I just want my wife back

[Afraidtoloseher]

Here's mytoldy:

 

So two weekends ago my wife told me that she wants space. She said that she loves me but is not in love with me. She had been texting a coworker for a while but it increased more and more and I asked her about it before and she just said they are friends and that they talk about work and they both like art so they talk about that and his wife because she is suffering through stage 4 brain cancer, he also has 2 kids.

 

Well after hearing this from her, a part of me got it because she had told me in the past that if I don't change certain things I will lose her. I should have taken it more seriously, I would work on those things for a couple weeks but revert back to the way I was again.

 

Well after she told me this, I got more suspicions about this other guy so, when she was sleeping I took her phone and read the text messages, for the most part it was work related and whatever, but then I read further and she admitted to him that she had feelings for him, it seemed like she kept trying to pursue it further and ended up saying that she's liked him since he started working there which was about a year ago, she apologized to him for saying that and crossing a boundary, he said don't apologize you're not crossings a boundary yet, it's all innocent. He also asked he had feelings for her to but wouldn't act on it because he's happily married and so is she. She said that she's not and she doesn't have a boundary, that she wishes she was with him instead of me and she doesn't want to be a home wrecker but she also wants to be.

 

Needless to say, I died on the inside, it was bad enough what she said, but then add on reading this stuff. I couldn't believe it, I've always trusted her and she has always been against that. Well I didn't know what to do, I called her mom and her friend and told them about it all. I had her friend call my wife. My wife got pissed off at me when she found out I was talking to them. I brought the other guy up and told her what I saw, she said yeah, we both agreed that we crossed line but wouldn't let it go further and that they are just friends.

 

I left after hearing the news to give her space and when checking her email I found one from this online divorce site where she had registered. I freaked out and came back home. We ended up having a really good talk and she explained her feelings toward me and the things that I neglected to fix in the past. She told me that it had been building up throughout the years and she finally cracked. We compromised on her not filing for a divorce and instead separating. The plan is for me to get an apartment for three months and reevaluate after that for her to see if she still wants to be with me.

 

Right now I'm having trouble finding a place quick and the more I stay around her the more I feel I'm pushing her away. I've tried to do things for her but that was a mistake, it just irritates her more. I told that I agreed about the stuff that I need to change, not just for her or us but mainly for me because I know I should have been a better husband and I want to be a better man. She doesn't think I can change in three months and I said I'll prove you wrong and she said we'll see.

 

Here's been her complaints: I don't listen to her, I'm not interested in what she wants to talk about, I have a controllive nature, I don't let her do her thing, lot of communication problems, I don't stick up for her, I rely on her too much, I'm selfish and don't think about her, another problem she complained about before but didn't mention this time was our sex life, I wasn't active enough in that regard, maybe once a week.

 

I tried to talk to her about texting this other guy and that she can't have time alone if she's constantly talking to him, but she gets pissed off about it. I made a comment about how I think he's playing a part on her decision but she denies that. She wants me to leave her alone. She said she would never cheat on me because she doesn't want to be that person (like her father and her brother). She also said she won't stop talking to him because she finally has a friend she can talk to.

[GorillaTheater]

She's having an affair, and this is an excellent thread to repost the following. Please read it carefully, and understand the new mindset you need to get into:

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[GorillaTheater]

As for your user name, lose the fear. Fear is only going to handicap you as you fight this battle. Fear will keep you looking for scraps of affection and "love" from your wife while she's all pre-occupied with thoughts of this douchebag boyfriend. Imagine the worse possible scenario that can happen, and realize that you WILL be able to handle it. It may not be your ideal, it might suck like a black hole, but you can deal with it.

[No Limit]

Your wife is in the affair fog, so nothing you say will change her mind and the more you try to get her back the more you push her away. Let her go, really.

She will either come back, or not. Many people loose themselves entirely in their affairs, but those cannot be saved, not by anybody but themselves.

 

Sorry that you lost your wife. But don't loose your life over it, it isn't worth it.

