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15 years together, 2 kids, she loves me but says it's over


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I am a 39 year old guy from Denmark, Europe.

 

We met when she was 21 and I was 24. I was still a virgin and she had only had a few sexual partners in short relationships. I was studying for my masters in computer science and she was in a temporary job, wanting to study for a psychology masters.

 

It was so wonderful and amazing for both of us to find each other (as I guess it is for all couples). We both had our baggage from childhood, and had had a hard time finding someone to share life with and to love. We both felt that we had found our soulmate. She told me that after the first night that we talked (at a party), she said to her best friend on the way home that she had found the man that she wanted to spend her life with and to have children with. But it was still a couple of months before we became a couple. I was a bit dense and shy, and she had to do a lot of the work getting us together. She seduced me, not the other way around.

 

Then followed amazing years of being so in love, but problems also began to emerge very early on at the same time. Our fundamental, now year old, conflicts began to emerge. I felt she was distant and that she was always turning away from me and out into the world, to other places, other men etc. The grass was always greener somewhere else. On the other hand, she felt I was too shy and full of anxiety and she wanted me to seduce her more, to be more assertive. We didn’t say it like this at the time, unfortunately. It took many years. The first many years, it just came out as frustrations and accusations.

 

It was our baggage from childhood clashing. I had anxiety in certain situations and had never been good at asserting myself or seducing women. She had had a dad that wasn’t sensitive to who she was, she felt that he thought she was fat and he was bad at seeing her and loving her for her and accepting her, especially if she was being “difficult”. She wanted him to be the adult that was strong enough to love her and to have room for her, even if she was being “difficult”. Now, in her adult years, she wanted me to to do the same. To really be confident and secure and persistent, even if she was rejecting me and turning away from me. When she met me, she thought I was confident and secure and that I could seduce her even if she kept rejecting me. Then she found out I was a virgin and apart from seeming confident and being playful and intelligent, I was also anxious and shy.

 

We didn’t understand all this at the time, and it wasn’t the only thing at work. Above all, there was a lot of love and attraction, as with all couples being in love. And she still chose to be with me, even if she very early on had a conscious realization that I was not the man she had first imagined.

 

We had six good years growing closer, of course with ups and downs. Then our life changed when we had our first child, a lovely daughter and at the same time I finished my master’s and began working full time. We also moved from the city to the suburbs. It was a hard time, suddenly it wasn’t just the two of us. And there was a lot more work and duties and responsibility and a lot less time. It was all part becoming responsible adults, of course. I was tired coming home from work and she was at home with our daughter and still studying for her masters.

 

When our daughter was two years old, she told me that it was too difficult and she wanted to break up. This was 7 years ago. We argued and cried and talked it out in a couple of days, and she was willing to give it another chance. We had couples therapy and tried changing some things. We moved back to our old area in the city. I got a new job. Things were moving forward for a while. Then a year after the first mini-breakup, she wanted to break up again. We argued and cried and talked it out again, and agreed to give it another chance. But she wanted me to move out, she wanted us to live apart for a while and give each other space. But not see other people. Things were slowly getting better again and after a year of living apart, but being together most of the time anyway, she and our daughter moved in with me again. This was 5 years ago. Things were slowly getting better and after a while, despite of earlier difficulties, we decided to have another child. Three years ago we had another lovely daughter. A year later, she finished her masters. I was looking forward to us finally beginning our real adults lives with a better economy and being more established and living in a better home and so on.

 

Things were going well. Then after me staying at home for three months taking care of our youngest daughter, the day before I started at work again, she told me that she wanted to break up. It was hell. Then after about a month of arguing, crying and talking it out, she said that she regretted and that she couldn’t live without me. This was two years ago. We started couples therapy again and have been going ever since, every third week. We both felt things were moving forward. Then in late 2013 I got mono and was quite ill for a month. It put everything to a halt, we had to cancel a couples therapy session and also I think she felt that she had to do everything herself in that month. When she went to a christmas party at her work, she flirted with a guy that she has a crush on. This has happened a lot of times before. She has never cheated on me all the way, but she has periods with crushes on other men, fantasizing about being seduced by a confident and persistent man. And at the same time, I feel, punishing me when I tried to do the same thing, halting every attempt at sexual tension. Wanting me to just love her and take care of her.

