he had met 3 days before leaving me.

 

After 2 weeks, he actually spent a day with out her and spent time by himself to think and realized that Ultimately he wanted to be happy with me and our 3 kids. That next day he asked me back and we made love.

 

We're only 23yrs old and the other woman is 25 with 3 kids of her own. Problem is that he still felt strongly for her and she hasn't done anything "wrong" to him so he couldn't just drop her like a fly. He told me he wanted me back and I accepted. BUT he hasn't moved back in on this 3rd week because he is still seeing her even though he told her he wants to be with me. She is sooooooo in love with him so I know she is still after him and wanting to see him...and the fact that he's not over her makes him give in to her.

 

I can't understand why he can't just let her go. He knows I know everything currently going on between them and he still tells me that me and the boys(kids) are who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I asked if he just needed to get her out of his system and he said no...that's not even it....that he just cant see himself completely not talking to her. I

 

love him and obviously he wants to be with me and our kids...he said he really KNOWS that I can make him happy....but he just is so drawn to this other woman. He talked about moving back this weekend but I cant have him move back in if he's still going to see her. Has anyone gone through this? Can he really give her up but just cant percieve it right now? Or am I just kidding myself? He just seems to be so sure that he want's me and the kids but can't stop talking to her and going out with her. I know he really cares for her...but he's being difficult...he doesnt' want to wind it down with her. Should I talk to her to see what he's telling her...maybe he's leading her on becuase he's confused. Maybe she'll back off...but if she really loves him she wont. any comments?

[Merin]

Cloudy, Let me translate what it means when he says he CAN'T stop talking to her, seeing her ect. the translations is WON'T and DOESN'T WANT TO.

 

You know it really pisses me off here that he is telling you that he knows YOU can make HIM happy.... OMG! What? If he wants to give you a chance to make him happy? This isn't okay!

 

How about HIM? Think HE can make YOU happy? He has and is being given a chance to do that... and from where I'm sitting it doesn't look like he is doing a very good job at that.

 

Seriously there isn't any telling in what he may tell this other girl.... could be anything (and my guess is, it's a lot like what he tells you regarding her)

 

So what to do now.... well stick to your beliefs girl. IF he WON'T or DOESN'T want to stop talking to, and seeing this other girl, then let him know that you CAN'T and WON'T be his back~up plan and act accordingly.

[Cloudy]

Merin 2--

 

I know what you're saying I really do, and the sad thing is that yes, he does make me happy...just not right now of course. We were best friends in highschool and we took it further so we are TOTALLY compatable in almost everything, music, movies, food, dogs,...everything. Its hard to find someone you're so compatable with and he doesn't realize that. I know that if it goes on, I will snap out of it and become frustrated. I'm just not there yet.

 

I just found out that the girl went off on him over the phone because she wanted to do something tonight and he said he didn't think he could because of how confused he's been feeling.....WELL she had a fit and told him everything a normal person would say--(I had a life before you...I don't need you...I don't need this...etc.) And via a mutual friend I found out all this plus how he thinks that this is the screw up he had been waiting for from this girl....He was previously in a fantasy world thinking that it was possible for a relationship to have an everlasting "honey moon phase" that you have in the beginning of relationships. That was his main reason for leaving me for her...to see if he could have that with her. I and everyone told him that one day she would do something "unperfect" and he would see that things can't always be perfect. He was just so fixed on the "movie love" that seems so perfect. So he finally realized that he was just waiting for her to screw up so that he can have complete assurance that love can't be perfect. Hopefully this is it for him. Either way, if he tells me its over with them(again) I'm not gonna stand for the whole "need to be friends with her" bit. I know we'll always have problems if he's in contact with her. If it's going to end with her, He has to be the one to do it. He's so mentally screwed up right now it's unreal. I really feel bad for him, it must suck to be in limbo all the time.

[SoleMate]

Both of you 23 years old.

 

Three kids.

 

Not married.

 

Man wants "movie love" and thinks he can have it all.

 

I just don't know what to say.

 

Whatever else you do, do me a favor and don't have sex with him again until he gives up the other woman TOTALLY and comes back home to you. WITH his STD test results in hand.

 

And is it time to consider a vasectomy for him? I vote yes.

[Merin]

"I really feel bad for him, it must suck to be in limbo all the time."

 

What?! YOU feel really bad for HIM?

 

Good God, for real?