[GarrusVakarian]

Here's mytoldy:

 

So two weekends ago my wife told me that she wants space. She said that she loves me but is not in love with me. She had been texting a coworker for a while but it increased more and more and I asked her about it before and she just said they are friends and that they talk about work and they both like art so they talk about that and his wife because she is suffering through stage 4 brain cancer, he also has 2 kids.

 

Well after hearing this from her, a part of me got it because she had told me in the past that if I don't change certain things I will lose her. I should have taken it more seriously, I would work on those things for a couple weeks but revert back to the way I was again.

 

Well after she told me this, I got more suspicions about this other guy so, when she was sleeping I took her phone and read the text messages, for the most part it was work related and whatever, but then I read further and she admitted to him that she had feelings for him, it seemed like she kept trying to pursue it further and ended up saying that she's liked him since he started working there which was about a year ago, she apologized to him for saying that and crossing a boundary, he said don't apologize you're not crossings a boundary yet, it's all innocent. He also asked he had feelings for her to but wouldn't act on it because he's happily married and so is she. She said that she's not and she doesn't have a boundary, that she wishes she was with him instead of me and she doesn't want to be a home wrecker but she also wants to be.

 

Needless to say, I died on the inside, it was bad enough what she said, but then add on reading this stuff. I couldn't believe it, I've always trusted her and she has always been against that. Well I didn't know what to do, I called her mom and her friend and told them about it all. I had her friend call my wife. My wife got pissed off at me when she found out I was talking to them. I brought the other guy up and told her what I saw, she said yeah, we both agreed that we crossed line but wouldn't let it go further and that they are just friends.

 

I left after hearing the news to give her space and when checking her email I found one from this online divorce site where she had registered. I freaked out and came back home. We ended up having a really good talk and she explained her feelings toward me and the things that I neglected to fix in the past. She told me that it had been building up throughout the years and she finally cracked. We compromised on her not filing for a divorce and instead separating. The plan is for me to get an apartment for three months and reevaluate after that for her to see if she still wants to be with me.

 

Right now I'm having trouble finding a place quick and the more I stay around her the more I feel I'm pushing her away. I've tried to do things for her but that was a mistake, it just irritates her more. I told that I agreed about the stuff that I need to change, not just for her or us but mainly for me because I know I should have been a better husband and I want to be a better man. She doesn't think I can change in three months and I said I'll prove you wrong and she said we'll see.

 

Here's been her complaints: I don't listen to her, I'm not interested in what she wants to talk about, I have a controllive nature, I don't let her do her thing, lot of communication problems, I don't stick up for her, I rely on her too much, I'm selfish and don't think about her, another problem she complained about before but didn't mention this time was our sex life, I wasn't active enough in that regard, maybe once a week.

 

I tried to talk to her about texting this other guy and that she can't have time alone if she's constantly talking to him, but she gets pissed off about it. I made a comment about how I think he's playing a part on her decision but she denies that. She wants me to leave her alone. She said she would never cheat on me because she doesn't want to be that person (like her father and her brother). She also said she won't stop talking to him because she finally has a friend she can talk to.

 

Firstly mate, sorry about what you going through. I have been through this myself. My wife had an affair with a man 20 years older then herself. I was traded down for a man with erectile disfunction!. Has to use the blue pill!. Only married two years. But anyway. As what a lot of people have posted. If you want her back let her go. Let her discover her own mistakes. Chances are when reality dawns on her and it will!. Your be at a point where you have moved on and will tell her where to go. I know I will!.

 

My wife is now with this 50 year old fella. Good luck to them I say, I know it will end in tears. It takes time mate, it took me ages to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I know now 8 months down the line I will be ok. Its hurts like a bitch at the beginning. Its the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. But it has made me a better stronger person, I see my faults and I know never to make the same mistakes.

 

But as one other poster put. She is in the Affair fog. Look it up in google, will match your situation exactly, It did mine. Nothing you can do while she is in that state. Everything you say or do is totally counter productive and will only push her away. Let her live her fantasy, it will all come crashing down when reality sets in!.