 

In the beginning of January 2014 after our first couples therapy session in a couple of months, she told me that she wanted to break up. This time, she didn’t end up giving it another chance. She moved out with our daughters to a place only a mile from here. I got her to agree to more couples therapy and see if we could work it out in nine months, but she didn’t promise anything. I felt things were moving forward, and she did too, but she still wasn’t promising anything. We were still spending a lot of time together and even slept close together many nights (no sex, only spooning). She said it there was still a long way to go. And above all, she wanted space. And freedom. She wanted to be set free, she told me. She wanted me to be able to set her free. To be strong enough to set her free, to let her have sex with other men. I said I wanted her to feel as free as possible and give her space, but my boundary was at sex with other men.

Then two days ago, I found out she had been googling the guy at work that she has a crush on, facebook pictures, his address and so on. I know I shouldn’t look in her private stuff, it was wrong and I apologized. But I also felt that she shouldn’t do this, she should respect me and our relationship and the work we were trying to do in couples therapy. She says that she keeps fantasizing about other men and that she don’t think it will stop while she’s with me, because she needs something she isn’t getting. My view (and the couple therapists view) is that it is possible to work on this. That we can work on our sex life and I know I can work on being less shy and anxious and more confident and assertive and persistent.

 

She then told me yesterday that she didn’t want to continue working on our relationship. She wanted to be set free. She says she loves me and that she still have a longing inside of her towards me or the version of me that she dreams about. But she is tired and don’t want to work on it anymore, she wants to be set free. She don’t want me to pry in her private thoughts and be jealous that she has crushes on other men. She wants to have sex with other men. It’s over for good. She says that maybe in one or ten years after she has had sex with other men and I have developed to be more confident, who knows what will happen, and that’s that.

 

I am afraid of ending up bitter and focusing on all the negatives, so I chose to be as strong and as positive as I could. I cried and told her that it was important for me to emphasize that I didn’t agree with her that it had to end and that I thought we had a lot of options and potential for growth and development together. But that I was setting her free. That if she had to stop, had to have space, had to have sex with others despite of everything we have and have tried, that I loved her and wanted her to be happy and I didn’t want to stand in the way of her happiness and that I hoped that she found what she was looking for. I also told her that I couldn’t say that she could always come back. That I felt that what she was doing was probably irreversible and destructive to our relationship. And that the most important thing to me was that we did the best we could for our daughters. That I didn’t want to be trapped in bitterness even though I disagreed with her about her decision.

 

I also asked her to show me the respect and care I deserved and wait with having sex with or seeing other men until I felt better. She agreed to wait at least three months and she will probably wait longer if I ask her.

 

Now, I have read the http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome and I think it certainly applies to her.

I have also read the posts about No Contact and Limited Contact, with children involved and so on.

 

Apart from all the raging feelings inside of me, I have a couple of questions:

 

- I still haven’t set her totally free in the sense that she is waiting to have sex until a later time. On one hand, it seems like a good idea for me to get better before this happens. But I can’t help thinking that I am just postponing the pain. Should I tell her that she can just do whatever she wants? Assuming she is willing to cooperate and she wants this to be as gentle for me as possible, what is the best she or we can do? Is there such a thing as a more gentle breakup? She also has asked me if I want her to tell me, warn me, when she begins to see other men or if I don’t want to know. I don’t know what to say to this.

 

- She also wrote yesterday that she had been thinking a lot about me and about our time together. And that she wanted to take care of me as well as she could in this situation, but that she didn’t know what she could do. But that she was thinking a lot about me and how I was. And when I am ready, I can come visit her and the kids. Hugs and loving thoughts from me, she wrote and the end. I haven’t replied to her message yet.

 

- We still have kids so I can’t go No Contact. And I want to see the kids. I know that I am very welcome at her house, both to see her and to see the kids. And she wants me to come over. She wants to be friends and she of course wants me to see the kids and she wants this whole thing to be as easy and gentle on everyone. I don’t know what to do about this. I still want her back. And I don’t know if the best chance is to cooperate and be strong and great with the kids and to be as open to friendship with her as possible, to not start conflicts, to not deny her contact that I desperately want to. Or if the best chance is to deny her any contact except when I am seeing the kids at her place or if I am picking up the kids.

 

- The 9 year old daughter just wrote me two hours ago if I wanted to come over and take her and the 2 year old to the playground. It hurts me so much that I can’t just be there the way I could only a couple of days ago. I don’t know what to do. I want to see the kids. I miss them and love them. And they shouldn’t be punished for this situation. But I feel that if I go over there, then I am also agreeing to just being friends with my ex. As if I am not in hell right now. As if she hasn’t hurt me a lot.

