Seperated. Ex not paying child support.

[tinam13]

I have a question. My husband, we were married for 15 years, in a what I thought was a happy marriage, so did our 3 children and everyone around us! Well he comes home one day and says hes not happy and is leaving. I was so shocked and hurt. I asked if there was someone else really not expecting the answer to be yes! But it was. Hed known her for a year at work and theve been having an affair and he was leaving. He moved in with her 2 weeks later and has barely seen or spoken to our children to lately. Itll be a year next month. I did the best I could with the house we were renting, but just couldnt keep it up anymore. Me and the kids moved in with my father to save money. Up until that point he was giving me a check every month for what he thought the amount should be. After I moved in here he stopped. I havent recieved a dime from him since jan 1. He handed me what he says is the start of divorce, looks like something can print yourself.Says not gonna pay anything until divorce is final. Well I havent heard another thing about it. I went to child support enforcement and she looked it up and said nothing has been filed yet. They were not much help, said would send me an application to start whatever to go after him i guess, this was last week havent heard anything.My question, Is he really allowed to just stop supporting his children until it has been filed to do so through the courts? He could just sit on that then so he can continue to not pay. Any ideas Please?? I need to get me and my children in our own place and just my income is going to cut it! Thanks.

[M30USA]

Does he want primary custody? If so, by giving you child support he would be implying already that you are the primary caregiver. Judges will see this precedent and it will make their decision all the easier in favor of you getting primary. Family law is 90% precedent (ie, status quo). Lawyers of dads in custody battles advise against dads giving child support until the ruling requires it. A man gets painted as a deadbeat for doing this--but then if he DOES, the mom just uses it against him in court by saying, "See? He's been giving me money all along because he knows I'm the primary caregiver." Men have to watch their backs and calculate EVERY move in a divorce because the law is against them by default. Women can just sail through because the law favors them.

Edited April 22, 2014 by M30USA

[tinam13]

Nothing about primary custody has been mentioned. In the papers he gave me, that were not signed or filed just filled out by him, he stated joint custody and the children to reside with mother. He has thretened custody a couple times when he was angry. And he did say one time now that you mention it, that his lawyer advised him against paying until the court says what he should pay. I thought he was just blowing smoke because ive never heard from any lawyer of his, and the papers he gave me were not very official. I just want my kids to get what they should.

[M30USA]

Nothing about primary custody has been mentioned. In the papers he gave me, that were not signed or filed just filled out by him, he stated joint custody and the children to reside with mother. He has thretened custody a couple times when he was angry. And he did say one time now that you mention it, that his lawyer advised him against paying until the court says what he should pay. I thought he was just blowing smoke because ive never heard from any lawyer of his, and the papers he gave me were not very official. I just want my kids to get what they should.

 

And what "should" your kids get?

[BetrayedH]

Your soon-to-be-ex-husband, his girlfriend, and his attorney are not looking out for your best interests. You need your own attorney.

 

Don't listen to your husband's threats. He cheated, abandoned his family, has established a precedent of not having shared custody, moved in with the OW, stopped paying child support, and you have had to move in with a parent. The fact is that your H could really be screwed. He's not in a position to threaten you. He has to hope you play nice.

 

Unless you let him just run the whole thing and screw you over. Stop doing that.

 

Borrow the money from whomever you must but get a retainer together for an attorney. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll see court-mandated child support. In the meantime, you'll see nothing but bullshi.t.

[RonaldS]

As much of a jerk move as it is, unfortunately, dads do end up routinely getting screwed over in these cases. If he's not paying CS until the court orders it, then there's a good chance that edict has come from his lawyer, as others have stated.

 

If he is a good guy and good dad, he's putting that money into college savings accounts and paying for things they need, but just isn't giving it to you.

 

In my case, most CS support I pay goes toward paying my XW's bills. I can't control that. But the court order for support is a lot less than what I had been giving her before, so I was able to put money away for them for college. Or, when they need new clothes, I take them out and buy them. When they have extra-curricular activities, I pay for them. Supporting my kids....I'm just not letting my XW get her hands on that money first.

 

And I'm sorry that it went down the way it did. That really sucks.

[amaysngrace]

Go to the local courthouse in the place where you live. File for divorce, separate maintenance, sole custody and child support. File all of these things so that you have some bargaining power during negotiations.

 

Usually you will only get back support from the day you file so make sure that you file that immediately.

 

If nothing has been filed then you should do it. No more of him paying you what he thinks he should. Let the court make that decision but do it right away. Borrow the money from your Dad if you have to but get it done.

 

When you fill out your address make sure to make it clear that it's (temporary).

[tinam13]

And what "should" your kids get?