 

Surround yourself with friends and family.

 

Listen to people on here, there is a lot of people who have been in same boat as you. There is a lot of good advice, some bad. Just remember, none of this is your fault.

 

Be strong, Karma will come.

Edited April 24, 2014 by GarrusVakarian

[Afraidtoloseher]

I believe her for the most part when she said she isn't doing anything physical with him. I couldn't see her doing that, she's so against it. I found an apartment but it's not available until may 5th.

 

Any other advice for me? Maybe some advice without her having sex with this guy, let's just pretend right now she's not, I'm not trying to deceive myself into thinking she's not, I'm just looking for other input because it's too easy to just say "she's cheating, leave her"

[hurts1968]

I believe her for the most part when she said she isn't doing anything physical with him. I couldn't see her doing that, she's so against it. I found an apartment but it's not available until may 5th.

 

Any other advice for me? Maybe some advice without her having sex with this guy, let's just pretend right now she's not, I'm not trying to deceive myself into thinking she's not, I'm just looking for other input because it's too easy to just say "she's cheating, leave her"

 

 

 

Friend, she's having an affair....lots of us have been in the same position, it will come out in the end!

 

It's so very hard and I feel for you....right at the moment you have no control, nothing you do will have any impact on the end result, she has the control.

 

There is no easy way round it, as you can see from the other replies it's going to hurt...lots, but with the help of your friends...family and the posters on here you will get through it!

 

Have a look at my thread.... My Story - End of my marriage

[Afraidtoloseher]

Another question that I keep asking myself is, should I contact this other guy?

[GorillaTheater]

I found an apartment but it's not available until may 5th.

 

Do have kids? If so, DO NOT move out until you've spoken to a lawyer. It'll set a precedent (which judges love because it makes their job alot easier) regarding possession of the home and most importantly custody. Even if you don't, hell, let her be the one who's inconvenienced by this, not you: let her be the one who moves.

 

 

Another question that I keep asking myself is, should I contact this other guy?

 

No point. Nothing productive will come of it.

 

But you know what would likely be very productive? Telling his wife.

 

But don't tell your wife or OM you're doing it. Just do it. Give her or at least make available any and all evidence you have.

[No Limit]

I believe her for the most part when she said she isn't doing anything physical with him. I couldn't see her doing that, she's so against it. I found an apartment but it's not available until may 5th.

 

Any other advice for me? Maybe some advice without her having sex with this guy, let's just pretend right now she's not, I'm not trying to deceive myself into thinking she's not, I'm just looking for other input because it's too easy to just say "she's cheating, leave her"

 

Denying it might be easier for you to handle it, but if you do, it won't be handled correctly. She IS having a physical affair with this other man, and right now she believes that he's the one and only she ever wants to be with.

 

Another question that I keep asking myself is, should I contact this other guy?

 

Don't. At best he'll go to the police because he's scared. At worst he's the type that brags about your wife and her "qualities" just to hurt you.

 

Take the apartment and leave her behind, and take everything he says with a grain of salt. You're not able to trust anything she says anymore.

[Radu]

Here's mytoldy:

 

So two weekends ago my wife told me that she wants space. She said that she loves me but is not in love with me. She had been texting a coworker for a while but it increased more and more and I asked her about it before and she just said they are friends and that they talk about work and they both like art so they talk about that and his wife because she is suffering through stage 4 brain cancer, he also has 2 kids.

Emotional Affair.

 

Well after hearing this from her, a part of me got it because she had told me in the past that if I don't change certain things I will lose her. I should have taken it more seriously, I would work on those things for a couple weeks but revert back to the way I was again.

State of the marriage is a split problem, each carrying their blame.

Blame for affair is 100% on the WS [wayward spouse].

 

Well after she told me this, I got more suspicions about this other guy so, when she was sleeping I took her phone and read the text messages, for the most part it was work related and whatever, but then I read further and she admitted to him that she had feelings for him, it seemed like she kept trying to pursue it further and ended up saying that she's liked him since he started working there which was about a year ago, she apologized to him for saying that and crossing a boundary, he said don't apologize you're not crossings a boundary yet, it's all innocent.