 

- I still want her back but I also don’t wanna cling to false hope and bitterness. I don’t know what to do. I feel she still loves me, she says so herself. I feel we still have potential to make it better. I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes a big difference what I do in the next months. If I go limited contact or not. I wouldn’t be surprised if, after all she has said, she suddenly misses me after some time, now that I have set her free and if I do the right things, contact or limited contact or whatever.

 

What is really hard for me is that we have helped each other through many different phases of life and NOW was the time that she finally finished her masters and got a job and our kids are growing up. We were about to harvest the fruits of all the hard work of these phases of life. And we were about to get financially better after living primarily on my salary for many years. And then when she finishes her masters and get a job and things are getting easier with the kids, she wants to harvest all these fruits with someone else. And I still feel we love each other and we still have potential to make it right.

 

Please help me!

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My ex made it final yesterday and keeps calling and texting me to hear if I am alive and ok. I am trying to maintain NC but there are kids involved. I guess I will respond in some days and will see the kids. But I am afraid that I will push her further away by ignoring her calls and texts and that she will be mad at me for not letting her know that I am at least alive.

 

There is a lot of conflicting advice in here.

On the one hand, no contact. If I respond it is just so that she can feel better about herself. And no, I am not okay.

On the other hand, I am supposed to get strong and get on with my life and appear strong and non-needy and polite and business like.

 

So should I respond or not? And if yes, what do I respond?

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bubbaganoosh

Respond to her when it has something to do with the children. Anything else, I wouldn't.

 

If she wanted the divorce, then she got it and when you divorce, it means that you don't want to be with that person any longer so there is no reason for her to want to call and just talk for the sake of talking.

 

Let her know that you only want contact when it's about the kids and nothing more. What she's doing is not giving you a chance to heal and that isn't fair to you and I got a feeling she's doing it for a reason to keep you on a string. Cut the string and be done with it but you can only do that by making her understand it.

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When you have kids you can't be NC. Realistically how can you possibly look out for the best interests of your children if you don't talk to their parent. In cases like this, you have to keep it strictly business, low/limited contact LC.

 

Good luck.

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She is probably feeling horrible for ending things between you two.

 

I find it hilarious how magically after a breakup your ex always begins to "Care", meanwhile before they do it they push you away, treat you like dirt and want nothing to do with you.

 

I say give her what she wants - a divorce. Let her live with her decision...she lost her right to know what is going on with you the minute she said she no longer wants to be with you.

 

However, due to the fact you have kids, you will need to speak. Contact her when you would like to arrange to see the children. When you do speak with her, be very brief and straight to the point, don't let her have that whole "closure" talk. I would just tell her "I would appreciate if we only speak about the children" and arrange particular dates to see them.

 

Don't fight, don't beg and don't even bother trying to convince her to change her mind because she wont. By keeping NC you are actually pulling her in closer rather then further. Everytime you are around, it only pushes her further and further away...I know it sounds odd but its the truth. You need to regain your strength, pull yourself together and appear like you are perfectly fine and don't need her to check up on you. Be strong for your kids and keep looking out for yourself moving forward.

Edited by lauri
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Thanks for your answers.

 

I guess what I can't decide is this:

 

1) What is the best thing to do about her calling and texting if my top priority is getting her back?

 

2) What is the best thing to do about her calling and texting if my top priority is my own wellbeing and healing?

 

And are the two incompatible?

 

Also, if I my top priority is getting her back, is it then best to ignore her calls and texts until I am ready to see the kids?

Or is it better to respond with something short, appearing strong and unaffected, non-needy, getting on? Up until now I have been ignoring her, but I can't help thinking that it might seem to her that I am breaking down, that I am not strong, or that I need to punish her by not responding, which is also not strong.

 

This is so confusing.

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My ex (after 15 yeears, 2 kids) says she will wait with seeing other people for three months or maybe more, if it makes it easier for me.

 

At the same time, she has been asking me for the last months to set her free, that I get used to the idea of her having sex with others, to be so strong that I set her free.

 

I still want her back, and I feel that it might be possible, although she says it's not. There is a lot of love between us still. And I have an idea that it makes a difference what I do now. If I give her space.

 

My main question is this:

Is it a good idea, for _me_, to have her postpone sex with others?

Isn't it just postponing the pain and not setting her free?

Or does it make sense to make a gentle breakup and have an agreement that she does not have sex with others until I feel better and stronger, maybe until I have a new woman in my life?

Is the answer different depending on whether my priority is

a) to get her back

b) my own healing

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Thanks for your answers.

 

I guess what I can't decide is this:

 

1) What is the best thing to do about her calling and texting if my top priority is getting her back?