 

Holy Crap, I feel really bad for you that you feel so bad for him!

 

He isn't stuck in limbo, this was and is a CHOICE he's made, and wow it really seems like you're pretty supportive of his CHOICE to do this to you....

[oannamarie]

I am currently going through the same thing but I am on the other side (like your husband). I cant quit the other guy because deep down inside I really want him. I stay for the children. I care about my husband but I honestly dont think I love him. I think your husband may be feeling the same way. Maybe he doesnt want to loose you as a friend.

[Cloudy]

Holy crap...lots of insight and I really feel like an idiot now...and I probably am. Its just that I don't work in the typical way most people do. I guess you can say that my being so understanding isn't me being naive and stupid...its more like a strategy that works well on him.

 

Well on an update, he has completely broken it off with her (supposedly) and I've already told him that I can't live with him being in contact with her because it's bull=s**t. I verbally told him the other night and he said he didn't know what to do or say at the moment...and I know it's because men or anyone don't like being told what to do. So I said he could tell me about it later. He told our mutual friend that he's been trying to argue more with the girl so that she can be tired of him and things can die slowly and that his "plan" was working. (why he doesnt' tell ME for at least comfort, is beyond me) I recently e-mailed him at work that he needs to let me know now what and how he plans to end it COMPLETELY with her....(currently they still e-mail and she calls him at work).

 

More shocking news...she got a tatoo of his initial...OMG!!! who does that after only knowing him for 2-3weeks?!!!! That was the last time he saw her...(he didn't believe her and went to see for himself) i know it was an excuse. By then he had told her that it was over for sure because he was moving back in with me. Now that he's back I have a close eye on him but I can't monitor him at work...which is why I asked him to let me know what his plans are or whats going on because I'm assuming they're still in close contact during working hours. (not that they work together) I'm anxious to see how he reacted to my e-mail on what I want from him and whether or not he's going to let her go for our sake. Oh, and he was home free because he was all moved out and I was still being friendly to him so Him not wanting to lose me as a friend is not it. He made a choice between staying away for her or coming back to me and he chose me. I know he didn't do it for the kids because he had already introduced the kids to her 3 times to see how they got along...he was really looking at her long term and then just realized that he ultimately wanted me.

[SoleMate]

He told our mutual friend that he's been trying to argue more with the girl so that she can be tired of him and things can die slowly

What you've got there is not a MAN...but an overgrown boy with excessive sex drive. That is the LAMEST affair-ending plan I have EVER heard. Is he not able to make a decision to be done with her, and then carry it out, the same day?

 

Once again, I stand speechless and unable to type further.

[Just Visiting]

This man sounds like a weasel. He can sure start things but hides when it comes time to end it. Tread carefully with this one.

[Cloudy]

Well it's been a while and so much has happened. He didn't stop talking to her afterall and when he moved back in with he was still visiting her and talking to her for a week. Of course I was oblivious to all this because he had told me it was all over all I had were suspicions and uneasy feelings. We went away that weekend just the two of us and when we came back on sunday, I got a chance to read his e-mails because he hadn't logged off (idiot). And that's how I found out everything, and how they had even made plans to see eachother on pre-set dates that were months from now. When I read all the e-mails from the past two weeks I logged off and confronted him.

 

I wasn't hostile, I was just so hurt and wanted an explanation. I lectured him on how he was being a typical a**hole and that he was no longer the special exception that he had always been so proud of being. I just went on and on about how he needs to grow up, be a man and make a decision. I congratulated him on becoming a regular bastard like most of the other men on this planet...he was no longer one of a kind. He couldn't even face me as I was talking because he was just so ashamed...he was actually tearing up which is something I'd never seen him do. I told him I was tired of it and that he needed to choose what he wanted that moment.

 

He told me that he wanted me so much and that he loved me but he didn't understand why he was so drawn to this girl. I told him if he wanted me then he needed to suck it up and end it with her and never ever ever contact her again. The following Monday he told me he verbally talked to her and she was furious. And judging from her e-mails she knew EXACTLY what situation she was in...she didn't mind being the other woman. So she hung up on him and e-mailed him another furious cursing letter. This really solidified his decision because he's not used to girls bitching him out because I've never EVER bitched him out ...seriously EVER!

 

So things are great and we're both on cloud 9...he wasn't cold and weird like before and he even stopped going to the gym and he was soooooooo lovey dovey like he used to be in highschool. He had blocked her e-mail address and didn't want anything to do with her again.