Well, Im sure a judge could tell us that. Im not sure how to figure it all out. Im not trying to get anything from him except to support his children which he is not at all!

[M30USA]

Well, Im sure a judge could tell us that. Im not sure how to figure it all out. Im not trying to get anything from him except to support his children which he is not at all!

 

You think judges give children what they deserve?

 

Children deserve equal time with both parents. Not standard joint custody. Judges don't give the child equal time with both children. The parents must agree on this outside of court. Is your STBX a good father? Then allow him to have true 50/50 time. Not standard joint custody.

Edited April 22, 2014 by M30USA

[iris219]

Unfortunately, he is not going to suddenly do the "right" thing.

 

You need to get proactive and stop waiting for him to do anything.

 

Get a lawyer ASAP. You're not supposed to know how these things work. That's what lawyers are for. Get one today, seriously. Start divorce proceedings. Your lawyer will advise you how to get support during separation (child support and possibly alimony if you're entitled to it).

[M30USA]

Unfortunately, he is not going to suddenly do the "right" thing.

 

You need to get proactive and stop waiting for him to do anything.

 

Get a lawyer ASAP. You're not supposed to know how these things work. That's what lawyers are for. Get one today, seriously. Start divorce proceedings. Your lawyer will advise you how to get support during separation (child support and possibly alimony if you're entitled to it).

 

Again...what is "right"? What is she "entitled" to? Is her STBX entitled to anything? What about the children? Aren't they "entitled" to see their father half the time? They are, afterall, exactly 50% his DNA.

[iris219]

Again...what is "right"? What is she "entitled" to? Is her STBX entitled to anything? What about the children? Aren't they "entitled" to see their father half the time? They are, afterall, exactly 50% his DNA.

 

We aren't talking about custody here and she's never said the children can't see their father.

 

Bottom line: Children need to be supported. Are you suggesting her ex shouldn't help financially support his own children?

[RonaldS]

We aren't talking about custody here and she's never said the children can't see their father.

 

Bottom line: Children need to be supported. Are you suggesting her ex shouldn't help financially support his own children?

 

As I pointed out in my post, though, it's not fully about the children. A father has no say in how the mother spends the money she receives for CS. Again, in my case, the XW was paying for her cell phone bill, car insurance, gas, etc.

 

She and the kids live with her parents, so they bought most of the food (which is just so unfair).

 

After we separated, in addition to the money I gave her each month, I also gave her $15k. Then, I show up one day to get my kids, and my X's mom is bitching me out because my middle son didn't have a winter coat and all of my kids shoes were all ratty. It's like, WTF? I give more than enough money each month to buy winter coats and shoes, and oh yeah, what about that $15k I gave her? I'm no expert in children's fashion, but I'm pretty sure you can buy a kids winter coat for less than $15k.

 

The point of all of this is, when you're a dad, and the woman has the kids, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Father's rights routinely get trampled in divorces. Society automatically sides with the mother, and the dad is just always the sh*tbag.

 

My wife hasn't worked, not even a part part-time job, in 4 years. We did a conciliation over the phone to determine support, and when my XW was talking about how she's unemployed, I said she didn't have to be. The case worker completely stood up for her. I was like, 'Come on! She left with 3 kids and isn't even trying to get a job!'

 

Net result? Her not working sticks me with the max support %. Haha, what a joke.

 

I thought I was doing the right thing then. Looking back, I wish I had been more like the OP's husband.

[d0nnivain]

If you need action to be taken, take some. File yourself & get an immediate order for child support. In most places he can't just put his kids on hold until the divorce is finalized.

[Lei Ping]

I have a question. My husband, we were married for 15 years, in a what I thought was a happy marriage, so did our 3 children and everyone around us! Well he comes home one day and says hes not happy and is leaving. I was so shocked and hurt. I asked if there was someone else really not expecting the answer to be yes! But it was. Hed known her for a year at work and theve been having an affair and he was leaving. He moved in with her 2 weeks later and has barely seen or spoken to our children to lately. Itll be a year next month. I did the best I could with the house we were renting, but just couldnt keep it up anymore. Me and the kids moved in with my father to save money. Up until that point he was giving me a check every month for what he thought the amount should be. After I moved in here he stopped. I havent recieved a dime from him since jan 1. He handed me what he says is the start of divorce, looks like something can print yourself.Says not gonna pay anything until divorce is final. Well I havent heard another thing about it. I went to child support enforcement and she looked it up and said nothing has been filed yet. They were not much help, said would send me an application to start whatever to go after him i guess, this was last week havent heard anything.My question, Is he really allowed to just stop supporting his children until it has been filed to do so through the courts? He could just sit on that then so he can continue to not pay. Any ideas Please?? I need to get me and my children in our own place and just my income is going to cut it! Thanks.