 

2) What is the best thing to do about her calling and texting if my top priority is my own wellbeing and healing?

 

And are the two incompatible?

 

Also, if I my top priority is getting her back, is it then best to ignore her calls and texts until I am ready to see the kids?

Or is it better to respond with something short, appearing strong and unaffected, non-needy, getting on? Up until now I have been ignoring her, but I can't help thinking that it might seem to her that I am breaking down, that I am not strong, or that I need to punish her by not responding, which is also not strong.

 

This is so confusing.

 

Do you want her back? I don't know your back story so I can't comment on whether that is a good idea or not but generally speaking... if you broke up then its usually for a reason. Maybe it's best to just forget about the idea of getting back with her?

 

Be careful not to ignore your children because of your conflicting feelings about her.

 

It IS NOT in your best interest to talk to her about anything other than the children if you want to heal. My ex tried the whole "we'll be friends" stuff too and it didn't work for me. It hurt like to hell for him to pretend that we could just carry on being friendly with each other when he had just ripped my heart out. He ended up not talking to me AT ALL which in turn meant that he is ignoring his son as well. That isn't good either.

 

It bothers me that she's suddenly "checking up on you" and wanting to know if you are ok. That isn't her concern anymore. She walked away, don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurt you. It will take time for you to get to a place where it doesn't break your heart to have contact with her. Just give it time.

 

If you want her to stop contacting you about things other than the children, then you might have to tell her that directly. Tell her you won't be responding to messages that have anything to do with anything other than the kids. Or you could just DO it if you don't feel comfortable telling her that directly. Eventually she'll figure out that you aren't going to talk to her about your personal business.

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FortunateSon

She sounds like she feels REALLY guilty about something. She is probably telling you that just to make you feel better. Based on up what you shared, if the right guy came along, she doesn't seem like she would hesitate to get involved with someone new. Start living for yourself, go as little contact as possible, it doesn't sound like she is coming back.

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Well. She still loves me. She still wants us to be friends. She still cares about how I feel. Not enough to stay with me, apparently, but enough to postpone sex with others if it makes it easier on me. I actually believe that, I know her.

 

And no, I don't understand either why we can't continue working on our relationship when we still love eachother and there is still a lot of caring etc.

 

Given that she is actually being honest and sincere and has the integrity and _will_ postpone sex with others when she promises it, is it a good idea for me to say yes to? Or should I just say "do whatever you want"?

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Don't believe her OP. I've read countless loveshack posts and even had a personal experience to know that once a woman wants to leave you, she will lie to you to try not to hurt you. In the end it only makes it worse. Whatever you know about her is completely irrelevant since the day she told you she wanted to break up.

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The fact that she has said she will not have sex with others yet shows that she is thinking of having sex with others. She may even have somebody in mind already for her to be talking of delaying having sex. Please just don't let her play this game with you for your own self-respect.

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Now she is writing:

 

Where the hell are you?? I am worried about you! Can't you just reply that you're alive?

 

I don't know what to respond. NC feels right at the moment. I don't have a problem with her knowing I am not dead. I am not doing this to punish her. But I don't know what to say to her. I guess I need time to figure everything out.

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Your W certainly seems checked out of the M due to being invested/interested in OTHER men through the years.

 

I get that you might be a shy introvert - but it doesn't mean you should allow any woman to treat you as their option.

 

She consistently does this. It's predictable. Why fight it? Divorce her. Be a father to your girls but no longer make HER YOUR PRIORITY.

 

She doesn't think ENOUGH of you - so think LESS of her!

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First what do you mean when you wrote she made it final? If you were married & are now legal divorced, you have no realistic opportunity to get her back. Miracles do happen. You could also win the lottery.

 

 

If you want her back you have to talk to her. If you ignore her, especially if kids are involved, you will alienate her & worse, them.

 

 

Take a deep breath, get your head together.

 

 

For now text back: I'm alive. Give me a day to get my head together & I'll call you tomorrow. We have to figure out a plan for the kids.

 

 

Tomorrow call her & talk -- calmly. Work out the issues you with kids. If you see a romantic opportunity make a plan to meet. If she's hostile & you have no hope of reconciliation, keep it strictly business about the kids, custody & child support. Make it clear to her that their well being is your primary concern but that she needs to respect you & not contact you if she doesn't want to get back together & work on the relationship. If she wanted out, it's incumbent upon her to let go.

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My ex (after 15 yeears, 2 kids) says she will wait with seeing other people for three months or maybe more, if it makes it easier for me.