 

So it had only been a week that he was like that and then he gets in a motorcycle accident! This whole time he was doing some MAJOR weight loss so he was becoming really cocky about himself and it was annoying. And he's very handsome and you could tell he knew it. Well this accident busted him up. He wasn't wearing a helmet and his four front teeth got knocked out. On top of that, his face is all scraped and stitched up (nothing permanent but looks really really AWFUL). And of course he has the typical road rash all over his body. But Oh Boy!!!! Him messing up his face humbled him A LOT!!!! Talk about a blessing in disguise. And of course I spent the whole week in the hospital taking care of him day and night (he couldn't walk for 4 days or feed himself) and it really made him appreciate me....he was constantly telling me that he loved me and that he was thankful that after everything he'd put me through I was still there for him 100%. Now its been four days out of the hospital and he's still as loving as before. At the same time I didn't let him forget that everything else is still fresh and I'm still hurting. But he's recovering very quickly and he's still making it up to me.

 

I know its all very fresh and that he may go back to being a jerk but I'm not going to sit around waiting for that to happen. If it happens then it happens and it's over...I'm not dealing with that anymore. I'm not a stupid little girl, I just know that he really is a good person who lost himself for a moment. Everyone wonders and is tempted to see if it would be better with this person or that person. I did it when I was younger so I know exactly what he was going through...You become greedy and you don't really realize what you already have until you almost lose it completely. Then you forever appreciate the other person and how much they love you. I will say one thing....I can't and won't do this again...and he KNOWS that.

[saraswati]

I was once the recipient of my partner going to another woman, and once the other woman. Both times, it was the man who led me on, and deceived me into believing everything was okay. Not, I'm older and wiser, and I know that this type of behavoir is a sign of trouble in the pre-existing relationship....deep trouble.

Forgiveness may be possible, and with children involved, it often seems necessary. I've been there.Please... Seek counseling together, or face the realities that your relationship will always be skirting the issues of distrust and deceit!It helped me enormously, but he never took it seriously.

Ultimately, I took my children out of that world, choosing peace and solitude over constant conflict and suppression of my true spirit. It has been seven years of being a single-mother. I've had lovers and boyfriends since then that have treated me so much better, and I've learned to love without fear of being alone. My children have benefitted most from this!They are the ones that deserve the best life possible....and so do you!

[ChickenJane]

You might want to work on your own self esteem issues. You say how very good looking he is and it sounds like you don't feel like your "good enough". I once thought that too. But you know what? I was and so are you.

[Cloudy]

Well I'm okay for now as far as distrust in him, and I was warned by many that It would be a lot of work to trust him again and it already has been. Of course I've become a little insecure but who doesn't when they've been dumped. I just keep telling myself that he could have stayed with her if he really really wanted her...I mean he left me for her so why not stick it out with her. It's taking some time but I'm just soaking in the way he's treating me and trying not to make myself crazy by thinking he has a double agenda. I just want to be happy the way he seemed so happy when he was with her but I keep forgetting that it's just a phase when you're dating someone those first few weeks. We're 7yrs. past the dating stage and our happiness is a different kind of happiness right? I know he'll never forget her, but as long as he knows who it is he really loves (me) then that's what matters. Like I said before...if he slips back her way or any other womans way, I'm done....it will just prove to me that he is a weasle who hasn't grown up and can't be committed.

 

I've heard from one of his friends that he has something really big planned for me, and the only thing big that he hasn't done after 7yrs and 3 kids is propose to me. But after 7yrs, I finally gave up on that dream and don't even bother getting my hopes up anymore. He used to tell me that it would happen and it would happen, and it never did. So thats why I know its all just talk to shut me up, until he does propose and does marry me. So yes, a proposal of marriage would mean that he's really back in love with me and really does want me. At the same time I won't say yes to him unless I've seen that things have been good and that he's been a good man too. The last thing I want is to later on go through an actual divorce.

 

So far so very very good...it's been a month since the last time I wrote (above) and he's still been lovey dovey and reassuring me that I'm the love of his life and that he just got off track. Oh and I don't really have self esteem issues anymore...ODDLY those went away when he had left me...I think I was so mad at him that I started telling myself that I was too good for him anyway and that I could do much better. Lucky for me it wasn't the other way around where my self esteem would be shot to hell.