You need to get an attorney immediately. Many will work for no retainer, suing the deadbeat Dad for their fee along with all the back support he owes to you and alimony and Child Support going forward. I am the Father of 5 and raised the last 2 through college by myself. I have no pity for any Man who would let anything come before his Children, especially some piece of stray tail from work.

 

 

Let's see how sexy she thinks he is when he's sponging gas money off her to get to both his day and night jobs so he can meet his obligations to his Wife and Children and stay out of jail.

 

 

 

 

Lawyer up!

[M30USA]

As I pointed out in my post, though, it's not fully about the children. A father has no say in how the mother spends the money she receives for CS. Again, in my case, the XW was paying for her cell phone bill, car insurance, gas, etc.

 

She and the kids live with her parents, so they bought most of the food (which is just so unfair).

 

After we separated, in addition to the money I gave her each month, I also gave her $15k. Then, I show up one day to get my kids, and my X's mom is bitching me out because my middle son didn't have a winter coat and all of my kids shoes were all ratty. It's like, WTF? I give more than enough money each month to buy winter coats and shoes, and oh yeah, what about that $15k I gave her? I'm no expert in children's fashion, but I'm pretty sure you can buy a kids winter coat for less than $15k.

 

The point of all of this is, when you're a dad, and the woman has the kids, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Father's rights routinely get trampled in divorces. Society automatically sides with the mother, and the dad is just always the sh*tbag.

 

My wife hasn't worked, not even a part part-time job, in 4 years. We did a conciliation over the phone to determine support, and when my XW was talking about how she's unemployed, I said she didn't have to be. The case worker completely stood up for her. I was like, 'Come on! She left with 3 kids and isn't even trying to get a job!'

 

Net result? Her not working sticks me with the max support %. Haha, what a joke.

 

I thought I was doing the right thing then. Looking back, I wish I had been more like the OP's husband.

 

Yep. I pay my ex child support and then she decides to enroll them in PRIVATE SCHOOL for kindergarten. She asked me for additional money to pay for the private school. When I don't (because I financially can't), she now sends me emails suggesting that I'm not fully part of their schooling since I'm not supporting the cost of school. There are public schools for a reason. Neither of us are/were wealthy so she has no business sending the kids to a private school.

[carhill]

Stay on top of DCS and be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. They're usually overworked but will get things done. Your part is getting down to the courthouse and at least seeing if you can get some help with filing and perhaps a waiver of filing fees. A lawyer can advise you of these options during a free interview.

 

It sounds like you weren't properly served. Generally, service is performed by a process server or sheriff. Do the papers have a 'filed' stamp of the court, along with filing date and case identifier? Regardless, you can check with the court and see if anything has been filed officially. If they have, you'll have a period in which to respond, dependent upon your jurisdiction. Be sure to do so in a timely fashion. If no filing exists, I'd recommend filing first to get your motions in front of the court and then get DCS involved further for enforcement of CS. Long marriage, three children. Adults making choices. Choices have consequences. Good luck!

[clia]

I have a question. My husband, we were married for 15 years, in a what I thought was a happy marriage, so did our 3 children and everyone around us! Well he comes home one day and says hes not happy and is leaving. I was so shocked and hurt. I asked if there was someone else really not expecting the answer to be yes! But it was. Hed known her for a year at work and theve been having an affair and he was leaving. He moved in with her 2 weeks later and has barely seen or spoken to our children to lately. Itll be a year next month. I did the best I could with the house we were renting, but just couldnt keep it up anymore. Me and the kids moved in with my father to save money. Up until that point he was giving me a check every month for what he thought the amount should be. After I moved in here he stopped. I havent recieved a dime from him since jan 1. He handed me what he says is the start of divorce, looks like something can print yourself.Says not gonna pay anything until divorce is final. Well I havent heard another thing about it. I went to child support enforcement and she looked it up and said nothing has been filed yet. They were not much help, said would send me an application to start whatever to go after him i guess, this was last week havent heard anything.My question, Is he really allowed to just stop supporting his children until it has been filed to do so through the courts? He could just sit on that then so he can continue to not pay. Any ideas Please?? I need to get me and my children in our own place and just my income is going to cut it! Thanks.

 

You need to be more proactive about this. Even though almost a year has passed, neither one of you has filed for divorce, and for months you just passively accepted whatever money your husband gave you. Now you are waiting for someone to send you an application before you can do anything? Go and pick up the application yourself. See if it is available online, and if so, print it out.