 

A common lie. She's your ex now, take everything she says with a grain of salt on top. People always think they can ease a breakup but the only one who can do that is the dumpee.

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The fact that she has said she will not have sex with others yet shows that she is thinking of having sex with others. She may even have somebody in mind already for her to be talking of delaying having sex. Please just don't let her play this game with you for your own self-respect.

 

Ok, don't let her play this game. How do I do that? What do I say to her about her offer of waiting until I am better?

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Well I don't know if this will help you but I had a similar experience. Not the same thing as you are going through. My ex after break up was saying she would consider marrying me only after 3 or 4 years and she can't promise anything and she shouldn't be held responsible if we won't marry. It was clearly a way to make me feel better and string me along but after saying this she said the worst thing which I never expected.

 

She told me I can live my LIFE as I wish from now own... Stress the "live my life" several times I asked her what is it that she want to say. She said she will live her life as she wish since she is not in a relationship with me and she won't preserve her sex life. Which means she want to sleep with someone and it was the indirect way to say it. So I just asked her a straightforward question if she want to sleep with others? She pretended to be angry but that is what she meant she don't want to be held responsible for how bad I would feel if I find out about her sex life.

 

It hurts but I would say if a girl says she is done then that's it and your ex said she would postponed sex? come on what kind of an agreement is that? You should just leave her let her do whatever she wants and you stay focused on how to improve your life. If she was caring and loving you won't be here heart broken and asking for answers. So your heart break happened due to her just work on yourself and forget about her actions. It is tough kids are involved. Maybe focus whatever love you have got and give everything to the kids shift your attention entirely from her to the kids. I am not that experienced in life as you are but from my experiences pain goes away when you play with kids because they are innocent and loving.

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We were not married so we were not divorced. But we have been together for 15 years, 9 of them as a regular family with kids. You can read my story here, maybe a bit wordy:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/479345-15-years-together-2-kids-she-loves-me-but-says-s-over

 

I am not planning on never talking to her again. I have to, I want to see my kids and be their father. I am just not sure yet what the arrangement about the kids will be. And I don't want to talk to her before I am more composed and more sure of how I feel and what I want. If I talk to her now, I will probably either be too rejecting or the opposite. I know it is not fair to the kids that I don't respond to my ex's messages, but I didn't choose this situation. And I feel I am allowed to find my feet first. Besides, it feels good not having to deal with her bull****. At all. In any shape or form. Which I will have to if I talk to her right now, especially if we have to make plans about the kids.

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You do that by simply agreeing to the breakup unconditionally and do the strictest nc known to man. You go completely dead to her. And correction pls. She cares and loves you just like you care and love unknown orphaned children not like you will do anything for your child.

 

What she is saying is actually an insult to you. She can bloody well sleep with a million men if she wants. It is strictly her biz. Refuse to take good advise and like many others before you, you will regret.

 

Breaking up calm and cooly is actually bad in a way as it can mean she has passed the phase of being emotional over you and now she is logically dumping you. Very slim chance of getting back together

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Friskyone4u

OP, first I am sorry this has happened to you, but you have given no reason why she is leaving you so when a woman in long term marriage says she needs to leave or needs more space, there is another man in the picture somewhere in most cases I have ever heard of. She is either in an EA or PA. Woman do not just walk out on their kids for the hell of it.

What do you gain by the offer to wait for sex, as if it were true? You will be then sitting by the calendar crossing each day off knowing you are closer to the day.

You need to get your finances in order, seek therapy if you can afford it, and tell her she can best be helpful to you by giving you am honest and complete accounting and timeline as to what brought her to this decision. At least you will not be tormented of wondering why this **** storm hit you.

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Your W certainly seems checked out of the M due to being invested/interested in OTHER men through the years.

 

I get that you might be a shy introvert - but it doesn't mean you should allow any woman to treat you as their option.

 

She consistently does this. It's predictable. Why fight it? Divorce her. Be a father to your girls but no longer make HER YOUR PRIORITY.

 

She doesn't think ENOUGH of you - so think LESS of her!

 

Thanks for your answer. It makes sense. Except I didn't understand the "Your W certainly seems checked out of the M due to being invested/interested in OTHER men through the years.".

 

What does W and M mean here? Sorry, I am not a native English speaker.

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Ok, don't let her play this game. How do I do that? What do I say to her about her offer of waiting until I am better?

 

She is not offering to wait. She is playing a game. Tell her that she is either in to save your relationship or she is out. None of this half way stuff she is playing. Stop doing what she wants and start doing what you need to do for your own self-preservation.

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