It's not all innocent.

They are feeling each other out at that point.

 

He also asked he had feelings for her to but wouldn't act on it because he's happily married and so is she. She said that she's not and she doesn't have a boundary, that she wishes she was with him instead of me and she doesn't want to be a home wrecker but she also wants to be.

The fact she doesn't have that boundary, is a big ****in' problem.

It's what would have made the difference between acting on it [writing it] and not acting on it.

 

Needless to say, I died on the inside, it was bad enough what she said, but then add on reading this stuff. I couldn't believe it, I've always trusted her and she has always been against that. Well I didn't know what to do, I called her mom and her friend and told them about it all. I had her friend call my wife.

It's a very passive-agressive bitchy-whiny thing you did.

Asking her friend to call her.

 

Not blowing the lid on it, but getting her friend to call her.

 

My wife got pissed off at me when she found out I was talking to them. I brought the other guy up and told her what I saw, she said yeah, we both agreed that we crossed line but wouldn't let it go further and that they are just friends.

Didn't she say she had no line to cross, no boundary ?

 

 

I left after hearing the news to give her space and when checking her email I found one from this online divorce site where she had registered. I freaked out and came back home. We ended up having a really good talk and she explained her feelings toward me and the things that I neglected to fix in the past. She told me that it had been building up throughout the years and she finally cracked.

When ppl crack they have options :

- get out of marriage clean and simple

- have affair

 

Cracking does not remove her responsability when it comes to this.

 

We compromised on her not filing for a divorce and instead separating. The plan is for me to get an apartment for three months and reevaluate after that for her to see if she still wants to be with me.

And this is where you stopped actually understanding your wife [in my opinion].

She wanted you out, to leave her current relationship and have the option of going for the new one without 'cheating' as she defines it.

By being separated, you have given her that.

 

Not that you actually could have done something about it, but you should see it for what it is ... her chance to play the role of his potential wife, explore that option, without feeling guilty.

 

Right now I'm having trouble finding a place quick and the more I stay around her the more I feel I'm pushing her away. I've tried to do things for her but that was a mistake, it just irritates her more.

The nicer you are with her at this stage, the more she will hate you because you are not letting her go cleanly [without remorse].

The worst you can do at this point is to continue to put her on a pedestal in a visible way, and to try to convince her to stay in this relationship.

 

The moment you will show indiference she will start taking you more seriously.

 

I told that I agreed about the stuff that I need to change, not just for her or us but mainly for me because I know I should have been a better husband and I want to be a better man. She doesn't think I can change in three months and I said I'll prove you wrong and she said we'll see.

Change what you want to change, but do not sweep her affair under the rug if you two get back together.

If you do, she will know she can get away with it, and worst ... you transform the whole situation into an ultimatum that worked.

 

Here's been her complaints: I don't listen to her, I'm not interested in what she wants to talk about, I have a controllive nature, I don't let her do her thing, lot of communication problems, I don't stick up for her, I rely on her too much, I'm selfish and don't think about her, another problem she complained about before but didn't mention this time was our sex life, I wasn't active enough in that regard, maybe once a week.

Can you give examples of each type of this behaviour ?

 

I tried to talk to her about texting this other guy and that she can't have time alone if she's constantly talking to him, but she gets pissed off about it.

Because you called her out on it, BRAVO !

It's the truth, but what she wants right now is not time alone, but time alone to pursue this possible relationship without cheating.

 

I made a comment about how I think he's playing a part on her decision but she denies that. She wants me to leave her alone. She said she would never cheat on me because she doesn't want to be that person (like her father and her brother). She also said she won't stop talking to him because she finally has a friend she can talk to.

She is already in the fog, and she is already cheating.

It will develop into a PA [probably], and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

The only play you have for winning at this point is to work on yourself and do your own thing for the next 3 months.

When [and if] you do get back together, you call her out on this bull**** she is dishing out.