 

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. In the meantime get online and start reading. Google "divorce in [your city or state]." Read everything you can find. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

[M30USA]

What is the current arrangement with the children? What percent of the time are they with him?

[notserene]

I agree, you need to get an attorney ASAP. If you don't have the money for an attorney, contact the local bar association or Legal Aid.

 

Many states require that attorneys take some cases without charging fees in order to keep their law licenses.

[tinam13]

You think judges give children what they deserve?

 

Children deserve equal time with both parents. Not standard joint custody. Judges don't give the child equal time with both children. The parents must agree on this outside of court. Is your STBX a good father? Then allow him to have true 50/50 time. Not standard joint custody.

I completly agree children deserve equal time with both parents. I have never denied him of that, even after all he did to me. Its not about me anymore. He abandoned his kids, barely calls or sees them. One month after living with the OW hes allowing her kids to call him dad. My kids were crushed! Then after almost a year and a lot of resentment on there part hes starting to want them and they dont want to go, and I STILL do my best to persuade them they need to spend time with him. They are not real little, 17,13,12. They understand a lot. There is no set schedule on when he sees them. He will text and say I'd like to see the kids, Ill say fine. Its been one weekend a month now its moved up to 2 lately. Its not about what Im "allowing" He can see them when he wants. I welcome it, For There sake! Hes not doing it, or anything else!

[tinam13]

Again...what is "right"? What is she "entitled" to? Is her STBX entitled to anything? What about the children? Aren't they "entitled" to see their father half the time? They are, afterall, exactly 50% his DNA.

What is "right" is that he stop being a deadbeat father and take care of his children that he completletly abondoned for a whole other family a year ago! I am entitled to nothing and never said I was. But his children are. Yes they are exactly 50% his DNA too so as I am their primary caregiver and have been providing EVERYTHING for them for the past year beings that he also shares their DNA I believe he should have to support them in some way as well. And like I have stated, it has never been about custody or visitation. I have never tried to keep him from seeing them. I want him to for my childrens sake. He is not stepping up there either. Thank you to all that have answered. I would have lawyed up by now but cant afford it. I called legal aid and we have to had been legally seperated for 6 months. Im gonna keep calling around maybe theres someone willing to help in some way. Thanks again.

[notserene]

What is "right" is that he stop being a deadbeat father and take care of his children that he completletly abondoned for a whole other family a year ago! I am entitled to nothing and never said I was. But his children are. Yes they are exactly 50% his DNA too so as I am their primary caregiver and have been providing EVERYTHING for them for the past year beings that he also shares their DNA I believe he should have to support them in some way as well. And like I have stated, it has never been about custody or visitation. I have never tried to keep him from seeing them. I want him to for my childrens sake. He is not stepping up there either. Thank you to all that have answered. I would have lawyed up by now but cant afford it. I called legal aid and we have to had been legally seperated for 6 months. Im gonna keep calling around maybe theres someone willing to help in some way. Thanks again.

 

Good luck, and in the meantime, keep on top of child support enforcement.

[M30USA]

What is "right" is that he stop being a deadbeat father and take care of his children that he completletly abondoned for a whole other family a year ago! I am entitled to nothing and never said I was. But his children are. Yes they are exactly 50% his DNA too so as I am their primary caregiver and have been providing EVERYTHING for them for the past year beings that he also shares their DNA I believe he should have to support them in some way as well. And like I have stated, it has never been about custody or visitation. I have never tried to keep him from seeing them. I want him to for my childrens sake. He is not stepping up there either. Thank you to all that have answered. I would have lawyed up by now but cant afford it. I called legal aid and we have to had been legally seperated for 6 months. Im gonna keep calling around maybe theres someone willing to help in some way. Thanks again.

 

Even when I had my children literally 50% of the time and there was no primary caregiver (during temporary hearing period), my ex still expected money and everything from me. My point is that women assume the man has all the responsibility while they themselves don't. She even criticized me in court for not handing over most of the household items to her. Why should I? She left and moved back with mommy and daddy.

 

I will remind you again that, regardless of your view that your husband should do such and such "in the best interest of the children", there is a double standard against men and he is probably doing this for legal reasons. No matter what your ex does here, he is screwed. Men cannot do right during divorce. Do you understand? You can keep saying its about the children, but women always say that when they want their own way.

[amaysngrace]

Totally hating the mindset that women don't want what's best for their children.

 

Ideally they'd have a husband who didn't lump them all together because he dislikes women so fiercely :/

 

Every time I have to pick up the slack because my exH chooses not to it only puts undue pressure on me. Sometimes I have to tell them no to things that would enhance the quality of their lives simply because it's up to me and me alone to see that their needs are met.

 

Ugh...some men just don't get it :/